Marraige without sex

[Stui]

We've now passed the 20 years marriage milestone. We have a beautiful son who is 10, but our sex life has been a disaster from the beginning!

 

The first five years why wife didn't want any sexual contact. After I started developing hypertension and stomach problems, ahe reluctantly decided to 'ease' my sexual tension and allow for some fun.

 

Five years later our son was born. The sex up to then was lousy, 5 times a month in one week, and my hypertension did not go away.

 

Yes, I loved my wife very much and thought that she would mature and start loving me back.

 

For the last five years I have had to put up with solo sex, but have now decided that unless things change I will stray and even go for a separation. My hypertension has returned and so have my stomach problems. I'm completely frustrated and I don't see why I should suffer and have health problems. She knows that, but seems to have little interest or concern for this. I'm sure she wouldn't have been this tolerant if it had been me with no sex drive?

 

I've bought her all the gear to stimulate her; she even suggested light bondage and kink. The interest very quickly disappeared. I've even suggested she try's having an affair (with either sex) to see if somebody else has more success. I would accept that, but she had no interest.

 

I can't honestly say that I still love her anymore. Could it be she is simply asexual?

 

I'm sure many of you will laugh and say, what a fool, why did you marry her?

[arwen]

Yes, she could be asexual. I had a boyfriend who was, he was just NOT interested in sex, not with women, not with men. He just didn't feel attracted to people in that way. You can check out link removed for a lot of stories and information.

 

What worries me more is the way you put this: 'I loved my wife very much and thought that she would mature and start loving me back'.

 

Love is not just about sex, so why do you think she doesn't love you? If she is asexual, she can really love you a lot. Is she at all affectionate (my ex was very much into cuddling, but no kissing, nothing below the belt. We did have sex though, it did function biologically so to say. He just didn't enjoy).

 

Ilse

[sonjam]

Hi there, I don't understand how your stomach cramps and hypertension has anything to do with not having sex?

 

Yes, some people are just not into sex and some are. It must be hell wanting sex all the time and not getting it inside your marraige. Have you gone for coucilling?

[Stui]

thx Ilse for your kind words.

I think that I've proven that I understand the love is not just about sex. However, I have to squeeze a cuddle out of her, and she has never actually said 'I love you'. And like your ex, she does not like kissing at all. In fact anything to do with body fluids repulses her?!

 

I'm a very passionate and I believe loving and tender person. And I show it all the time to her. I'm the one who always initiates the embrace, but I never get her arms around me, it's always me who spills out the affection.

Stui

[Stui]

thx for your reply. Hypertension and stomach problems are mainly stress and anxiety related. Just for your info, I’m very fit, no way over weight 1.70cm, 70kg. I do lots of sport in an attempt to compensate my emotional ups and downs.

 

I think sexual frustration can clearly be defined as stress? You said the words yourself…’It must be hell…’

She won’t go to a councillor.

Stui

[arwen]

If she is asexual, try to see kissing and sex without feelings of lust. It IS an exchange of saliva and all sorts of body fluids, and most of the 'action' is in areas we also have ehm... other kinds of action (like eating, spitting, peeing). If one doesn't have any feelings about sex, this is just what it is. It's nothing personal in that sense. If she is asexual, this is not about YOU.

 

However, it is strange that you are married but she never tells you she loves you. Does she SHOW she loves you (aside from affection in the physical sense?). I.e. does she surprise you with little things, do things for you, etc?

 

Ilse

[Stui]

Hi Ilse,

Thank you so much for taking time for me. She doesn't really surprise me with small things. In fact I'm the one who takes the effort in this area. I make a big effort to get the right birthday present always give her complements. To be honest, I think I've been too tolerant and she has gotten used to it and now takes it for granted.

 

And no, I don’t take her potential asexuality personally, no way. But I can't accept or live with it any more. Btw, I'm slim, fit and have a nice personality and humour and have had many offers for affairs (which I've turned down!) in the last few years. So I don’t feel unattractive.

[BellaDonna]

In fact anything to do with body fluids repulses her?!

 

How could she possibly mother a 10 year-old son then? A child will show you more body fliuds and bodily functions than ever. How did she fare with that? Was she disgusted by him when he was a baby and he drooled?- what about when he got a cold?

 

I think the bodily fluids answer is just a bad excuse not to have sex with a spouse. She may be asexual, or maybe she had something traumatic happen to her in the past (abuse?).

 

It seems like you've tried everything you could. Do you think she'd be willing to see a sex therapist? This might be an issue too deep to fix on your own.

 

 

BellaDonna

[Stui]

Hi Belladonna,

 

thank you for your time. I mainly 'mothered' the child, changed nappies, cleaned the his nose. The only thing I didn't do was breast feed (what a surprise eh!)

 

No she wasn't disgusted, but preferred me to do the dirty work.

I dont think abuse was an issue in past. It certainly isn't one now. Perhaps her mother was very strict?

She wont go to a therapist.

[hardcharger]

i think at this point you should give up all hope for a healthy sex life with your wife. Too old, going on too long. And, realize that this is not uncommon, lots of guys have to live this life. For whatever reason, as marriage progresses, it is quite common for a woman not to want sex. It is a shame that you never were able to experience a regular sexual experience with your mate throughout your marriage. My best friend is in your shoes, he has a few girlfriends and found that these other ladies are quite happy to entertain and service him.

So: #1 - Continue your solo release

#2 - Find a girlfriend and try to keep your marriage going

#3 - divorce

I've been faithful for 20 yrs, but I think eventually #2 would find its' way into my life if I had a wife like you. I doubt it is your fault whatsoever.

 

>sex therapist - he frigidity is probably so ingrained in her, plus in her 40's, naturally her sex drive is decreasing, (decreased hormones), but it would certainly be worth the $150 for a first visit if she was willing.

 

Has some pity on your wife, this is probably hormonal from the start.

[BellaDonna]

She wont go to a therapist.

 

That tells me that she clearly doesn't think it's a problem then. And if it's not a problem in her mind, then she'll never try to fix it.

 

If that's the case, then you are going to have to decide how much longer you are willing to stay in this situation. I do not think you should cheat on her- the honorable thing to do would be to divorce and go your separate ways.

 

BellaDonna

[Stui]

Hi belladona, cheating is not an option. We would have to agree on an open marriage. But that wouldn't work for very long I'm afraid. Sex without an emotional attatchment or tenderness are for me a no goer.

[RayKay]

I don't think after 20 years she is going to suddenly want sex, to be honest.

 

Either she is asexual, has some hidden past abuse, or she really does not feel the way you do about love and marriage?

 

I am confused why you got married if she was always rather unaffectionate and never said she loved you? If you are a very passionate and affectionate person, why would you marry someone whom was not the same? Just curious....

 

Honestly, if she refuses to even go to therapy or admit this is an issue...well honey, it is not going to change. She is happy with the way it is, and does not want to work on it. So, you have a decision to make, either you decide you need more in a relationship (which is understandable) and let her know that if she will not go to therapy with you and on her own, you are filing for divorce. Or, you realize this is how it will be for the NEXT 20, 40 years and accept that and stay.

 

Good luck.

[nottoogreen]

Hi Stui,

 

Welcome to eNotAlone.

 

I concur with RayKay, there essentially is no hope.

 

How you survived these 20 years amazes me.

 

You must be close to my age, finding a partner is not that easy what about your son in case of a divorce?

[Iceman26]

You only live one life man, and you both deserve happiness. She refuses to fufill her wifely duties, and unless you like playing with your twig and giggleberries day in and day out alone, than get a divorce and start having some fun with someone less frigid.