Just Friends????

[ConfusedBigTime]

Hi all! I am a first time poster to this site but I have been keeping up with many of the threads for a while now. I just wanted to say that it has been a big help reading your advice and thought I would run my situation by you all in hopes you could provide me some input/support.

 

My girlfriend broke up with me about 3 months ago after a year and a half relationship. We had a great relationship in that we built a friendship first that grew into much more. Over time I saw her become stressed and distant until finally one day she informed me that it was over. The stress came from her career that took it's toll on our relationship until finally she decided it could not be her career and us but instead, just her career.

 

I took it hard as I never expected this. I supported her when she needed it, I gave her space when she needed it and she admitted that I treated her very well. I have been on strict NC with the exception of a couple of times that we have crossed paths. She told me that she did not want a relationship but rather a friendship. I agreed but have been surprised that she continues to remain very distant with the walls up and has not broken NC since we agreed to be friends.

 

I have decided to continue NC and give her the space it seems she needs. While I feel we should be together, I am moving on especially with the mindset she is in now in. Basically the stress has affected her so much that she is a completely different person. My question is this....did she just want me to agree to a friendship to relieve her guilt? or does it sound like she is confused or is going through a period of time that she is not sure what she wants?

 

Thanks to all!

[Goldfish6888]

It sounds like she is moving on. I hate to say it.

 

My ex also said "let's be friends", but I said "I would find it too hard".

 

So, we are also in NC.

 

But as you've not heard from her at all, I would guess the friendship thing is often put there, because it makes the whole process a lot easier for the dumper. The Dumpee, on the other hand, definitely should not give into the "friends" tag, as it really is just going to hurt them in the long run and not give them a chance to get over the relationship.

 

I would'nt question what she wants, I would ask what you want? I would concentrate on you, rather than her. You are the one that needs to heal, not her. What do you want for yourself in two months time, six months time? Stop thinking about her. Hope I've been helpful.

[ConfusedBigTime]

Thanks Goldfish. I am moving on. I am dating and having fun again. I guess my reasons for wanting everyone's opinion is twofold. 1) To bring total closure and understanding and 2) To help me in any future relationships that I may have.

 

I am not going to say it was easy to move on but once I sat down and thought about it, it made it easier. I treated her well and she threw me away. I am not going to say I did not make small mistakes along the way, but I now know there is someone out there that will appreciate me for who I am and appreciate me for the way I treat them. I have also learned from the mistakes that will help me down the road as well.

 

I have used this time to improve myself. Mutual friends say that it is not me, it is her. She does not want a relationship with anyone and that one day she may come around. That would be nice but I am not going to wait for that to happen. I just find it odd that she wanted to continue a friendship but at the same time continues to treat me the same way the last few months we were together in that she was very distant and refused to let the walls down. I guess I will never totally understand and should not spend anymore time dwelling on it. It blows my mind to know that you can treat someone so well but yet it is not good enough.

[heloladies21]

It blows my mind to know that you can treat someone so well but yet it is not good enough.

 

Well this is the difference between men and women my friend. We can enjoy smooth sailing, a nice quiet life will keep us happy, while most women are drawn to emotional rollercoasters. They need the lows to make the highs seem higher, so if you weren't providing any of the negative (jealousy, upset) then the relationship gets stale to them.

[ConfusedBigTime]

I am not saying there weren't some minor problems in the year and a half that we dated but they were small in nature and probably something that all couples experience at one point or another. I am not saying I was perfect by any means but I was the type of person that she needed (she told me on several occastions) and then this happens. I just don't get it....

[Aurian]

Well this is the difference between men and women my friend. We can enjoy smooth sailing, a nice quiet life will keep us happy, while most women are drawn to emotional rollercoasters. They need the lows to make the highs seem higher, so if you weren't providing any of the negative (jealousy, upset) then the relationship gets stale to them.

 

Wow, that is cynical. I loved my ex-husband for the first 2 years when there wasn't much negative and he was sweet, loving and caring. It was the last two years, full of negativity, jealousy, anger and abuse that ended things. I'd love to find a "nice guy." I've never been much for bad boys who treat girls like jerks.

[ConfusedBigTime]

Wow, that is cynical. I loved my ex-husband for the first 2 years when there wasn't much negative and he was sweet, loving and caring. It was the last two years, full of negativity, jealousy, anger and abuse that ended things. I'd love to find a "nice guy." I've never been much for bad boys who treat girls like jerks.

 

I wish I could find someone that appreciated the "nice guy" but unfortunately, the ones I have been attracted to, evidently they do not.

[fatfaso]

I'm going through the EXACT same thing ConfusedBigTime. My girl left me after a six year relationship because she is stressed out about her career. She's currently in her last semester at advertising school and she'll have to look for a job in September. It probably doesn't help that she's been away from me for ten months studying abroad. She wants to go to one of the large cities like NYC or Chicago to get a job after she graduates, and she knows I still have one year left in law school in Miami. So what did she decide to do? Throw away the relationship. Why make a sacrifice, right?

 

We still talk daily and she tells me that she hates her life. She hates how we fight, she hates how she has so much work right now, she hates how her family doesn't understand how she can be so stressed out, she hates how her friendships with the kids she goes to school with are superficial. Personally I don't get it. She tells me she loves me and she hopes and prays that we get back together. Why hope and pray? If you want to have something happen, make it happen yourself. But whatever... she didn't appreciate me enough so I have to move on.

 

Bottom line: don't sweat it, bro. You sound just like me... a "nice" guy. I'm sure you treated her very well. Did you make a few mistakes here and there? Probably... you're human. But little mistakes should not be enough to end a loving relationship. Chances are, your lady doesn't know what she wants from life. When women get incredibly stressed out, they get tunnel-vision and focus soley on the big issue in their life. You have to make sure you don't take it personally. Just understand that what you are doing is the right thing for you. Try and keep the No Contact going for as long as you can and do your best to move on. If she wants you back later because she regrets her decision, you can take it from there. But right now, you're on your own. Enjoy the freedom as best you can. Good luck.

[tictactoe2006]

It blows my mind to know that you can treat someone so well but yet it is not good enough.

 

There's a saying that an old friend once told me when I was in your shoes.

 

 

"If a woman is not into you, you can buy her flowers, take her to fancy dinners, go on a trip with her around the world, and it will not matter. But if a woman IS into you, you can pee in her sink and that will not matter."

 

Kinda humorous, but also kinda true. You're gonna be fine.

[ConfusedBigTime]

I did treat her very well and she knows it. As I said before, I am not perfect and did make some minor mistakes along the way (as most people in relationships often do) but it was nothing that would even add up to make her want to walk away unless she was looking for any excuse to do so.

 

I am doing well. Makes it easier when you are not appreciated and are not considered a priority. The funny part is she was wanting us to still be friends and I agreed as I am a strong person and can just be her friend. Even accepting that fact, she is still very distant with her walls up. Something just does not add up with this. But I am ok with this as well as I now know I deserve so much better!

 

 

 

Very true!! I am not sure this fit this particular situation, but very true. I think her reasons for walking away are something totally different that only she knows and I could only speculate. But hey, she gave up, she walked away and now she will have to live with that decision. As for me, I know there is someone out there that will appreciate me for who I am. That is itself if encouraging and gives me the strength to move on.

[JohnnyTable]

link removed

 

Well worth a look. I love the book.