Things CAN get worse...

[Dilly]

Worried about you, BTR, that you skipped out of work, nauseated and sick and are trying to work things out. You know, it's human nature and some might even say a noble deed to try to keep a dad in the picture but addiction to people can bring out a physical sickness when we become separated from them. I really think if you are addicted to R-, you both have to deal with your own addictions in different ways. Maybe you always enjoyed being his mom, but now realize he's never going to grow up? I really hate that he plays you and I really want you to make that impossible. You can do it - there are a number of ways, but I think ... it will be very, very tough if you try to work things out with him and let him abuse you like this. Once an abuser, always so? Is this true?

[BornToResist]

It is true. I stayed at home today and slept for like 15 hours and I feel so good right now though. I'm evaluating everything...and I want to tell him how I feel but I'm going to wait a little longer. He does not love me and I am not interested in a relationship with anyone who talks to me that way. He told me how he feels and he's entitled to his own opinions. I get so broken when he tells me that he's going for custody and that's the card he has. But you know what? I'M the mother...we aren't married, we don't live together, NOTHING. If he thinks this is going to be like his daughter in regards to custody, he's got something coming. Because yes, while I'm around him I get screwed up and I don't think realistically and I buy into his talk about how he can get custody, but I know darn right he cannot.

 

I suspect the only reason he wants to live together at all is because his mother told him about the custody issues. She's not dumb and wants to see her grandchild...and I understand that but I'm acting like a damn fool for letting him play these games with me. WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS? Nobody has ever been allowed to act that way towards me my entire life, and I'm not about to start being a doormat with HIM.

 

Yes, I still have those feelings for the person he USED to be...but he's not that person. He never was. It was just a facade. I know who I am and I will not let him take that away from me. When we met, he was attracted to the bubbly, confident, strong me and he destroyed that for a short time...but I'm still that person. I just have to take the poison out of my life and I have to do it before this baby is born. I won't let this child see this man get to me...I am a strong woman and I'm going to be a mother...I have to be strong for someone else now.

 

I will find someone new, I know I will. My exboyfriends still call me and think I'm an awesome person so I must have something to offer...to the right person. I hate him for what he's doing to me and I have to stand up for myself. I made the decision to keep this baby and I will not let him make me feel badly about that. That's HIS problem, not mine.

 

I don't know if I wrote this before, but he called me last night to tell me he "loves me and hopes things will work out" and I told him I was very hurt by the things he said and I don't want him to say or think those things about me. His reply? "I don't want to think them either..." When I told him how badly he hurt me, he said he hurt too. WHAT THE HECK? This is entirely in his control and I'm SICK of his STUPID games! I'm not a victim anymore...I'm a strong woman who in a couple of months is going to have a beatiful baby because I wouldn't let him make my decision to "KILL IT."

 

All I needed was time away from him and I'm back to normal. He is so toxic and the more I'm away, the better I am.

 

Thank you guys so much for continuing to give me advice and support.

[Dilly]

You sound like you've screwed your head on straight and that you've found the person that he and all your ex's fell in love with, a person who loves and values life, and a person who supports herself, one who is generous and compassionate and has a long list of good things coming to her. He is poison in your veins and I'm glad you are in the detoxification program! GOD AM I HAPPY FOR YOU! I actually have started praying again (have been agnostic for years) and you're in those prayers!

 

GOOD LUCK GIRLEEGIRL!!! Keep up the good work!!!

 

Gosh, can I just tell you again how happy I am for you!!! YES!!! Keep up your strength!!!

[BornToResist]

Thank you so much! I'm feeling strong again and that's a good feeling. Whenever I see or talk to him, he beats me down and LAUGHS about it. He makes me sick. But it's MY fault that I put myself in that situation, knowing what will come of it. Not anymore...I just have to know that I'm strong and can handle him. I grew up with 2 big brothers and they taught me a whole lot...I used to surprise people and others would say "you know she's xxxxx's sister, right?" like OF COURSE I'd stand up for myself. I know better. And I'm so disgusted I let this guy get to me for so long...but now is the time for change. Haha I feel like Wonderwoman. BRING IT ON!!

 

Thanks so much Dilly, I really am starting to get religious again myself. It used to be a big part of me, but not for SO long. But I can feel myself wanting that in my life again. (I remember I wore a cross when I was living with R, and he made fun of me so bad and I ripped it off and threw it at me...and he said "un-f*** yourself" and left...what kind of person makes fun of another's beliefs?) Anyways...you(Dilly) and Hope and Southerngirl and BEEC and everyone else on this site is the only reason I haven't given up yet...you guys give me so much strength!!

 

 

 

I also have so many perks now...same last name as my kid, I get to pick the name 100% on my own, etc. Yay for me!

[Hope75]

This is an excellent post, Dilly. Very insightful, and I could not have said things better myself.

 

BTR, I am so glad you are re evaluating and are going to get rid of this toxic wastebag once and for all. And do see your lawyer to protect your rights ASAP. R is NOT going to get that baby from you.

[Dilly]

Thanks Hope and BTR!!! Here's to another good day. Rest, eat, and be marry!!!

[BornToResist]

Oh my gosh....I felt hiccups for the first time...such and AWESOME feeling.

 

I'm in love...

[Dilly]

Very Very Cool!

[Beec]

Oh my gosh....I felt hiccups for the first time...such and AWESOME feeling.

 

I'm in love...

 

That's great.

 

BTR, my one recommendation for you with regard to R is to treat him as if you are really disappointed in him, and I would think that you would be, because he's just not man enough.

[BornToResist]

I have tried that disappointment approach, but he really doesn't care. He doesn't care what I think about him, just as long as I give in. Everything else he turns around on me and tells me it's my fault he acts this way. And he really believes it too.

 

I want to be far, far away from him and that's it. I don't trust myself enough to talk to him about it yet, because I'm afraid he'll manipulate me again so I'm putting it off. But I'm way more than disappointed. He has lost all chances with me, this is over for good. I gave him more than enough opportunities...so many I feel like an idiot because he proves me to be one.

 

He's done.

 

I'm focusing all of my energy on myself, my health, and my child.

[Beec]

I'm focusing all of my energy on myself, my health, and my child.

 

That's the right attitude!

 

When and if you talk or see R, I don't think disappointment will take any effort. Aren't you disappointed? He really should not see any effort from you either. He's not worth any effort, not now.

[Dilly]

BTR, you sound strong! I am really, really proud of you. Yeah, I could see where the disappointment approach doesn't work. There are types of sick people that are "megalomaniacal" (some of the most egocentric and me-focussed) that are incapable of sincere apology or selflessness. I think R- may be that type. Sure, when he's been dumped, he may feel remourse, but only when he's been dumped and left on his butt. BTR, you are with a very controlling dude and ... gots to be careful and not even consider how he might react to you. I'm so happy for you and continuing to keep you in my prayers.

 

Glad to hear that you're coming back to your spiritual place too. When I met Robert, I was reading the bible constantly, intellectually, really really feeling deep committment to studying the bible and probably overstudying it. Then, I got met him and he's an atheist, a devout atheist. When I casually mentioned God's name, he looked at me and said, "Oh God, you don't actually believe that in that crap, do you?!" He really enjoyed tearing my belief system down and once even threw my bible on the floor. Then, he held me down one day (playfully it seemed) as I tried to leave the apartment for church. I was crying and upset. YOur story reminded me of mine. Sorry.... to go off on a tangent but fortunately there aren;t a whole lot of guys that are like this - just a few and I started questioning my own beliefs and within three months of meeting him, was seeing weakness in my beliefs and strength in the idea of my life ending with my mortality (no spiritual life thereafter). BUt no, I do CHOOSE to believe in something higher. It's a choice, I have no proof or cause to believe other than I feel it's right to ... whether I'm a sucka (as he calls me) or not. But you know, in the end, it was my biggest spiritual challenge to hold on to some idea of the possibility of God, when he was trying to get me to become an atheist. He said agnostics are cowards and don't know what to believe so they say they don't know. I am glad I hung on because that one remaining seed of my faith is growing again and I'm so happy.

 

Anyway, keep it coming, sweetie!!! You're growing stronger every day and this trial will make you stronger and better for the future, your child and hopefully you future life partner.

 

 

[BornToResist]

Thank you so much!

 

Don't let anyone tear down what you believe in. R really enjoys debating with people and he is VERY good with the words and prided himself on being able to hold his own when it came to religious conversations. That was before he met me, who had spent 10+ years at a religious school learning about religion inside and out. He tried the debating thing with me and I quickly counter-acted every single one of his points, and he got frustrated, took cheap shots and got me to get upset. I realized what he was doing. It made me feel stronger after that and decided that religion is the one thing that nobody can take away from me no matter what, and they really have no influence either. That's what hundreds of years of wars were fought for, right? Religious freedom?

 

So whatever a person's beliefs, more power to them. My point is I really hate those ignorant people, but sometimes you have to just ignore them, because when things are really, truly horrible and you feel you are the only one in the world, there is something wonderful about having a faith you can always turn to.

 

Anyways that's enough preaching for today.

[whatchamacallit]

BTR, I ran accross a book on this forum called "Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay". I am still in the process of reading it and it gives you a tool to let you see if you should stay in a relationship, or leave. However, it looks like you have left this guy, which is a good thing.

 

I was in a sorta similar relationship as this. They control your emotions so much that you don't know if you're coming or going! I had never experienced anything like it in my life...and I'm in my 50's! I'm so sorry for your predicament. Yes, it is funny how, when they're out of our lives, we remember the good parts of the relationship, not the bad. I am having to desparately remember why we split, so that I can more resist trying to get him back into my life. It is so very hard, I know. I just wish this realization of the other's faults killed the love. Our hearts just having caught up with our heads!

[Dilly]

I love that book! The best thing is that it's interactive. I was able to make the decision to leave my ex using that very book but my decision I feel had already been made long before as I felt we had grown emotionally apart.

 

Great book!

 

It's so amazing how controlled we get and feel in relationships. Very disappointing. The longer you stay sometimes, the more you communicate that it's OK.

[BornToResist]

I was in a sorta similar relationship as this. They control your emotions so much that you don't know if you're coming or going! I had never experienced anything like it in my life...and I'm in my 50's! I'm so sorry for your predicament. Yes, it is funny how, when they're out of our lives, we remember the good parts of the relationship, not the bad. I am having to desparately remember why we split, so that I can more resist trying to get him back into my life. It is so very hard, I know. I just wish this realization of the other's faults killed the love. Our hearts just having caught up with our heads!

 

That's the good thing about this site though...I have been writing all the bad days down and I can go back and read everything and how I felt, and it really opens my eyes. I see that the bad days outnumbered the good ones by a whole lot.

 

Anyways...I talked to R and he's playing the nice guy because he wants to be with me and all, but I didn't buy into it. I didn't tell him anything, just kinda avoided everything. But then he went into how he took me for granted and wants it to be us against the world like it always was. *sigh* I know that isn't ever going to happen, and it's HIS fault so I'm doing pretty okay. Super strong me!

 

R's mom called me and was being extremely nice to me and asked me how I was, etc. She wanted to see me because she's excited to have another grandchild, so I stopped by her house (she lives close by, and what the hell, why not). So I ended up staying there for about 3 hours and I told her pretty much everything. R was lying to her about it all. He basically just told her that I wouldn't make the decision to live with him and he didn't know why, but we just argued. I told her that he lied about his exgirlfriend, her phone call to me, how he still is in contact with her. I told her about he's been pressuring me to get an abortion and about the last time I went over there...how he talked about custody and everything.

 

Her response made me feel so great. She told me that she'll be there for me not matter what happens, and she is very disappointed in him. She told me that I need to stay away from him and it's up to him if he wants to be a part of this kids life, and if so, he has to make changes. She totally backed me up and is completely on my side. It wasn't my intention to "get her on my side", but I just told her the truth and she knows her son.

 

When I told her the thing about custody, she smiled, shook her head and told me there's absolutely NO way that the court would give him any custody...maybe visitation if he cleans up his act. She said I might not even want that.

 

I feel so validated.

[BornToResist]

I finally did it....

 

He called and was trying to get me to go out there again and I side-stepped the answer and got off the phone. He called me back and told me how much he loved me and he wants to make this work and it's up to me. I told him I couldn't do this anymore. I told him that although he doesn't believe me, I love him but I'm constantly banging my head on the wall...I wanted it to work but I know that it's never going to and I don't want to go through another bad day. He said he hoped I didn't say that and got off the phone.

 

He called back yet again and told me that he just wanted to say that he knows he tried his hardest and he can look himself in the mirror and know that he wasn't the one to quit. It was my choice to walk away and he has to deal with that and he loves me anyways.

 

ARG. This frustration I feel will go away....this IS what I want but I feel so disappointed deep down.

[Dilly]

I'm glad you had that conversation with his mom and that he is being nicer. He knows he's losing you and will try anything. The fact that you are talking to him is promise enough in his mind to continue the cycle of manipulation. He will keep on trying new tactics. I predict a week of niceties followed by a week of cruel intrusion.

[Hope75]

Hey Girl,

 

I love the way that he twisted things around yet again to try and make you look like the bad guy, guilt you, and make you question your decision and possibly take him back yet again. The truth of it is that he has done very little, if anything, to work towards being a good partner and being someone worthy and whom you can trust with a child and with your own heart.

 

The sad fact is that R is just not ready to accept any responsibilty, to act like adult , to own his behaviour and to make any changes.

 

Don't let him manipulate you for a second longer, BTR- you know in your heart and mind that you have made the right choice, the safe choice, for you and your baby and R's own mother even backs you up on that- that tells you something, doesn't it?

 

I'm curious, did you tell R's mom about his drug use/abuse?

 

Perhaps you should...

[Beec]

The sad fact is that R is just not ready to accept any responsibilty, to act like adult , to own his behaviour and to make any changes.

 

Don't let him manipulate you for a second longer, BTR- you know in your heart and mind that you have made the right choice, the safe choice, for you and your baby and R's own mother even backs you up on that- that tells you something, doesn't it?

 

I don't think it can be said better than this. He wants to, at times, be a good person, be a man, etc., but he is not there and too often seems to self-centered that the world must be orbiting his skull.

 

Keep up what you have been doing. Be strong.

[BornToResist]

Thanks. It was once again a confusing process, as is everything with him. I could tell he was trying to get me to do what he wanted at first. On the phone he told me "I can't put myself through this anymore, make a decision" and when it was to be on my own, he was shocked. What did he expect exactly...?

 

I know I shouldn't have, but I did end up calling him back. I didn't play into his games(much) and he still knows I don't want to be with him, but I told him that I tried and I didn't want to be with him because of what HE did. He's the one who killed it for me and I'm done, nothing he can do about it now. I felt better, although it was probably a minor setback. It will make him try harder to get me back, which I knew, but I felt more resolved.

 

I didn't tell his mother about his drug use. I felt kinda bad because I told her EVERYTHING already, but if I said anything about the drugs, well, she would go nuts. I just felt it wasn't my place, which it might have been, but I'll just see how things work out and how she handles all this information first I guess.

 

We talked briefly about a year ago and she asked me if he was using drugs and I told her no (I was too at the time) and she said how she'd take his daughter away so quick his head would spin if he was on them. That's a good thing, I know, but I'm just not ready for that....? I don't know what my excuse is exactly.

[Beec]

I didn't tell his mother about his drug use. I felt kinda bad because I told her EVERYTHING already, but if I said anything about the drugs, well, she would go nuts. I just felt it wasn't my place, which it might have been, but I'll just see how things work out and how she handles all this information first I guess.

 

We talked briefly about a year ago and she asked me if he was using drugs and I told her no (I was too at the time) and she said how she'd take his daughter away so quick his head would spin if he was on them. That's a good thing, I know, but I'm just not ready for that....? I don't know what my excuse is exactly.

 

Well maybe you just keep that as your ace in the hole. If he threatens to do something and you need him to have other problems, tell her.

 

One thing I would try to do in your case, is to have your child visit with her as much as you can. You want the child to bond with members of R's family, even if he only gets a little time, because he's a loser.

[Hope75]

Well maybe you just keep that as your ace in the hole. If he threatens to do something and you need him to have other problems, tell her.

 

One thing I would try to do in your case, is to have your child visit with her as much as you can. You want the child to bond with members of R's family, even if he only gets a little time, because he's a loser.

 

I agree 100% with this. I would keep that on reserve for now- but if things get ugly, the truth should be told. You know, she just wants to protect her granddaugher, and with good reason. The little girl was living in his car with him, in a trailor, being babysat by drug addicts who were high... what kind of psychological scarring do you think that is doing to her? In the same vein, she wants to protect your son too, her grandson. So think about it for awhile and see what you feel.

 

She does sound like a good role model and I agree that she should have time with your baby too. Don't let R's idiocy ruin any type of family bonding for the baby. If she is a good grandmother she should have some time with the baby too- it'll be good for all of you.

[BornToResist]

I have every intention of giving her a whole lot of time with this child. She has been one of the few steady rocks for his daughter. They take her to Hawaii every year, she has her bday parties at their house, etc. It's a good environment, and this lady was the only one praying to God that we'd keep the baby and was the first one to start buying baby blankets and stuff.

 

The funny thing is, R is not welcome at her house. She loves her son, but R had a falling out with his stepdad (her husband obviously) and they cannot even be in the same room together. So when we'd go by her house, when he was in town, he'd stop and I would jump out and go tell her we were there and she'd meet us outside. But I am very welcome there...she wants me to come by often.

 

Strange.

[Hope75]

It's sad that R isn't allowed there because of the stepfather... do you know what caused the falling out?

 

It is good that she provides some stability for R's daughter, it sounds as though that little girl could use a steady influence in her life.

 

How are you feeling now, BTR? Are you still relieved by your choice?

 

How do you see the next month or so playing out?