does the WHOLE truth make it easier?

[super ian]

Guys/Girls, first off I want to thank everyone for this forum, I cant believe this stuff actually helps!!

 

Heres a thought to get everyones mind off their ex.... if we had a way of knowing the WHOLE TRUTH about our breakups, would it make recovery easier... or harder?

 

If we could all somehow know what our ex REALLY felt (not in love with you, interested in someone else, sex was terrible, ...) would it make things easier?

 

Would everyone here deal with things better if they just knew that everything was over with and why?

 

Girls (and guys as well) are always terrible at breaking up because they still care about the other person and dont want to hurt their feelings... but wont being 100% honest actually make things better in the long run?

 

"sorry babe but I just dont find you attractive anymore, and well that brazilian guy Fernando at work looks kinda hot, I just want some free time to myself now"

 

Or do we all want to cling to that hope... that hope that things might work out one day and that he or she still loves us....

[annie24]

no, it wouldn't help me. the fact they want to break up is the bottom line, and everything else is just details. what good would it do me to find out my ex wants the new brazilian woman in his workplace? it's not like I can turn brazilian and fix myself!

 

I don't want to know those details because I would wind up feeling bad about myself. I feel better writing "my own story".

[super ian]

hmmm interesting....

 

I asked this question to know what other people felt, but in my mind I still would like to know the truth... 100% hold nothing back.

 

I'm too strong to let the truth hurt me... however im not strong enough to block the thoughts of "why did she leave" and "will she come back"? out of my head.

[crvers]

no, it wouldn't help me. the fact they want to break up is the bottom line, and everything else is just details.

 

When the breakup occurs, the dumpee most likely will act irrational. Regardless of what the other says, you will automatically say you can change and work to fix the problems the dumper is leaving you for. Even when they don't say what the reasons are, people feel they can change and make everything better by accepting there is something wrong.

 

I think once the emotional rollercoaster dies down and both parties have accepted the relationship failed and both are ready to move forward separately, then the real reasons can be said. At that point you can take the criticism and maybe realize some things about yourself. But at the beginning it won't do anyone any good, plus it'll most likely hurt you more since it could come accross as vindictive (even if its not meant to).

[annie24]

I understand what you are saying.

 

for me, I guess there is a line between "what is a personality defect" and what is just inherent to the person.

 

for example, let's say a girl calls her boyfriend everyday. Her boyfriend breaks up with her because he says she is too clingy. but maybe her next boyfriend will like that she calls him everyday and it makes him happy.

 

I guess if the ex tells you why they broke up with you, you have to consider it, and decide if they have a point or not. what one person may deem as "clingy" behavior, another will think it's healthy.

 

now if you are calling 5 times a day and it is not reciprocated, that is clingy!

 

I remember one boyfriend a long time ago told me he didn't like my cooking as it was "too ethnic." (he was just a very close-minded american boy). but other men I have met love that I have a diverse cooking range. I guess it is just about finding the right match for you.

[Scout]

It depends. If the whole truth was mostly negative...that they honestly weren't in love with you anymore...it could go two ways. You could become stuck on that realization and let your self-esteem completely disintegrate, or you could deal with the pain for a while, and then finally move on because you know there's no hope. Your "survival" instincts would finally kick in.

[crvers]

I totally agree annie, sometimes the reasons can be petty and insignificant. Thats why I wouldn't exactly want the reasons upfront at the beginning. But eventually I would want to have that conversation, since if some of the flaws are significant and could cause you difficulty in future relationships then it could be useful.

 

Then again, to breakup with someone over they're cooking style is kinda sad. Good riddance on that one.

[annie24]

 

Then again, to breakup with someone over they're cooking style is kinda sad. Good riddance on that one.

 

LOL - no, that's not why we broke up. I broke up with him when he told me he had feelings for another girl (he was "in love" with her, but too afraid to ask her out.)

 

but that guy was constantly critisizing me, how I dressed, my weight, my cooking, my major, etc... after a while, I just asked, "i don't understand why you are even with me!"

 

once I realized he was holding out for someone else, I broke up with him and made him cry!

[super ian]

Ya when I asked to know the TRUTH... i mean the truth.... not necessarily from the person doing the breakup, because even they might not really know the truth.

[super ian]

but that guy was constantly critisizing me, how I dressed, my weight, my cooking, my major, etc... after a while, I just asked, "i don't understand why you are even with me!"

 

I understand where you are coming from this (in the end it did turn out that he didnt really care about you), but just because guys do all those things does not mean they are not happy with you!!!

 

In fact the ONLY sure way you can tell if I guy is not interested in being with you anymore... is if they STOP commenting on your clothes, your major, your cooking... because at that point they just dont care anymore.

[Day_Walker]

I dont think that there is anything about the truth and why people really break up would make the break up any easier. Rarely have I seen a person who can actually handle the truth when it comes to a break up. The truth hurts, and there is nothing comforting about the truth. That doesnt mean that the truth need not be told but I dont think the dumpee is going to find it any easier dealing with the truth than a lie. People often say they want to know the truth because it gives them something else to hold onto with their ex. Its almost as this search for the truth with shed light on the situation and make everything better, but it wont.