Worst day of my life...

[feelin_blue]

I can't believe that I'm actualy writing in a break up forum. The thing is I have been going out with my boyfriend for over four years. He was my first everything, first (proper) boyfriend, first time with sex, first love. And It was big love. Still is with me... We have always been a very temperamental couple arguing and stuff but hand in hand with that we have always been loving and affectionate too. More so with my boyfriend towards me. He was very romantic, showered me with little gifts and went crazy at christmas with presents and stuff. More than that though we were best friends, we could go anywhere and have a great time, he got on great with my family...he was part of the family. Sure we went through some pretty rough times together but we got through them thats just what we did. Deal with it and then move on. The arguments got more frequent latley although they were more niggly than serious. I know that when you start to niggle at each other theres usually underlying problems, so I tried to get my b/f to open up tell me what was on his mind. Every time he was like "don't be silly, were fine I love you" And we'd carry on as normal. He started getting more and more distant and I admit I pressed him to try and find out what was wrong. This seemed to completely p him off till I couldnt get him to answer the phone to me (this was all within the space of a week) then last week when we were talking things over like a bolt out of the blue he said to me "I don't think I can do this anymore". HIs eyes were really dead and he didnt seem to be bothered at all. I was upset and crying and more shocked than anything and throught not being able to see me like that he took me back. We were ok for a week then again yesterday (when I was really sick) he was giving me one word answers and really exasperated sounding shouted "Ill Phone You Later!" and hung up...didnt call back to I called him ( I was so upset and couldnt sleep without sorting it out) He didnt answer. I sent him really heartfelt txt messages - no reply. He finally spoke to me in his car tonight and said again with the dead eyes "I dont want to do this anymore" I am honestly heartbroken. I pleaded with him and I don't know if thats given him some kind of power trip but he just kind of murmered I need my own time and took me home. I am a mess! I'm not usually so irrational or paranoid or emotional but this has totally rocked me to my core. He is all ive known since I was 17 and I dont want anyone else. We were planning on getting a house and im studing for a degree so we can have a good future together. None of that seems worthwhile now. Im in total limbo. Please help

[shorty20]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. At this point, I'd initiate either NC (no contact) or LC (limited contact)... you need to distance yourself from him. Maybe both of you became to comfortable iwth the relationship that at this point you can't really tell where he ends and you begin. You need to establish yourself and who you are... be your own person, not just part of a couple. I'm not going to tell you that he's going to come back because I don't know whether he will or not, but I can say that all the graveling and pleading and crying in the world won't help. It will be seen as weak, turn him off, and drive him further away. Give him some time and work on yourself... see what happens from there. Good luck, and i'm sorry you're going through this!

[kadvati79]

For a start, I thought to myself "I can't imagine how painful that must have been". Then I realised, yes, I can imagine - cause I went through it all six months ago myself! When I read through peoples stories, I saw that most of them started with heartbreak, then hopes of reconcilliation, and finally with the person moving on and meeting someone and developing an even deeper relationship than the one in the first place. I read these and thought, "thats fine but I know our love was perfect, I can't move on like that. Moving on will never be a success story for me!"

 

I think it was SuperDave that said "when someone says they want to leave, show them the door, open it, and wish them well". Really, thats all we can do. You cannot change the way someone feelings, all you can do is outline your feelings and hope that they are the same. That is what a relationship is, two people with (more or less) the same feelings.

 

I can really read some denial from him in your post. It sounds like for a long time he had this feeling he wanted out, but he didn't want to feel that way because he loved you so much. I doubt there are even any "real" reasons why he needs out, he just does. Particulary at that age it can be very hard to sort out your emotions - and in reality he may be at the point where regardless of how perfect the person was at that point in his life... he was going to have to move onto something else.

 

You need to get an action plan, pick three things to work on. For me it was gym, diet, and friends. I had lost alot of weight, so I went back to the gym bigtime, totally revitalised my diet, and began a massive social calendar.

 

Good luck, and keep posting. "It works if you work it"

[BeStrongBeHappy]

it is especially hard to let go of a first love, and the hardest thing about 'letting go' is that it is not always our choice to let go, the other person makes that decision and is emotionally long gone before we even figure out that they have made up their minds to leave...

 

since he keeps repeating that he 'can't do this anymore', i think trying to talk to him more at this point will only cause you both more pain. the best thing to do would be to step back, and as hard as it is, do NOT call him, and see what he does. you will soon discover whether what he really means is 'i can't talk about this right *now*,' or 'i don't want to talk about this *ever* because i want out of the relationship.'

 

he has your number, knows where you live, etc. etc., and since you have tried to talk to him and he won't respond, the ball is now in his court to either change his mind about continuing the relationship or not. if you feel you need closure, if you don't hear from him at all after a week or so, you could email him your feelings in a *very* short and to the point mail that says something like 'I love you and want to be with you, but if you have decided otherwise, tell me now and i will respect your decision.'

 

then see what he says. if you get no response, then that is a response too, it is over and as hard as it seems, you are bettter to spend time with friends to help you get thru the grieving process, and try to schedule activities that are fun for you and keep you busy. or he may respond that he is not sure and needs to think about it, or that he wants to be together and is frustrated with too many talks about the relationship, etc., depending on what is going thru his head.

 

but continuing to press him will probably only agitate both you and him more...

 

and a little distance may make him realize he really does miss you and want to be with you, but trying to wrestle him to the ground and force him to talk about the relationship when he does not want to will only confirm in his mind that the relationship is wrong for him. if you respect his desire to not talk about it more and leave him alone, if he changes his mind, he will be back!

 

in the meantime, please try to spend some time taking care of *all* your needs, not just focusing on him and this... cultivate your other friends, you do sound like a person who cares a lot and you deserve someone who does want to be with you wholeheartedly!

[fatfaso]

Hey Feelin_Blue. I know things seem horrible right now, but eventually you'll hurt less. I've been broken up for about one month and it still hurts like crazy, but at least I'm getting my appetite back. Anyway, I'm going through the same exact situation as you (first love, been together for six years, etc.), except that she dumped me. Why? Probably the same reason your first love dumped you... He is in a big transition period in his life. You guys are at an age where you have to move on to the real world... no more playing house. I'll bet that your guy probably feels like he does love you, but he wants to do things for himself (at least that's how my ex feels.) Try not to get too bummed out. I'm willing to bet that he still loves you and maybe still is in love with you... he just wants to be alone for awhile. How long will that be? Who knows, but you can't sit around and wait for him to come back because honestly... he may never come back. That may sound difficult to hear, but you have to face facts. If he does come back and you still love him, your relationship will be stronger than ever. You will both know how much you mean to each other and life will be great. If he doesn't come back, be thankful. Why? Because it would be horrible to be in a relationship with somebody who didn't fully love you. When two people are in a relationship they both deserve to be loved 100% by their significant other. Don't accept anything less. You're worth it. Don't forget that.

[feelin_blue]

Thank you everyone for your kind posts. I know you're all right and both your advice and a little time to think has helped me gain some clarity about the situation (even though its only been 24 hrs). Last night I wrote myself an action plan before I went to sleep and the things I planned for myself are very similar to what icemotoboy suggested, Being healthy and eating right, walking and swimming ( no gym *he* will be there) focusing on my studies and filling my time with things that I love - not dwelling on everything. We have arranged to speak on Sunday and I feel that since he was in control of the meeting and situation and decisions made last night, that I should take control on sunday meaning that I will pick time place and so on. My thinking is that if I have some control over that then I will be able to control my reactions and maybe come accross a little better. Nobody wants some wailing maniac right!? I think that even If he does decide that he wants to try again I think for the next month at least we should have limited or no contact at all then after the month is over reassess the situation. So thats the plan - I will update with how I get on on sunday night. Thanks again everyone - I need all the support I can get right now!

[Horizon44]

Sounds like youve already taken a good first step, my only advice to you and you already know this, is to not beg or plead with him, bcos u only reinforce their decision.

 

Time to spend time on you and do anything and everything youve always wanted and see if he comes back.

 

I wish u the best of luck, particularly with your studies, thats the hardest thing to focus on while all this #$% is happening, i sympathise with u

[mikeywins21]

I'm not sure if this will help or not, but seeing as he really didn't give you a reason for his leaving all I can think of as how a friend of mine had gone threw the same thing. My friend Ryan and his g/f Julia met when he was only about 16, they dated for years, almost threw all of High School. Everyone saw them as a great couple, they were always together, family events, partys, everything. One day he just woke up and thought to himself. "Everyone expects me to be with Julia for the rest of my life, to see us get married, and she's my first girl friend ever. I don't even know what else is out there." SO insted of him just telling her they needed a break so he could be on his own at lest until he got out of School he started to see other people, another girl. Now years and years later he still kicks himself in the butt for not just sticking things out with his girlfriend. I'm not saying that is what your boyfriend is doing, but maybe he is under alot of pressure, maybe his family has been asking him stuff like "When are you guys gonna finally get married, you've been together for years, you should at least ask her" sutff like that. I don't know. Guys get scared. Some of these jerks want to sow there royal oats or whatever the frase is.

[6dalia]

that was my situation 7 month ago, and still hope to get back, finily I realise men need to chase women , so I realise that men respond to distance more than they do to words...

after that I got phone call from him to see me for whatever reason...

I say yes sometime, and pretend to be busy other time that is when you realise that DETACHMENT is knowing that he may be losing you....

be patient and let silence do the work for you....

[feelin_blue]

Well hi again everyone. As I said in my last post today was the day we were due to meet up to discuss our future as a couple. He came to pick me up and as i got into the car I was repeating in my head "be calm, be calm!" as I didnt want a repeat of my pathetic wailing and crying which happened the last time we were talking. I kept with the idea of playing it cool and let him initiate all the conversation on our drive, I kept my answers to a minimum. I really wanted to let him know I was here more to listen to what he had to say that let my opinions be heard. When we finally got to where we were going we went a little walk and again I said very few things until we were seated so we could at least look at one another. When we sat he said whats on your mind. I let him know that I was there to hear what he had to say - without making it look like I was demanding an explanation. He let me know that he was feeling freaked out and that he felt he'd lost a lot of his identity during our time together. Basically he said many things that you guys suggested on here which was great because it helped me form good answers instead of looking like i didnt understand where he was coming from . I let him explain his point of veiw then I took my turn to tell my side. I knew he owed me a few apologies that he hadent given me yet but instead of my usual over reaction by saying "you havent even said sorry for....blah blah" I decided to apologise for a few things first. Like the way I reacted the other night, and that I critisised one of his friends....this really made him sit up and take notice that I'd really thought things over and that this time really was different. This opened up a whole new conversation and before we knew it we were sharing things and feeling a lot more relaxed. I suggested the idea of a little less contact for at least this next month to let us regain a bit of our individual identities and also to appreciate what we have when we do meet up - instead of it being routine and taking it for granted. We worked a few issues out and we both seemed more relaxed at the end and even though i was dying to throw my arms around him and kiss him i stayed cool and just gave him a peck on the cheek before leaving the car so he knows i really have chilled out. I'm going to make him work for my affection now instead of me begging for it. This little bit of space has allowed me to gain a huge amount of perspective on the relationship. Thank you everyone for your posts and the advice was great. And although were not completely out of this rough patch at least I can see things getting better.