What is WRONG with me??

[renaissancewoman101]

My feelings are all over the place and I am REALLY depressed right now. Last night I went out with a friend and did some outdoorsy stuff which was a lot of fun. I had fun hanging out with her and I didnt think about T or other things for a few hours. I really enjoyed my friend's company and felt a lot better than I had in days. But, as the night drew to a close, my feelings got really weird and I started crying and getting really depressed and clingy to my friend. I didnt want her to go home. I was really freaked out last night, crying a lot, very depressed, and I am not sure why. I do miss T somewhat, but I had been missing him for a few days now. Just didnt understand why I burst into tears last night and was really weeping. It wasnt like we didnt have a good time last night.

 

I am doing some positive things for myself. The day before, I made the decision to go back to Chicago next weekend (weekend of the 22nd) to go visit my friend and go to Ren Faire out there. The weird thing is I was so excited about going to see my friend and going to Ren Faire with her, etc. But, when I bought my air ticket, all of a sudden, I got really weird and depressed about it and after telling my friend the days I was coming out there, setting up some other plans with other friends I have out there, I am starting to have regrets about going out to Chicago next weekend. I really want to go see my friend, stay with her for a few days, and go to Ren Faire, but I am also very scared of doing that because there are so many memories out there, that this trip is going to drag up. I also have a BIG possibility of running into my ex, since he goes to Faire too. I am freaked out about the possibility of running into the ex, of seeing friends and stuff that will make me cry about the stuff I miss, emotions that are going to be stirred up, etc.

 

I don't know what is wrong with me and why I am feeling so unsettled right now. I made a positive step and made some vacation plans for next weekend. I am going to see a friend a miss and go to a Ren Faire and see people I miss. I am NOT staying at home pining away for T, and yet, I feel as though I am so freaked out about doing this and I want to hide away and cry my heart out. It is as though this disruption in my weekly routines, is really freaking me out and bringing up emotions that scare me.

 

Part of me really misses my friends out there. I had a decent life out there, which I uprooted to move out to CA because T needed me and gave me a guilt trip so I did it for him. I am also messing up my weekly routine of doing stuff, by going out to Chicago and visiting friends. Having a routine these last few months has helped to keep my sanity somewhat. I am so afraid to do this trip, the more and more I think about it.

 

I am really messed up in my emotions right now. I am not sure if I really want to go on this trip. But, I promised my friend that I was coming out to see me and she was so happy about it that she literally cried on the phone. She is a very emotional person, cries at the drop of a hat and leaving her at the end of trip is not going to be easy.

 

Why am I so messed up in my feelings?

[Goldfish6888]

I'm sorry you are down. It is tough. A break- up is really similar to a death and you are mourning it. I know how you feel as I broke up with my ex from Chicago and I remembered really happy days on Navy Pier only 2 months previous, so my visit was a sad one. Now, I can go to Chicago and I can enjoy the pubs and architecture and the wonderful atmosphere. Just see this trip as a break...something to get your mind off things. But you don't also have to go unless you really want to - you could explain to your friend how it will remind you of your ex. Time is a healer and you just have to know, one day, one day you will look back on this and be happy again. Often visualising yourself as happy, helps.....

 

I am going through a break up myself and everytime I see the roadsign for his old home town I'm reminded of him.. When someone plays a significant part in their life, they do stay there for a while. Its not like a tap you can turn on and off. Just be patient. Try to have a positive outlook. Things could be worse. I wish you the best of luck!

[renaissancewoman101]

Goldfish6888, thanks for your positive feedback. My feelings are all over the place. My ex and I broke up about 10 months ago and I dont want to get back together with the ex or anything like that. I am just afraid of going back to Chicago and having a bunch of feelings all brought back to the surface, feelings of depression, unhappiness, etc., that I havent felt in a while.

 

Just recently, with the help of a few people from here, I let my best friend out of my life. That is really bothering me right now because, although having a friendship with my best friend has been very toxic for me, I had come to depend on him a lot for things for over 13 years. Heck, I even gave up a good job, good friends, etc. to move back to CA because he "needed" me.

 

My emotions about letting go of my best friend and my emotions and fear of the feelings that will be dredged up when I go back to Chicago to visit friends, go to Ren Faire, and possibly run into the ex, is what is fueling my last bout of confusion and tears.

 

I am not in a good place right now and I am trying to sort things out. I was really looking forward to going to visit my friends and go to Ren Faire but the minute I bought the air ticket, I started having doubts about it. I am really freaking out about it now.

[ElektraHere]

Ren,

 

GO GO GO GO!!! To ChiTown. You will have a GREAT time and will be so busy with everything that T will not consume your time. Stick to your guns sister and you can do it. Its hard and yes it seems at night the feelings get worse. I hated the evenings but then it gets easier as each night goes by.

 

Have fun at the Ren Faire and with your friends. Don't let someone who doesn't repsect you ruin the rest of your life.

[nottoogreen]

Hi RW,

 

Me thinks it is quite natural to crave for a good friend to do normal things.

 

Don't get clingy, it may break your friendship. Better develop more friendships and more activities.

 

Oh, why not return to the windy city - its sort of fresh air.

 

Be patient, you get better every day.

 

Edited: Although being an euro in asia, I am aware that windy refers to chikago's ways such as the major aranging to destroy the runway of meigs field overnight...

[renaissancewoman101]

EH and nottogreen, I am going back to Chicago next weekend. I have the ticket already. I am just going through some weird emotions right now and am not dealing really well. With letting go of my best friend, I have a huge hole in my heart and I am afraid that going to Chicago and seeing old friends and going to Ren Faire, is going to dredge up some emotions that I havent felt in a long time. An avalanche of emotions plus the situation dealing with letting go of my best friend, is wreaking havoc on my feelings.

[nottoogreen]

RW, it's normal.

 

Great you go to Chikago. It will be good for you.

 

Don't worry too much. In a month you will be much better.

 

How is your job coming along BTW?