Desperate or Hurting

[Stuck-On-Him]

Here's my story, something I wrote!

 

Overcoming Life, One Step At a Time

I remember the day, like it was yesterday, in fact. It was a beautiful day in the city known for its busyness, and lack of concern for finding love, New York. After enjoying a beautiful day filled with the many excitements of the Amish town, Intercourse, we sat down to a lovely buffet. Just me and him, sitting together, talking about the normal gossip and activities that occurred that day. Delighting in the company of one another. That was the start of everything, the changing of my life. Those words that were spoken reformed my outlook on everything. It was like a Cinderella story filled with romance, all the while being up-to-date, and "cool". "I have learned to care about you, and I wanted to know if you would be my girlfriend?" he said as he anxiously awaited my response. Exploding with joy, I immediately said "OF COURSE!" trying to hold in the excitement and happiness while my heart beaded with joy. Those next five days in New York were amazing. Nic and I were inseperatable, growing to care about one another in a way most will never know. As the trip ended, and the initial joy began to fade, I wondered if it was going to be like all the other junior high relationships. But I knew it was different. Something about the way he looked at me, his eyes, a pathway into his heart, gave me confidence, that everything was okay. Just being around him, reassured me that life does have meaning and I do have potential to succeed. Because of him, his love for life, I found true happiness. Found peace with life and actually became an overall happier person. I grew self-confidence, self-worth, and over time this accumulated bringing me to where I am today. The plane ride home was a time I would never forget. I remember just lying in his arms without a worry in the world. The only tangible souvenir I have of that unforgettable 6-hour trip is the battered and utterly hideous plane blanket that has been the receiver of so many tears and so much sorrow. Getting back to school, with the pressures or life, and of parents, didn't change how I felt towards him. We were constantly talking on the phone, don't believe me check the phone bill, and my affection for him somewhere took a turn for the better and grew, with lots of time and effort into love. The real obstacle was the meeting of the parents. Surprisingly, he passed the test that was thought to be unpassable. With "yes and no sirs" he passed the "Dad Test" with flying colors. The day I looked at him and saw in him the many qualities of my father, was the day I knew I loved him. As a little girl, looking up to her father, I had always hoped to meet a guy just like my daddy to marry and love me. For that time, Nic was the guy. The guy I put my trust in, the guy that made my heart beat faster every time I was with him. I felt security with him, like he was superman and would protect me from everything. We shared everything together, laughs, tears, religion, as well as love. He was there when I needed to cry, and he was there when the world had failed me. Of course, being my role model, Nic never failed anything. His quirks and flaws were hidden; I was blinded by a sense of love. My focus on life became to hear those three words, "I love you." My self worth became based on his approval, and his opinion. Being the guy he is, Nic never tore me down, although, he had many opportunities. He always brought up the good qualities in me when I felt worthless. He always told me how beautiful I was and how much I had going for me. Never a hurtful word came out of his mouth, knowing that just one could crush my soul. Never having someone to love me like this, I reached for more and more. Wanting, craving, his attention, all of his attention. Wanting to spend every last second with him, that was my mistake. I now realize that when you love something so much, you try and hold it so close so that it will never leave you, but as all good things are, too much leads to disaster. That's when it happened, those words, cutting through my heart. Ripping it into pieces, shattering my dream and leaving me in ruins. No on has ever hurt me so much. All I could do for days was cry and hope. Innumerable amounts of tears fell for the love was gone, and broken and shattered, I was left. I thought there was no where to go, because the last 11 months, Nic was there when I cried. And now I was crying because of him. He needed space and as much as I respected that, man it hurt. I tried turning to suicide, but was later talked out of it. Friends all bailed on me, and I was left all alone with a broken heart and a shattered self-image. I didn't eat for days, and couldn't stand the thought that it really might be over. That after all we had overcome, this was the final roadblock, one that could not, would not be conquered. As the months passed, I found God. I re-established who I was, excluding Nic, and I found one true friend. They say the hurt of a break-up gets better over time, I must disagree. It's been over six months now, the pain is still great, but without God, I don't know how I would have made it this far. I'll go on with life and one day the pain will leave, but my love for him will always be there and somehow I will be a better person because of it. I will overcome this hurt, I will find happiness, and hopefully, I will find love. Life is a test, one that most can not over come. But I will, I will!

 

 

Well I called him today, all if well with him, and Life is going horrible, I feel like I can only turn to him for support, but I dont wanna burden him. Should I tell him about whats going on, I know he still cares, I just dont know if it makes me soujd like im despertae and I need him!! Please help me, and tell me whta you think of my writing above.

[BazookaMike]

Hmm... don't know what to say to all that, but I want to say somthing. The first thing that comes to mind is that he did a good job... heheh. But don't get me wrong. You see, I'd want a girl to feel that way about me. Being able to share actual meaningful life experiences, feelings. The things that help to definite who we are.

 

I wish I'll get the chance to make someone feel all of that too. I'm sorry that he just drifted away so it seems. But seriously I'm so happy for you, because guess what? You are continuing to grow. I also hope you will grow to learn how to use paragraphs from now on. Heheh... j/k But seriously, you've gone and found faith in God. You've got back on your feet and are discovering that you will continue to grow and learn experience even without Nic as an active guy in your life.

 

Unfortunately there's not a surplus of guys that actually want to listen, but that is what makes us so great. So I trust that he would be able to understand where you are coming from if you need some extra/outside support. But there is one thing you want that he can't give you. That being himself. He showed that, you already know that. So what more do you really need from him? He only puts extra stress in your life.

 

Its time to move on, you know this and you are doing a great so far. So keep growing and have faith in God, find faith in yourself. Was he into church? Because if you're like me you can take comfort that God really binds us all together.

 

That is what hurts about my recent break-up. She isn't following a true God. But he is there for her none the less. A female friend told me this, I guess WE have to let go, but we can still give them to God. Same with you. Thanks for the interesting read, I know you feel good about it too. It helps to put it all out there. Because we can look back and appreciate how much we've grown.

[EmptySoul]

the love you have for this guy is amazing and its great that you found god. also, ur writing is good. i know exactly how you feel, something like that happened to me, except i had to see the guy with his new beautiful, perfectly nice-but-not-too-nice-skinny-but-not-anorexic-skinny girlfriend. lol. believe me, it cut down on my self esteem and feelings of self worth majorly. see, the problem is, no matter how much you love someone, you CANT lose yourself in them. you still have to have your own friends (*if you fall in love and abandon your friends, then if/when your love hits a bump then where are you going to find a shoulder to cry on or a ear to listen?*) and your own personality. you have to learn to have confidence in yourself and your apperance whether you hear something good from a guy or not. guess what? that guy i mentioned...i was nice to his new gf, didnt mope around, didnt try to screw up his new relationship, and now hes spent the whole summer trying to get me back. just goes to show...love can find a way... 8) just be who u r, guy or not...hope i helped