Relationship vs. Career

[fatfaso]

I am currently a rising third year law student. I was dating a girl for 6 years and want to marry her. We started dating in the senior year of high school, went to the same college and dated the whole time we were there. After graduation from college, she moved to Florida to be with me. I made it easy for her by choosing to attend a law school in a town where she could attend graduate school as well. After her first year of school, she decided to take advantage of her school's study abroad program. Every three months she would rotate to a different location. After nine months away from me, she decided she wanted to break up. She has three more months until graduation. apparently she is unsure whether she is still in love with me. I believe being apart for such an extended period of time played a big part in her decision. When she's abroad, she's with the people she works with 24/7. They live together in the same apartment complex, and they work together all day long. Her work occupies almost 100% of her time. She wake ups, goes to work, goes home, then works somemore with her co-workers. Perhaps her friendship with her co-workers has usurped my position as her best friend. In addition, the people she works with are very different than me. They drink, smoke a ton of weed, do the bar scene, etc. While I was together with my now "ex" girlfriend, we never used to be part of the bar scene. I never got the impression that she liked that. However, I've seen pictures of her on MySpace and she's out and about with her new friends, drinking martinis and doing shots. She says she gets some enjoyment in going out with her friends, likes the taste of the martinis, but doesn't get drunk, and honestly, only goes out to bars b/c thats all there is to do in these cities with these people... they have no other real interests. She says there are no other guys that she's intrested in. I know people change, but I'm not sure if she really changed or if she just started doing all of these new things with her co-workers because that was her only social outlet. The reason she gave me for the break-up was that she wasn't sure if she was willing to give up potential job opportunities in cities that aren't where my law school is located. In other words, I still have one year left in law school and she's not sure she wants to return to Florida when she might have great job opportunities in other states like New York, Illinois or California. I truly believe she is conflicted about what she wants. When we are together, she acts like she did nine months ago... she wants to hold hands, kiss, hug, etc. She acts like she's still in love with me. However, there is that part of her that doesn't want to pass up job opportunties, especially since she loves the line of work she's in. So now I'm left wondering whether or not she'll decide that she wants to come back to Florida because I'm that important to her, or she'll decide to leave the relationship for good. I mean we spent six years together, and for nearly all of that time we were truly happy together. We're both 24, so we're in a time of transition. How likely is it that she will come back to me? Should I just move on or should I try and remain optimistic? She says she still loves me and is affraid she'll be making a mistake if she leaves me because she can see us together when we're old, but at the same time, she has this "feeling" that she wants to really pursue her career. She feels the two "wants" that she has conflict. Personally, I think she could have a truly fulfilling career in Florida and still be with me, but I don't know if she's in a agreement... right now she appears not to be. She says she has no desire to date other guys; she just wants to focus on her career. What do you guys think?

[fatfaso]

I just started "No Contact" on July 4th, but I broke down and IMed her wishing her a happy Independence Day. Today I'm starting fresh and I'm going to try and stick to my guns. Do you guys think there is any chance she'll realize that giving me up is actually bad for her?

[mikeca]

well I think you have the right idea by going NC until she figures out some things on her own. You also must remember human beings tend to resist things that control us, you must give her the space to decide on her own. if she continuallys starts to call I think it would be best (if you havent already) to let her know you care about her and want the best for her (selfless love) and wanted to give her the space she needs right now.

[fatfaso]

I think I figured it out... We had been dating for six years straight out of high school and she's never dated anybody else or been alone. She never had any super close group of friends in high school or college, but she found her group of friends in her grad school when she went away from me. Maybe she just likes her new independence and wants to have fun without having to answer to anybody. In this respect, we DO want different things.

 

Also, I think that since she's 2.5 months from graduating and this is her final quarter before graduation, she's insanely stressed out about her future... She doesn't know where she wants to live, she doesn't know if anybody will hire her, she's never had to be to be financially independent before, etc. I think there just isn't enough room in her life for a relationship right now.

 

From what I've been told by my family and friends (who are obviously biased), I should just give her her space and let her deal with what is an immediate priority to her (getting a job, etc.). From why my "ex" has told me, she still loves me, misses me, part of her really wants to come to Miami to be with me, she wants to go to my cousin's wedding with me after she graduates, etc. etc. (of course this could all be because she's guilty OR because its habitual OR because she views me as a friend). Maybe after my "ex" gets her life in gear and feels a little more stable and after she's got her whole "gotta be independent" thing out of her system, she'll realize that she wants more out of life than just her career. That may take months or even years to figure out, so sadly, I can't just sit on my butt and wait for that to happen. I need to go on and live my own life (as hard as that may be), and if she realizes that she really does love me and is IN LOVE with me, then maybe we can work something out. Until then, I guess I just have to be a man about things and live life. It just sucks living life apart from the one you love. But hey... there are single people all over the world who manage to have a good time on their own, so why can't I?

[backinlife]

Hi,

 

Really sorry to hear that you are in this mess. It sounds like she really needs to figure it out on her own. She knows everything she needs to know. And from there any new input wouldn't add anything. She seems confused and needs time. If you don't push now, she might understand your value and come back. Or she has changed, then you can do nothing about it. I think you are on a good track

 

You will be fine, and i hope soon

 

Mona