Things CAN get worse...

[BornToResist]

Her family is full of single "we need to screw over all men" type of women. They would definently support her doing this unfortunately.

 

Anyways I'm with you Beec, I doubt she'd be able to pull it off forever. And this little girl is very strong and would make her life a living hell if necessary, as she should.

 

And it would look SO BAD if she kidnapped her daughter. R would get custody for sure after that, and I think that would be the one thing to stop her in her tracks.

[Dilly]

I was thinking that many families would support a child being ripped away from a parent that is portrayed as "unfit". Seriously, the moral fabric of our society is so shred that people don't think twice about exercising judgment like this and usually, when you throw in a few hard facts, you can spoil the image of one or both parents to any party.

 

How would Canada cooperate with the US in such a case? Do parents that kidnap children accross country borders usually succeed? SO SCARY!

[BornToResist]

I was thinking that many families would support a child being ripped away from a parent that is portrayed as "unfit". Seriously, the moral fabric of our society is so shred that people don't think twice about exercising judgment like this and usually, when you throw in a few hard facts, you can spoil the image of one or both parents to any party.

 

How would Canada cooperate with the US in such a case? Do parents that kidnap children accross country borders usually succeed? SO SCARY!

 

I've read a little about it, and it gives a profile sort of thing for women who do this, and of course she fits it to a T. And yes, I'm pretty sure if she goes out of the country there really is nothing we can do about it until she returns.

 

Anyways I'm going to keep the mindframe that she isn't going to do this or hasn't... Innocent until proven guilty.

 

Moving on...

I FINALLY told my dad I'm pregnant. I was fighting with my mom and just decided to suck it up and do it while I was feeling feisty. Of course I broke down on the phone immediately because I felt so terrible about waiting so long. He was really great and understanding (after telling me all about birth control and making sure I didn't do it to trap R...couldn't be farther from the truth) and said thank you for telling him before the baby was born. He asked if I needed help in any way, financial or other, and I thanked him and told him all I needed was moral support. I made it clear that although I had avoided him for so long, it was just because I was afraid, not because I didn't want him around. He was happy.

 

He talked a little about the split between him and my mother (although it's been 8 years or so) and how he's still confused and life doesn't always work out the way you want it to. All in all it was a great conversation and I told him I wanted him around, he's the only grandpa my kid is going to have. He seemed happy and relieved but still a little in shock.

 

Anyways just wanted to write while it was still fresh in my mind. Another thing is checked off of my "to do before baby is born" list.

 

I feel like a grown-up.

[southerngirl]

Oh my she left with his daughter! I sure hope she doesnt do anything stupid.

 

.... Way to go on telling your dad!!! Thats great news! Im very happy for you that he seemed so nice about the whole thing =-) He loves you and he is going to love that baby too!

[Hope75]

Hey BTR,

 

I am sooo glad that you told your dad, and that it went well. I'll bet that is a big weight off your chest to get that out and too have his support! I had a feeling that even if he was upset at first, that he would eventually come around and be supportive.

 

I'm so proud of you.

 

I hope that R's ex wife won't do anything stupid by trying to keep his daughter away, but if she does make sure that R follows the law and contacts the police to handle it and get her back.

 

Hopefully it won't come to that.

 

Keep us updated!

[Beec]

Glad you finally told Dad and that it went well. Thought it would. Don't ask me why, but it's been my experience that Dad's often take it the best. I had a colleague for a month (she found out right after she was hired, and then went back to an old job) whose boyfriend told her to abort, mother told her to whisper right, and her father just hugged her. The boyfriend came around within a short while and then began to put her on a regimin for the health of the baby.

 

I think all anyone can do with regard to R's daughter is hope, but what else do we really ever have?

[Dilly]

Ditto on the congrats for telling your baby's grandpa!!!

 

I wonder if you could prewarn the Canadian authorities at the border crossings. I mean, maybe they could flag her passport and just probe a little more. If you suspect kidnapping, maybe that's one precaution you could take. I know nothing about it, but that seems like something that might come up often.

[scarew]

GOOD JOB ON TELLING POPS!

 

I wrote my dad the "I'm pregnant, sorry...I guess" letter. He should have received the card on friday. But I thought well he's busy so maybe he didn't check his mail until monday. Now its thursday and still no word.

 

Sounds retarted, but last night I was seriously afraid that someone was in my house. Some sort of hitman. Its not like my dad is in the mafia, but he's crazy. I don't know if I should call him, or what. I also sent a "congrats great gramma" card to his mom, maybe I should call her. So much anxiety, I applaud you for getting through it.

 

BTR, don't get too caught up in the stress with R's daughter. You don't know anything has happened yet. Cross the bridge when you come to it. Don't stress your little dude out. I understand your worry of course! I just think you might be focusing on alot of "what if's" and there is no point because really, she could be back soon. One day at a time

[BornToResist]

I'm not too stressed about R's daughter. It just helps to write it all out, you know? I love that little girl so much and I know she's freaking out, thinking she's not coming home and that bothers me. I'm so protective.

 

Thanks, it was so hard to tell my dad! I was tempted to shoot him an email or something, but I don't know. This is such an adult thing, I had to at least call him. I broke down immediately on the phone but he was great about it, he was just happy to hear it from me. Daddy's are protective of their little girls, which obviously you know!

 

It was strange though because when I went out and told my family I called him, my brother was obviously bothered by it. I think at this point there's no way my dad can win. If he doesn't act like a grandpa, he's going to disappoint me. But if he shows up and starts being there for my little boy, then my brother is going to be SO HURT because all he wanted was my dad's approval and his kids ask about him all the time...my dad will tell them he'll come out and see them and never does. He hasn't even seen my newest niece, or called, or anything.

 

When my brother first told him he was going to have a kid, my dad kicked him out. And with me...he asks me if I need any help and all that. It's different but it's going to be hard whatever he does I guess.

 

I'm just happy I got it over with though!

[scarew]

Thats great honey! I was just worried about your stress thats all. I am sure this dad thing is a huge load off!

[BornToResist]

Oh yeah it was!!

 

Just got back from my doctor's appointment...they said the baby is growing REALLY well and I go back every TWO weeks now.

 

Ahhhhhhhhhhh it's getting close!

[Dilly]

Well, you are an adult, not sure how old your dad was when your brother got his g-friend pregnant, but wasn't his girlfriend like 16 or something? That's one thing dad's tell boys when they're young (I have two brothers and have overheard THE CONVERSATIONS) - to avoid getting a girl pregnant.

 

WOW! That's great!!! It is getting close - Southerngirl is only a few days away and then, aren't you next? I don't know if anyone here is due between the two of you. WOW!!!

[BornToResist]

Yeah you're right Dilly...it was a completely different situation. She wasn't exactly his girlfriend at the time, she was his best friend's sister. He was living with his gf too. What a tangled web. I kinda forgot about all that drama. Mine is pretty simple, my dad has met R a couple times and liked him and knew we were living together, etc. So I guess I'm going about it a little better, lol.

 

ANYWAYS

Take one step forward, two steps back.

R can't handle staying with his friend (he was staying there to save up $$$) so he's going back to his motorhome to the beach (middle of December...?), AND he asked to borrow some money until Monday. *SIGH* Oh yeah and he's out of work (construction + winter = not a good combo) so who knows when the money will come in again. He's off surfing today. *SIGH AGAIN*

 

Things don't change I guess.

 

His rent this month was only $500.00....he was supposed to have saved up at least $1000 to pay security deposit on that other place by today. If he's making so much money, then where is it going...???? He obviously doesn't have the money so he won't be moving in...he's going to blow anything he does make living in the motorhome.

 

I DON'T GET IT.

 

He might be taken to court for the fight of his life at the beginning of the year and he NEEDS STABILITY. GOD I feel like smacking him, what the hell is he thinking? I'm somewhat disappointed but knew he wouldn't pull anything off.

 

The money isn't a lot so I said I'd lend it to him until Monday, and I better not have to ask for it back, he better just fork it over next week. We'll see. I know I had no reason to lend it, but I guess I feel like being generous. Who knows. Maybe I'm just a sucker.

 

When he asked, he said he has to pay his car payment, but he chose to eat instead (who doesn't save enough money for food??). His daughter wasn't supposed to leave until next week...how exactly was he going to feed her when she was around?

 

Most importantly, WHERE DOES HE INTEND ON LIVING?? I know the answer...he's going to bum around and then pressure me to get a place again. Only this time it will be more pressure because it's going to be down to the wire and he'll have to go to court and be panicked, having to provide a stable family environment. *rolls eyes*

 

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You know, his daughter still believes in Santa and all those things. Last Easter I bought a bunch of stuff for her so she wouldn't think the Easter bunny forgot about her and I left it in my car so she wouldn't see it. I woke him up at like 3am to go get it so he could do Easter for her and he said no...so I had to drag my butt out into the cold to get the crap I payed for to give his daughter an Easter. Things were bad then, but come on, what parent does that...??? How is he going to pull of Christmas this year...????

 

I'm disgusted to say the least. But it's my choice to stay on or get off this merry-go-round. But all I can say is THANK GOD he doesn't have any impact whether I have a roof over my head or not. He's going to be THIRTY in February and he's the most irresponsible person ever.

 

Whatever. I have a room of my own, warm bed, food in the fridge, money in the bank, and enough of all that for my little one too.

 

**********

More (kinda pointless) ranting:

Okay he's been complaining about the guy he's staying with (his best friend ever who he's been pushing to name our son after, yeah right, not gonna happen) and how he's SO LOUD and inconsiderate.

 

It's so funny to hear him talk about these things, because R is exactly the same way...

He'd complain about how he comes in in the middle of the night or whenever and be loud and obnoxious. When we were living together (even when I stayed with him the past couple times), he was SO loud. If I didn't like it, too bad. We'd be sleeping and he'd get up to use the restroom and flip on the light and leave it on while he left the room. Then he'd tell me I had an attitude if I got up and turned off the light and slammed the door or whatever.

 

He'd have his friends over in the middle of the night, while he was out of work and I had to be up and out early in the morning. He'd make me stomp down and talk to him in front of everyone, looking like the biggest jerk ever.

 

He'd flip on the TV while we were sleeping...if he starts coughing and it bothers him he'll start talking really loud to me while I'm sleeping...once he heard a noise outside and jumped up and was standing on MY HEAD and didn't even realize it. WHAT THE HELL he deserves everything he gets.

 

His friend apparently eats everything that R buys and he's so mad about it...

I'd buy food for the week and if he was out of work for a day or two, he'd just sit there and eat it ALL. Then I'd we'd be screwed and he'd tell me I was selfish if I didn't buy any more and only bought food for myself while I was out or before I came home.

 

Okay I think I'm done. Just had a moment I guess.

[Hope75]

Oh BTR,

 

*sigh* this is why I am always so cautious when you have something positive to say about how R has been behaving. It seems he has an up moment, and then he crashes right back down. It's really sad that he's almost 30 with one child and one on the way and he makes himself his # 1 priority still.

 

Most importantly, WHERE DOES HE INTEND ON LIVING?? I know the answer...he's going to bum around and then pressure me to get a place again. Only this time it will be more pressure because it's going to be down to the wire and he'll have to go to court and be panicked, having to provide a stable family environment. *rolls eyes*

I sincerely hope that you do NOT agree to move in with him and support him under these pretenses. BTR, R has had ALOT of time to get his act together. He's been telling you since you broke up and moved out that he was going to get his act together and have a place to live- but you are what- 6, 7 months pregnant now and he's still bouncing around like a 19 year old, surfing when he should be looking for work to get a place to live and a stable home for this custody battle?

 

At this point, if you agree to move in with him, you will just be enabling him to be a total deadbeat again. He obviously can't care that much about getting his daughter back if he's surfing instead of looking for work and a stable place to live. I love how he sits back and expects you to come and save the day, AGAIN, for his sorry behind. He's doing NOTHING to help his situation, but you can bet when crunch time comes and he goes to court, it'll be "WAH WAH WAH, BTR, SAVE ME... THE WORLD IS AGAINST ME AND YOU DON'T LOVE ME IF YOU DON'T MOVE IN AND SUPPORT ME AND SAVE MY DAUGHTER ..." This is his own fault. He takes NO responsibility- don't let him get away with that by digging him out again!!

 

Do you think that you will ever see that money again? Frankly, if I were him, I'd be embarrassed to ask my pregnant girlfriend for money to pay my rent. What's wrong with him? Grrrr.....

 

I don't know what else to say except that you are a responsible adult who knows what you are putting yourself through. I just can't figure out how this is better than being on your own.

[Beec]

BTR,

 

View this as a test for you. If you really do have standards that R has to live up to, then this is the test. He is testing you to see what you mean. In essense, you gave him tests, he failed, now it is time for you to "fail" him. A teacher who is just going to pass her students when they have not learned anything is not much of a teacher. He failed, give him an F.

 

And, however you need to communicate that to him, do it. Shun him, yell at him, just tell him off and have little contact. Whatever you need to do to get it through.

 

You might give him some suggestions on how to pass, like take whatever menial work he can find and do it to put a few bucks in his pocket. Which might pull him up to a D for this week, but right now F.

[BornToResist]

Very good advice Beec! It is so true and very well said (like always! )

 

Well I am on my own but I like the fact that he cares (in whatever way that is...). Like I can call R and talk about the baby and everything...it might be a false sense of whatever it is I'm getting from him, but I feel I'm still benefitting in some way from keeping communication open. But everything he's going through doesn't affect me anymore.

 

I get frustrated hearing about it all because it's just like banging your head on the wall, but all in all I love him and as long as he's not making me cry then I don't want to cut him out. (How pathetic is that...)

 

I have no intention of jumping in and saving him. He pulled this a little bit ago when he called me and said "my ex is moving out of state, we need a place NOW" and I just told him I was sorry and didn't know what to say. He said how heartbroken he was that I wasn't willing to jump in and fight the world with him again and I just shrugged. I'm done picking up his messes...I really know I am. He can call me selfish and whatever names he feels, but I really feel I learned my lesson. He's an adult and should be pulling AT LEAST his own weight.

 

I had every intention of keeping the whole moving in together thing on the table, as long as he met my requirements. He has to move closer, he has to get a place ALL on his own, pay rent for a few good months to prove he's really turned a new page, and set it up for the baby and I to live comfortably. This includes food in the fridge, utilities paid, the whole 9 yards. I know it's not too much to ask and if he thinks I'm selfish, then fine. Good luck finding another girl to jump in that situation with you, you know? Besides, HE was the one who said he was going to live up to this, it wasn't me just forcing it on him like always.

 

I had no problem pulling all of this off for him and his daughter earlier this year, and he wasn't even the least bit grateful. I found the place, signed the lease, paid the rent and security deposit, EVERYTHING. I got all the furniture to fill the place and put food in the fridge. It takes time and dedication (you know, no skipping work to surf, actually SAVING money, what a concept) but it's easy. And I'm what, seven years younger than him...?

 

I do care about him a whole lot and that's unfortunate for me. But my days of jumping in and saving him are over. I have a person who relies on me...someone actually WORTHY of all of that time, effort and consideration. The situation is already lop-sided (I'm stable emotionally and financially, R is not) and the least I can do is make sure ONE of this kid's parents is on the right track. I'll be darned if I let R take that from my son.

 

He will NOT grow up the way R or his daughter did. While we were arguing one time about moving in together, I told him I was done moving around every two months, and he said "You moved what, six times in the past couple years, but that's it in your life right? I moved that many times before I was FIVE" and I told him that just because it happened doesn't mean it's okay and I'm NOT doing that to our kid.

 

My mom was right...he loves it at "rock bottom."

[scarew]

I had a deadbeat dad who lived far away from my moderatly stable mother. I did fine. As long as your primary environment is stable growing up your child will turn out fine! Your relationship with R might not be a fairy tale happy little la la land, but you are keeping the necessary distance for AS LONG AS IT TAKES! Until either of you win the lottery, or he grows up, this is how it has to be.

 

If you told him that he would probably take it as a suggestion to buy lottery tickets.

 

You know those old men you see in the bar, who are like 40 or 50, by themselves, ''in between jobs right now'', pissed drunk, rambling on about their kids who are now in their twenties, hitting on twelveteen year old girls...

I always wonder how they let themselves get to that point. Wouldn't they just wake up one day and say, "Hey, I am forty, and have no life. What the hell is wrong with me?"

 

Sorry to say it, but R is on his way down that road. I'm not dooming him, but as you were saying, he is pushing 30, has 2 kids now, and is living the surfer life. Aw geez.

 

You know, a man gets past a certain point where the hope that he is going to ever really get it just starts diminishing. I hope that u don't become a hope junkie. My mother stayed with my father longer than she should have because every day when she thought of leaving him she would be worried that one day, 5 years later, she would see him walking down the street all cleaned up with a wife and kids. She loved him alot, but had to leave.

 

She was right, it never did happen. He tried it a few times, but just can't grow up.

[BornToResist]

If you told him that he would probably take it as a suggestion to buy lottery tickets.

 

That made me laugh because it is SO TRUE.

 

It makes me feel good to hear you turned out fine. I'm happy R wants to be a part of this kid's life and that seems to be all I can ask for at this point.

 

I don't think I'll end up a hope junkie like you said. I think once this baby is born, I'm not going to be able to trick myself into thinking that this relationship will pay off or is good for me in any way. I'm not going to have any time, patience, or energy to deal with his life anymore.

 

I can feel myself not caring more and more, and although it's a great thing for me, it's also scary. Because I will have to be the one to rip off the bandaid and will be blamed for 18+ years for not giving our kid the two-parent household.

 

(But I feel I honestly do know in my heart that R is not my prince...I know there's someone out there for me who is a much better fit. I'm just not ready to deal with all that and what it means yet...it makes me feel guilty to even admit that on any level.)

[scarew]

Yes, hence the brackets (). The two parent household is kind of a myth. Yes it is ideal, so is a white picket fence. Better to have one good parent than than one good and one bad who taints the entire environment. I accepted my dad for what he was at a very young age. My mother was sure to not say anythign negative about him, but if I asked she would be honest. My father loves me very much but can't show it in a way that maybe he should be. Your right to say that all you can ask is for him to be there for the kid. All you may be able to expect is for him to love your little guy, and I am sure he will.

[BornToResist]

Yeah you're completely right.

 

R just called me...his best friend just kicked him out of his place and is refunding the money he paid for rent as long as he just leaves.

 

It's not just me. Nobody can handle him, or even get through to him at all.

 

They got into a little spat about timing on a side-job they were supposed to do together, and his friend changed it to today. R felt he kinda "took the job away" from him so he said do it yourself, I'm going surfing. Then the guy said just go away pretty much. SURPRISE SURPRISE.

 

He asked what I thought but I could tell he had a chip on his shoulder, so I told him he was being weird so I'm just going to listen and not give my opinion and he got off the phone.

 

Back to the motorhome.

 

Man, this really is mindblowing.

 

How can a person go through so many negative things and they can STILL blame it on everyone else...? How can you NOT take responsibility when even your best friend through thick and thin tells you there's a problem with you?

 

Anyways. I can only control me, and it seems to be going okay for me.

[scarew]

Man, this really is mindblowing.

 

How can a person go through so many negative things and they can STILL blame it on everyone else...? How can you NOT take responsibility when even your best friend through thick and thin tells you there's a problem with you?

 

Did you tell him this? Not just as a woman expecting SOMETHING from her boyfriend but as someone who cares about his future?

 

And be sure to say oh good now that your getting the rent money back you can pay me back on monday easily!

[Beec]

BTR do not be afraid of telling R just what you think. I tell my woman what I think and I will flat out tell her when I think she is wrong.

 

A few weeks ago someone sent something to our new place addressed to the former residents. I could have thrown it out, done nothing for a while, or whatever. But I took it to my office, called the person who sent it, and told them that it did not reach the former owner and that they could come get it. When I began taking it with me, I got this look from her and a statement that they would never do it for me. My response was that this was the right thing to do, and I kind of gave her a lecture. And a few minutes later, I got a look that told me she loved me, in part, for being that way.

 

R does not want you to give him a break, not in the long term. He knows it is not good for him. So tell him when he is full of it.

[BornToResist]

I've brought it up before but he gets SUPER defensive. (red flag #465165197)

 

I could tell on the phone if I said anything other than "yeah you're in the right" or something like that, I'd get my head bitten off so I just left it alone.

 

I'll talk to him tonight though, but it's hard because I know I'm only getting 1/2 (if that) of the story.

 

His friend is a REALLY great guy and usually is the only one R listens to.

 

Even when we'd talk about everything we went through (all the stuff HE did, I honestly just reacted to it, I did nothing to fight at that point...) and he says "do you honestly think that was all MY fault? You don't think you had anything to do with the way things went?" and when I ask him to tell me just exactly what I did, he has no answer but just says he knows it wasn't all him.

 

Okay I'm sick of thinking about him. I'll tell him what I think later tonight but I know what reaction I'm going to get. But we gotta talk cause he's so out of hand. I hope he's not doing drugs. *SIGH* Ah he's exhausting.

 

This must be so frustrating to hear about, I keep doing the same thing over and over and even I'm realizing just how hopeless he may be. I definently know how ridiculous he is. BLAH

[rocio]

This must be so frustrating to hear about, I keep doing the same thing over and over and even I'm realizing just how hopeless he may be.

 

I don't get frustrated. I know I don't post much, cuz I don't feel like I can give any meaningful advice on your situation (if I had anything figured out, I wouldn't be in my situation!) But I follow your thread religiously, and I find it inspirational.

[Beec]

I've brought it up before but he gets SUPER defensive. (red flag #465165197)

 

I could tell on the phone if I said anything other than "yeah you're in the right" or something like that, I'd get my head bitten off so I just left it alone.

 

He does this because it works for him. If it stops working, he should sooner or later get the idea. Let him yell, offer to get him a megaphone so everyone can hear.