shoud I respond?

[blueberrypie]

My ex who dumped me about 2 months ago sent me a message asking how I was doing. This was kind of a reply to my message few weeks ago, which I sent after I found out that he could use internet from where he was. My message had a format of belated bday message with few more lines. I made a mistake signing 'miss you'.(he signed 'hope to hear from you' )

My question is, should I respond to his email if I still hope for a second chance? Or since his message was very neutral(didn't even mention how he was doing, just asked me to tell me how I was doing if I have the time for that) I should just ignore the message and keep moving on?

[Beyondthesea]

I would just ignore it. No contact is always the way to go if you want them back.

[blender]

Well, all I can tell you is that I was in this exact situation, and first off, do NOTHING till you think this through. It's obvious that like me, your feelings for him are still very "alive and real", and you did write, "miss you" on your email, however he chose NOT to write this back, he simply said, "hope to hear from you". I actually chose NOT to respond to my ex's last email, because I realized that we were speaking two different languages, he was simply being "kind" and I was "hoping for much more" and that is a very dangerous place to put your heart into... The best thing right now is to wait a day or two and really ask yourself "WHY?" you might be responding, if you are having any "expectations" about a future with him, well then it's not the right time to respond... but you can always write a few versions and email them to YOURSELF FIRST, and wait twenty four hours and re-read them in your in-box and see how you would feel if and when you actually send one back.. There is always the option of sending a simple two line response, like:

 

"Nice to hear from you, glad to hear you're doing well, the summer is flying by... best, (your name)"

 

This way there is no "desperation, neediness, or any questions in your email, and no feeings of "expectations" for him to respond, and no pressure for him to be the "nice guy" and say something back, if you feel comfortable sending something like this, it sounds confident, caring, kind and respectful.

 

What do you think you want to write? What are you hoping will come of all this? We are all here to help you, the most important thing now is to protect your heart. And remember how it feels to send an email and then the "waiting game" of "will he respond"... it's best to think it all through first and if you do decide to respond at all, then keep it simple, mysterious, kind, and respectful, and most of all just two lines at most....

[blueberrypie]

thank you for the reply.

 

Beyondthesea: Why do you think NC is the best way if I want him back? I'm a little bit worried that he would get discouraged to contact me again if I just ignore his message. Or is that what I need to do? Since he broke up with me, should I just let him go if he is timid to contact me after I ignore just one message?

 

blender: Actually it was almost a week ago when I received this message from him.

I wanted to reply to him but my friends told me I shouldn't reply right away. If I decide to reply I can always do it later. But after reading your message, I feel like I should just ignore his message (at least time).

Since you said that you were in this exact situation, could you tell me what happened to you after that?

[blender]

well, "beyond the sea" might be right, it's best to keep up no contact, it leaves the ex to "wonder" and it's best not to satisfy their "curiosity" about what you are up to, or how you are feeling... I always think that if the ex wants to come back for the RIGHT reasons they would have to make the 'EFFORT' to do so, and that means a lot more than an email asking how you're doing.... perhaps you can just sit back and think about this for awhile, there is no urgency here, it's just a "feeling" your having, let it pass for a bit... after all he waited a few weeks to respond to your "happy birthday" message.. and for today you just need to take care of your own heart, not his, he's not concerned about you right now, so YOU need to be concerned about YOU, and let this go for a while... Do you think you can just let it go for now?

[blender]

just read your response to me and beyond the sea, well in my situation I didn't respond because after I wrote so many different version of responses and sent them to myself first, I just didn't feel good about any of them and I did feel some sense of strength in the fact that my "ex wrote an email to me last" and I could "let it go", it gave me some sense of my own power back.

 

And like your friends, mine told me to ignore him too... of course "ignoring him" didn't feel "right" to me, but the fact was, I was still too vulnerable to put myself out there again, so I decided to wait, and two months later, (yeah an eternity) he emailed me again...(I'm sure it drove him crazy that I ignored his last email) and again, I chose not to respond.

 

Not responding to him was so tough on my heart too, because I didn't want him to think I hated him, or that I was "mad" or anything, but the fact was like your ex, the email he sent was simply "friendly" and it didn't express any real emotion on his part, no "I miss you too" or "I made a mistake" or "can we talk about us", and since he didn't state any clear intention regarding US, I chose to protect my own heart and not respond..

 

I simply "let go" and tried to remember that any relationship worth staying in, and putting my energy towards was going to have to include my "ex making the effort to clearly state the intention at trying to "get back together", and an email saying anything "less" would be just that, "less" and I wanted so much more from him...

 

and if the "ex" is not willing to state that he misses you too but instead says "how are you?", then it could be him just being "nice" and you don't need that right now, so let it go and see if he "reaches out again" after awhile, if he's really missing you eventually he will call, he will pick up the phone and call, or send a email stating his "feelings" instead of asking about "how ya doing"......

 

For today protect your own heart, that was the best advice I was given, even if it made me panic at times that I didn't respond to him... the fact is, my energy was no longer going to good use putting it towards him, when there was no longer an "us". I felt good just knowing that I CHOSE NOT RESPOND and let him "wonder"... who knows what will happen next, but for today I feel empowered and taking care of me...

 

Do you feel okay letting it go? What exactly did he ask in his email?

[blender]

Blueberry if you want to read my earlier post regarding my ex contacting me there under my two started thread topics of:

 

"How should I respond after he's contacted me?" and

"feeling regret for not responding, help"

 

Perhaps reading my constant ebb and flow of emotions might help you gain some perspective, I received some great advice here, and found it best when I asked MYSELF the important questions too, like "why", "what do I hope to get from responding?", "am I respecting myself by responding to him?" and "do I really want a guy who is not making the effort to win me back?"

[blueberrypie]

Hey blender,

 

Right after I posted last one, I searched your post and read your earlier post: "How should I respond after he's contacted me?". I hadn't read the second one yet, but the title sounds helpful.

Anyways, I found one phrase of yours I really like: "I need a person who will stand by me, not be "convinced" to stand by me." This is exactly how I feel. Reading your posts and advices others gave soothe me. It's good to know that there's someone else who's going, or who had gone the path I'm going through now.

My ex actually called me two weeks after breakup. He said he missed me and that's why he called me. I know this would be a lot to ask, but if you have time at all, could you read my earlier post and tell me if you think there's any reason my situation can be said different? :

 

"Timing was not right?" and "fear of letting go"

 

Thanks a lot for your help! =)

[JohnnyTable]

My ex actually called me two weeks after breakup. He said he missed me and that's why he called me.

 

That's his problem! It is selfish for him to call for these reasons. He can miss you all he wants while you can move on.

[blender]

Blueberry, I read your earlier posts, and from what I can tell you've done everything you can to make this relationship work with this guy, but you can NOT make someone BE SOMETHING THEY ARE NOT... and he's NOT ready for this long term committed relationship with ANYONE... it's not about YOU, it's HIM.

 

You are powerless over him, you only have power over how you are going to choose to react to him from now on... and I suggest you concentrate on YOU and the things you want in life and the woman you want to become.... this guy is wishy-washy, and yes I know you had a great relationship with him in the beginning and he said some wonderful things at times, but try not to dwell on those moments, because that is all they are "moments". Life and real love is bigger than moments, and it takes commitment, love, loyalty, trust, humor, honesty, maturity, and above all a willingness by both partners to make it work...

 

So no matter how much you miss him and I know how much you do, (I've been there) try to separate the FEELINGS from the FACTS.

 

This helped me most of all, the "feelings" are you miss what you "hoped" and "dreamed" would be with this guy not what ACTUALLY IS... he's NOT emotionally mature enough or even emotionally available for you or any woman right now, he's just a kid, and if he's going to continue acting like one, (by being disrespectful enough to call and say he missed you weeks after the break up with NO intention of getting back together) that is what immature, baby-type, selfish jerks do.. not men who have self respect and respect women... a self respecting man would have the COURAGE to either go the distance with a woman he loves, through good and bad or leave her with an explanation that makes HIM responsible for his own choice, but the FACT is, he's NOT behaving in a MATURE RESPONSIBLE manner, and although you love what you "thought" you "could" have with him, the FACT is that version of HIM, does NOT exsist.....

 

the sweet talk, the romance the excitement of the beginning of the relationship is EASY FOR ANYONE, and especially for guys like this.. you deserve better and in time you will realize that "rejection is god's protection"...

 

you are better off without him even though I know right now you are hurting, and confused, but do NOT contact him again, and try to let go just for today....

 

Try to get back to you and the dreams you have, I know you had many with him but those are YOUR dreams not HIS, he doesn't "fit" the dream anymore, so try not to force your thoughts to "how could he leave ME so easily?" but instead ask yourself "do I want a man who leaves so easily?"

 

The answer is NO, you want a real, courageous, sexy, kind, committed, loyal, honest, mature guy... this guy was just seemed like a piece of delicious cake, didn't he? Well, you got a taste of the "crumbs" he can offer, that's right he can only give you "crumbs" and you'll always be starving for affection with this guy... NOW LEARN FROM THIS and go get yourself a man who is the "whole cake", you deserve it....until then, keep venting here, we've all been there, and remember the best is ahead of you... don't look in the rearview mirror too long you'll only crash... look ahead, and I promise you will learn from all this and everything no matter how painful right now will make sense in the long run..

 

Everything is exactly as it should be in this moment, fate is nudging you in a new direction with a valuable lesson learned so you are "ready" for the "right" guy..... Let us know how you're doing,..

[blueberrypie]

blender,

Thanks a lot for reading the earlier posts(I know they were quite long) and for the comments. Nobody put it like that before.

What I'm afraid most is that I may not be able to believe in 'love' anymore. I really like those moments and I believed they were real. Right now, I'm afraid of those moments because that's what caused the pain now. But maybe someday I'll meet someone whom I think is worth that pain. This is how I feel now.

I'll keep you updated. Thanks for your support again.

[blender]

As the quote goes, "in life and love pain is inevitable but suffering is a choice"

Do not think those moments were not real, they were, but sometimes people can not "stay" in it for the long term, it's just not meant to be, but perhaps in time he might call you, but if he doesn't, just know that it wasn't YOU, it's just FATE, pushing you to another path... and it will all work out, don't be afraid to love again, but start by loving yourself first, and having standards/values you live within, and make sure you choose a mate who shares these standards/values in life. I'm sure he's going to think of you, so let go for today and know you are worthy of a long lasting love, and it will be... in time... I know this all hurts so much, but you will get through this and be wiser, and will learn so much about yourself. Hang in there, blender

[blueberrypie]

So I just read " So you want your ex back - tips, do's, and don'ts! " by The Morrigan.

I'm all for NC. But looks like Morrigan advocates NC-->LC if the ex initiates contact. My question is...in my case did my ex initiate the contact? He did call me before he left for another country. But since I broke the NC after that by sending a message and he simply replied to that message after few weeks, should I just keep NC till he actually 'initiates' the contact?

I think I know the answer, but sometimes it's really helpful to hear from others. =)

[blender]

Do what is best for YOU, and by that I don't mean what will ease your "desperate need in the moment". When we are "not sure" what to do, it's best to "do NOTHING"... believe me you will feel better in the long run if this guy makes the move to reach out to you and his last contact does not seem like that's what it was, it seems "polite" way for him to just respond... I'd leave it alone for a bit, if he really wants YOU back, he will contact you in a direct and proper way, anything LESS will be just that: "LESS" and you want and deserve "more" from him or any man in your life... Set a standard for yourself starting right this minute and say to yourself:

 

"I am only interested in a man who makes me a priority in his life and takes the initiative to make sure I am with him and pursues me in a mature, loving, honest, loving way, any man who does not do this, does not deserve me".

 

I wrote this on my bathroom mirror in lipstick so I would see every morning after my ex left me.. he contacted me also as I have told you, but unless he was "directly asking for me to talk about "us" and getting back together" well then I was not going to start replying to him only to live with the "waiting" and the "hoping", nope, I set a standard for me, and it feels so good, even when our heart is breaking, at least we can feel good about the "contol" we do have and that is over ourselves and how we choose to let someone be in our lives... let go for today, you've been doing so well... let it go and know that if a man is "serious" he will find a way back into your life, let him do the work, because if you don't you will never have the relationship you want anyway.... so let it go, you are worthy of so much more.....