I'm straight, he's bi

[essexlady]

I have always believed that relationships are great regardless of gender, color etc, just so long as no-one gets hurt. I also feel that people have the right to have sexual relations with whoever they feel comfortable so long as no-one gets hurt. For myself I've always believed in monogamy in a relationship.

Here's the problem...I met someone online, we got on well and it was great. I found out fairly early on in the relationship, about 2 months on, that he is bisexual because I saw a profile of one of his screen names I found while using his computer. I asked him about it, he was pretty straightforward about his attractions and said that since the breakup of a long term relationship he decided to explore that side of him that he has known for many years, since childood.

After 3 years of being together we moved in together with my 2 children. Two years later I find that he had still be explorig the internet, advertising online for encounters. We're very rarely apart & I'm fairly certain he never actually met anyone. He denied ever meeting anyone but did enjoy looking at the porn sites. None of the porn sites were of women. I told him that I wanted to break off our engagement and he promised he wouldn't do anymore internet searching. Then I discovered he was doing it again last year. I was away for about 3 weeks & I found out he had signed up for free AOL (denied he knw anything about it), had secret profile & was advertising himself. He infact said he had done it for all the years we've been together.

The problem is, I feel insecure, I feeel guilty for stopping him from acting on his urges. He wants to marry me and says he has stopped any of the internet stuff. Short of spyware, I have no way of knowing that is true.

He is a sensitive, intelligent, kind person who says he loves me and will be faithful forever. I need advice. I feel sick.

[Mythical_Suicide]

Judging by the fact that he has continued doing it this long its highly doubtful that he has all of a sudden stopped. All you can do is sit down and ask him and hopefully he is truthful to you.

[Boughtandpaidfor]

Whatever his sexuality he's not been faithful to you- he's lying to you- that's more of a problem isnt it? If it was other women how would you react? Trust is everything in a relationship. Saying "it's okay... you can trust me from now on"- the damage would be done for me.

[Ohso]

I have to agree, bisexuality is not an excuse for his actions. Sure he finds men and women atractive, that's fine, but he has no right to advertise himself for encounters with men while in a steady relationship.

[essexlady]

Thanks so much for the comments. That IS how I feel and I decided, about a year ago, to try to repair the damage (we talked with a psychologist and between ourselves all the tiem). He desperately wants to do the same. BUT, the issue is trust. So I'm not sure if I should forgive and trust.

Also, his fundamental difference in opinion is that extra-marital/relationship encounters are almost irrelevent if your heart and soul is still with the partner. That is NOT my belief. I think that any outside person entering a two-person relationship is a threat to the sanctity of that relationship. So the problem is also a matter of fundamental belief. He has said he still believes that, as much as he is still bisexual, but he will be monogamous and no more internet stuff, for me because he doesn't want to lose the relationship. But how do I trust again? Because I sure as hell don't!

Tahnks to all of you for your advice. I haven't talked to any of my friends about this, so it means a lot!