Feelings?

[renaissancewoman101]

Here I sit, in front of my computer, in my small little apt, listening to a song on my Ipod, missing T, thinking of him. He called last night again (he's been calling a few times while I was on vacation), left a message. I listened, wondering how he was doing. Before you guys all jump on me saying that I shouldnt listen to his messages, well "I MISS HIM AND I STILL CARE ABOUT THAT LITTLE FREAK". I have a heart and always have had one. I cant forget about him for he was the one thing that was predictable in my life, like my parents and my pets.

 

He left me the message around 11 PM last night and he was driving home from a party that he went to with his new flame (the intern). T was a bit tipsy from his message and he was driving on the freeway trying to get home and avoid the wrath of his bf. He was acting weird, like I never seen him before. T does drink, very rarely, but he is usually very careful since if he gets in trouble, this can cost him his job/career. Although I have known him to drink a few drinks at a party and drive home (I have warned him NOT to do that before). I worried about him driving, in a daze, in the LA traffic. T needs to take care of himself, not let his life go down the drain. He needs me. I worry about him. I didnt call him back last night. He wanted to talk to me so I could help keep him awake and alert. It took all my strength not to call him and make sure he was ok. I worried about him and I still do. He needs a person in his life to take care of him. His bf wont and I worry that his new flame is taking him down the wrong way of life.

 

Yeah, I still worry about him. He is the only thing in my life that I can predict, like my parents. I know how they all will be, what their buttons are, etc. They are the only stable things I have in my life right now, along with my pets. I tossed out the only stable thing in my life (albeit he was cruel and mean to me, but I knew what to expect) for what, I dont know. I have very little friends around here. I miss T and I worry about him. I try not to, but I still do.

 

I want so much to call him, make sure he is ok, coddle him, etc. I wont. I dont even now why I tossed him out of my life. My life isnt ANY better, but it isnt any worse either. I feel like I am in limbo. I went on a vacation to visit a friend and didnt really have a great time either. I ended up getting sick, which didnt help.

 

I want T back. I miss him a lot. I did do one thing productive since I got back from vacation. I went and made an appt with the DMV for next Thurs to take the written exam to change my driver's license, and to change my registration. At least I accomplished ONE thing out of MANY that I NEED to get done (like find a job).

[RayKay]

Do you really think being able to have someone whom is "predictable" in sense they are manipulative, will emotionally and verbally abuse you and use you is a GOOD thing?

 

I can understand your need for a friend you can rely and trust in, but T is not that guy...

 

I think more than "T" (whom you do not need) you need some very dedicated therapy sweetie. Because I believe you truly have years of emotional 'issues' of a sort to sort through. Which currently manifest themselves in the form of dependeny on toxic relationships.

[Ash]

I think more than "T" (whom you do not need) you need some very dedicated therapy sweetie. Because I believe you truly have years of emotional 'issues' of a sort to sort through. Which currently manifest themselves in the form of dependeny on toxic relationships.

 

And I know she means that in the nicest way, and I applaud you RayKay (once again) for writing from your heart.

 

I think what it really comes down to RenaissanceWoman is that we're concerned for your well being.

 

I also think you're feeling the gap "T" has left in your life, but think positively that that space can soon be filled by another. It's perfectly okay to miss somebody and want them back in your life, and make yourself believe the negatives were worth the positives, but are they really?

 

Well done on booking with the DMV. It's certainly a step in a great direction, perhaps the start of something good?

[renaissancewoman101]

Thank you all for being concerned about my well-being. Part of why I want to reconnect with T so much is because I have an slavish attachment to routine. Routine brings a sense of stability and normalcy into my life. I have always been like this, hence me having a hard time moving out here because it disrupted my routine.

 

I want T back because, in a way, he is a predictable routine for me, albeit not a good one. I have such a hard time dealing with changes in routines and it seems to be getting worse lately. I dont know why. Routine brings me a sense of stability and makes me less worried. When I dont know what will happen or can happen in my life, that brings out all the anxiety I have in me where I think the worse will happen or can happen.

 

I have very little routine out here right now because I dont have a job, but my fear of not having a routine is making me fear a lot of things. My fears are wrecking my life and my lack of routines is making me hid away from things. Just going on this vacation was a hard thing and although I had fun, I was glad to come back home so I could have some sense of routine.

 

I dont know why I am like that. I am acting like an old fuddy duddy with routine crap and I am only 33.

[RayKay]

Hey RW,

 

You know, I am a really "routine" person too...I like having a routine as it makes me feel more "safe" in many ways and gives me more "control". I don't really LIKE when things force me to change it, but, I have learned that I can ADAPT to new situations and create NEW routines...and that is okay too!

 

Some people just are more "routine" than others. It's not a BAD thing as long as you don't let it prevent you from also having experiences and making healthy choices too for yourself.

 

It took me a long time to realize that my need for routine was based on that sense of instability in my life that I had for a great while, and that need to "know" what was around the corner.

 

Maybe..instead of for example having that routine of talking to "T" every day, you need a healthier routine. Like...maybe starting to do some yoga or meditation at home. My routine is to make sure I get my workout in during the day for example, and as long as I can do that, I feel pretty safe with the rest of the day, being shaken up a bit!

 

-RayKay

[ElektraHere]

RW ~

 

I can't emphasize this more but you must start living. Its like you are living a life in your own jail. T was not a healthy relationship. What he does and did to you are not what a real friend is.

 

Like RayKay said find something to do. Be it exercise, class, art workshop, a job. ANYTHING!! I was unemployed all last Spring and Summer I can tell you I really started to go batty. My friends and family wanted me to do something to occupy my time. Well I signed up for school, really got serious about finding a job, and eventually got my life back on track again.

 

All the time you live "on hold" is time you can not get back. You really need to get out of the pity party mode (I dont mean that in a b!tchy sense) and start living. Motivate yourself. That is the best medicine...motivation.

[Beyondthesea]

Agree with Elecktra. Sitting around without any sort of stability causes anxiety.

 

I would really push to find a job, go to school or at the very least join a new activity.