Boyfriend's fantasies..

[GoodNewsIsOnTheWay]

We've reached a point in our relationship where we just gave up sexually -- and I mean in the sense, *I don't care if he looks at porn, fantasizes, masturbates frequently* what have you. Ironically enough, it did just as I expected.. It enhanced our sex lives in the sense he eventually learns that it's not as fullfilling as he'd hoped, and returns to me with a new perspective.. ready to love on me.

 

However, here's the deal... He's started mentioning stuff *during the act* about fantasies with people we know. Not threesomes.. they're STRICTLY lesbian. I'm as straight and narrow as they come in that sense... Not in an insecure way albeit, maybe in a "sheltered" way -- just because I've never thought of these things. I try to humor him.. But it's becoming uncomfortable for me. I just don't feel comfortable with EVER being with another girl. I want to please him, but I don't want to feel forced to be something I'm not.. Things have been also escalating and I'm afraid things are going to get worse in the sense of him wanting these things to become a reality. He use to tell me things to reassure that this is not what he wants -- but lately.. that's not the case. I'm in a strange way, scared. I just want him to love me for me, I want to love him for him, and I want sex to be a way we can share that, intimately. Seems it's taken a different path though...

 

Suggestions? Help? Advice? Shared experiences?

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

I don't know. I wouldn't be comfortable with that request either.

 

I don't think it's right for him to be trying to pressure you into something you don't want.

 

I also don't think it's right for him to make you feel like he wants more in the equation than just you. That you don't satisfy him alone.

 

Ick. Sounds like something's got the better of him. Maybe you should shop for a new boyfriend.

[Hannahleh]

shop for a new boyfriend.

 

There's a sale at Target...

[itsallgrand]

Have you spoken to him about this and told him how you feel?

Probably would be best to do this outside of a sexy moment.

 

I can understand how that would make you uncomfortable. I'm not straight and narrow - and it would still bother me. Mainly, the fact that it is being mentioned during the act.

 

Can you pinpoint what bothers you about it? What would you like to see change so that you would feel comfortable again?

 

You've given him a long leash and humored him. So he might think this is okay with you. I think it's time for a talk.

[Sally00]

There's a sale at Target...

Yeah I saw. Buy one, get one free.

[Bethany]

I'm with itsallgrand.

 

Bring this up and have a talk. I'm extremely open minded about sex, but that would bother me if he brought up stuff about other people whilst doing the act. He needs to stop.

[XLiFeLeSs_GaZeX]

Yeah I saw. Buy one, get one free.

 

Lets go shopping!

[GoodNewsIsOnTheWay]

he's a fantastic guy otherwise. We've been through hell and back over the last 4 years or so, and he's just been the biggest supporter emotionally, and until lately, the most considerate lover.

 

I'm just scared I guess. I want him to love me -- I want him to be aroused by me, I don't want him to feel he has to be on eggshells with me.. And it's such a sensitive issue, I think it's inevitable that he feels that way. It's not like I *haven't* told him *I'm not like that*, *I don't think I could ever do that for you*, etc... You know? And he's acted cool about it.. But lately (and I mean the past 2-3 weeks) -- he just hasn't been himself in that sense.. I want him to be perfectly aroused by *me* and *me* alone, and lately, I just think that's too much to ask. He's been fantasizing about me in a dressing room at a wedding with 3 other naked girls (bridesmaids, you know) -- and I think he liked one of them.. and that makes me physically feel even more uncomfortable. I don't want to make this a big deal (like a make or break deal) -- I just need him to see my side.. I don't ask for a 3some even with 2 guys.. why does he talk about this??

 

Conversation starters? lol *We gotta talk* won't be accepted.

[Majoraslayer]

Ick. Sounds like something's got the better of him. Maybe you should shop for a new boyfriend.

Typical female-to-female advice.

 

*Sigh*

 

Have you tried telling him how you feel about this in a diplomatic manner? A lot of men can be pig-headed, but what a lot of women don't realize is that you have to be straightforward with us when it comes to things bothering you like this. Instead of going to friends to ask for advice, try talking to him about it first. If he's straightforward enough to tell you his fantasy, then don't be afraid to be straightforward enough with him to discuss it. Its not just his sex life; its yours too.

 

A good conversation starter would be to just come right out and ask if you can talk instead of just saying that you need to. Tell him that something has been bothering you, and that you care enough about him to want to try to work through it by talking about it. If after you've talked to him about it he still tries to push this fantasy on you, then make sure and use the FOLLOWING STRATEGY INSTEAD OF THE AFORMENETIONED SHOPING ADVICE:

 

1. This is the most important step that a lot of women I've seen prefer to skip; break up with him if he's not the one you want to be with. DO NOT SKIP THIS STEP.

2. THEN move on to someone else. I'm saddened to say I have no choice but to make this distinction as way too many people screw this process up by listening to friends. Thats what happened to me; she listened to her friends and skipped step 1.

[EmptySoul]

You could do the whole, "I'll try it once and if I don't like it that's it." Thing, or you could just tell him you're not comfortable with it-if he cares about you he should be okay with it, and not try to force you into something you don't want to do.

 

-Empty

[Cardinal]

I am with majorslayer on this one. I am as guilty as anyone when it comes to reading a situation and quickly coming to the conclusion that it is best just to give up and end it. Find a new boyfriend. I take it whoever made that comment did so in jest.

 

Some people are indeed too easily swayed by outside advice. It shows weakness on their part imo. If you need to confront your SO and feel you can safely do so, that is the first step I would take too.

 

Lesbian fantasies are normal. Very normal. And I don't see anything wrong with that. I for one am happy he has told you about his fantasies. Just let him know that you have an aversion to doing that and it is something you won't do. But in the same breath, support him and make sure he knows that you care about his fantasies and you are willing to experiment and try things with him.

 

I think you are making too big a deal over this particular fantasy. It is the lesbian fantasy he is into. He is not into any other girl. It is not that he wants to be with her and not you or some ridiculous thing like that. Think about it. If he has a lesbian fantasy and wants to make a reality, his only recourse is to suggest bringing in another lady. A lot of couples do this.

 

If you were with a true lesbian, she would be interested in you only and would be if anything turned off by him. See why it doesn't make sense to worry about her in this scenario? Men often get very turned on by lesbians. It is just plain hot to watch or think about. It really doesn't involve men, or him particularly.

 

Just let him know it isn't something you will ever do with him. No harm no foul. Most likely he will just get that through his head and move on. I have a hard time seeing this as a big problem.

 

Btw, I am really happy your approach of letting go has had an overall positive outcome. Sometimes that sort of freedom is just what is needed.

[Shadows Light]

Hey... I'm up for the Shopping gig at TARGET.... although I'm a Saks Fifth Avenenue kinda girl..

 

On a serious note:

 

More power to your BF if he can articulate his fantasies to you. Thats a great thing. Don't shoot him down just yet. Its just a fantasy.. nothing more. People fantasize all the time.. and about stuff that they would never consider doing in real life. For instance.. I've fantasized about 1001 unique & creative ways to off my "X"..... would I actually do it. Of course not. Its just a lovely diversion to blow off some steam. We all fantasize, day dream.. in some way shape or form.

 

HOWEVER... I can see your concern. You are concerned that he might be grooming you or setting you up for a real live performance.....

 

Have you ever talked to him about attractions of the same sex? discussed how you may each feel about homosexuality? It'd be a great tine to say..... "Yeah I've thought about it..and its not for me. I can't ever see myself with another woman. The thought of it puts me off" And there's his answer.... so he knows.. there is no way, no how, ever..... that that fantasy is ever gonna be fufilled. Now..... if it were me, I'd tell hm no way no how never.... not unless it was Angelina Joli. And that will keep his fantasy humming... right????? cause what are the odds of that ????

 

You need not be scared. You should NEVER be scared of your partner. If you are.. its time to get out of dodge. But you never ever need to be scared of.... anything that might happen in bed. You have the right to say "NO" its as simple as that... NO.. NO .. NO NO NO. Don't compromise your principles for anyone. The way you feel about yourself is more important than how they feel about you. HE may not be in your life forever....but YOU will be there for yourself...

 

Next time your BF works through his fantasy scenario..after the interlude, is a good time to bring up the conversation.....

 

Light and airy.... "hey.. I'm glad you can share your fantasies with me. Its kinda exciting... and I'm glad you can be so open with me. But I have to ask you.... thats not something you'd really consider doing in real life is it?????? because if it is... its a big big turn off for me."

 

Don't be afraid to tell him how you feel. If it is truly something he wants and you do not.... SWEETIE.. NO amount of loving him is gonna be right for you. Do not compromise yourself for someone else if you arn't into it... you will hurt yourself in the long run.

 

And you can not make him be the way you want him to be. He is the way he is and its ok. If he's gone down paths are not for you... then they arn't for you. Don't be afraid to tackle this conversation..... sooner rather than later. You'll drive yourself nuts if you wait. good-luck.