My dad died. Right time to end my relationship?

[moulinbleu]

Hi all,

 

I wanted to know if anyone ever broke off a long term relationship during a time of major grief. My father passed away after suffering from a long illness two weeks ago and I broke things off with my fiance the following week. I just felt like it was time for a fresh start with everything.

 

My friends have told me to not make any major decisions for a few months, including ending the relationship b/c I am emotionally unstable but. . .

 

My ex didn't really do much throughout my fathers illness. I took so many trips accross the country to care for my dad in his rough spots and my fiance (who liked to brag about how much money he makes) never offered to help me out even when he saw me and my dog eating ramen b/c I had maxed out my credit cards on plane fare.

 

He also sent a sympathy email when I told him my dad had passed. Nothing else. No phone calls. No flowers. No offer to help with anything. He offered to come for the funeral, but he also mentioned that it would be a real hassle to do so. I said don't bother if it will be difficult.

 

When I got home after my dad died, I didn't want to call him b/c I knew eventually, he would start trying to seduce me. If he doesn't get sex as frequently as he likes, he really gets moody. I just couldn't fathom being intimate with him. A hug would have been nice, but I am really not in the mood for a roll in the hay. So, I called him up and ended it all. I had to tell him I didn't love him anymore to get him to accept it. I am not sure if that is the truth or not. Things are so blurry right now.

 

When I broke things off, he came to my apartment to get his things but he also took a sandwhich out of my refrigerator. * * *?

 

Anyways, he wrote me this long email saying he is depressed, and that he is going to be a better man for the next women who comes along, and that I taught him so much.

 

Now I find myself making personal ads to try to find someone new. I just want someone who will love me forever. Someone who I won't have to explain every bit of myself to because they will just be able to feel me. I want someone who will feel compelled to be by my side when I need them most. (Both parents are gone now so I am not sure that will ever be a real need in the future though)

 

I guess I know i don't want my old relationship back. I just wanted to vent and see if anyone else has been through something similar.

 

Okay, I feel better. Thanks for reading.

Moulin

[annie24]

((((HUGS)))) I'm really sorry your dad passed away.

 

I guess it is true, these tough times really test the relationship, and he doesn't sound like he would be a supportive life-partner at all. I think you did the right thing.

 

my only advice, maybe take some time before you start dating again. you've been through a lot, it might be time to take a break, and try to get yourself together again. spend time with your female friends, take care of you.

 

good luck

[FCTex]

I'm sorry for you losses. Sounds like a traumatic time, but I think in your retrospect of your relationship, regardless of your family issues I think you had just cause. Your family stress didn't really bring out anything in your ex-fiancee that you wouldn't have already seen..

 

Your right in wanting that from any person, and in due cause you were right in your decision I believe.

 

Your just feeling lonely, as far as filling out the personals. I too during my low points, had browsed them... I like you wish to find a women that didn't have to convey her feelings and whatnot, but that I could be close enough to feel them.

 

You sound like a wonderful catch, and you sound so positive in such a dire situation. I wish you the best, and you have my deepest sympathy for your losses..

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

I have no advice to offer, I just wanted to say I am sorry to hear about your father, as mine passed away a little over a month ago. If you ever need to chat, feel free to PM me anytime.

[hosswhispra]

Hello Moulinbleu,

 

My thoughts and prayers go out to you & your family at this difficult time.

 

Don't doubt yourself for one moment. You did the right thing for yourself, by breaking up with him.

 

In my experience, I found that death of a loved one will often show who is going to be there for you when times get tough.

 

Your father will ALWAYS have that special place in your heart. No one can fill the void in your heart that you feel right now--this is why I don't think taking out the personal ads is a good idea at the moment.

 

You need time to grieve, heal and get warm hugs & support from loved ones. It's going to be an especially tough time for you; I certainly do not doubt that.

 

Prayers,

hosswhispra

[moulinbleu]

Thank you so much! I feel so happy to know that other people are out there, who understand.

 

I have a feeling like everything is going to be okay. It's a funny thing to suddenly be without parental supervision. I know I am 27, but now, I no longer have someone to make proud other than myself. Noone will ever tell me that I had better get married and sprogged up so that they can have grandchildren. I don't mind being alone really, I just really hate eating my meals alone. I would like to have someone to toast on the other side of the table. All of my girlfriends (yes every last one) has gotten married in the last year. I am the spinster of the group. Tonight I set a plate for my dog, complete with napkin. I do feel a little mad, like insane mad, but it will pass. It has to. I am going to be a doctor soon. Lets hope.

 

I think I should definitely take the advice to not get invloved with anyone for a while, but I tend to be an impulse shopper when it comes to men. I just need to CHILL. I need to remember dad, go fishing in his honor (even though I still can't bait my own hook-I lost my hook baiter!) Ah I miss him. Crying again.

 

Thanks again for all the help.

[Riggz41510]

Why are people so quick to let go of someone because of a few issues?? Isn't that what love is about?? Working through things.. For example if your man was to have an affair on you most would say "let it go" or "dump the loser" but sometimes if you get to the root of a persons issues you understand them better.. Now it doesn't make it any less hurtful but you will better understand. Every time a person does something its not always a direct attack on you..

 

I didn't go to my Grandfathers funeral and my family was so angry with me, but when I revealed to them the reason behind what I did they understood.. That's all I'm saying sometimes people have their own reasons for doing things I think its better to get to the root of the issue before you just say "forget it".. Just my 2 cents

[SunflowerFields]

I agree with the other posts, but I just wanted to say, I'm so sorry about your loss. I'll be keeping you in my prayers. *Hug*

[joyce1412]

i'm so sorry for your loss.

 

in response to thecheddaboy's comments--i don't think you dumped your bf over "a few little things." correct me if i'm wrong, but i understood that your boyfriend simply sent you an email to tell you sorry about your dad WHEN YOU WERE STILL TOGETHER? that's just wrong.

 

a solid boyfriend would have made those trips out with you to see your dad, or if he couldn't do that, would have supported you in other ways. and while it's never required of someone to offer financial support, it sure would have been very welcome, wouldn't it? and i think i would have been insulted if my well-off SO never said a thing about it. a person with an excess amount of wealth ought to help out the ones he loves when they are in need.

 

it is very true that people show their true colors in difficult situations like this. it pales in comparison, but i've found the same thing to be true in my breakup. i've had friends be there for me every single day, i've had some try to be there for me and not be so successful, i've had some all but disappear. if you were going to be with this person for life, surely you would want someone whom you could lean on in difficult times. after all, what if YOU got diagnosed with a terminal disease after you married him? it doesn't sound like he could be there for you "in sickness and in health." a couple should be prepared to weather anything.

 

again, i'm sorry you had to lose your beloved father and your relationship at the same time. i can't imagine what you must be going through. stay strong.

[chainsaw_kitten87]

when my exes best friend died a few years ago he broke up with me. He coulnd' t be himself, pay attention to me and my needs, and his own and take care of himself. We were both too broken up to hold a relationship.

[annie24]

Why are people so quick to let go of someone because of a few issues?? Isn't that what love is about?? Working through things.. For example if your man was to have an affair on you most would say "let it go" or "dump the loser" but sometimes if you get to the root of a persons issues you understand them better.. Now it doesn't make it any less hurtful but you will better understand. Every time a person does something its not always a direct attack on you..

 

yeah, I would also disagree. For me at least, the purpose of marriage is to be with someone that you know will stick with you through the hard times. Everyone will be with you when things are nice and easy, but not everyone will be there through terrible illnesses, death, accidents, etc.

 

He should have done more than just one 1 email. he doesn't sound that he was "by her side" during her time of need. Not good husband material, IMO.

[need2bme]

I am so sorry for your loss. Please take time to grieve. True, it is nice to have someone there, but you don't want to hurt him because you find you should not have been with him to begin with.

 

As for giving someone a chance, I believe you have. If he did not do anything but send an email, that makes him a bad BF. Forget the money or sandwhich; he couldn't even be with you when your dad died. That is not good.

 

Again, I am so sorry and hope things get better.