How to keep your Distance

[LuciaSeia]

I'm dating a guy who is obviously a player (girls always come up and say hi to him and he gets calls all the time)..anyway, I'm not looking for a committment, just a good time. So my question for the guys, and girls, is how do you remain nonattached even after the other person is courting you and acting interested.

 

The other night I got up and walked to the door, blew a kiss, and before I could shut the door he called me back incredibly perplexed I was leaving so unabruptly and nonchalantly. I suppose he isn't used to being treated how he probably treats other girls. I then sat down and explained to him that I was confused he acted like he cared, since I am not expected anything more from him (although we do have a great mental as well as physical connection). He told me that he did care and although I sensed some genuiness I am maintaining my guard. Anyway, I'm just confused since he acts affectionate with me even when I am distant- and have now told him that I was under the impression we are just 'buddies'. He has been taking me out on dates and excerting alot of effort...what gives? He's acting like the girl now.

 

Anyway- I would appreciate any feedback as to how to handle this type of situation where the guy seems to exude more interest than expected (especially because of his player attitude). I have no current desire for a committment... being young, single, and beautiful in a big city .

[bhzmafia]

Maybe you just expected him to be a player, but he isnt really... How well did you know him to come to that conclusion?

[itsallgrand]

You find a way to distance yourself. Do not encourage the courting. Find someone else to play with who has not even a pretention of caring about you.

 

Playing is a dangerous game; now you are in the pool with the sharkies. OOahh.

 

Did you ever stop to consider why you would date a person you believe is a player to begin with? If that's not an issue for you, fine.

 

I just happen to think that a girl can have fun without being with people she does not respect.

[shorty20]

just because a guy has lots of friends that are girls, lots of people coming up to say hi to him, or gets lots of phone calls these things don't necessarily make him a player. I'm more of a guys girl, and have tons of guys that are friends, that call me, talk to me, give me hugs... but they're all just friends. When I'm in a relationship or even just dating, I only date one person at a time, even if it isn't serious. I feel the point of dating is to see whether you and this person are compatible and I don't think I can do that properly if there are 2,3,4 other guys in the picture... I would be carefull about making such assumptions, but still keep your guard up.

[Balbina]

I agree, find a way to distance yourself.

 

See him about 2/3 of the time he wants to see you, and the other times be "busy".

 

Stay just slightly out of his reach...when he calls you, don't always pick up, or don't be home when he expects you to be.

 

Let him call you. Trust me, guys love to chase...as maddening as we find it, men love to get frustrated. Keeps them on their toes.

 

Do not talk about the "relationship". If he brings it up, change the topic. If he brings up ex'gfs or other girls, change the topic. Let him wonder where its going, but be aloof about your expectations.

 

Yup, that will pretty much get him eating out of your palm. I don't recommend playing games, and this isn't about playing games, but rather holding your own.

[dizzylizzy]

Sounds to me like he does care and have an interest so if you are not looking for a commitment maybe you should look to someone else for that kind of relationship. I myself am not overly comfortable with my boyfriend having a lot of contact with other women but some of it I try to understand because socially he and I are completely different animals. I am very conservative and prefer one-on-one conversations and get nervous in big crowds. My BF is a sales person; thereforeeee, he is the social butterfly. It doesn't matter where we go he has to interact with everybody whether they want it or not. In a restaurant it is hard to have a conversation with him because he is paying more attention to the conversation going on at the next table. He is always interjecting into other peoples business whether they want it or not. I use to question if he was flirting but mostly I just think that it is personality. He needs that connection with others, and he needs and craves the attention he gets from it. When I think about it he is probably somewhat insecure and this is why this attention is so important to him. But he isn't a player.

[Day_Walker]

I dont think that its a secret that when a person is interested in you and you act reserved the other person will make more of an effort. If you really want to deal with this guy then you have to see past his playerness, that means there is a reason why he is a player and he knows how to deal with woman. You need to stop thinking that his eagerness actually means something. What you want to look for is something genuine.

[annie24]

You find a way to distance yourself. Do not encourage the courting. Find someone else to play with who has not even a pretention of caring about you.

 

Playing is a dangerous game; now you are in the pool with the sharkies. OOahh.

 

Did you ever stop to consider why you would date a person you believe is a player to begin with? If that's not an issue for you, fine.

 

I just happen to think that a girl can have fun without being with people she does not respect.

 

ditto ditto ditto!!!!

 

why even date a player in the first place? unless you yourself are a player and are dating 7 other men, don't bother.

 

so, actually, that is the answer to your question - how to keep your distance? go out and date 7 other men at the same time.

[Caterina]

Listen. Watch your heart. You don't want to get hurt. And don't play games, you're above that. If he's a player, you might want to consider dating someone else. But give him a chance and see if he stands up as something deeper. If he is only interested b/c you are playing hard to get, then he's not worth anything.

[LuciaSeia]

He has been honest with me. I asked him if he had been with other girls in the past few weeks, he said yes (2 weeks ago). He has told me that he thinks I'm a real woman, and if there were more women like me the world would be a better place..he's even kissed my feet. Ha- he doesn't seem like the cuddling type, but he did the last time we spent time together and there was no sex invovled.

 

He is very skilled at handling girls....I think I'm the first 'woman' he's been with. I'm just getting used to this nonattachment and perhaps its working now because I think he's actually more interested. Does that make sense?

[annie24]

no. it doesn't make sense. he's a player. why do you feel special when he just told you he has been with other girls in the past few week?

[itsallgrand]

I agree with annie. Big surprise!

 

Don't fool yourself.

[1899]

I agree, find a way to distance yourself.

 

See him about 2/3 of the time he wants to see you, and the other times be "busy".

 

Stay just slightly out of his reach...when he calls you, don't always pick up, or don't be home when he expects you to be.

 

Let him call you. Trust me, guys love to chase...as maddening as we find it, men love to get frustrated. Keeps them on their toes.

 

Do not talk about the "relationship". If he brings it up, change the topic. If he brings up ex'gfs or other girls, change the topic. Let him wonder where its going, but be aloof about your expectations.

 

Yup, that will pretty much get him eating out of your palm. I don't recommend playing games, and this isn't about playing games, but rather holding your own.

 

 

 

You are right, some guys like that, but some guys like me dont like that game. Dont assume every guy is like that. I dont know if it has to do with confidence but if you did that with me id assume you were not interested and leave you alone. Of course you wouldint care because it means less work for you to let the guy do all the work, right?

[Balbina]

You are right, some guys like that, but some guys like me dont like that game. Dont assume every guy is like that. I dont know if it has to do with confidence but if you did that with me id assume you were not interested and leave you alone. Of course you wouldint care because it means less work for you to let the guy do all the work, right?

 

If the guy's a player and she wants to keep her distance, I think what I wrote would totally work in helping her hold her own and potentially even get him to chase her more. If she doesn't want anything to do with the guy, even better, because she maintains the routine she had before she met him by having a life and not always having the time to see him.

 

I don't assume every guy is like that, or is going to "fall for it". I know plenty of guys who prefer a girl to be upfront and assertive. I think you can be both assertive and aloof, to an extent. As long as you show genuine interest, I don't know where you'd go wrong.

 

Then again, I had a guy who took it the way you said too. I don't think I missed out on much though. He knew my number and he failed to plan in advance - his loss. It's not about having the guy do all the work, but it's about showing a little enthusiasm for wanting to see me and acknowleging that my time is valuable.