Surprised by my own coldness - just a phase?

[backinlife]

After crying my eyes out till yesterday, today on day 11 NC (10 weeks after first considering breakup, 4 weeks after seeing him last and 3 weeks after him telling me this is no break, this is a break up) I woke up and was ok. Not great or anything, but ok. No tears. I couldn't even cry if i wanted to. I ate! Laughed even. So I sat down applying for jobs praising myself to the fullest (hadn't been able to do that since today, i just felt * * * * and couldn't get there). And so I sit there, he comes to my mind, I SMILE (!). I was goooood.

 

No 15 minutes later he pops um on IM. my heart starts racing, I think I am going to die. How does he do it i wonder, he is blocked. So he asks me about my stuff thats still with him. I don't answer. He tells me he that he is very busy. i don't answer. He complains about exams. I don't answer. He sais he is tired and stressed. I don't answer. for 5 minutes nothing happens. I don't answer, I can't close the window....

Then he says: Fine I throw your stuff out on the strets then. I DO ANSWER! We are talking about my hifi system!!! and my credit card....and some underwear. So I say: Sorry, I have been away. My stuff is being taken care of, a friend will get it, it had been arranged.... (He had asked me before what happens with the stuff and he knows that i arranged for a solution later this month...I thought he might like my stereo for a while, he uses it a lot, so not urgent...) His answer: Thanks

I logged off finally

 

Here are the feelings racing through my head in chronological order:

 

God, I love him so much

But for what?

he has anger issues

he can't deal with NC for 11 days

he is so weak

he told me goodbye and now he needs me

he thinks his schoolstress is my fault

He hasn't learned anything

Two people love each other dearly and they can't even have a conversation?

This man is someone I don't know

I wouldn't want this man in my life

What a jerk

And how easily he is manipulated....

I lost interest

 

WOW, and then i was happy for a while I was still ok. Didn't think of him in a while. And then i was shocked about my own coldness. The minute he gave in, I felt like I won and now i can close the chapter. What a cold hearted, selfish person I am. It is as if i never had feelings to begin with... But as hard as i try, looking at pictures, looking at his text messages... nothing works. it just stopped.

 

Was i just trying to get him back to reverse my defeat? did i ever love this man? Am I cold hearted ans sick? or is this just a phase?

 

Part of me hopes I am truly not affected anymore, cause i can function again, but a bigger part of me wants to believe that I am not that cold and calculating... This is so unexpected! Its not like he confessed his love for me, but I feel I have won (which is sick in itself and tells me I have been playing a GAME, which i didn't intend)

 

Thoughts anybody? Similar experiences? Please?

 

Mona

[andrew05151]

Oh yes, you could definitely be analyzing that correctly. You might just be happy you "won." You don't feel rejected anymore, now YOU are the rejecter. There's power in that feeling. And, it doesn't necessarily make you cold hearted. It just means, you don't love him anymore.

 

...I think

[blueberrypie]

Mona, I'm glad to hear that you are doing great now.

You did it!

If it makes you feel any better you didn't stop loving him suddenly. You tried to move on. And it worked! In my eyes you don't look cold-hearted at all. You are just strong minded. =) I envy you. I wish I could do that too. I want him back so much though. =(

[Leigh]

Hi Mona,

You already know my thoughts on your IM convo...

 

As for the turning cold experience, I truly hope that it lasts. It's definitely been a rollercoaster. I think sometimes you can only take so much pain and hurt and regret... you cry for so many days that the heart looks for a reason to find relief. The relief often comes in coldness, anger, or numbness... It's your body's way of helping you heal.

 

You're not cold or calculating for feeling this way. There is definitely nothing wrong with you either, or your capacity to love. I feel you have just reached another level of the healing phase.

 

Keep going hun...

 

L.

[backinlife]

What was I thinking???

 

He forwarded me a mass email the next day, also stupid, lifted me up again. But as of today I am lower than last week. Just a phase... It was nice to be ok for a couple of days, but now I am back to the same old. I really do love him, I guess, always did. I know he does too. Sometimes simple things get so complicated...

 

I almost get angry, looking at how easy it all could be. But well, that must be life.

[calgaryguy]

I feel for you mona, I just went through this not too long ago. It will all work out I promise. You love him , he loves you. All you need is some time to realise how much you really do love each other and things will slowly fall into place. If its true love then you have nothing to worry about. Best of luck to you hun!!

 

Karl.