Loosing girlfirend, wanting to leave wife

[Ash]

I seem to be suffering doubly at the moment. I've had an affair with a wonderful lady overseas for two years now. My wife has known about it from day one. For the past two years, both my wife and girlfriend have been telling me it's time to make a choice. I visited my girlfriend infrequently because of the distance, money, and hurt that it caused my wife.

 

Anyway, about 3 weeks ago, my girlfriend asked if there was any hope for a future with me, we've been deeply in love since day one and she's wanted a long term commitment. I foolishly said I didn't know for sure when I could see her again. That wasn't really wha twas in my heart, but I didn't want to give her the false hope that I'd be there in a particular time frame.

 

Then, in the next few days, I sensed something was badly wrong. I tried to contact her to tell her I'd made a dreadful mistake, and that I'd honestly made a decision she was the one, and I wanted to be with her. But she said her feelings had changed. What has happened is she has given up hope, and started to feel for somebody else.

 

But now it seems that the somebody else has rejected her. She doesn't want to email or phone me, but say's it's okay if I email her. I have been. We've had mini breakups before because of the distance and my lack of commitment, but this might just be the real thing. It's really a crying shame (for me!) because I am serious this time.

 

My wife knows that I will jupm on a plane if there is any chance my girlfriend and I can work it out. My girlfriend is saying now that she's very upset, and doesn't know what to think. She hasn't repeated that she doesn't care, in fact she hasn't agreed or disagreed with my questions on that subject.

 

I'm at about the end of the hope that I have for the two of us. I'm pretty much to the point where I'll have to back down, just wait and see if there is any chance it will work out. Problem is, there's such a distance between us, I'm afraid I will miss some small signal, and not be there if her feelings resurface. I think they're still with her, pushed down inside my the more immediate thoughts of somebody else, who isn't working out.

 

However, after reading some of the posts on this message board, I think it maybe is over for her and I. So, that's the start of the very sad situation.

 

The half of it is my wife. She claims to love me, but knows I don't love her. We can trace the lack of love back 8 or 9 years. We briefly went to councilling some time ago, but nothing helped me. For the last year, I've been trying to break away from her, but there are kids, the house and general finances involved, as well as the over riding concern I have of hurting people.

 

So I'm also seemingly stuck in a marriage where I see no hope or happiness for me. I was relying on my girlfriend to help me through a divorce, but I can't do it on my own, certainly not now.

 

My relationship with my wife has been off for so long, I simply don't want to try at all. Physically, she's not the woman I married. After my girlfriend, I really seen to want a new relationship, somebody I can love and who will love me back just the same. Sure, my wife loves me, but it's one sided.

 

I'm not sure what to do. I might as well back down a bit from my girlfriend and wait to see if anything comes back. But it's tough. I can't date, or let my mind even wander too far.

 

I don't know if divorce is in the cards, I sometimes think I should just tough out my marriage and hope I become complacent and can live with the loss.

 

Had anybody else been through this type of thing? What did you do for help (medication for depression, counselling to stay/leave) ?

 

I'm just a bit lost. Feeling sorry for myself, unable to take a step or see anything goodin the future.

 

Thanks.

[Rain533]

Well even though I don't agree with what you did at all, I'm not here to judge you.

 

I understand that you don't love your wife anymore and that she knows about the afair with the other women.

 

I think that your wife has a very low self-esteem to stay with a man that is cheating on her for so long. Chances are that like you she is scared to start over.

 

I know that you think staying together for the kids seems like a good idea buy it ends up hurting the kids more to live in a house with two parents that don't love each other. Lots of people get divorces and as long as you are still there for your kids they will be just fine.

 

So I'm also seemingly stuck in a marriage where I see no hope or happiness for me. I was relying on my girlfriend to help me through a divorce, but I can't do it on my own, certainly not now.

 

After reading this I see that the answer is for you to leave your wife, know matter if the girlfriend is still around or not, it's not health to live your life unhappy all the time. You may want to go see a counsler alone to talk about why you find it so hard to leave you wife. You are a growen man and need to learn to be happy on your own, This would be your divorce not you girlfriends, thereforeeeee you need to work through this on your own, you can't expect someone else to take your hand and lead you through this, You will be glad in the end that you did this on your own and a stronger person for having done so.

 

As for your girlfriend, chances are that over time she got tired of shareing you, the problem with starting a relationship like this is that if you two do end up together she will always wonder if you are cheating on her, like you did with you wife. I'm thinking that she has seen the light and now wants more for her life.

 

I think that your best bet to be happy is for you to divorce you wife if you truly don't have any feelings for her anymore and then for you to spend some time alone, you have to learn to love your self before anyone else can love you. Dont jump in another relationship for about a year or so, figure out what it is that you want and spend lots of time with your kids so they don't feel abandend.

 

 

Hope this helps and good luck with every thing.

[WorkingThruIt]

I hate to say it, but my initial reaction is, serves you right. I read about how it is hard for you tl divorce your wife because of finances and kids etc, but do you have any idea of the bad stuff you are putting her through? If she still loves you, and you openly admit no love for her, then you are leading her down a road of depression staying with her. Not to mention, you say you will stay because of the kids, but that puts more stress on the kids then you can realize, and they would be better off with a split. Difficult at first, but it would be better than the kids growing up with their idea of marriage as a loveless act of convenience.

 

I think my only advice for you would be to move out of your house, start the divorce process to give your wife the chance at the life she deserves, and you should commit yourself to poverty paying child support and alimony, along the way paying for your wife and children to see a therapist. As for your gf, I hope she finds someone more deserving of her, who can give her the love she needs, and I hope the same for your wife.

 

For yourself, I think you should see a therapist as well, since you talk about your underlying need to not hurt someone, but from your post it would seem that you are causing undue hurt in two serperate countries.

[Ash]

Me wife does NOT want a dviorce. I've tried to separate, had lengthy discussions. She does not want me to go, despite knowing exactly what my feelings are. I have been totally honest, she's talked me out of it a few times. This has not been a sordid affair.

 

She has convinced me to not leave for the kids sake. She's the one that's told me we should stay together for them. That wasn't my idea. My wife does not want anybody else, she wants me. You think it's so easy, get yourself into a situation where you want out of a relationship, but the other party won't let you go. Then post a message to this board asking for advice on how to go about it, and then maybe I'll take a crack at you about it.

 

I told my girlfriend I was working towards leaving my wife. Like I said, I'd decided just before she gave up. I told her it would take me two years, she knew from the beginning it would take a while.

 

I wanted to discuss the situation with others, my wife wouldn't let me, she can be quite controlling.

 

Maybe I do deserve what I got, but I don't deserve your bashing. I've known my girlfriend since a few days after I was born. We both honestly did feel we were perfect for each other for just less than 2 years. Yeah, I blew it. I made huge mistakes, I know that. I feel very guilty to both of them about the whole thing.

[Aura Seeker]

Your indiffernce to the situation seems to almost be pathalogical. You may not be doing that in a physcial manner to the people around you, but for sure spiritually you are. That's why your wife stays with you knowing about the other woman.....she is dead inside.

 

Have you considered taking a step back and doing some spiritual work on yourself? You will be much happier. That is the best advise I can muster up for you. Go take a look at what's wrong with this whole picture, and the role you have in it.

 

Even if your wife doesn't think it is good for her for you to leave, you need to do her a favor and just go. It will be better for everyone involved, even if you don't have your girlfriend anymore. Staying must really kill your wife inside if she loves you enough to keep you after knowing this.

 

 

A

[Ash]

One of the things my wife has always said about me is that my head works a little different than most peoples do. All along I was trying very hard not to hurt poeple, not to be cruel. But I can see that I've acomplished both, don't get me wrong.

 

I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm looking for advice. I don't know how to handle the mess I've created for us all, that's why I came here.

 

You're right though, I suppose it was a mistake to post this. I thought that's what this board was for, it's titled "You are not alone". I took that to be non-judgemental.

 

On the outside looking in, yes, I very likely have been cruel. I never, ever intended to be. What about most poeple who have had affairs? Is it just in general considered a cruel thing?

 

I fell in love with my friend, I couldn't help it, it just happened. I fell out of love with my wife years before, she knew, but was perfectly happy to have me around. Not that I think anybody will see it or care now, but just as much as them, I have gone through a very hard personal time over this too. They have been wanting me to decide on what to do for ages. I tried to work through the emotions, the logistics, but I just couldn't.

 

I do plan to seek counselling.

[Rain533]

ASH you clearly are not happy in your marriage and I'm going to give you the same advice that I would give a close friend, had she/he came to me with this same problem.

 

As much as you don't want to hurt your wife, you have to. Life is to short to wake up every day and be unhappy. You have to make a ferm stand with her (you said she was controling) tell her that you are no longer in love with her, but you do love her and your self enough to make this decision for the both of you. By doing this you will be alowing her and your self to find TRUE love in the futcher and one day be happy.

 

I don't know u'r gf so I'm not sure if she is going to come back to you are not, only time will tell. If you really think that she is the one for you and the two of you are ment to be together, you have a better chace at getting her back if you are not married.

 

Some advice from a friend, really take some time away from relationships to sort out your own feelings. And no matter how hard it is you have to tell your wife that your leaving her, she will try to get you to stay, tell you its for the kid, that she can't go on with out you, ect..... But if you really are not happy you need to stand ferm and tell that you are leaving her.

 

 

 

P.S In general affairs are just considered to be a cruel thing, nothing person against you, anyone that would have posted this would have got the same responce from most people, I guess sometime's people as a whole just need to step back and reolize that every one makes mistakes we are only human.

 

You will get through this and one day be happy, but the road ahead is still going to be a hard one and more feelings are bound to get hurt.

 

 

[Aura Seeker]

Hi Ash, don't leave and give up on the site just yet. You came here for feedback, and you're getting it! ;-)

 

Sometimes we lose ourselves in decisions we make. You have lost you. You are hurting people when you don't intend to. Most of all you are hurting yourself in the process. How confusing is all this?

 

You can't please everyone. If your wife wants you to stay, and it's obvious that you don't love her anymore....what's up with that? She is not exactly making great decisions either. I am sure this was not all done just by you, but you are the one that is going to have to change the way your decisions are made. Don't take hostages. You have with your wife and your girlfriend. It would be easier if you just made a clear decision and go with it. Your wife will be forced to move on and find someone else.

 

Don't leave the site yet. Work through it. This site can work as a mirror for you. Let it reflect.

 

A

[spygirl1992]

Ash - I can't believe I stumbled upon this site. You and I are in the SAME situation!! Well, very similiar I should say. A year ago, my husband and I decided to have an open relationship and date others. We never got to do that because we married so young. Anyways, I fell in love with the first guy I dated. Meanwhile, hubby has found a friend he loves to have sex with more than me. I've stopped having sex with hubby because new boyfriend (of 9 months) thinks it would be cheating. I am in a HUGE mess!! Just like you. We have two toddlers and are basically staying together for them. Plus, I am a stay at home mom and would have to put my kids in daycare if I want a divorce. To be a working single mother of 2 young kids scares me. Too much to leave. I'm seeing a therapist and I'll try to give you the advice he's given me.

Your girlfriend overseas...she brings out a part of you that you tucked away for years. She woke up the person you always wanted to be and you love yourself more when you are around/talking/emailing her. The other part of you, likes the security of a family, wife, kids, job...no change or disruption in life. The key, is to bring these 2 parts of you together somehow. Thats the hardest part. The other thing, when you have to decide between the wife and gf, the best choice is usually neither. It's a 3rd person. Your gf said she found another but he rejected her. What if he didn't? Or the next guy doesn't? You could leave it all only to end up heartbroken. I say, take the broken heart now, in your comfort zone. Then, start making a plan with your wife on divorce. Tell her you want to make a 1 year plan and in 1 year, file for divorce. Tell her it's inevitable and it would work best for the kids if she just complied and helped with the plan. You could say "I dont want to hurt you, but we must divorce. I want to be nice and make a plan, sort things out, remain friends for the kids sake....I am afraid if we don't go this route, It could end up much worse and suddenly. I am on the edge and my mental health cannot take this marriage dragging out. Please help me come up with a good plan...for you, for me, for the kids?"

I know how you feel about the gf overseas. Trust me. Your heart wants no one else and no one can compare. I am in the same boat. Just afraid to leave and dragging out the marriage for fear of hurting hubby, ending up poor and breaking the stable home for the kids. It tears me apart. I'm on Zoloft for depression (started a month ago) and it doesnt seem to help. It's my life I need to fix and I'm about to start that 'one year plan'.

One thing to consider...you may not want to jump into the gf so fast. You haven't had the opportunity to date and see whats out there. Dont say you have...you haven't. People tell me the same thing and they are right. Not a lot of people will date us married folks. Its only when we are single and have our lives together that we will see whats out there and have more people to choose from. You have looked from afar and all the women you see don't compare to gf. But you haven't REALLY LOOKED. People tell me the same. I want to go to my bf and be with him forever. I have tried to date a couple other guys but it was so awful I just ran back to bf. I cant possibly go from one hubby to another without looking first and neither should you. I am still trying to take my own advice, but alas, I am a stupid girl in love and not thinking. Just like you.

So here's what we do. Give it time!!! Don't jump to anything, go to dating sites and see some other people we'd be interested in if we were single. Then start on that plan. Even if you cant share it with wife now...start a plan for YOU!

Good Luck!!

[ezila]

I don't think what you need right now, is to seek out yet ANOTHER relationship. You've had two concurrently; now what you need, is time alone.

 

Your wife cannot FORCE you to stay married to her; I reject that notion outright. If anyone could MAKE their lovers stay with them, we wouldn't see nearly as much heartbreak posted on here. Sure, she can cajole, she can coerce, she can plead her case. But the only one who is FORCING you to stay in the marriage, is YOU.

 

You need to put HER long term needs before yours, and just get out of her life. You need to give her a chance to find someone who actually LOVES her.

 

Who knows, maybe by the time you're divorced, things will work out with the girlfriend....?

[Ash]

Thanks folks. Other than the one reply, it's gotten more helpful to me.

 

Just when I thought I'd at least figured out who was feeling what towards me, a completely out of the blue wrinkle.

 

My gf is willing to try again, but would want me to move to her country. That would mean I would end up leaving my kids behind. This seems such on odd twist in things as she knows how important they are to me, it was never the plan before for me to move there permanently.

 

The gist of many of the replies has been I need to divorce, and I agree with that. I know I must try. When it all started, I formalized in a letter to my wife that I wanted a separation, we both perhaps foolishly though we could achieve that by me living on a different floor of the house.

 

The other thing I've picked up from a few is I shouldn't maybe persue the gf. The moving obviously will tend to support that notion as the kids are a big part of my life. I just don't know though. We're not together yet, we've just had a lengthy talk.

 

No, I haven't looked around for another gf, I wasn't even looking for the one I found. It just happened. I always thought it just happened because it was meant to be. Had I even realized I wanted an affair, it wasn't something I ever would have done at such a great distance.

 

My wife has always told me she figured I'd end up sleeping with somebody else so she wasn't surprised at all. She just didn't want me to end that with her. I know this sounds completely bizarre, and it looks really odd to see it written down like this, but that is the way it's been.

 

Spygirl really does sound like she's in about the same situation. I have a prescription for anti depressants but have been afraid to start on them as I too felt somehow that wasn't the answer. I know the change must come from within.

 

I can feel a trainwreck coming in some ways. I might have to now turn away from my gf because of the change in the way she wants it. (The initial plan was for me to get my own place, to visit as often as possible, spend our complete holiday time together, and when her kids were old enough she'd move here).

 

I can see the true need for a divorce.

 

I know I've been weak, I know I must be strong. Somehow.

[ezila]

First and foremost, you need to realize: there should be *NO* negotiations with your wife on this. None. You said you don't love her, now you MUST do the right thing and just file for divorce. Don't lead her on with "trial separations" or separate bedrooms, or any such nonsense. You are both likely afraid of change, because change itself can be scary - but you have to do what's best for both of you.

 

As for the girlfriend: you REALLY REALLY need to weigh the importance of seeing your children regularly, against your love for your girlfriend. There is no right or wrong answer here; you just need to do what's right for you.

 

Be wary, though: you are REALLY likely to find your children bitter and resentful towards you, if you up and leave to another country to be with the woman with whom you have cheated on their mother for two years. Just as a caution...

 

Be strong, and at least start the process of cleaning up this mess by doing the right thing, and getting a divorce. One step at a time with the rest of it.

[spygirl1992]

Please don't leave your kids for this woman. NOT WORTH it! She should move here if anything. You have roots here and if she loved you, she wouldn NEVER ask you to leave your kids. I know I am an outsider looking in and Im sure she's a great person...but trust me...absense makes the heart grow fonder. Ever live in the same house for a month with this woman? A lot for you to think about. She seems like shes worth it, but you will never know for sure and could end up making a HUGE mistake.

Just worried about you and the kids is all...

[WorkingThruIt]

Ash, I wanted to say I am sorry for the "tone" of my first post. My initial reaction was on the side of your wife, (whether she sees it herself or not) and I did not mean to sound so cruel toward you. We all can find ourselves in difficult situations and it seems logical to us the path we took to arrive at that point, however someone from the outside may not see the same logic and react adversely to our situation.

 

I was speaking a lot from the part of the spouse who was "cheated on", as I have been "workingthruit" as it happened to me recently. I am sure was a contributing circumstance in my bitter initial reply. I am not equating my situation with yours, I was simply speaking from a hurtful point.

 

I do think that it is best for you to leave your wife, no seperations, no trials, no safety nets, as hard as it will be that is the only step toward happines for either of you, even if she can not see that from this point.

 

Perhaps you may find a Family Counselor that can see both of you, and they can help the two of you through this, and help maintain an amicable relationship between you, for your sake as well as for the children.

 

I again am sorry for my post, and that it was received in a spiteful manner, after rereading it a few days removed, I understand your reaction and again I am sorry.

 

I hope things work out for all of you, and that you can maintain a healthy contact with her and especially with your children. Like another post said, do not leave your kids. They need their father in their lives, as you need them in yours... Please accept my apology...