Did I mess things up by announcing NC?

[blindreepr]

Well, I officially started NC yesterday, here is my basic backstory for those of you who havent been reading my posts:

 

My ex broke up with me about 6 weeks ago. There was another guy, she wasn't happy, needed to work on herself, etc. The first week I was a sobbing, hysterical mess. I did the same thing as everyone else, begging, pleading, bargaining, gift giving, etc. None of it worked ofcourse. Over the next 3 weeks we kept at LC out of neccesity since we were cleaning up the house we shared together before the lease was up. The last 2 times were different though, I was happy, agreed with the breakup, confident, funny, etc. After we cleaned up the house I went NC for about 10 days, till she broke it. She called 3-4 times and tried to readd me as a friend on myspace.

 

I finally returned her call 2 days later, told her I have been busy, not ignoring her and before I could go she started asking me what I have been doing, how I am etc. I ended the call after giving her generic answers. A week goes by and I unblock her from AIM, as soon as I do that she IM's me, saying she was going to invite me over but that her pool is still dirty and I respond by saying that I really didnt have time to come over that day anyways. She was upset, saying "what else is new?"

 

I started to feel bad so I gave her a call when I had a couple extra minutes and she immediately invited me over. I told her I was short on time but I had 15 minutes so we could stop at Jamba juice real quick. Our meeting was short and fun, she was definitely impressed by the six pack that was starting to form, and even tried grabbing at it. I ended the meeting after about 10 minutes saying that I was running late and when I dropped her off she gave me a kiss on the cheek. This was two days ago.

 

Yesterday I realized that I am not fully over her, so I sent her a letter telling her basically that I needed time to work on myself, and that I would appreciate it if she did not contact me until I contacted her unless it was something VERY important. I told her that although I had definitely grown in these past 6 weeks (she has commented on how much I have changed for the better) that I was not happy with where I was at yet, and that I thought being friends with her was holding me back. That whenever I was doing stuff that I enjoyed doing, going to concerts, art museums, yosemite, the beach, etc that I felt like something was missing because I know how much she would enjoy doing all that stuff (that also served to reinforce the fact that she does not do these activities with her friends, it is something that we shared as most people where we are from do not have a broad set of interests and just plain never leave the county at all). I told her that I know we will still be friends because of our shared interests but for now it was best that we did not speak.

 

I realize that NC is probably the best thing for the both of us right now. It will give me the oppurtunity to heal, and to enjoy myself again without needing to have a buddy or girlfriend to accompany me. And HOPEFULLY it will make her realize what she is giving up. I think that things between us definitely ended on a good note, so hopefully she will miss me even more than she would have if I started NC earlier. Though was announcing NC a mistake? Or was it the only way to make her realize that I am REALLY gone, and that I am not answering her phone calls because I dont want to, not because I'm a jerk that is ignoring her.

 

 

NC will definitely be hard, yesterday was the first day I have cried in 5 weeks. Did I do the right thing? Or did I throw away what little of a chance I had to get back with her by cutting her off? Maybe I am increasing my chances at getting back with her by giving her a chance to REALLY miss me, instead of sorta missing me like she was before hand, but not missing me enough to get back with me. I don't know, I just know that I need encouragement right now as this will probably be the hardest thing I have done in a long time.

[satinblack]

sounds to me like shes already trying or tried to get back with you.

 

that stomach grabbing thing is a definate giveaway in my opinion.

[blindreepr]

sounds to me like shes already trying or tried to get back with you.

 

that stomach grabbing thing is a definate giveaway in my opinion.

 

That's where I was torn, there is a big difference between being a flirtatious friend and wanting to commit to someone who you told wouldn't have another chance with you for a good 3-5 years.

 

If she really did want to get back with me, wouldn't me pulling away (in theory) make her push towards me even more? Unless she just wanted to be friends, then she would respect my decision and leave me alone until I contacted her.

[Hope75]

Hey There BR,

 

I don't think you've made an error. Your ex sounds as though she has alot to think about and was pretty confused when you broke up, especially considering there is another guy in the picture.

 

For yourself, the best thing you can do is to go NC and try your best to move on. You are right, she will now realize the full consequence of her choice to break up. This means you are out of her life, and not there as some sort of liferaft when she needs a boost.

 

Hang in there friend, you are doing the right thing.

[blindreepr]

Hey There BR,

 

I don't think you've made an error. Your ex sounds as though she has alot to think about and was pretty confused when you broke up, especially considering there is another guy in the picture.

 

For yourself, the best thing you can do is to go NC and try your best to move on. You are right, she will now realize the full consequence of her choice to break up. This means you are out of her life, and not there as some sort of liferaft when she needs a boost.

 

Hang in there friend, you are doing the right thing.

 

thanks, that is what definitely what I needed to hear

[heloladies21]

Announcing NC is actually necessary to clear up any misunderstandings. If you just did it without announcing it, she would just think you're mad at her and have no idea why.

 

She knows where you stand now and this is exactly where you want to leave it.

[blindreepr]

Do you guys think that starting NC after us seemingly getting along so well will maybe work to my advantage? Because now her last memories of me are atleast good ones, she saw that I was improving myself, and I was better looking, happy, etc? Leaving a last good impression and all? Maybe this took the rug out from under her feet so to speak because we seemed to be getting along, and then I decided I couldnt handle it?

[Hope75]

Hey there,

 

The purpose of NC isn't really to "get someone back", or "get their attention", but it is more for you so that you can let go of the past, or the uncertainty, and try to move forward in your own life and heal. By keeping in contact with her you just keep your wounds open and festering.... stagnating yourself there and making it impossible to heal and get on with things.

 

At this point your focus should not be on what effect if has on her. She made her choice when she broke up with you, started seeing another guy, and jerked you all over the place. That is not fair, and you did the right thing by removing yourself from the situation so she could not hurt you anymore.

[blindreepr]

It seemed like everything was going fine until the day I decided to start NC, that is when relapse hit me like a Mack truck. I cant help but think about her no matter how hard I try. I feel like I am back to being depressed all over again. I just hope that along with getting myself back, that there will be a happy side effect to that as well. She didnt reply to my request for no contact, I am assuming because she was hurt by it and cause she cares enough for me as a friend to comply with it.....I dont know. Just a week ago we had plans to hang out and watch a movie and now I have decided to completely cut her out of my life. Part of me is thinking that if I can ever contact her again, she will be too upset and hurt to talk to me since I made that decision. But then another part of me thinks that I wont ever want to talk to her again. And another part of me thinks that she will end up trying to break NC because she will realize what she is missing. Im all the over the place right now and it sucks.

[6dalia]

WOW...I am amazed to see how many men are feeling , what I am feeling, I have been reading so many books lately about how to get your ex , reverse your break-up etc...etc...and it sound like they are writting for women only, I am new here since yesterday ...and I start to realise men have feeling too...(i am please to see there are good men too)

[blemished]

Dalia-- where are all these men in real life? I keep wondering myself! MY ex's don't seem bothered at all by the break-up. It's always me left crying my eyes out and having my life disrupted for 6 months until I feel "normal" again.

 

Anyway, to the OP-- you are feeling worse now naturally because now you have started on the process of accepting she is really gone. Before it was like a "pseudo" break-up, where she wasn't entirely out of your life. For someone to get over someone else they genuinely love, in my opinion, they need to not have that person anywhere near them or in contact, until they've healed, and sometimes even then it is hard unless the heartbroken person has fallen in love with someone else by then.

 

Fact of the matter is, you are right to implement NC. You might want to tell her, "This is for me, but if you decide you would like to discuss our relationship, I am open to talking about it." (not now, but later, after you've both had time to think)

[NCTuskie]

Some of us are around

[mikeca]

were a dying breed.

[blindreepr]

ugh, i want so badly to break NC right now, LC wasnt as hard because I knew she would call. Now that I am doing NC and told her not to call or contact me unless it was important it feels like she will never call and that she will either forget me or hate me for pushing her out of my life even though i told her i wanted to be friends again at one point.

 

i hate this!

[mikeca]

I'd like to say it gets easier my friend, but all we can do is give them the space they need to clear their head and think.

[Hope75]

ugh, i want so badly to break NC right now, LC wasnt as hard because I knew she would call. Now that I am doing NC and told her not to call or contact me unless it was important it feels like she will never call and that she will either forget me or hate me for pushing her out of my life even though i told her i wanted to be friends again at one point.

 

i hate this!

 

Hang in there friend.

 

This what sticking to your guns is all about.

 

It doesn't mean she will come back, but it does mean that with time and patience, you will feel stronger and be able to move on. She can't have it both ways, unless you let her.

[blindreepr]

I cant and wont break NC, the only thing that will come from it is hurt and a friendship that I dont want. I just hate having all these nagging doubts about the decision I made. I read threads that say just do NC, dont tell them. But when I did that all it did was make her irritated with me. Then some people say tell them you are going to do NC. I just dont know what to think anymore. I know it doesnt matter, since I already told her not to contact me, and now I need to stick with it, because if I dont I will only look like I cant stick to my word. If I break NC now I will look even more needy than someone who asked for NC in the first place.

[blindreepr]

she just replied to my closure letter saying

 

" Ok. I understand. Best Of luck. I mean it. Be the best.

love, Boof" (boof was my pet name for her)

 

I couldnt help but reply thanking her for understanding and that we will talk soon because once I set my mind to something that I usually get it done quick and I added that I cant wait for her to meet the new and improved me.

 

NC officially starts now

[boybornbad]

Hey there,

 

The purpose of NC isn't really to "get someone back", or "get their attention", QUOTE].....

hope75. That post was really good advice.

 

The NC is about you giving yourself a chance to get over her which you will never do if you're constantly in contact. Seeing her makes the wound a bleeding ulcer and prolongs the pain. She might want you back but she'll need her space to to work this out. If you rush back into it, it could be wrong and she could dump you all over again. it happened to me and think how you'll feel then. Best way to get over one woman is to get on top of another one lol. Sorry to be crude but its the truest thing ever said.

[blindreepr]

its been 3 days of NC so far and I feel like she is just going to forget me or hate me for doing NC. I know neither of these makes much sense, since she was the one initiating all contact the 2 weeks before NC. I am trying to move on and heal, trying not to plan when to break NC is hard, but slowly I am realizing if I keep on thinking about when I am going to break NC and how I am going to do it, I am never going to concentrate on myself and that is what I NEED to be doing.

[Hope75]

If she hates you or forgets you for trying to take care of yourself, heal, and have some consistancy in your life than she is not a person that you want in your life anyway.

 

BR, she was not treating you fairly, and it's not OK to drag a person back and forth like that and play with their feelings until she gets her own head screwed on straight.

 

You wouldn't treat someone you loved like that....

[blindreepr]

you're right, and i think by the time NC has worked its magic with me, I wont even want to make contact with her, or even think about getting back with her for that matter