Jayar's "Low Contact" Journal

[Jayar]

Background Information

 

Just over three weeks ago my boyfriend of 2.5 years broke up with me on a bench outside of his house. He looked damn good too. He was supposed to have moved in, which he bailed on, and I came to find that he hadn't even made mention of any plans to move in with me or get engaged in front of his family. The signs were there all along, I saw them but tried to justify them.

 

In my heart of hearts I believe that this was a case of cold feet. I last saw my (now ex) BF last Monday (July 31) and the meeting went well. He basically said that he enjoys spending time with me and wants to keep the possibility for a relationship open. He is not ready to say goodbye. I, on the other hand, presented myself in an (I believe) cool, collected, confident way. I told him that I'd also like to spend time with him, but I am not waiting around indefinitely and he must understand that by taking time apart he risks losing me. He said he understands the risk, is sorry to be hurting me, but needs time.

 

The Plan of Action

 

It's pretty simple. I am doing "Low Contact" which by my definition is essentially a reactive version of NC. I cannot do complete NC with my ex, since he is very sensitive and wouldn't want to come off as harassing me. If I were to ignore his attempts to contact me for any significant length of time, he'd simply be hurt and assume I don't want to be back together. That isn't my intent!

 

So instead what I am doing is NC in react mode. I don't call him, text him, or e-mail him (with the one exception possibly being his birthday if we're still doing this by then, and of course provided he contacts me on mine). I DO return his calls (hours, if not days later) and I DO accept his invitations to meet (provided there is at least two days' notice and I don't have other plans). Also importantly, I don't talk about the relationship or any possible getting back together. Though I haven't been in a situation where I've had to handle HIS mentioning of the relationship, when I am faced with it I plan to perhaps casually answer him, but for all intensive purposes brush him off.

 

On my OWN TIME I am trying to better myself physically and emotionally, and try VERY hard not to think about him too much. If I think about him at all, I try to think about the break-up, perhaps the fights, and any other incidences I can think of that remind me WHY it wouldn't be so horrible if we didn't get back together.

 

The Purpose of This Journal

 

This journal is purely for my own expression. It's a place where I can commit to the vow I've made not to contact my ex, and perhaps inspire others to stick to their own version of NC/LC. I'm bound to mess up from time to time. This journal is also a place I can admit to such setbacks and ultimately describe the outcome as both a learning experience for myself and others who may read my journal.

[Jayar]

It's been going well so far. We were supposed to meet up last Friday but that fell through. I actually caved on Thursday night and texted him (after 2 days of NC) and while I regret it, it wasn't as bad as it COULD have been...

 

I basically told him since I hadn't heard from him I went ahead and made other plans. I told him I'd like to hear WHY I didn't hear from him (major screw up, I know) but that if I don't hear from him not to worry, I'll be okay, good luck and goodbye. That last part I honestly do believe now finally after our time apart.

 

He called me about an hour after my text message. He seemed happy, in a good mood, and pleased to be talking to me. He said he was planning to call me on Friday once he found out his work schedule for this weekend. I give him the benefit of the doubt, but nevertheless I had other plans so we just agreed that probably meeting up THIS weekend will work better.

 

I haven't spoken to him since that night (Thursday) so technically have been in NC for 3.5 days and counting. Wow it doesn't seem that long once you put it on paper. My plan is NOT to call at any point. If I hear from him, great, but if not then that's also great. I miss him like crazy, but he doesn't need to know that. I am making a promise to myself that if he doesn't call me by this Thursday the latest to make plans for the weekend, I will be unavailable.

 

I've been doing okay with myself. I've accepted that we're probably not getting back together (with the help of a sparsely-populated, barely used online profile I found that he'd set up prior to our split) and I'm okay with that. Right now it's the limbo that kills. Well, that and the fact that every song on the radio feels like the soundtrack to this stupid break-up.

 

I've accepted that it will either be HIM or be someone else, but I wasn't happy with the way things were at the end of our relationship and I don't want it to be like that forever. This break-up might be the best thing that ever happened to us; a total reset for our relationship.

 

As a side note, I've found tons and tons of 4-leaf clovers throughout the years (seriously hundreds, and I don't even look for them) but on Saturday I found a 6-leaf clover... I was walking in a field with the dog and there it was, all alone, by my foot. And I found it at a time I was feeling really down and asking God (and actually my mom at the time) for guidance. A sign? Perhaps... Or we have some seriously mutated clovers in our field.

[rnorth]

NC is not always the best option for every so it sounds like you are doing the right thing.

[Viper62382]

I'm in the same boat as you. Total NC is almost impossible because we live in different states now, and NC would probably hurt more than it would help. I'm almost at a point where after 7 weeks of heartache, and almost losing sanity, I can say that if she says one more time or hints to it for me to move on, I will. Last nite we spoke and told her I didnt want to keep her in the dark in anything. I told her about another female who is wanting to see me. She freaked out, and wanted to fly down here just to "mark her teritory". I explained to her that I had no intentions to see the girl, and that I called her and told her that I was not interested in a relationship as I am already in a long term relationship. That made my ex feel alot better. Mistake or not, atleast I showed her my honesty.

 

I wish to have kept a journal, but I know if I did, that I would only be hurt again when I would read back in it. The memories of this experience have totally been engraved in my heart and brain, and thats more than enough.

 

I guess like you said, the break up was the best thing, cause it totally reset everything. But what I'm confused about is this. Do you treat it like meeting someone new? Or be normal and take it day by day? Reset is a funny word, because thats exactly what it feels like, but how exactly do you behave to a "reset"?

[Jayar]

I guess like you said, the break up was the best thing, cause it totally reset everything. But what I'm confused about is this. Do you treat it like meeting someone new? Or be normal and take it day by day? Reset is a funny word, because thats exactly what it feels like, but how exactly do you behave to a "reset"?

 

I treat it SORT OF like meeting someone new, following "The Rules" etc... But take it one step further because this person hurt me very badly. He will have to regain my trust (if that's even possible, I don't know yet) through his actions if he wants a relationship with me. And that's not playing games, that is real heartache.

 

When I meet up with the ex (after he invites me, of course) I treat it like a first date in that I am courteous and happy, but a little aloof. I don't want to be all over him. If he makes an advance to hug me or hold my hand, I draw my boundaries and stick to them. Anything and everything outside of "I want to get back together" is treated as nearly meaningless and brushed off. This is for my OWN sanity. I swear I would go crazy if every single thing he said to me was analyzed and put into the "yup he wants me" or "nope he's over me" columns.

 

At this point he's being exceptionally nice to me and accommodating of my feelings. I am being nice to him, but not going out of my way for him or the relationship. I hope that answers your questions.

[Viper62382]

Hmm, even after all the pain she put me through, I have been speaking to her very nicely, even calling her baby. I guess I should cut that out.

[Jayar]

Hmm, even after all the pain she put me through, I have been speaking to her very nicely, even calling her baby. I guess I should cut that out.

 

Yeah I sure as heck would cut that out! It showed her she had you where she wanted you. I plan not to respond with ANY degree of affection (friendliness sure, but not affection) and treat him like any guy friend I wasn't interested in. Do you call all your friends "Baby"?

[Jayar]

This is actually a little easier for me I think than most people. See, I KNOW the ex will call at some point. Last time we spoke he was sweet and courteous, and interested in everything I was doing in my life post break-up (except he DIDN'T push, he asked about stuff on a high level). He said he'd let me know ASAP about this weekend. So I have no reason to believe he won't call... It just doesn't seem to be on MY idea of an appropriate timeline.

 

Last night I kept my mind off of calling him by taking a bath and heading to bed early. Tonight I'm spending time home alone too, but tomorrow I have to go out and do something or I'll go crazy. I'm just not ready to be totally alone all the time right now.

 

This whole break-up (or break, whatever it turns out to be) has been fantastic for me. Prior to this I honestly thought I would have died if I were to lose him. I even had a hard time with it when he missed ONE of "Our Nights" and that wasn't healthy. Since the split I've learned that not only CAN I survive without him, but even if we do get back together I've learned that I want my own space too, to do my own things. I had given that up before!

 

I asked God for a total re-start... I feel pretty confident this morning that THIS is it! I've also lost 20 pounds (60 more to go down to bikini weight again) so this split has also been beneficial for my health and physical goals. In fact, even if the ex is interested in getting back together in a few months... I'm going to wait until I have all of my own PERSONAL stuff in order again before bringing him back into my life full-force.

 

Sigh... Wish me the strength not to call or text today. Admittedly it IS getting easier.

[drninja]

This whole break-up (or break, whatever it turns out to be) has been fantastic for me. Prior to this I honestly thought I would have died if I were to lose him. I even had a hard time with it when he missed ONE of "Our Nights" and that wasn't healthy. Since the split I've learned that not only CAN I survive without him, but even if we do get back together I've learned that I want my own space too, to do my own things. I had given that up before!

 

That's exactly how I feel about the "break" I'm currently going through. I had given up so much to spend more time with my girlfriend and even though I didn't mind it at the time, she did and now this is where we've ended up. But now I realize that I'd like to do my own things too, but that shouldn't mean that the two of us can't be together (or so I think). However, my ex doesn't call me, but instead confuses me by assuring that she still wants to be friends, yet we have only spoken/seen eachother 2-3 times in the month since the break began.

 

You're doing great! NC does get easier as time goes on, and major kudos to you for doing it without the help of going out and partying to get your mind off it. I don't think I could have done that.

[Jayar]

Let me start this entry by saying I do love him. And I want to be with him, and I feel that there is definitely potential for us. But is it normal to start to feel resentment towards him the more time passes between conversations/activities?

 

We have not spoken since last Thursday. While I was not surprised that he didn't call last night, I was admittedly disappointed. I mean, WHY isn't he thinking about me at all?! Why hasn't he even so much as bothered to give me a quick call to say "hi"? But then again, I guess we ARE supposed to be in a break-up (or break... Whatever).

 

I just find that the more time passes, the more I resent him for waiting until literally the LAST MINUTE before he told me he needed a break, and now I am left going through a move and a bunch of financial CRAP (which I can handle, but isn't the point) because of him! He was supposed to pay the bill for the sofa and television that comes up in December... He bailed on me, so now that's my responsibility. He was supposed to start sharing the rent, but since he bailed I'm responsible for that. I was thankfully smart enough to make sure that no matter WHAT happened I could handle the bills on my own, but I cannot help but feel like he was totally selfish in leading me on. I mean, had he NOT pretended to want to move in with me or marry me, I wouldn't have anticipated sharing of the load at all. That was unfair of him.

 

I'm just a mix of emotion right now. I don't have any faith in us right now. How could I? He hasn't spoken to me since last Thursday, and apparently he is fine with that. I will be VERY surprised if I hear from him at all this week, and our plans for the weekend will no doubt fall through. Since I'm moving next week it very well could be the end of the month before I so much as hear from him again. I mean, in a way that tells me all I need to know... But I don't want to hear what it's telling me.

[RayKay]

Jayar,

 

Of course the resentment is a normal feeling...I imagine you are going through part of the "healing" process which includes anger/resentment. It's a HEALTHY part of the process even.

 

As you know, I am concerned that his words are just that words. As I have also said, my ex said all those same things about not wanting to say goodbye, and not wanting me to "close the door to the possibility", and so on and so on. And guess where he is today (no really, where, cause I have no idea, and don't really care ).

[Jayar]

As I have also said, my ex said all those same things about not wanting to say goodbye, and not wanting me to "close the door to the possibility", and so on and so on. And guess where he is today (no really, where, cause I have no idea, and don't really care ).

 

I would give anything to be at the point that I don't really care... But I know that probably won't happen until I've found greater love with someone else.

[lady00]

The reason he is fine with not having talked to you since Thursday is that it's Tuesday and you're not near the top of his list of priorities anymore. I know it hurts to hear that but I say it only because I have had similar thoughts in the past few weeks...wondering, hoping, asking why isn't my ex calling me?! Why would he not just call to say hi?? I thought these exact same things. But I decided to go NC and after a couple of weeks of that, he did call but I was not available because after weeks of having my phone by my side hoping he'd call, I decided that it was silly and one day I forgot it at home when I went out. And that is when he called. I am really at a point now where I don't know if I will even call back because I don't feel that need to talk to him.

 

You are worried that if you go complete NC he will feel hurt. Well, if you go NC and the guy doesn't want you back, it's not cause you did NC. It is for the same reasons he wanted to break up in the first place. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, I'm just trying to suggest that even though you may feel in control and your strategy sounds great on paper, I'm worried that it's making you anxious and worried and making it harder for you than going NC and moving on would be. I think it's something you have to ask yourself: why are you letting this guy be worth all the trouble to you when the relationship was not worth it to him?

[RayKay]

Very succint but spot-on lady00....love it!

 

Jayar, believe me, I did the "limited contact" thing too. I told everyone here I KNEW what I was doing, that NC was dumb...and I still don't entirely agree with NC for everyone or everything...but I can also say that LC really did not leave me in as much "control" as I thought. Instead of just debating calling him or not, I was just stuck wondering why he was not calling.

 

I was still committed to HIM, not wanting to move on in case he came back/contacted me.....while he was NOT committed to me in the same way. He still told me to "keep the door open" and all that, but it was not out of love or respect for me, it was rather selfish actually on his part.

 

Lady00 is right in that as soon as you broke up, you were no longer a priority in his life. It hurts to think it when you so want to believe that you are, and that he is feeling the same things you are....but...he had his reasons to break if off, ones he may not have even told you fully...or even know himself truly yet.

 

And, you can indeed stop caring before you start loving someone else again. I did, I stopped caring as soon as I realized that he did not care as much as I did about "us", that he was less committed, and also not entirely honest with me either. It was actually after I stopped caring, realized I deserved 10,000 times more than I was getting from him, that I moved on to find that greater love...not the other way around.

[Jayar]

So, having not spoken to the ex since last Thursday evening, I've had a lot of time to think. Right now, I'm scared. I'm terrified of dying alone, of being 23 and having my entire life be over. I'm scared that I will never again feel that real CONNECTION with anyone. I don't ask a lot of a guy... But at the same time, what I want is non-negotiable. I'm not ready for a guy right now, but considering that the ex was EVERYTHING I could have hoped for and then some, I'm really genuinely scared that anyone else I meet I will just be settling for.

 

I miss him. I managed not to call or text at all last night, which was HARD because I was missing him bad. Today is Wednesday, so if he's going to call about the weekend, he will probably call either today or tomorrow... Or I guess never is a possibility too. It's very strange, because I don't even know if I truly want to be back together (at least not now) but I want him to WANT me again. Don't get me wrong, I still maybe see a future for us. But it's hard for me to take him seriously when he obviously didn't take me seriously. Right now I see this break-up/break as one huge GAME. And at the moment, he is winning.

[RayKay]

Jayar,

 

Sweetie, at 23 your life is NOT over! And you certainly should not be talking of "dying alone"! Gah! I am worried you tie to much of whom you are to whether you are with someone or not, which is NOT healthy!

 

I think in time maybe you will look back and read this post and see how silly it was to write that, and think that...when clearly you have a whole LIFE ahead of you, and that just because you went through a break up, it does NOT mean your life is over. Not by a LONG shot. Heck honey, at 22 my boyfriend of five years, the one I planned on marrying and he me died suddenly. I thought MY life was over as he was all I had known for so long - he was the best friend, my biggest supporter, he truly taught me about life & love, and then I realized mine wasn't, not at all. That the biggest gifts he had given me were still WITH me - the appreciation for life and living everyday, the fact I could love greatly, I deserved love and LIFE GOES ON. And I DID move on, I had new relationships, some which did not last, or were not right, but ultimately, I did not settle, and I did find the right one for me.

 

Most people do not find the one they will be with forever at 23, 25, heck many don't even at 40...relax!

 

And I know right now it seems your ex had "everything you wanted" but he was missing one big thing that you will realize in time: he did not return the same level of commitment and feeling towards you. That automatically makes him NOT everything you wanted! Believe me, you will see more and more as time goes on the little things you did not see before that make him NOT what you want.

 

You will only be settling if you CHOOSE to settle (because you are afraid of being alone forever....which is a silly thought!).

 

Honey, stay strong. And in the end, you WILL win from this experience, believe me. It is all about how we deal with what life throws at us, and how we grow from it, that makes us whom we are...and determines the rewards we will find in life.

[Jayar]

Thank you... I always appreciate your posts. This is the first time I've ever really truly been hurt, because he was (is) my first love. I thought I'd be one of the lucky ones, who gets to go through life with their first love and never has to do the stupid dating thing. I miss almost everything about him. But I know now I should have left him 2 years and 3 months ago, when I said I loved him and he just smiled at me and kissed the top of my head. Sigh...

[reddog]

I was in the same boat as you emotionally. First love, 23 years old, feeling like crap. Its been 2 months since our breakup. Did something stupid after a month and now its been one month of NC. I still have that emptiness feeling, but hey I am going out and getting girls numbers now. I have committed myself to becoming a better person and not letting myself stay in this hole. I am still working out and plan on making myself look really good. I am going to learn from this situation. I still have those feelings and reminders of her everywhere. I still have hopes in the back of my mind that she will email/call and beg for me back, because that would be the only way I would really talk to her again and she would have to be wanting me back for the right reasons. I am socializing as much as possible. I have found I don't like the bar scene, but I have gone a few times just to chat. I strongly suggest NC. Don't answer his calls, texts, emails. BE STRONG!! I know I wasn't and want others to be stronger than me. If they want to come back, they will on their own. NOTHING you do or say will help. Why stay in contact if this is true? I know its going to be the hardest thing for you to do, but do it.

[Jayar]

I was dying to call him last night. Again, it wasn't to beg for him back, it would have been to tell him I can't do this, I don't want him in my life, and to just forget about us. There are times (this is one of them) that I honestly feel that way. I am ANGRY with him! I am RESENTFUL of him! I feel like who the hell is he to tell ME he isn't happy and doesn't know if I am the right person for him?! Who the hell is HE to take his sweet time "thinking" about us?!

 

Then the other half of me reminds me that he clearly stated he wants there to be a chance for us. I'm just torn. How can he be saying one thing and acting in another?! If he wanted to keep me in his life, wouldn't he have called me at least once by now?

 

The last conversation we had ended with him saying he'd call me when he knew about his work schedule for the weekend. He seemed happy during the conversation, and eager to be talking to and arranging to see me. I had no reason to believe upon hanging up that he wouldn't call... But he hasn't. He may still, either today or tomorrow, but the more time passes the more I feel hopeless.

 

WHY would someone keep stringing their ex along when their ex (me) has CLEARLY stated that I'd be okay with just having a friendship (or nothing) and that I'll be okay whatever his decision. Why?! I mean, it can't be excused by him not wanting to hurt me... I've already told him I'd be fine! And it certainly doesn't seem like it's because he wants me in his life, because if he DID then wouldn't he at least try to SORT OF play the part by calling or texting once in a while?!

 

Part of me wants to move on and find a better love. Someone who loves me MORE than I love them. Someone I don't have to work so hard for or stress so much over. But then the other part of me wants him to be that someone.

[lady00]

Jayar this situation is clearly frustrating you a lot. I suggest you do NC, heal and move on. This guy did not want to feel obliged to call and text regularly, he just is not feeling the need to do that. It clearly bothers and angers you but he's not doing anything wrong. You need to realize that you, not him, are the cause of the way that you feel. You have allowed yourself to feel hope and to hang on to someone who is no longer in a relationship with you and does not want to be in one...saying that there might be a chance later means nothing...it's like saying it might rain in a month...anything's possible of course but the guy broke up with you and right now he does not want a relationship. Take that as a final ending and cut this guy out of the picture. You deserve someone who is fully into you and 100% sure they want to be committed to you. That guy is not your ex. It hurts to hear, it hurts to do but imagine how you could feel now if you had initiated NC right after the breakup? Go NC. Heal. You can do it. You will find someone better in the end.

[RayKay]

Hmm, yeah, those feelings are pretty normal. I even told my ex a couple times I wanted nothing more to do with him as it was too hard. Then I went back on it in case he "changed mind" and I was not around....

 

Sigh.

 

It sucks.

 

The reason you feel this way is because you are in limbo. No one likes being in limbo. And because whatever you tell yourself right now, he is still calling the shots in your life. I can see it, because you are still making your decisions based on the "chance" of him wanting to be with you in future.

 

Honey, the fact is, this is the NOW, not the future. And he is showing with actions he does not want to be with you. To me, the words mean nothing at this point. So you wait for this guy for the "future" and the future is more of this same limbo....how will you feel then?

 

It is true, he has no obligation to you now. What you THOUGHT he might do is not what he has to do, or will necessarily do. Maybe he is "stringing you along" as he gets the impression that you are fine waiting and so he can just do as he wants. Maybe because he does not realize you are basing your life decisions on what he decides. Maybe because he is too chicken to say "yes it is over" even though he knows he wants it to be. I don't know. Whatever the reason, it is NOT fair for you to be wondering what he is thinking, doing, his reasons.

 

I would not find someone whom loves you more than you do you...because that will not make you happy, or be fair to them. But I can guarantee you can find someone whom loves you as much as you do them, and with whom the relationship has common, shared goals.

[Jayar]

Well, the good news is he e-mailed me and he wants to see me Sunday afternoon. I responded with "Sunday afternoon is fine, just give me a call and let me know what time you want to meet up. TTYL." So it was really simple and I didn't make ANY mention of the fact that he didn't really call until the last minute. So we'll be seeing each other probably for a few hours on Sunday, but I plan to cut it short around 7:00pm because I have plans with my family on Sunday night. In that respect it actually works well.

 

The LESS good news (and maybe this is my over-analytical side speaking) is that, while we made plans to see a movie WELL in advance, he still made other plans for this Friday and Saturday (which everyone knows are the prime nights) and saved the less-prime Sunday afternoon for me. I am fairly certain he isn't dating anyone, and I don't doubt he's spending the time with friends he hasn't seen in a while. But make no mistake I noticed this little fact. I didn't say anything about it to him, and beyond a casual "so, what have you been up to all week? Done anything fun?" on Sunday, I do not plan to probe into what he was up to on Friday and Saturday.

 

I decided not to turn him down for a couple of reasons; First of all, I want to reward that he DID make the initiative to contact me (albeit later in the week than he should have) and he did give me 2 days' notice. I also am moving next week and weekend and so it would be nice to get one casual, fun date in with him (where we don't talk about the relationship at all) before I have to be doing that all next week.

 

I plan to enjoy the movie, but I am not taking him seriously. I won't bring up anything negative, since I want him to leave me on Sunday with a really good feeling about us in his mind (such that might prompt a call in the future) and I'm not going to accomplish that with bringing up the relationship, or hassling him for calling late and booking Friday and Saturday before me.

[RayKay]

Definitely do not "hassle him" or ask abot the Friday or Saturday...to be honest, those are generally "date nights" and well, as an ex, you are not really going to be getting those dates very often. Even if he is not going on dates those nights, they are still "date nights".

 

Anyway, good luck. I can't really say I am hopeful in this situation just as I have seen it so many times. But no reason I can't be wrong at least once either

[Jayar]

Definitely do not "hassle him" or ask abot the Friday or Saturday...to be honest, those are generally "date nights" and well, as an ex, you are not really going to be getting those dates very often. Even if he is not going on dates those nights, they are still "date nights".

 

Anyway, good luck. I can't really say I am hopeful in this situation just as I have seen it so many times. But no reason I can't be wrong at least once either

 

Yeah I know they're prime "date nights" but honestly HE doesn't think like that. He's really not your typical guy in a lot of ways. In fact, if I had to guess, he's probably seeing one of his friends on Friday (he always for the entire 2.5 years of our relationship only saw his friends on Friday, he works hard all week) and then has some sort of family thing on Saturday.

 

I did a lot of thinking about it last night and it completely doesn't matter whether he is or is not seeing anyone else now, or at any point in this stupid "limbo" because as you point out I am an EX. So those kind of things really only are going to matter if things start heading into "get back together" territory. Consequently I feel that the less I probe into and ask about those things, the less pain I will ultimately feel during this time.

 

After our movie on Sunday I plan to let him know I had a great time, and then go STRAIGHT back into my reactive NC. I have every confidence that if we're meant to be together, we will be (regardless what either he or I have to say about it right now... You know how fate is) and IF we are meant to be together he's gonna feel it, and he's gonna want to spend time together and he's gonna CALL ME. I don't have to push him (I have to keep reminding myself of that) And if we are meant to be together, eventually I expect to get more and more "date nights"...

[Jayar]

I wanted to make an entry because, well, it's my journal and I can! but also because I want to get some of this written out because it helps me cope. I suppose I don't have to justify my entries, but if anyone is still reading my journal I thank you.

 

I've come to the realization a while ago that you can't make someone love you or want to be with you. Being apart from my ex has been wonderful for showing me that not only can I SURVIVE without him, but I can actually THRIVE. It isn't that I wasn't happy or couldn't thrive WITH him, but when I was with him I honestly believed that if I lost him my life would, for all intensive purposes, end.

 

I train dogs. I like my dogs to work with me because they WANT to. The best relationships I have with my dogs are with those that are loyal to me not because I force them to be, but because we share a strong bond. Why on EARTH did I expect any LESS from the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with?!

 

I am definitely more at peace now. Maybe part of it is because I know the ex wants to see me, and if only for a few hours his attention will be mine. But I think I have come to the decision that IF we get back together I ONLY want it to be because he chooses to be with me. Not because I forced or manipulated anything (not even sure I could) and if he DOESN'T choose to be with me, well there are plenty of guys that WOULD. And I don't want to be with the ex in that case.

 

I've also come to the decision that if we don't get back together, it's more his loss than mine. I mean, I gave myself wholeheartedly to the relationship (obviously too much so) and he was "wishy-washy" for most of it. I can do better than that! Obviously I want him to choose to be with me and then demonstrate his change of heart. But if he doesn't do that to my satisfaction, then I don't want to waste time loving him if someone who loves me BACK can be found!

 

I'm 23, pretty (albeit a little overweight, but that won't be for long) and have a golden personality on top of it. I WILL NOT be alone forever. That would be completely unrealistic of me to think! In fact, the more I think about it the more it floors me that the ex even thought he could do better. I mean he's awesome and I love him to bits. He's caring and attractive, sensitive and has a good head on his shoulders. But he's turning 31, still lives at home, and now he has to try and find someone who doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, doesn't do drugs, has a good family background, shares his morals, shares his love for the dogs, loves cars, doesn't mind that he isn't exactly on the traditional tall burly side, shares his desire not to have kids, prefers a night eating chinese food on the couch to going clubbing downtown ANY night, AND shares a mutual attraction?! All before she has any baggage like kids from a previous relationship.

 

I mean, it's not like I was some "sorta nice to spend time with" girl he picked up in a club one day... We were so MADE for each other! I can't even believe he thinks I'm replaceable. I know that sounds cocky and I don't mean it to at all... I mean it in more of a "we were so good together can't he SEE that?!" kind of way... I mean, he probably doesn't think that far ahead. He said himself he's not interested in dating anyone even though I told him I plan to and suggested he did too. And let's face it, being 23 and even just the fact that it'll be EASIER for me to find a guy who likes real dogs and doesn't want kids than it will be for him to find a WOMAN who doesn't sets me up for life better.

 

Sigh... I love him. I miss him. But I've come to the conclusion (and now seeing it in writing makes it more real) that I'm really not on the losing end of this break-up. I hope to have him back one day. And if/when I do, I'm going to cherish him and treat him like gold... But the DIFFERENCE will be that now I honestly believe that I am just as much a catch for HIM as he is for me, which I did not before.