My story, My heartbreak

[pacopaco]

First off, I'd like to thank everyone on this site. This is my first time posting, but I've read and read and read so many of your posts. It's comforting to know I'm not alone, hence the name of the site. This is my story:

 

I had a friend for three years. She and I had a bond untypical, total chemistry; thinking the same thoughts, finishing each others sentences. Slowly we became closer, and one night, a first kiss sparked the start of a seven year relationship. Love, caring, friendship; what a friendship we had. In the summer of 2004, we decided to move in together. We found a nice apartment near Downtown Los Angeles, and for the remainder of that year, it truly was magical.

2005 came but ended ubruptly and painfully. In November, she got a new high profile job at an architecture firm in Downtown L.A. seemed like a dream for her to be working less than ten miles from home. I was happy for her, and like I always have, I believed in her, and her work. In early December I decided that we should get her a new car. Even though she was less than ten miles away, she was working late hours, and I didn't want her driving her old beat up car that sometimes didn't want to start. I was in school, and I may not be able to get to her to help in the even the car died. Besides, she deserved a new ride. On New Years Eve She went snowboarding with a friend of hers (a female whom I know) and went missing for 36 hours! I was scared, and called her on her phone countless times just to get the voicemail. I was scared witless thinking she may have had an accident on the mountain, or worse. When finally she did call I asked her "are you ok?" she replied "yeah, we just got back, I'm at N's place, what's with all the calls?" I was puzzled and responded "oh, I was scared.. I thought you might have been hurt, I'm going to hang up and have a heart attack now." We hung up. When she came home, she dropped the bomb on me, saying she didn't want a boyfriend, and that she wanted to move out. I was thrown back, and I felt that I did something wrong by worrying about her have been missing so long. This was not typical of her. I asked her" what do you mean?" she had no explanation, really.

Come 2006, she began working later hours than before, coming home at 3am to get up at7am to go to work. Deadlines, she explained. She kept this up all month, pushing me away saying things to me like "I don't want to talk about it. We're not together anymore." "But we still live in the same house," I pleaded. I asked her if there was someone else, she said no. I cried, and wondered and was confused. "All I did was call you because I was worried," I tried to explain. To no avail.

January passed, and we came into February. Same attitude and behavior for her, going out to "happy hour" with the co-workers, working going out with the coworkers; same limbo for me. I asked again "is ther someone else?" she then confessed that there was someone she had a crush on, but assured me that she wasn't going to pursue it, because she works with him.. I tried to rationalize saying," these things happen. You see each other all day, and if it isn't serious, can you please come home if you don't need to be at work?" her response: I need to put myself first.

She had planned back in October a week long trip to Spain to visit her sister. I couldn't go, because school started the day we would have had to leave for the trip. She left for the week, and I was home alone, still confused, still in limbo.

When she returned, she went to work, and actually came home early, in a rush. I said "hey, you're home, shall I fix dinner? I'm making soup." She said to me "no, I'm going out with Mark for drinks." Mark is her boss."can I come?," I asked. "no," she said. " we're just going to talk about the job, he understands me." I asked her not to go. I knew what was coming. I said "can't you sit with me? Can't you have dinner with me, or watch TV? Can we talk?" Again, she said " I don't want a boyfriend. I know I'm hurting you, but I need to put myself first, right now." And away she went, in a hurry to meet Mark.

She didn't come home all night, and in fact, I drove to the bar where I knew they'd be. I didn't go in, because doing so, I felt, would have reinforced her behavior is saying "this is why I'm leaving you." I've never been jealous, and I've never followed her around to check up on her. Such was my confidence in our love. Somehow I regret not going in the bar, because when she came home the next morning I asked her "where did you sleep?" she said "Mark's house." Did you sleep with him?" I asked, already crying. She said "yes." She then started saying awful things like "I'm glad it happened, because now this is over." I asked her to leave the apartment that weekend. She complied.

As soon as this all happened, every week was a phone call or an unexpected visit. EVERY WEEK! She'd come around nonchalantly, like nothing happened. The voicemails were "hi, I'm just calling to see how you're doing." I ignored everything. NO CONTACT! She'd show up at the door. I didn't avoid her then. This kept up until her birthday in May when she showed up crying saying she was so sorry, and that she wants me back, even though she doesn't expect me to take her back. I told her I forgave her for sleeping with the guy, but that I didn't not trust her. She said she could not have me not trust her.

For three weeks, we decided to work on things. the funny thing is that we have such good communication, and it all felt as if it could be repaired, but then she backed out again, saying she didn't know where anything was going. I told her that we could not see, email, or call each other anymore. She agreed, but I don't really think she did. One thing she kept saying through everything was that she still wanted me in her life, but to what capacity? I told her it was unlikely. As I said, I forgave her for ruining our romantic relationship, but the way she treated me in January and February, I feel she killed our friendship, too. Friends don't push away friends unless you don't want to be friends anymore. It has been one month today that we have not spoken, or seen each other. I cried last night, as I think I'm falling out of love with her, though I'm not sure that that is the feeling. I don't know how to feel because we had such a good friendship. I do miss my best friend. 3year friendship+ 7 years love=down the drain...

 

I'm proud of myself for not having been a jerk with her, as i think she hurt herself more than she hurt me. as bad as the pain is.:splat:

 

i think right now, my head becaomes filled with questions like "does she miss me?" "will she figure it out?" i don't ever want to go through this again.

[Riggz41510]

I know that feeling you speak of. I was also on the receiving end of my girlfriend sleeping with another guy. Even though she never came out right and said it, I know it was going on on.. She also left me and then came back twice..

 

Its so hard to trust them again once this happens. For me I would always wonder what she was doing or, who she is with when she had an unaccounted for time.

 

If you let her come back it will be totrure.. You sound like a good guy and as hard as it may seem just stick with NC.. If you let her string you along she will. Stay strong

[Tigris]

I'm sorry she treated you this way.

 

You've progressed a little and as the days go by you'll do it more. It only takes time.

 

Good luck.

[BetterKarma]

Hi Pacopaco, welcome to enotalone!

 

I think you handled yourself very nicely and amicably. Your ex sounds very selfish and wants what she can't have. You were always ready and available to her which caused her to take you for granted. I'm glad to hear that you are sticking with NC and falling out of love with her. She's toxic for you. She didn't consider your feelings when she didn't want a boyfriend anymore. She should have moved out and lived her life the way she wanted to but instead she had her cake and eat it too. She went out and met with other guys and when she came home, she had you there too.

 

I'm very proud of you for not being a jerk to her too. I can't imagine how hard it probably was to still remain civil and nice to her after all that she put you through. I know I would have had a terrible time doing that.

 

I think you're doing the right thing and is on the road to recovery. It wasn't a complete waste of your time because you still have some fond memories of the relationship and i'm sure you learned a lot of life's lessons from it. Take it for what it is worth and move on. She's definitely not worth your time or energy.

 

Your emotions will go up and down like a yo-yo but be strong because it will get better with time. You'll find someone who will appreciate you and want to be with you no matter what happens.

[arwen]

I couldn't put it better than BetterKarma! You seem to have handled things really well, considering the circumstances. You even stayed with her for more than a year after she first started saying things like 'I don't want a boyfriend'. This is odd of her, the logical step would have been for her to move out and break up. Not to stay and say the same things a year or what later, cheat on you and THEN leave.

 

This tells me that she is scared of commitment, and in fact cheated on you on purpose so that you would break up with her, and not the other way around. It's a very rude thing to do, but I have seen it before You seem to be a very loving and caring person, and I am happy that you stick to NC. It's the best way to move on. Take care that ALL of her stuff goes to her new place, buy some nice new things for yourself, tell her that you wish no further contact as soon as the formalities are taken care of. Is the house on both of your names? I hope not. That would take some time to take care of, and in case it is also in her name, you'd better start changing that asap. The same for the car, of course.

 

You will feel better as time goes by, it's the biggest cliche on the forum, and also the biggest truth. It gets better than this. There are many girls who'd appreciate the love and care that you are capable to give.

 

Ilse

[pacopaco]

thanks for the responses. I had to be civil and nice to her. I needed to stay dignified, and the first thing I learned in all this is that I am a gentleman. I could have thrown her things out of the apartment if it had suited me, but i didn't. as she was coming around, i was civil asked what she was doing back and what not. no, I'm not a jerk. never have been, and she knows this. she said it. one time she was over she said "you're such an mazing person, you could have done so many mean things, and you would have had the right." my response was "it ain't me, babe." and it isn't.

I don't think she's afraid of commintment. she's afraid of intamacy. self-sabotage. who would throw away a nice apartment, a new car, a new job, and a life with a man who loves them? i tthought about it, and self-sabotage was the only think that makes sense to me.

[now_better]

people grow, people change. when my g/f and me were together in our earlier years, i think we were all we needed in the world. then they meet new friends, friends at work, and they change. they become disappointed that you're not "cool" like their new friends. they take you for granted. they lose respect for you, they cheat on you. you're just a dog they keep at home that they expect to always be there and we're just these dumb guys that expect we found our purpose in life, our partner for life.

 

you wonder what the point of the last X years was (5 for me)... was it a dream? did it really happen? did she ever love me? at what point did i become not good enough? so many tears...

 

sometimes i feel like i died inside. like there was this person who loved someone else and he died and who he loved died. i like to think i'm young at heart, innocent, optimistic, always see the good in people... but when something like this happens, it's like you died. will this new person be anything like before? will the scar be so deep that you can't be the same way?

 

you sound just like me. they were the ones that treated us like crap, but we're good people. we treat people like we want to be treated, we treat people the right way. but you know what? they didn't deserve us. if they can live their life and expect everybody to treat them like queens, let them keep dreaming. they'll learn soon enough that everything they wanted in life, they had it and they left it behind.

[yeawutever]

I'm sorry you went through that, but it's not your fault. That's her loss. One thing I do agree is you gusy weren't exclusive when she stated she didn't wanted a b/f and broke it off before sleeping with the other guy. However, it does sounds like the relation meant nothing to her and that she's afraid of commitment. Whatever the reason is, be strong and don't ever take her back again if she comes back, her loss.

[pacopaco]

After thinking. i don't think she was ever afraid of commitment. I think she was afraid of intimacy. we were together 7 years withought the stupidity or selfishness of cheating. when we bought the car in November, she immediately began saying to me that she'd pay me back the money i put down for the downpayment. I honestly think that she thought she didn't deserve a new car, that feeling bled into everything. she didn't deserve to live in a nice plae, and she didn't deserve me, so she went about screwing it all up. that's what i think anyway.

It's weird, i guess the feeling i have now is, after a while, do i contact her, and see if we can be friends? our foundation is in a beautiful friendship, but right now it feels like she ruined that too. I guess only time will say so.

[Rabican]

Doesnt sound like she has any respect for you, After all of that, not being honest with you etc. I would want nothing to do with her. Tell her to take a hike, not contact you ever.

 

Hard as it may be, Id have to say forget this girl, shes not the girl you thought she was.

[pacopaco]

Funny thing this. on friday I received an email from her. it wasn't personal but it was information about Mars and how close it will be in August. She knows i'm into Astronomy, and i guess that's shy she sent it. what i don't know is WHY DID SHE SEND IT? we agreed not to contact each other anymore. the email confused and brought back feelings. why did she send it? we've known each other for ten years, true. that's a lot of time invested in each other, but after what happened, i don't know. obviously, she's thinking of me, but the email made me scared. do i reply with a simple "thank you for the info," or do i just ignore it?

the last time she was coming around she was so fickle and backed out on me again in trying to work through what happened. why is she doing it again? is there an alterior motive? I don't know what to do. now my weekend is filled with thoughts and memories of how we lived and shared together. Although i've healed a great deal, I still have some hurt that i know i need to rid myself of before anything can happen, but my question is this: should anything happen? advice?

I don't know that she has no respect for me. actually, i think she respects me a lot. it isn't like we were together for a year. I know the family, they love me, and well, it's a strange place to be for me.](*,)

[theantibarbie23]

Ignore the e-mail. She's just fishing.

[pagan_unashamed]

Well Paco, I've read and reread this thread about ten times now, and I have a slightly different spin on your situation. First off, i totally agree with your assesment of her wanting to hurt herself/disrespect herself and not you. It's called a self-realizing prophesy: she believes she's not good enough for you, the house, the car, and so subconsciously sets out to prove it true. But more important than that motive, is the source of this...why? Why does she feel so worthless that she would ruin an amazing friendship and romance to hurt herself?

 

And perhaps I just have my rose-colored glasses on tonight, but is it possible that this e-mail is her proverbial olive branch? She may realize just how awful she has been, but A) doesn't know how to make amends with you and B) doesn't know where to begin repairing her own self-worth. I know that friends should never turn their back on you, I'm not disagreeing with you. But she needs a friend right now...someone who can believe in her when she can't even find faith in herself.

 

You've obviously held her in your heart for this long (or you wouldn't be here hurt, confused, and asking for help), don't give up now. She needs someone to care, to help her...and you're the one who said a friend shouldn't turn their back .

[pacopaco]

I had a similar thought about what you sai about the email. I responded saying only " thank you for the information," though it does confuse a little as to why she'd break the silence we agreed on. I have so much heart for this woman, true, but i'm scared too. i guess replying the way I did was the best i could do, seeing that there was nothing personal written in her email, either.

I don't know if the email meant she wanted to talk, or as someone put it, if she's just fishing. what does that mean, anyway?

I know she hurt herself more than she hurt me. That much is true, and i wouldn't turn my back on her, if it were real. but i'm so defensive when even thinking about her.](*,)

[theantibarbie23]

You've obviously held her in your heart for this long (or you wouldn't be here hurt, confused, and asking for help), don't give up now. She needs someone to care, to help her...and you're the one who said a friend shouldn't turn their back .

That's absurd. It is not healthy for a person who hasn't even healed from the relationship to risk causing himself further emotional damage by overextending himself as a friend because SHE is hurting. I'm sure she has family or friends, let them help her sort through her crap. He owes her nothing, least of all his friendship. He needs to heal before even thinking of talking to her again for the sake of self-preservation.

[theantibarbie23]

I don't know if the email meant she wanted to talk, or as someone put it, if she's just fishing. what does that mean, anyway?

Means she's looking to bait you into responding to her. Don't. She's feeling you out to see how serious you are about this NC stuff.

[pacopaco]

again, what does it all mean? I feel dumb, kind of lost. What does it matter if i'm serious or not about the NC thing? to her anyway, why should it matter? what's the motive? i think i'm thinking too deep into it. that email she sent Friday wasn't really personal, it was just some Astronomy info. I actually thought it was a group email, but it wasn't.](*,)

[theantibarbie23]

again, what does it all mean? I feel dumb, kind of lost. What does it matter if i'm serious or not about the NC thing? to her anyway, why should it matter? what's the motive? i think i'm thinking too deep into it. that email she sent Friday wasn't really personal, it was just some Astronomy info. I actually thought it was a group email, but it wasn't.](*,)

 

The possible motives:

1.) It's to see if she can open the lines of communication without being blatantly obvious about it

 

or

 

2.) it's a way of seeing if you are really serious about not having contact with her and if she can manipulate you into talking with her again.

 

In any case, keep up the good work with NC but it may be best to block her e-mails right now or have them redirected into a bulk folder or something until they don't eat away at you like this.

[pacopaco]

I spoke to a friend, and he tolm " Be ready to get get emai messages from her for years. the fact is, you left an impression on her. that's why she sent you something to do withAstronomy. As impersonal as it was, the fact that she sent it is personal. she got your softspot."

I think it's true. it's weird, but she is the one person who scares me. I feel that if ever i spoke to her or saw her, she'd do or say something just to hurt me. it sucks because we were in love for so long and that's how i feel.

I wish i hadn't left an impression, and that she wasn't thinking of me. That's the essense of what cheating is, to the person cheated on. She wasn't thinking of me, when she did it, why is she thinking of me now? I wish she'd stick to that feeling, and not email. Still, I'm doing with keeping up with the NC.

[voltaire]

Strange, but what you said there "it's weird, but she is the one person who scares me. I feel that if ever i spoke to her or saw her, she'd do or say something just to hurt me." is exactly how I feel about my first wife. She also cheated (although to be fair to her she thought she was leaving me permanently at the time) and then tried to come back, but I wouldn't go for it. She's a completely weak and non-violent person, but she frightens me, as there has always been a recklessness in her behaviour. I have only seen her once in the last 27 years, and that was once too often.

[pacopaco]

wow voltaire! is she still trying to get back with you after 27 years? man, that's gotta be weird.

I the i say it now, i was also dealing with a weak, insecure person. I figure, she got so scared that we were actually going some place together, what with a new car, apartment together, that she saw nothing to do but throw it all awat. Yeah, she scares me, and i'm not usually frightened of people, but this one-I'd rather be far away and separated from her.

[voltaire]

No she's not trying to get back with me. in fact i haven't seen her since about 1994 - and prior to that it was 1979. Not long after our meeting in 1994 she asked me to pay a £350 debt for her, which out of some misguided sense of guilt I did. She never even thanked me, but about a year later wrote again this time demanding £1200 and telling me she could be sent to prison otherwise. She wasn't, although she had committed fraud. I declined to give her anything, as her irresponsibility had always been limitless. Following this she spends quite a lot of time telling everyone how much she hates me. Fortunately we don't live in the same country.

[pacopaco]

that's just madness, voltaire. man, I hope i'm not dealing with things (her) for that long. i'm healing, slowly, but i'm getting there, and man, it just sounds insane that after 27 years, she'd still want to be around you, even if it is just to be up to no good. talk about toxic!

[jaded4x5]

well here I go I will make this as short as posible....Ex and I broke up last summer ....I became a freak ,stalker, nut case,,, he saw some one else.. any way we got back together last August everything was going good until people who knew me & him became involved with our relationship,, They would start trouble between us but would only say things to me .. I tried to blow it off but finally insecurities started to get the best of me and I became exactly how I was in the past a freak nut insecure etc.. Anyway he has trust issues with me as well, I broke up with him yrs ago and he never lets me forget I was with someone else.. we are in a horrible circle he reacts badly to me out of hurt I react like a psycho out of fear he start fooling around .I need to break this cycle .he knows how I get so he feels secure enough to tell me to screw ,, How can I change my behavoir to realize I'm tired of these games! I want a happy secure relationship ,,,I love him to death but I feel we both are in destructive patterns,,, He is also the type that nc will make him think I am fooling around ,,, which will further piss him off even though he tells me to date,,, its his game actually I'm playing it with him.. I need help . How do I make him see I only want to feel secure .. P.s when we got back together I moved in a house RIGHT behind him on the same property I dont want to move I made a home here,, His family owns the property and they said they dont want me to move,,,, Also he Loves sport fishing,, his brother and him own the boat together...His brother took the month off of August to go fishing every day so lately he has been staying down the marina to asleep on the boat ...my insecurities and trust issues are a big problem](*,)

[voltaire]

Pacopaco - well I very much doubt if you'll have the same problems with your ex. In our case we had two kids, otherwise believe me she wouldn't have even heard of me. She was a twisted person, and everyone warned me when I got involved with her, but of course I wouldn't listen. She likes to cause destruction and does so in the lives of anyone near her, but after what happened back in 95 believe me I would never agree even to meet her again. Luckily for me my kids take my side in this.

 

jaded4x5 - I think you should try and get counselling. This kind of insecurity actually CAN be overcome, and it's not that uncommon. See if you can find anything on sites on the internet - try typing in 'excessive jealousy' or 'excessive possessiveness'. But remember this trait is a relationship destroyer ultimately.