Should i marry her?

[Hope75]

It's really very sad that she is as selfish as she is. I wonder what she might think when she is 80 and very ill and her children turn around and tell her she is on her own.

 

Our parents raise us, love us, educate us, give us guidance, and support us well into adulthood and then some. When the tables turn and we need to care for them, well that's just part of the cycle of life.

 

My father was very ill last year and went through alot of health problems, he nearly died. My bf was right by my side, supporting me and my family through the crisis. Thankfully, Dad pulled through and is doing very well now. I'd have to say that if my bf forced me to choose between him and my parents, well there would be no contest. I think you can guess which oldsters I would choose.

 

This girl is manipulating you all over the place. Let her go. She does not love you-- someone who did would never behave that way.

[jades77]

Thank you for all the response. I dont think i have received such a support from any of my friends as much as i have from all of you. You have certainly helped me strenghten my thoughts and decisions. I have finally told her that i cannot marry her and move with her if she is not even flexible to consider coming back at a later point of time for my family. She stuck to her ground and said she wont want to come back at all, so i had no option but to let her go. She is anyway engaged to this guy now and may get married next week. I guess its all over now.

[voltaire]

Two points. First she is not being honest when she says that the breakdown of your feelings for each other are your fault. We must all take responsibility for our own feelings, and she must certainly take responsibility for the inflexible conditions she laid down. Second - you're 29 and you're frightened of not loving someone else? You make it sound as though your life expectancy is about 35. You have SO much time, please don't waste it in pointless regrets about a relationship which everyone seems to think you'll be better off without.

[kellbell]

Jades,

 

I know you are hurting so much right now and things look very bleak. But I can assure you, you made the right decision. Really you did. Keep posting here whenever you need us. We are here to listen. You definitely just prevented yourself from making the biggest mistake of your life.

 

Hang in there.

[Hope75]

Hey Jades,

 

 

I'm glad you felt supported here, that is what we are here for. I think that you knew the truth in your head and heart all along, you just needed some support to know that it WAS the right choice, and that there is plenty of hope for you to meet someone in your future who will treat you with the love and respect that you deserve. Now, you are giving yourself the chance to meet her.

 

I hope you will come back and update us from time to time, and please do return for support and just for someone to listen. That is what we are here for. I'm proud of you that you stuck up for yourself.

 

((HUGS))

[flower99]

Thank you for all the response. I dont think i have received such a support from any of my friends as much as i have from all of you. You have certainly helped me strenghten my thoughts and decisions. I have finally told her that i cannot marry her and move with her if she is not even flexible to consider coming back at a later point of time for my family. She stuck to her ground and said she wont want to come back at all, so i had no option but to let her go. She is anyway engaged to this guy now and may get married next week. I guess its all over now.

 

 

You told her? Good for you. That must have been hard, but trust you made the right choice. You would have always been second to her career.

I promise you there is someone out there who is much more suited for you, someone that loves you more than thier career who shares the same values & priorities as you. Keep your chin up. And believe that there is so much more out there for you.

best wishes

[jades77]

Yes, I told her, though i had to do it with a really heavy heart. She said then that it was me who was making the choices and she was agreeing to it. Somehow she tried to put it all back on me to say...thats its because of me. She said "You want me to leave everything i have to come and take care of you and your family's happiness? I cant do that. This is what you want, you made the choice and i agreed".

 

She agreed to marry this guy because he loves her too, and she thinks he loved her more unconditionally than i did. Anyway, i finally had to hang up after saying good bye...Maybe i have done the right thing, but i still feel so lonely all of a sudden....not that she was next to me all these years, but somehow it feels so weird...but she says she still loves me. How can she love me but get married to someone else because he loves her more?

[flower99]

That's a good question. Personally i couldn't. And it sounds like you couldn't either. Maybe that's your confirmation that you guys never really saw marriage & love the same. And you guys obviously want different things. She just wanted a compaion, someone to love her. Does she love him? how you can you marry someone you don't love? personally I think if she's not marrying him for the right reasons, she won't be happy either.

I truly believe you wouldn't have been happy had you gone with her. I know you feel alone & it's a weird freeling, but it will fade with time. Stay strong & know that this happened for a reason.

She isn't the right one for you, that means someone else is

[Hope75]

...but she says she still loves me. How can she love me but get married to someone else because he loves her more?

 

Here's the thing about that. I know that I could never marry someone else if I were really in love with another person. Any of my female friends I posed this question to said the same thing, "No Way."

 

I don't honestly believe she does love you, at least not in the normal, healthy way a person would in order to live in a commited, compromised relationship. I believe she only loves herself.

[flower99]

Here's the thing about that. I know that I could never marry someone else if I were really in love with another person. Any of my female friends I posed this question to said the same thing, "No Way."

 

I don't honestly believe she does love you, at least not in the normal, healthy way a person would in order to live in a commited, compromised relationship. I believe she only loves herself.

 

yep loves herself that's forsure.

[jades77]

What makes u so sure that she loves herself more than me? Is it because she wants to pursue her career than be with me? I really think there are a few reasons why she is doing that. In the past, over three years ago, there were instances when she postponed her plans to pursue her studies just so that she could be with me. I guess i never really noticed it which has made her very angry about the whole thing. This time for sure she has said that she wont give this for me. She says she has done enough. In her own words..."I have done enough for you, go find yourself someone who can do half of what i did!"

[flower99]

What makes u so sure that she loves herself more than me? Is it because she wants to pursue her career than be with me? I really think there are a few reasons why she is doing that. In the past, over three years ago, there were instances when she postponed her plans to pursue her studies just so that she could be with me. I guess i never really noticed it which has made her very angry about the whole thing. This time for sure she has said that she wont give this for me. She says she has done enough. In her own words..."I have done enough for you, go find yourself someone who can do half of what i did!"

 

oh she had already put off plans to be with you, that's sweet (: I guess future living arrangements weren't agreed upon. and bitterness grew, sorry about that.

I'm not sure about more than you. but I am sure she loves herself - which is good,until it's selfish behavoir. She puts her career (money) before you & your family. it's her way or not at all, no half way. She just wants to be married (not sure why) so much that she will marry someone she doesn't love. Which is incredibly selfish, why would you do that? imagine the other guy feelings. as well as it lessens the sanctity of marriage.

I dont' know her so i can't say more than that, but those are the points that screams selfish to me

[Hope75]

What makes u so sure that she loves herself more than me? Is it because she wants to pursue her career than be with me?

Because there are ways to pursue what you want, and also meet the needs of your relationship. It's called COMPROMISE... something your ex was completely unwilling to do. Your request for her to as least CONSIDER moving back should your ailing parents need support and assistance was NOT unreasonable, and yet, she was completely unwilling to even consider it because it would interfere with HER plans. Who was she thinking about here? Your parents? You? or herself?

 

She put herself first- SHE wanted to get married. To you, to the other guy, who- ever. It was about wanting to get married, NOT about sharing a loving, respectful lifetime of commitment with someone who she loved. You were interchangable as a HUSBAND with this other guy. Who was she thinking about first here? You? The other guy? Or herself? You got it, friend.

 

She wanted to move to pursue a career. She gave you an ultimatum- move with me or I'm marrying someone else and moving anyway. What kind of a person who really loves you does that? Who was she thinking about more? You? or herself?

 

I'm sorry friend, I know how tough this has been on you, but I hope you can see past your feelings for her and see what I see, and what other posters have mentioned that they have seen too. You made the right choice here- you deserve more.

 

In real love and compromise there is no "payback time". It's more about the good for the couple, the union, and each other.

[VeganBohemian]

Is there any way your parents can move to Europe with both of you? Also, why does she want to move so far away?