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Well today she broke NC and sent me an e-mail and started messaging me on AIM. Basically all both were about was to see how I am doing and to tell me that she feels she made the biggest mistake and she misses me so much. She says that she is so sad that she broke my heart and hurt me so badly. I am pretty sure everyone here knows the rest, it basically follows the same pattern. I responded with telling her about the feelings I had for her and that I am doing better.

 

I basically asked her a hypothetical question that I just wanted the answer to. I asked her why she hasn't asked me to go back with her if she feels all these things that she is saying she feels. She responded with.

"u need to do ur thing over there...get ur education going and stuff"

"i have an ok job, in which everyone knows all about (her GF's Name) and i...i cant just back out of it nor do i want to hurt someone else as well"

"i cannot handle that"

"plus its not fair on u to have to bounce back"

 

This pretty much tells me that if I was willing to go back with her there are far too many issues in the way not to mention the other person involved. I don't know why I keep doing this to myself. Why do I keep setting myself up to be rejected like this? Why do I keep asking the questions that I know will have a painful answer? I was doing well after a few days of NC but when she starts to tell me how she regrets what she did and misses me and wishes I was there with her right now I start being stupid again. I suppose this is the reason for NC in the first place. I just don't know how to get rid of the longing that I have for her.

 

Rob

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She didn't break NC, you did by responding! This is why it is suggested to just delete any emails or block the other person, same goes for IM's. She put a worm on a hook and casted it your way, guess what....you took it hook, line and sinker!

 

You are your worst enemy by facilitating these "Jeopardy" sessions with her! End all contact with her and move on!

 

RC

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I agree Rob.

 

You were doing better...I could tell from your posts the previous days. Why did you let her back in? You gotta block her.

 

Do you still have hope for the two of you...seriously? If so...and if not...staying away from her will create a win situation for you. You'll get over her faster and once you do...she may just come running back to you...who knows???

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with what she has done (cheating on me once this year and leaving me for a woman) I would be an idiot to allow her back, unfortunately my heart and brain are not always on the same page it seems. She is already saying everything except for lets get back together and I think she isn't doing that because she knows what she has done and she feels trapped by her decisions both with me and now at work because the woman she left me for has worked there for 15 years or so and everyone there knows what is going on between them.

 

I should have stayed away from talking to her, but I am still doing ok. It didn't affect me the same way that it would have last week.

 

Rob

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The next time she contacts you, I'd confront her and ask her what are her true intentions by contacting you. If she gives you an answer you don't want to hear (friends, because she likes you but not enough to get back together with you), tell her you're not interested. You're only interested in getting back together and nothing less will do. Make sure she understands this to the point where she'll have no other reason to contact you other than calling to get back together.

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yeah, i hear you. I think I need to decide before I do that if I am truly willing to accept her back. And she has said that she can't ask for me back at this point. So I guess that just leaves me back at where I was. I asked for NC but I didn't stick to it and I responded to her. I gotta stop doing that

 

Rob

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hah, omg what a * * * *ing moron. I didn't get my hopes up too much but boy did I just set myself up for another slap in the face. let me just put a bit of her e-mail to me here.

 

"I miss you...so * * * *ing much. I cant stop crying..I am having a very hard time coping...i really am. I cant imagine how you might be feeling, but i hope you are doing better. I really dont want to leave this room ever again. I dont want to move or do a thing because you arent in my life anymore. I dont know how to accept the fact that i have broken your heart. I was an absolute fool and a * * * * * to just leap off the deep end like I did. Thats not me, and it never should have been. If you could only understand how much regret i have inside of me. I know my life will never be complete or lived to the fullest without you. I didnt stop to think about this all.. I just acted out like a * * * *ing fool and it is beyond terrible. I have NEVER loved anyone like i love(d) you.

I still love you, and i will never stop loving you. You will never be replaced nor forgotten. I will continue to live each day with the thought in the back of my head that maybe someday we'll find our ways back into eachother's

arms, and continue with the plans we've had. I am praying to God to just let it all fall in place for us. I am so Sorry...for being so selfish. You have never done a damn thing that was reason enough to let you go. What the hell

was my problem...thats something i continue to try to figure out. I know if i was in my right mind right now, I would beg you to come back to me but i dont think that is fair to you. I deserve to feel this loss and pain"

 

it goes on but when I read that I decided to ask her if she really means these things. Tonight she logged in and I ask her, she said yes she means every word. I said well why don't you do something about it. She had completely flopped from the way she was this morning back to the woman that doesn't want anything to do with me other than to be there to squash my heart like a bug. she basically didn't want to talk about it and said she should stop sending me e-mails about her feelngs. she said she can feel these things but not act on them. I feel stupid more than any other feeling right now and I told her I want to go back to "NC", I am not ready to be your friend right now and I am tired of that old crappy hope creeping up in my head.

 

Somebody kick me in the head for being an idiot.

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Somebody kick me in the head for being an idiot.

 

Consider yourself kicked right in the ear!

 

It sounds like you are playing games...or she is. If she is sincere in her email, looks like she really does regret what happened. She is going to have to feel that loss and pain...you are going to have to as well. IMO, only when you are both at peace with those feelings will there be a chance at reconciliation.

 

That is what I am trying to do right now with NC. If I happen to get over her in the meantime, so be it...if she comes back, even better.

 

Even if she does want to come back Rob, doesn't sound like she's ready. Are you?

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yeah guy, I deserve a few more of those kicks to the ear. I can't believe I allowed myself to get sucked back in by her words. I knew better. I knew that she has no idea what those things really mean. I don't think she makes any sense at all. If you read some of the things in that portion of her e-mail that I posted you would think that this is someone that has realized the mistake they have made and wish they could go back and fix it. I don't understand how she can say

 

"I will continue to live each day with the thought in the back of my head that maybe someday we'll find our ways back into eachother's arms, and continue with the plans we've had. I am praying to God to just let it all fall in place for us. I am so Sorry...for being so selfish. You have never done a damn thing that was reason enough to let you go. What the hell was my problem...thats something i continue to try to figure out. I know if i was in my right mind right now, I would beg you to come back to me but i dont think that is fair to you. I deserve to feel this loss and pain"

 

and then when I respond with well let's do something about it if you mean that instead of leaving it to chance and she tells me that she is doing what she thinks is best for me and for herself. How can someone say something like this and then turn around and say but I want to do what I am doing first but hopefully someday we will be together. Makes no sense to me at all.

 

I told her last night I don't want to be "friends" and I need to go back to NC. She didn't respond.

 

Right now I feel stupid and ashamed for allowing myself to fall back into hope and allowing myself to be slapped right accross the face again by this woman that has destroyed my heart, my spirit, my confidence and has left me in ruins but says at the same time that she loves me and misses me. Unreal. I am angry. I am more angry now then at any time during this whole situation.

 

Rob

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Friend, don't ever get down on yourself for situations like these. Sometimes the only way you're going to learn from the mistake is by making it. Now that you've learned your lesson, you can actually be happy about it because you know now that you won't make it again.

 

Your other emotions are normal. Best thing you could do would be to get on the case with some other girls. That'll help take your mind off of things.

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thanks for the reply. I agree, I have learned not to be fooled by her words again, words are cheap and require no real backing. I actually have been talking to a girl who I have known for around 15 years or so. I mentioned during a chat session last week that I always kind of liked her and a few years ago I wanted to ask her out but chickened out. She said she felt the vibe and had I asked she would have gone on an outing with me. The day before yesterday I asked her if she wouldn't mind grabbing a bite to eat or catching a flick next week and she said she would be done for it. I am just going to go hang out with her and try to enjoy her company, we'll see what happens there but I think it will just be good to be around a woman.

 

Rob

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