i just need somone to listen...

[onelasttime]

ok well there is this guy, hes a year older than me. we have grown up together. i have known him my whole life. i could tell him ANYTHING in the world and he would be there for me. he was like my brother.. anyways, last year around may he had gone through A LOT.. his dad beat him, cheated on his mom, his parents got a divorce, he had to stay home with his brother while his mom worked late hours, he almost went to junvi. i was there for him through all of this.

 

so then last summer, around july, me and him kind of had a thing. we were extremely "friendly" that whole week and we were hooking up. and i trusted him.. so then one day, me, him, and some friends went up to hershey park for a day.. that whole day we were kind of all over eachother.

 

durning the car ride home, we were in the back seat lying down and cuddling. I got tired so he held me. before i fell asleep, he made a move one me and I SAID NO because i was not ready. (i was going into 8th grade and dealing with some self esteme issues.) so then he agreed and i fell asleep.. when i woke up, my bathing suit had been untied and he was doing things to me.. he was feeling me up and he began to finger me.. i tried to push him off but i couldnt, he was too strong. i didnt want to make a scene because we were with friends and i knew that would only screw his life up even more and i care about him and dont want that for him. for just a moment, i thought that maybe if i didnt force him off, MAYBE this ment something to him. i trusted him and i didnt think he could do something like this to me.

 

so when we finallly got back to my friends house, he decided to go home.. i ran to catch up to him but he ignored me. so then i talked to him online and he had told me that he was not over his exgirlfriend yet. he made me promise not to tell anyone what had happened that night. he said it would be best for both of us.

 

so i didnt tell anyone and i had to deal with watching him flirt with EVERY girl while we were out with the crew, and he would ignore me. i had to watch him flirt with MY SISTER. (my sister has put me through soo much in my life.. she use to hit on my mom and i and have outbursts when we were younger.. she still does occasionally. shes 2 years older than me but is MUCH bigger and stronger.. last summer she would tear me down. she knows i am extrememly low in self esteme and wish i could be like her. she knows i think shes perfect. so whenever the slightest thing went wrong between us, she would sit there and say things like "youre soo ugly" "you have no friends" "youre fat" and it wouldnt matter because she would act like an angel around everyone else so they all loved her.. and my parents didnt care how she treated me because they didnt "approve" of me because i listend to eminem.. i write lyrics when i get depressed and he is the ONLY thing that gets me through because i can relate to him and they tried to take that away) To watch the FIRST guy i ever trusted, and i admit, the first guy i truly fell in love with be with my sister who had done those things to me KILLED me. all this ontop of depression was the worst. so i would keep EVERYTHING inside, still bearing my secret, and i would take it out by hurting myself.. either through not eating or cutting myself.

 

one night when we were hanging out and HE and my sister were there, my friend realized something was wrong, so we went on a walk and i broke down and told her EVERYTHING. she was there for me.. but eventually, time went on and she told my sister and then our whole little crew found out about it.. this ruined EVERYTHING.. they acted concerned, and jimmy stopped talking to everyone and wouldnt come out with us.

 

eventually, everyone moved on like it was just some other drama in our group. however, i cant move on. i FELL IN LOVE with him. and i still, to this day, have nightmares about that night. i still get depressed about it and kill myself over it. i blame myself for EVERYTHING.

 

so about 5 months after this all happened, i finally opened up to another relationship. the guys was somewhat sweet to me, but was demanding. even though he knew what i went through, he would ask me for things like head and sex. when i would tell him i wasnt ready, he would start calling me a worhless . he would constantly compare me to other girls who throw themselves at him. dont ask me why, but i was inlove with him and couldnt stick up forself, so i took it. my best guess is i clinged to him because i was soo desprate to fill in the gap left in my heart from the summer. so then after 3 months our relationship ended because he just stopped talking to me. im not sure if he cheated on me.

 

about a month went by and we eventually worked things out and got back together in january.. on valentines day, i did not speak to him.. he didnt call, or even get online, and i didnt see him. i went the whole day watching everyone else be happy but me.. soo eventually he found someone new and we stopped talking..

 

my whole life i have been lied to and hurt. i was born constantly going in operations because i was born with an inoperatable brain tumor. it has not grown, but there is still a slight possibiliy. i also have a shunt. i have lived my life in fear. i also grew up with an alcoholic mother and a father who ofter lost his temper and yelled a lot. my mother went to rehab when i was in 6th grade after getting in a car accident. i still have dreams about things she would do when she was under the influence, and i cant help but remember how she would make me hide her stash when i was soo young.

 

i know this has been long, but if you have read this, i would really appreciate some help. if anyone out there can just email me or let me know that you have taken the time to listen, that would mean THE WORLD to me. i have no one i can talk to about my problems. i know i havent been through half of what other people on this site have, but i just need some support. thank you.

 

sn- one last tiime x

email- link removed[/i]"]minimee515@link removed

 

God Bless

[Beyondthesea]

Honey, welcome to enotalone. If you are looking for someone to listen, and for friends and advice, you have come to the right place.

 

You have been through so much, and still are going through so much. You are so strong, and so able to pull through this.

 

Never think you're problems are not as important as anyone else's. You are just as important as each one of us in God's eyes.

 

PM me anytime, and I will check on this thread again shortly.

 

BIG HUGS......

[onewithbooks]

Welcome onelast time,

 

Just wanted to let you know I read your thread and I dont really have time for a long reply at the moment, but I will get back to you. In the meantime, hang in there. It will get better. I will pray for you.

 

It sounds like you need to take some time for you, and to tell yourself you are worth someone who will be good to you. You have dealt with a lot. Now its time for you to start figuring out where you are emotionally and healing from your pain. It will be a long process, but it will be worth it.

 

Take care,

 

L~

[randiandriien]

Wow, first I have to say...my heart goes out to you! You can't blame yourself for what he did to you. Unfortunately, it's easy for men to make it seem that you set yourself up for it. The fight for women when it comes to sexual abuse is a very very tough one! Most women actually do choose not to report it due to possibly redicule or further abuse from men. What he did was NOT you fault.

 

Your sister...not much to say there except she's not a very good person.

 

Men...the first guy sexually abused you and the second demanded sex. Do you think there might be a pattern there for your choice in men? Sometimes when women feel so low...or men even....they tend to pick from the "not so great" pool of people- abusive people. I would concentrate on being yourself- don't look for any men to help you feel complete. You won't love someone if you don't love yourself. And they won't love you if you don't love yourself. How old did you say you were right now?

 

Also, don't compare your problems to other people! Never feel like someone else's are more important than your own! I have only been on this website for 2 days and already I've talked to some really good people...lots who know what they're saying. I think it'll serve as a great support system! Feel free to email me anytime. I have AOL also.

[voltaire]

The truth is that some people get it tough in life and by bad luck you're one of them. However you seem to have a VERY good grasp of reality. So I think the only advice you need from me is this: you will be a popular and sought-after person one day; you don't need to tolerate idiots who just want to abuse you; when you realise people are not respecting you don't be frightened to move on; there are plenty of better people out there, and believe me you'll meet them - as long as you're not stcuk in some silly relationship with someone who's not giving you basic respect.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

please have faith that you are stronger than you realize and have survived so much in your young life already and sound so intelligent and just need some time and perspective to feel better about your life and have more control of it...

 

there is an old expression that you can't choose your relatives, but you can choose your friends. your parents and sister sound like they are struggling with lots of problems, and you have borne the brunt of that, but you can certainly choose who you are friends with, so why not choose to have friends (and boyfriends) who treat you with respect rather than try to use and abuse you?

 

it is very common for people who have been abused as you have to continue to form relationships with other people (like those stupid boys) who behave in a way that is familiar to them, repeating the abuse... you may be transferring onto those boys your need to be loved that wasn't satisfied in your family, but those *not* nice boys are no more able to give you love, they will just take what they need and bad mouth you!! that is not love, and you are entitled to find someone who does love you, and cut contact with any 'friends' who treat you badly...

 

you can decide to grow up to be anybody you want, and the first thing you should decide is you want to try to make friends with people who are nice to you and don't use you, and turn away from those who do... i know you will forget both these boys very quickly when you truly realize you deserve better, and find new friends who treat you well...

 

chin up, sweetie, your future can be better and brighter, and you certainly can help make it so by your choices of friends!

[mandystar]

i know how you feel. well sort of. because my sister is like that too. but i dont think she's perfect. she thinks im perfect... but she's still everything else that you said except for the part that she thinks im perfect.