Last night I had an epiphany.

[pablovblack]

This is my account up to press,

 

Its been 3 months since me and my ex broke up it was mutual at first then but when I wanted her back after a week knowing I had made a mistake she was gone and did not want to know. I'm 23 and was with my ex of 20 for 5 years since we were 18 and 15 respectively, we have known each other forever, she lives a 5 minute walk away from me and works directly accross the road looking after kids at a fun center, What I wouldn't give to live even a couple of miles away from my ex, but that's life deal or be dealt.

 

On Monday the 17th of April 2006 I thought my world had ended.

On Monday the 15th of May 2006 I found this website and the fabled NC method.

On Tuesday the 05th of July 2006 I had an epiphany.

 

Let me start by saying that no I am not over my ex, far from it, I would say I am 25% over her but I have found that getting over your ex has nothing to do with the ex themselves and your images of them or your past together, It has everything to do with time and understanding yourself, last night I had an epiphany here's how it went.

 

I was coming back from my mums house after chats and coffee and a feeling of wellness not experienced in many months, Just as I was about to pull up home I thought hey I'll just drive past my house instead of going straight home and go for a quick spin round the block then come back.

So who did I see coming up the road just as I past my house? Yep my ex in her car, this was at 10:00pm and the usual thoughts of where has she been, to a friends, to meet a guy, for a date with someone, maybe she's just had sex… ahhhh damn you brain…

As Shakespeare so eloquently put it: "O, beware, my lord, of jealousy! It is the green-eyed monster, which doth mock the meat it feeds on."

Yeah we have all done it the crazy thinking, its like torture, and we know where it gets us, up that same sh*t creek with out that same illusive paddle, its no fun there is it?

 

Then I kind of had an idea and things became a lot calmer and easier to understand, like someone flushed 3 months worth of ill thought and idea out of my head, I thought to myself, Aden! You fool! There is nothing you can do, yes she exists, and She is NOT going away anytime soon. She can do what she likes now, as hard as it seems she can have sex with anyone she desires, Yes I said SEX and as torturous as that is and you know what, there's nothing you can do about it, NOTHING.

So I thought to myself what am I going to do curl up and die and worry about what she has been doing or who she has been with all night and get no sleep and wake up lousy like a loser, HELL NO, I actually started to smile at how my overworking (game playing) mind has been putting me in a state of backward health and disrepute for the past three months.

 

I then looked at the situation from another perspective, never mind her coming home at 10:00pm what about me, I was going in the opposite direction from my house at 10:00pm and how must that of looked to her when I drove past her (think booty calls? Etc, etc) I never used to go out at that time. So why am I doing all the fruitcake thinking and grieving when I have no control or say over the situation, up until that point She had control because I begged and begged her back, I did all the stupid things to try and "Win" her over and you cant win something back that's gone.

But where was I going at that time, now that was certainly out of her control and the tables become somewhat turned, no longer will she picture me stuck in my house hoping she would come back while she was being like queen Bit*h sat at home feeling powerful because I chased her and made myself look like an quivering * * *, Nope I was out and rocking at 10:00pm and she doesn't know where I was going, like I'm moving on which I am.

 

Then I realised another important realisation, Dude its not about control, so then is that why I have found it so hard to accept, is it because my pride, ego and dignity has just gone 10 rounds with Iron Mike Tyson including the ear nibbling. Yes, Yes, Yes.

 

I have no control over that girl, my monkey, my angel, my baby, whatever the * * * * she is called now and you know what I'm fine with that, because she has no control over me, I have control over me and I'm gonna use it, all the self improvement I have been doing recently means so much more because its for me and no one else.

 

So yeah she saw my out and about at 10:00pm and here's the best bit maybe she doesn't care what I was doing at all, well Isn't that a good enough reason to stop placing these ex's on a damn pedestal and move on with YOUR life, she dumped me for Christ sakes why would she care.

 

So what I am finding now is that it is totally out of my control what she is doing, but I am in total control of how I deal with my problems and what I do, my dad said to me some time back, The measure of a man is how he deals with his problems, it never made sense till now but its so true, you really have to be a MAN/WOMAN, so for now If that means putting a brave face on, looking good, or projecting a better image of yourself that's fine, but one day it wont be a charade and I'm getting closer to closure every day.

 

So what am I going to do now because I've sorted most of my demons out, Well I'm going to better myself all round, I'm buying new clothes, getting a new car, maybe going to get a new haircut, all things to try and forward and improve my image and myself (we all know how we can slide when we are comfortable), and its FOR ME not her, who knows in the meantime she might see me around and if I'm different she IS going to want to know about me, We will see If I'm still interested then not the other way around, No one is dragging me through that much pain, anxiety and turmoil for all this time and is going to get to me again so easily, the barriers for HER are up and I'm on a one way street, looking forward with fresh aspirations and goals.

 

Every day we think we are getting better and we post here saying we are, but we are not truly moving forward, we only move forward when we let the past go and accept what has happened, let go of the ropes that are holding you back, and by the ropes I don't mean your physical ex and the sooper doper memories and things you shared, they are more than likely dead now, I mean that whatever blockage that is going on upstairs that is holding you back, in my case It was Jealousy and Denial, It Seems so easy now when I sum it up like that.

 

There's is no Jealousy, only acceptance that she is moving forward with her life, If I love her I will accept that and I do.

 

There is no Denial, the girl I loved more than anything is GONE, and she is not going to knock on my door again, she is not going to ring my phone again, I will never stroke her hair nor will I ever again kiss her lips.

 

Don't forget, If you had that special someone once, why will you never find someone like them again, If you say to me you wont find anyone like them again, then no you wont, not right now not with that broken frame of mind, your just not ready yet that's all.

 

I know we will have relapses and that's just the past haunting our minds, we are far more intelligent than the tricks our minds play on us and we will succeed, there is light at the end of this dark, dark tunnel, yeah like many I though my world was over and life couldn't go on, well time is going to go on and it always will, so lets ride it out guys, we owe it to ourselves, our futures, our children we either have or haven't met yet and our new partner wherever they are walking on this earth now.

 

 

Your friend, Aden.

[arwen]

Hey Aden,

 

This is such a big progress! I am happy you feel better, and I can tell from experience, that these insights are the marking points in getting better. Whenever you feel you relapse in obsessive thoughts about her, re-read this post. You will remember what you realized this morning.

 

Ilse

[Goldfish6888]

Hi Aden

 

It is tough losing the love of your life - or what you had thought was the love of your life. You sound like you are really working through stuff in your head. At the end of this, you will come out a stronger better person! Of that I am sure. I read your email and it inspired me!

[brando]

Aden,

 

Great post. it is funny when elightenment on a plaguing situation overcomes us..

 

I think you nailed it on the head. Great insight. Im glad your feeling better.

[chai714]

Aden,

 

Excellent post. You just matured 5 years in 2.5 months. Keep up the good work.

[sgold]

I should say its such a gr8 post... says tat life moves on. I am going thru that phase right now too. Thanks to you , I feel much better. good going.

[Daddy Bear]

totally awesome. what a great epiphany, and really cool of you to share it here where so many people who could benefit from your story hang out.

 

as i read your post i was reminded of the classic tale Moby D*ck, and how Captain Ahab's all-consuming obsession for what by all rights should have been 'the one that got away' overtook his life and eventually (and literally) dragged him under, taking many others down in the process. there's a word for that type of fixation: monomania.

 

i wonder how many more Ahabs there must be before epiphanies such as yours become an everyday part of our collective consciousness. regrettably, i predict that the number will be high.

[RayKay]

Yay Aden!

 

You reached that turning point - the all-important turning point where you realize you can't go back, and don't even really worry about going back. You realize your future is ahead of you, and that is a great thing!

 

You truly are now on a very good path!

 

-RayKay

[pablovblack]

Thanks guys, I feel better its true..

And would you believe that ten minutes ago I was walking back from the gym and guess who drove past me again, yep the ex, I didnt even bat an eyelid and my heart didn't miss a beat she chose this so she shall have it that way, I dont care where she's going or what she's doing...

 

I am NUMBER 1 here, not her, its where I'm going thats what only matters.

 

x

[lioness726]

Good job Aden!

It's great to have thses epiphanies. I had a bunch while I was dating my ex. I think it's why when he and I broke up, I knew it was the best and I knew it wasn't the end of the world.

 

I'm glad you are beginning to see a light at the end of the tunnel. But believe me, at times you will feel like that tunnel is beginning to stretch. You'll hit bad days or moments. But when you feel that way, just write out why you are moving forward. Anytime you get nostalgic or find it hard to imagine your life without them, do something or write down why you are no longer with them, and why you can't go back. Also write down that there is someone out there for you who will never make you feel the way your ex did.

 

Sometimes that really keeps my going. Despite how jaded I became on love and relationships while with my ex, and despite all the pain and suffering I endured through him; I have not given up on love. Sometimes I did. But now I know that he wasn't the best for me. Someone else is and that keeps me going. My hopeless romaticism keeps me moving forward with my life and creating a better me.

 

We all deserve soo much more and I'm glad you can realize that now too, Aden. All those memories you desribed about her hair, lips, and whatever... Someone else will be able to give you that. And it will be soo much better. We all have those same memories about our exes. thereforeeee it is not a singular occurrence. There's more memories out there waiting to be discovered by someone better. Someone better, for a better you.

 

To give up on love, would be to give up on oneself.