Should I leave him?

[scared2death]

I have been married for 9 years to a man I truly love with all my heart. We have always had a healthy relationship, great sex, we're friends. We have children & he's a great father. But a few weeks ago, I found found some emails he had secretly sent to a number of different women on some adult dating web site. He was really graphic about what he could do for them SEXUALLY and was trying to get them to meet up with him. Most of the times he was trying to meet up with them was when the kids and I were out of state visiting family. So I dug deeper and found that my husband has been looking at porn almost on a daily basis for the last 5 years of our realtionship. I know alot of guys do that, but pornography ON TOP of finding those emails was more than I could take. It was like he was someone I didn't even know! I confronted him with it & he got all apoligetic and started crying. His excuse was that he and I weren't "connecting" the way we used to and this was his attempt to get my attention because he knew I would find out. Its been three weeks since this happened, but I still can't shake it. I don't know that I will ever forgive him for it. I sort of wish I had let it go to see if he'd actually met up one of those chicks. I feel stupid sticking around, but we have children together, so it's a bit more complicated. What would you do?

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Did you ask him if he'd ever met up with any of those women.

[Beyondthesea]

Personally i would leave...it feels like your whole relationship with him has been a lie.

 

If you two weren't connecting all that time, he would have left. Why hasn't he then?

[Scout]

His excuse was that he and I weren't "connecting" the way we used to and this was his attempt to get my attention because he knew I would find out.

 

In other words, he did what a lot of cheaters & liars do: turn it around on the person who finds them out. I suppose it's YOUR fault you two aren't connecting. I'd feel a lot better about this guy if he would have just come clean and apologized instead of try to sneak in a subtle hint you're to blame.

 

Just one more red flag. I honestly don't know what to suggest. I don't condone extramarital affairs, but there have been people on here who have gotten involved with someone else on a serious level that I always try to urge to reconcile with their spouses. But when I hear about someone who is addicted to porn and trying to hook up with complete strangers off the Internet, that's another level of cheating that I don't even see the point of forgiving. That's just deviant behavior, and God only knows what else he has done during your marriage.

[Scout]

If you two weren't connecting all that time, he would have left. Why hasn't he then?

 

Or...gasp!...say, "Hey, I feel like we're not connecting like we used to. Let's talk about that and work on it...starting with me treating you to a wonderful night on the town!"

 

Yeah, you probably are in a marriage with a complete stranger, I hate to say.

[Beyondthesea]

Exactly. I'd say leave. The other thing that comes to mind: you've been together 9 years, have children, and aren't married? I'm so sorry you've been put through this, but I really feel this is unsolvable. It just shows he has no communication skills and doesn't want to resolve things anyhow...he just wants to leave things open so that he can hook up somewhere else.

[patch2006uk]

Maybe you should try and find out why he doesn't feel you're connecting like you used to. It's not an excuse for what he's been doing, but at least it's a starting point for fixing what you have.

 

I don't think it matters too much if he has or hasn't, would have or wouldn't have met up with these women, he's had conversations with them in which he has laid out his plans for what he would like to be doing to them. And this is a problem for you, and for your marriage.

 

However, it seems like he was/is a decent enough guy and a good husband and father, so maybe talk to him and see what drove him to do it. Find out why, and see if the two of you can't figure out a way to stop anything like this happening again.

 

But at the same time, if you don't think you could ever be happy or comfortable with him again, then don't sacrifice your happiness for the sake of keeping a household together. It would probably be better for the kids to be raised by two parents separately who both get to spend quality time with them, than by two parents living together who are preoccupied with the fact they are living with someone they no longer wish to live with.

 

Just my thoughts

[patch2006uk]

Quote - "His excuse was that he and I weren't "connecting" the way we used to and this was his attempt to get my attention because he knew I would find out."

 

I missed this bit before. He 'knew' you would find these emails on the system? That doesn't make sense. It would be like having an affair with your next door neighbour 'I only did it with them because i knew you would find out.' Doesn't make it any better than any other form of cheating.

[annie24]

have you considered marital counseling?

[OceanEyes]

Yikes. I'm sorry that you've had to go through something like this, I'd be an absolute wreck.

 

I wouldn't tolerate cheating in a marriage. No excuses, no apologies, nothing. When you put that ring on your finger, and say "I do", it should mean something much more than what he's accepting responsibility for. Marriage should be a partnership ... which means that if you two were "not connecting", that he should have come directly to YOU with those concerns. Perhaps I am an idealist, but I perceive a marriage as a partnership to be taken very seriously. Of course people change, but at least have the balls to come forward and admit that like a real man.

 

To blame his extra-curricular activities on your marriage is lower than low. A decent person, and one who has respect for you will treat you as an equal partner deserving of consideration, appreciation, and honour. Someone who starts contacting strangers on the net for sex isn't showing you ANY of these things.

 

I personally feel that a man who does this sort of thing is not worth any more of your time, tears, or worries. Why bother giving someone a chance when they haven't done the same?

[ElektraHere]

Im sorry but to say that he knew you would find out is totally taking blame away from himself.

 

If I found out that information not so much the porn but the dating site I would be livid. I would feel betrayed and I would probably make him stay elsewhere. Not in the same house.

[Momene]

If everyone who "didn't connect like we used to" sought extra marital sex on the net, all the servers would crash.

 

I've drifted apart, together, apart, together, apart so many times in 17 years and I don't think I'm at all unusual. I think most people in a couple feel left out and lonely at some stage and no, spouses aren't always in the most receptive mood to talk about "us".

 

My wife and I don't connect like we used to. Perhaps I should seek sex on the net!?

[Rabican]

! I confronted him with it & he got all apoligetic and started crying. His excuse was that he and I weren't "connecting" the way we used to and this was his attempt to get my attention because he knew I would find out. What would you do?

 

 

That is the biggest load of crap ive ever heard. Hes trying to excuse his bad behavior and sort of make it sound like its your fault.

 

If you guys arent connecting he needs to talk to YOU ABOUT IT not other women, and plan to cheat on you. If you found this much, without him being honest about it (you had to dig to find it) god only knows what else may have happened.

[annie24]

That is the biggest load of crap ive ever heard. Hes trying to excuse his bad behavior and sort of make it sound like its your fault.

 

If you guys arent connecting he needs to talk to YOU ABOUT IT not other women, and plan to cheat on you. If you found this much, without him being honest about it (you had to dig to find it) god only knows what else may have happened.

 

exactly. if the connection was hurt, then why does he think meeting other women will help your connection? that is the WORST possible thing he can do.

 

It is like if someone is upset about being overweight, so they go out and buy a whole cake and eat it. Why would that help anything, except to make the situation worse?

[scared2death]

No, we are married... We got married back in 1997. This makes things a bit more complicated. But to be honest I don't think I would have as much turmoil if it was just a marriage I had to worry abt. But I worry so much for my kids that look up to their daddy & mommy.

[scared2death]

If everyone who "didn't connect like we used to" sought extra marital sex on the net, all the servers would crash

 

This put a smile on my face. Your so right.

 

I wanted to give you all a history on my husband, I'm not making excuses for him, but I just want you know all the cards I'm playing with.

 

My husband's father was a schmuck and screwed around on his wife several times before leaving her & his four boys. This has put my husband to tears at times. He didn't grow up w/ his father and vowed not to be like his father. He had a crush on me all through high school and asked me out over & over but I turned him down. A year after high school, we met up again at a church function and by this point I had my first daughter by some loser who I haven't seen since the day of conception. We started dating. This sounds narcissistic but I am a pretty girl and my husband was the akward guy that some find unattractive. People have said time & time again- even still- how did he get you? My husband feels sometimes like he doesn't deserve me. That in no way excuses his behaviour, but sometimes I wonder if self-sabatoge was the primary goal. Why do people purposely screw themselves over? To play the victim?

 

I'm still at a loss as to how to handle this. All of your input is so appreciated! REALLY! Thank you! Keep it coming though, cause I feel like I'm hanging on my a strand here.

 

When I found those emails, it was a Sunday morning & my husband was out mowing the lawn, so I left the emails on the laptop, wrote a nasty message on a post-it note that said something like "You want a break, you got it" which at the time seemed witty, but looking back I can think of a million things I could have said. Than I grabbed the kids and took them to the park. I stayed there for hours until my youngest had a poo accident in his pants (boy did that add to the joy of that day) so because I had left in a rush I had nothing on me. I went back and he was freaking out, sobbing. I WISH I had thought things through and packed up stuck & left his a** at least for the night. I didn't think of it then... I was just wanted to get OUT.

 

It's been 3 weeks or so since this all happened, but the more time goes, the worse I feel. WHY? I thought time would help me, but it's not. I'm getting bitter. And I wonder, is it too late to kick him out on his a**? Should I leave for a bit? I think I want to do this more to teach him a lesson. But should I?

 

I have always had a trust problem, mostly because of childhood issues, but thats a whole other forum. I could never trust anyone, but this really, honestly caught me off guard! He was the ONE person in my life for the 9 years that I KNEW without a doubt would NEVER hurt me. I sure was lying to myself.

 

I know I'm babbling & not making too much sense and I'm sooo sorry. It's just my closest friend is the very man that hurt me. I feel alone and lost and could use as much help as possible.

 

Thanks...

[ElektraHere]

Sorry your husband had the choice on whether what he was doing was right. Unless he had a labotomy he should know right from wrong. We all have our stories of growing up in not so great environments. He needs to own up to the fact that the reason he is sorry is that he got caught. I know you have 9 years with him and you are married with children. Perhaps counseling will help but I know for me that trust will always be marred. I don't think I could ever fully trust him again.

[Beyondthesea]

Why do people purposely screw themselves over? To play the victim?

 

100% yes IMO. I hate people who do the 'oh poor me' then ruin other people's lives. How ridiculous.

 

Personally I would leave. I really believe that as soon as he is satisfied he's forgiven he'll be right back on there. You'll always be wondering and chasing after him.

[melrich]

It's been 3 weeks or so since this all happened, but the more time goes, the worse I feel. WHY?

 

Because you haven't resolved anything one way or another.

 

You need to figure yourself out first. How do you want this to pan out. You want to stay with him? What do you need to happen to make that work?

 

You can't live with it. Want to get out of the marriage? Same question. What needs to happen.

 

At some point you are going to have to confront this issue properly and deal with it. One way or the other. As painful as it may be you need to talk to your husband. Not an accuse/deny/excuse discussion. That's done. You need to have a "What are we going to do now?" discussion.

[adayatthebeach]

I think his excuses are pretty lame, but if you are worried about your children, maybe you could try going to counciling?

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

I'd leave. I'd wonder what else he was capable of, ya know?

[scared2death]

Perhaps counseling will help but I know for me that trust will always be marred. I don't think I could ever fully trust him again.

 

That is exactly what I am afraid of.

 

Shortly after this all happened he and I sat there and had that "what do we do now" talk. We both mutually decided to make this work. Truth is, I had no intention of leaving him... Even the first day when I discovered everything, I never once thoght of ending it. I think that's because the shock of what had happened hadn't sunk in yet. I mean I was a walking zombie for two weeks after that. But, now, almost a month after it all, I am really wondering what the heck I'm doing sticking around! I feel like I ruin alot of poeples lives and let them down if I leave him. But what am I going to do 2 or 3 or even 10 years from now if/when this happens again and I've wasted MORE years on this guy? I think if that happened I would kill myself, put me out of my misery just for being a freakin' dumba**!

 

And what some of you said, that I will spend my life worrying & chasing after him... Your so completely right. I already see me doing this... It's like my morning routine to check his email and the cookies on our computer. How sick is that?

 

At first when I read through all your responses, I realized you all were implying that I was making excuses for him. I was pissed. But, after I really thought abt it, I think I am. What the hell?

 

God I can see why some women give up on men completely. Being an old creepy cat lady sounds really great right now... Course I'm only 28 and not that creepy, but I do have a cat! I'm on my way!

 

](*,)

[Momene]

Well I think this is a case for making some forms of murder legal.