arranged marriages - what do you guys think of it??

[lilac_indi]

heya,

im just wanting to know what people think of arranged marriages. being from an indian community it is expected of me to have one but i dont believe in it. obviously i have proved that by dating someone (who turned out to be a tosser) and just the whole concept of it - i dont want one period. i am too scared to tell my family though cause i have already disappointed them by breaking the norms of dating someone and especially dating someone outside my religion. my parents are telling me i am too 'westernised' and are telling me to stop acting white. well what do you expect when you are gonna bring me up in a western country - obviously i am gonna adopt at least some of their values lol. i am stumped - it sucks being stuck between 2 cultures.

[nottoogreen]

Hi lilac_indi,

 

Edited wrt post by paisley: I take arranged as "decided by relatives (parents) and without consent or emotional involvement by at least one of the spouses". Example: I had a gf in Hong Kong who was to be married to a 2nd cousin on the mainland whom she never had met...

 

50 or 100 years ago in UK OK.

 

25 years ago in India or Asia OK.

 

Today: No way, it will not work among educated people.

 

Be strong. Look for a positive capable man who loves, respects and cares about you.

 

Nothing else will do.

 

Given time, your parents will come around.

 

We always can help you here and provide moral backup.

[justpaisley]

I think they can work. Marriages are legal partnerships - a business, if you will - just as much as they are romantic partnerships. If a successful legal partnership can be achieved through successful romantic partnership, then I suppose the inverse can also be true.

 

I'm not sure arranged marriages would work for someone that's against them, though, as it seems you are, because that person will go into the marriage with their preconceived notions surrounding them. If you set yourself up to not be happy, you won't be happy.

 

You have my sympathies. I don't know what it's like to be stuck between two cultures. I don't have any specific advice for you, but at least I answered your question.

[celticghirl]

wow that sounds like a difficult onee but if you are against it then i think you should speak out about it. talk to your parents in a calm manner and am sure they will understand.

[lilac_indi]

well i thought that being the 21st century some things would change at least. i dont believe in the whole concept of it at all. my mum keeps telling people to look for a boy for me - sometimes she does it for a joke but it angers me and freaks the living daylights out of me. i have to stay silent though cause i was in the wrong for doing the dating thing cause 'indian girls dont do that'. its unbelievable, i got called a b***h for dating my ex and my mum compared me to a prostitute.

 

its either their way or the high way and i am terrified.

[nottoogreen]

well i thought that being the 21st century some things would change at least. i dont believe in the whole concept of it at all. my mum keeps telling people to look for a boy for me - sometimes she does it for a joke but it angers me and freaks the living daylights out of me. i have to stay silent though cause i was in the wrong for doing the dating thing cause 'indian girls dont do that'. its unbelievable, i got called a b***h for dating my ex and my mum compared me to a prostitute.

 

its either their way or the high way and i am terrified.

Your mom is obsolete, sorry.

 

Your life counts.

[lilac_indi]

i agree nottoogreen but my opinions dont count and i cant say anything. i just smile and nod and inside i am crying. my sisters all have had arranged marriages but that is cause they wanted one but i dont - and this will be used against me. none of my sisters will support me cause they all turned against me when i started dating my ex.

[Day_Walker]

I think that arranged marriages can work but the problem is the westernized countries an arranged marriage is not a cultural norm and more emphasis is placed on finding your partner. It can be frustrating if you arent allowed to choose who you want to marry. This is a choice you will have to make if you want to continue with the western cultural norm or if you want to take the approach your parents want.

[lilac_indi]

its not a case of jealousy, i guess its because i am not following the norms of our society and they cant take it. the thing is my mum especially cares too much about what other people will think. obviously my views are unorthodox and if i do happen to start dating people and especially one outside my culture then people in our society will talk but i feel that it doesnt matter cause people will talk no matter what you do - thats what they do to pass time and cause they dont have a life.

 

it sickens me when my mum talks about other people's daughters when they do something which is not the norm - i just hate the fact that my mum is soo judgemental and that she wont move on with the times. me and her clash all the time and we dont get on one bit.

[Confessoress]

*sigh* lilac_indi, I feel for you. My BF is Brit Indian. I'm white. His sister and brother have had an arranged marriage, he doesn't want one. They'd be much happier if he had one. They don't know about me.

 

I think you have to do what is right for you. Your parents won't be around forever. You'll be the one living the rest of your life, not them.

 

Arranged marriages can work, but only if you want one.

[agent1607307371]

I think that arranged marriages can work as sometimes people can have a very good handle on the type of person who would work well with us.

 

That is, if they are looking out for a good partner for us, as opposed to someone who would look good as part of the family.

 

Is there no way you and your parents can find a happy medium - them looking but you having the final say?

 

A forced marriage is something I find absolutely reprehensible though.

[lilac_indi]

i do get to have the final say in the thing but i still dont feel comfortable with it. the fact that i have been told that this is the only way, it feels like a noose around my neck. i am scared to fall in love cause i know my family wont approve but the whole marry the guy and then fall in love with him - not feeling that at all...and i suppose i fear that if i dont like him after marriage i am pretty much stuck with him cause divorce is a big taboo. i am getting the shivers just typing this lol.

[lilac_indi]

confessoress - has your bf talked to his family about not wanting an arranged and stuff?? if his family are pretty conservative then it may cause problems. when ma family found out about me and my ex a lot of heavy things went down. i hope the same doesnt happen to you.

[Confessoress]

lilac, it sounds like you've been through a lot. Honestly if you don't want one please don't. I can imagine what problems that will cause but only you have the rest of your life to live, as I say they won't be around forever. You have to do what makes you happy.

 

It really gets me mad that Indian families migrate here and then don't intergrate into the culture. I lived in Asia 3 years and I adjusted to the culture. I certainly won't say to my kids if I lived there "Hey you can't date a local person. No no they have to be white and British". It's so terribley unfair to the children.

 

My boyfriend has told me he's told them he doesn't want to have an arranged marriage. His ex was white and hell she even lived with them. But they won't put up with it again. I think that has made his family less tolerate to a girl outside of Indian culture.

[lilac_indi]

confessoress, if your bf is genuine and willing to stand by you then you have nothing to worry about and it seems to me like he is as he has made his feelings clear to his family. good for you.

 

yeah i know what you mean about the whole migration thing and i can understand that although you move to a different country you will have some values which you will take with you. however i feel that is unfair to force that on the kids who will already be under the pressure to accept the norms of the country that they are living in.

 

i am very liberal and i wont pressure my kids to accept the norms with the 'you have to have an arranged marriage or else' thing. i just cant decide what i want more - my freedom or my family cause it is unlikely that i will get both....

[Fivek]

If you don't get to have the final say in matters then your parents are truly beyond tradition; they are authoritarian.

 

I'm indian, and my parents had what you would call an arranged marriage. I asked my mother about it and what her parents did was introduce her to my father. After awhile they got to know each other and then if they alright with each other, they were to be married. In the end, both she and my father had the final say in it. This sounds much more like a forced marriage to me, and it's probably because your mum is holding onto values that are skewing her vision of what she should be looking for: your interests.

[lilac_indi]

hey fivek, i wouldnt say that this is forced cause with ma sisters, they all got to know their partners a bit and then they got to have the final say in it. the fact that i dont want this is doesnt seem to get through to ma mum at all. whenever i say i dont believe in it or whatever, its in one ear and out the other with her.

 

what about you fivek? are your parents cool with you dating and stuff or are they the conservative type?

[Fivek]

My parents are extraordinarily liberal. My mother is open to it and my father has more of a hands-off approach to most social aspects of my life. Like every other indian parent, though, they do constantly remind me that my education should always come first.

[lilac_indi]

that is very good that your parens are liberal - and yeah ma parents are all for the education thing as well. me and my mum dont see eye to eye on much to be honest with you and i dont think she can handle that i am different from my other siblings.

[Fivek]

I have a good friend who is in a similar predicament as you: his mom is very stuck on old values and doesn't understand his attraction to white women. He solved the problem simply by circumventing them; his parents were either forced to accept it, or to watch him live his own life without them in it.

[lilac_indi]

wow that is pretty full on. but see i think guys have that little bit easier than girls. i think guys do tend to be in a bit of a better position. obv they dont escape the taunts either but they dont get it as bad. you should read my threads about what i went through with my family and my ex - pretty full on.

[jades77]

lilac - personally, i dont think there is anything wrong with arranged marriages. In fact, just based on statistics, they work better at times as compared to love marriages. What do u think is wrong if your mom brings a proposal and you get time to meet the guy and decide if u want to take this forward or not? Why cant u treat this as just another medium through which u are getting to know more people, just like you do thru any singles dating websites or clubs? If you indeed have a final say, i am sure you can spend sometime with this person and figure out if it can lead somewhere...

 

Does your mom give u this much freedom to choose? You could always refuse if u dont feel anything. Noone can force you. However, who knows, u may find the match u are looking for in the people your mom finds for you. So why be so prejudiced that its wrong or bad?

[lilac_indi]

dunno...maybe cos ive seen many arranged marriages go horribly wrong - i know its wrong of me to generalise this way but i honestly cannot see myself going through one though. im not sure what i will do.

[pchellak]

I see so much bashing against arranged marriages in this forum, i think it is unfair. I am from the East but I have lived in the US for the past 8 years. I also come from a culture where arranged marriage has been the norm even in the 21st century. I know it is an old system but i dont think it's not all that bad if practiced properly. Even in the west with the dating system, if you look around you will notice most couples marry within their own race. Why is that? i dont think its racism but i think its mostly because you tend to have more in common with each other when you are from the same culture. I think dating has its disadvantages also; you may tend to have emotional baggage from prior relationships. Maybe even have residual feelings from these relationships. For a person like me in the west, i dont necessarily have much in common with an american girl. I have tried it for a while and realized my pool of potential partners is very limited. Also, as a foreigner i have realized most americans are xenophobic when it comes to relationships. So what do i do?

 

I opted for an arranged marriage about a year ago. I got introduced to a few girls back home and abroad by relatives and friends. I spoke and even met a few of them. Most of them did not work out for various reasons either from my end or the other. I was finally introduced to a girl by another relative last year. I spoke with her from the US and we got quite close. I met her while i was there in my home country earlier this year and spent some time with her. After i returned back, We continued to talk quite regularly. After a few months we both decided to get married to each other. Now, Whats wrong with this system ('arranged marriage')?

[ghost69]

i think arranged marriages are a thing of the past...unless u are in a small remote tribe.