Painful Breakup (I got dumped!)

[Colly666]

Basically. Yesterday my boyfriend of almost 3 years dumped me. Our relationship had been very very good up until a close relative of mine passed away and we began to argue (mostly because I was deeply upset and felt the need to take it out on somebody). His reason for dumping me was that he just wanted to be alone. What is hurting me the most is up until last night my boyfriend had claimed to love me and im still very much in love with him. I cant stop crying , I've completely lost my appetite and i dont have many friends that werent friends that we both shared. So basically i have nobody to really comfort me. He's also being very insensitive telling me to shut up whenever i try to talk to him and demanding a time that he can come give me back all my stuff. I thought he loved me as much as i loved him and i know it sounds stupid but i thought we would be together forever , because for the most part our relationship was Brilliant. My dad told me i should concentrate on things that he did during our relationship which i didnt like but the things is he was always the perfect boyfriend. I dont know how to get past this. I've lost a lot of people over the years for a variety of reasons and Im starting to lose faith in life. It hurts me to see him just moving on and here I am incapable of letting things go. I just need some advice. Thank you.

[DN]

How much did you talk about the issues that impelled him to leave you - and did you accept the responsibility for your part that you are talking about here? i.e.

(mostly because I was deeply upset and felt the need to take it out on somebody).

[coolchick]

Hi Colly,

I understand exactly what pain you're going through right now, please read my past posts. My ex too left me, completely unaware and out of the blue for me. He just said like your ex said, he wants to be alone. Pm me if you'd like to talk x

[Relationship Coach]

Colly, welcome to ENA!

 

I'm sorry to hear about your break up and I hope this place can bring you some answers and solace. A strong relationship can withstand a little arguing here and there, so what you thought was brilliant and very, very good one might have been lacking all along.

 

As for your BF still loving you, I'm sure he does, it just doesn't disappear overnight! His anger right now has the best of him and he sees you as weak. It's not that he is so much stronger than you, it's that once you do move on and he hears about it...look out! He seems to be the type to think that you cannot make it without him, show him what you are made of and when he comes crawling back to you, then decide if he is worthy of your company. Cheer up, you've just been put in the driver's seat!

 

RC

[Colly666]

How much did you talk about the issues that impelled him to leave you - and did you accept the responsibility for your part that you are talking about here? i.e.

Yeah I see what you mean about my responsibility. But he knew what i was going through and he always said he understood. Plus when we argued he would give as good as he got.

 

Its hurting me because he's not giving me a proper explanation he just says he wants to be alone and wont say anymore. when i push for more he tells me to shutup.

[Colly666]

Hi Colly,

I understand exactly what pain you're going through right now, please read my past posts. My ex too left me, completely unaware and out of the blue for me. He just said like your ex said, he wants to be alone. Pm me if you'd like to talk x

i dont have the privilages to pm i dont think.Sorry. I'd love to because it would be nice to get some advice from someone who's been through the same.

[DN]

you will get to be able to pm after a couple more posts.

 

Have you tried writing him a letter asking him to talk?

[coolchick]

Dont worry! i just understand the hurt and heartache you're going through. I can feel the way you're stomach is in knots right now and eyes heavy. Every time your phone goes, your heart lurches hoping and praying its him Please whatever you do tho, DONT TEXT HIM! he'll just get annoyed, angry and begin to be irritated by you. He needs to miss you! He cant do that if you're contacting him all the time. You need to take a step back and keep yourself MAJOR busy. Spend time at the gym, swimming, anything that doesnt involve your phone or similar friends of your ex. I know that nothing people say to you will help as it wont take away your pain. Please look after yourself x

[Colly666]

Yes early this morning he rang me to ask me what time he could come pick up his stuff and i was really desperately questioning him and asking him to reconsider. I realise in retrospect that by appearing desperate i wasnt exactly making myself look like an attractive prospect. I think i should just back off. But i feel really really physically sick and no matter how much i manage to control my emotional pain i cant seem to get rid of this physical pain.

I know this is ridiculous but i also feel like nobody will ever be able to show me as much love as he showed me.

[Colly666]

He's being really stubborn its like he wants to completely alienate himself with me. Whenever i try to discuss it he gets really annoyed and he seems like he's bored. If i wrote him a letter i know he'd just rip it up. I've sent him a couple of emails and he's read them but ignored him. I dont know how to get him to be more mature about it.

[trippinpaperheart]

i feel you pain. i'm in kind of a similiar situation. i just recently found out my dad had lung cancer and things have been hard on me at home. i started taking this out on my boyfriend and that's when we started having problems. if you want to talk my aim is grass4roots.

[desertnomad]

I really feel for you Colly. My exgf of 4 years left 6 weeks ago pretty much the same way. We had our disagreements and issues but so many fun and great times also. We had just gone out looking for a house to buy. She left me a note one day and refused to talk to me or email me for weeks. When she finally did she blamed me for everything. But like in your relationship during the arguments she gave as good as she got also. I understand the hurt because she left and had time to 'let go' before she left while I was still there but I have had to let go all on my own. She was angry with me for all kinds of stuff and just couldnt see past that. Keeping busy does help but it doesnt take away the horrible pain and agony that you feel sometimes from the rejection and abandonment. Maybe time will numb that I dont know. If someone doesnt want to be mature about something theres nothing you can do about it just be mature yourself and maybe they will come around one day. But even if they didnt at least you still have your dignity right? I know thats hard because I must have bombarded my ex with a hundred emails wanting to know why? and why now? and what did I do? Ive lost 30+ pounds in six weeks but its a little easier to eat these days. I understand about losing faith in life because she was my everything and every day I thought to myself how I never wanted to lose her. Just wanted to let you know your not alone here

[Colly666]

That means so much to me. I really feel for you ..our situations sound very similar. I had no idea my relationship was coming to an end, it was so abrupt and when it did come it was cold and he seems like he's moved on and i find this hard to accept for some reason.

I have really tried to distract myself. I meditate so i did a lot of that but then just as i think im gonna be ok i'll see something that reminds me of him and then the tears will well up.

I put 100% into our relationship and he really seemed to love me he told me all the time, and now i feel kind of lost. And this will sound really stupid...but its just like he's died and left me..it feels just as bad.

 

Thank you for the support It means the world to me. It does help to talk.

[Colly666]

Our situations are very similar. Im a part time carer for my dad who was diagnosed 2 months ago with vascular dementia. It kind of feels like the world is caving in on me right now.

[desertnomad]

I totally understand about the tears welling up. One minute you feel better and feel strong the next minute its like the world has come to an end. With my ex we did so much together we would laugh at how much we had done in the four years we were together and why we were probably so tired all the time. We talked about this just the week before she left. We had just gon to disneyland the week before and had a great time. Everywhere I go around town or anywhere theres memories of me and her. There are some places I thought I could never go back to like our favorite restuarant or lake park because it was so special to me and I thought...to her. But I have been able to go to a few places on my own and found that it wasnt as hard as I thought. Now, I dont think about those places as much as I did before. Your relationship breakup just happened and maybe things will turn out differently for you and him. Its not easy..I have walked around like some ghost for 6 weeks waiting for her to come back and breathe life into me and us but its not going to happen for me..she had someone else on the internet that came to meet her the day she left. Sometimes I think death would have been easier to accept because there is nothing you can do about that but for someone to actually give you this much pain on purpose is sometimes hard to take. But they are not thinking about you or the two of you only themselves. It is their right of course but I dont know how people can be so cold hearted to one another some times. Hang in there.

[Colly666]

Do you think it is more healing to think about your ex in a positive or a negative way? See i find it hard to think about mine in a positive way because in my eyes he is being completely selfish, he wont give me a proper reason for breaking up with me, he's not attempted to do it sensitively at all, he openly seems like he's gotten over it and he's throwing away all the plans and experiences we BOTH made together. Im finding it hard to understand where he is coming from because when he does any explaining it makes little or no sense.

Also its disturbing me that all the way through our relationship he claimed to love me yet all of a sudden he says he's suddenly changed his mind but its no fault of mine. Is this even possible? I thought that when you loved someone falling out of love with them would take time...even more so if apparently it isnt your fault that they dont love you anymore.

I have no idea How to stop loving him though. I still love him with all my heart and would take him back in an instance if he came back to me. I understand this would be counterproductive for us both because i would always be living in fear of him breaking up with me and this might push him away again.

It sounds bizarre to say we had a great relationship after what has happened but we really did. We went everywhere together we always made eachother laugh we never grew tired of eachothers company we were very close with eachothers familys ..we were theoretically joined at the hip. Im scared that even if i do manage to move on...which wont be for a very long time i know that for sure. That i will compare that partner to my ex-bf every step of the way. I have no idea how to get around this.

[desertnomad]

That is the toughest part that someone could so easily throw away all the plans and experiences the two of you worked so hard on and put alot of efffort into. Part of me still thinks I would take my ex back despite her behavior and her cheating on me but then I know that somewhere down the line as we settled back into a life together trust might be a real issue. She had told me she could never live it down with me and I would never trust her again thats one reason she could never come back. In your case he might not be with someone else but the breaking up would definetly be on your mind unless he gave you some valid reason. I think alot of relationships go through at least one breakup and its important to play it right when your going through it...like no contact etc. Me and my ex were joined at the hip also and didnt fight much but there were alot of issues beneath the surface that just werent talked about. Its hard to say whats more healing when thinking about your ex. I dont really think you can help thinking negatively or positively...both thoughts seem to happen and can swing wildly from one to the other in my experience. It does help to talk about it though with other people. People who do suddenly breakoff a relationship like your ex or my ex are being very selfish though and cold and I still cant understand someone you spend so much time with and make so many plans and memories with just turning off like that and treating the other like they do.

[DN]

It might help to remember that trying to explain emotions is not always easy. Try to describe why you love someone and you usually find you come up with a hundred and one reasons but still somehow miss the mark - there's just something indefinable about that particular someone that binds all those reasons together - but you can't pin it down.

 

Falling out of love with someone is even harder to explain - and if you try to give reasons you know that the person you are leaving will either try and change, or rationalise or argue each and every point.

 

But the fact is that you can't define why you are no longer in love - you just are not.

[Colly666]

Is that I see him absolutely all the time 5 days a week because we work together. Im really scared that the next time i see him in public I'm going to get really sad and nostalgic and then i'll cry or something at it will be so embarrassing.

 

I could understand the breakup more if we hadnt been such a great couple previously. He said I was the only thing that truly made him happy and we kind of isolated ourselves because we only wanted to be with eachother.

 

I was wondering, Is it possible for my boyfriend to have fallen out of love with me and his feelings changed towards me through no fault of my own. Because that is what he is telling me But I dont understand how this can be.

 

In reply to did he have any issues in the rest of his life i honestly cant see that he did. He used to get depressed when we couldnt see eachother though. But he has it much better than I do. Im shocked at how quickly he has got over me when just a week ago he was planning the future with me and telling me he loved me.

 

I feel very physically sick at the thought of another girl coming into his life and doing the same things we did in the relationship and getting to know his mum and dad like I did. How can I cope with this.

 

I think part of the reason that this has devastated me so much is this is the first time I've been in love and my first real serious relationship and I honestly thought it was going to last forever.

[DN]

I was wondering, Is it possible for my boyfriend to have fallen out of love with me and his feelings changed towards me through no fault of my own. Because that is what he is telling me But I dont understand how this can be.

 

Yes, it is possible. It isn't a question of fault or that anyone did anything wrong. He either mistook his feelings in the first place or he realised that they had changed. There isn't necessarily a reason - they just do and blame, fault or logic doesn't enter into it.

 

It will be hard for you to heal - but you will. I know it doesn't seem like that now but you will find happiness sooner or later.

[bulletproof]

You can't get him to be more mature about it, because we really can't get anyone to do anything we want them to do. Your best course of action is to back off immediately. I know it seems hard, but this only just happened. Give yourself time to step back from the situation and see things more clearly. I was in a similar situation myself and I was also constantly plagued by fears of never finding the same kind of love I had with him again. What I didn't realize is just how big the world really is, and how many potential people are out there for me to love and be loved by.

 

While it's definitely good to accept responsibility for your actions that may have led to a breakup, you also have to go easy on yourself. Blaming yourself entirely is just going to make you feel worse. The fact is, if someone truly wants to be with you he will, regardless of any arguments or problems that arise. He could just have easily told you that your behavior was upsetting him and that he needed things to change or he would no longer be with you. He didn't do that.

 

Since you mentioned that you shared many mutual friends, I would say that as soon as you feel a bit better, you should go out and start shaking some things up in your life that put you in a position to make your own friends that are yours alone. Put him on the back burner for now. You never know what will happen in life, and it's the fear of the unexpected that can be both terrifying and exhilerating at the same time. The future doesn't have to be a scary thing- right now it's just a question mark, waiting for you to make it whatever you want it to be.

 

Keep posting here, the people are wonderful and they can all give you the benefit of their experiences.

[desertnomad]

Blaming yourself entirely is just going to make you feel worse. The fact is, if someone truly wants to be with you he will, regardless of any arguments or problems that arise. He could just have easily told you that your behavior was upsetting him and that he needed things to change or he would no longer be with you. He didn't do that.

Thats the kind of person you want ...someone who will stay with you no matter what regardless of having complaints. My ex never told me she was having serious issues that would break us up. She just kept a smile on her face all the time and never said anything. if I had known I would have been scared to death and got us help and did whatever I could have.