Tension over my NC contract

[Silentlyfor]

I'm having just a bit of a time not trying to contact my ex. Or rather, not trying to read her blog. I'm trying to focus on other things, and it's working somewhat, but I'm having moments of weakness and this is wearing me down.

 

What does everyone else do to cope with this relationship withdrawl? I try to read, write and game, but any other additional activities?

[JJRadical]

Well starting a thread here was a good start...and ya know those blogs have site meters that can track who visited right down to the lagitude and longitude of where your sitting...

[Silentlyfor]

.... Never thought of that.... wait really?

[blender]

You're going to be okay. When you are having the "urge to contact" just follow the thought all the way through to what you HONESTLY think the result would be. It could put you reeling back to the intitial pain. Have the self respect to grieve, mourn, cry and yes be sad, and do this without the "help or pity" of the one who broke your heart. You will heal from this, one day at a time.

 

For today you have the pride and integrity to NOT go where you are NOT being invited. NO CONTACT. This is a sign of maturity, class and self respect. Sure it's so painful and difficult, so many of us have been there, I never thought I'd ever stop mourning the loss of what I had "hoped could be" I knew though that I had to be in "accpetance of what actually was" and most of the time the RIGHT THING TO DO usually is the most challenging.

 

Just know that with each day that you maintain no contact, you are gaining back YOURSELF.... the loss of "self" during this time is so painful. we feel like we are walking through cement... but you can do it. and when you walk through it, with purpose, pride, integrity, accepting the truth of what is happening, well you get "stronger", "better", and you start to heal, and then when you least expect it, you are smiling, and grateful for the lesson learned from a broken heart, and then a new wonderful love walks into your path, and you suddenly realize the "cement" is gone, and you almost feel like you've never walked this easily or fast in your life... it just takes time and try not to look back to much.

 

separate your feelings from the facts, write down on a piece of paper a list of feelings, and then another list of facts. and see how many of them are "equal"..... you'll be surprised to know that feelings won't kill you, they will make you stronger, and the facts will give you the clarity to move on....just for today, no contact....

[agent1607307371]

Yup.

 

Mine has one. If she knows your isp, she'll be able to see it.

 

They can tell you what time they visited, how long they stayed on your site, how many pages they looked at on it, what link brought them to it and even what link they clicked on to leave.

 

Quite interesting really.

 

When my ex broke up with me the way I stayed away from his blog was imagining all the fun things he posted on it. That sick feeling kept me strong.

 

That and posting on my blog. Which he then commented on. Incredibly annoying and made me glad I kept my distance.

 

Getting away from the computer made it really hard for me to check also.

[Silentlyfor]

Ya know... the fact that I'm afraid of thinking of myself as a stalker that can be caught(Better than the alternative which is causing myself more) that can be found out is motivation enough.

 

I've already done regretful things before when I broke NC. I think I should be the bigger person(figuratively... my ex-partner is obese) and bear this pain. Thanks guys.

[Silentlyfor]

Probably going to post here again if I'm feeling tempted again to gain some strength again too

[gaiden]

haha, been there man. I'm glad this ex doesn't have one. I have no temptation to view something that doesn't exist. I don't know what to say man, that is a hard one. Even though I might get flamed, I honestly dont see harm in checking the blog. I'm not trying to condone it, I'm just saying, you know what can happen if you look, and your a big boy, so if you want to look, look.

[gaiden]

We tend to make ourselves unrealistic promises about how we are going to handle the breakup. You need to set small ones then work from there. If you know you aren't going to be able to NOT look at her blog, don't promise yourself it... you don't want to add disappointment to the list of emotions that are stewing up there with that poor hamster of yours.

[Bethany]

Post here EVERYTIME you feel the need to check her blog. Even if she has been checking on who visits her blog and sees it's you, she will now see that you have stopped which is a good thing. She might even start wondering what YOU are up to for a change, which makes life a little sweeter and you a little stronger.

[Silentlyfor]

Gaiden: Looking at the blog is a form of contact. Direct violation of NC. Whether or not she responds to that is irrelevent. What matters is I use it to gain some connection with her. So looking at her blog is a direct NO!

 

Bethany: Thank you. You're right. I can post here and share feelings or grievances instead viewing her blog. I know all I'm going to experience is more pain if I do that. I REALLY don't want to regress given the fact I REALLY want to get over this.

[Silentlyfor]

My problem is... I REALLY want to know what she's up to. It's not even something I WANT. It's what my... instincts tell me to do. And I know her blog is the easiest way of finding that out. But I know that will destroy me.

I hate that small part that still cares about her. She's not a good person. She never was. Yet that instinct to love someone you cared about is still there.

[blender]

You love what you "hoped she could be" not who she actually is. So much of our pain after a break up is from the loss of what "we thought it COULD be", that dream is a tough one to let go of...

 

but the reality will set you free, no one feels comfortable going to a party they are NOT invited to...

 

try to separate your "feelings" from the "facts". You will be sad for a bit, but it will pass, as the "facts" set into your mind and your heart will follow... it just takes time.

 

As far as being "tempted to read the blog", that's a tough one, when it's right there to see, ugh.. I don't know how you get over that, except to remember that it doesn't make you feel good afterwards.. because there is always the lurking thought she knows you are doing so... yuk, don't give her the satisfaction.... Give yourself the self respecting control of NOT CHECKING her blog and it will show her, you are more confident, and trying to move on....

[frigginexes]

If it's a myspace page, can they tell if you've looked at their blog or their myspace page if your not even a member of myspace?

[Bethany]

At the end of the day, you're checking out someone who doesn't want you, who dumped you and could very well possibly checking that you're checking her...Think about it.

 

Don't give her the satisfaction of knowing you're not over her. Keep away from the comupter for a while if you feel you need to, to break this habit.

[didyoumissme]

Probably going to post here again if I'm feeling tempted again to gain some strength again too do that.. Just post here anytime you get tempted again and need some strength!

That's exactly what I do!! Good Luck! remember..we are all here for you

[Allie.]

Redmage22- I see two possibilites coming out of reading the blog.

 

a) you find out that she's single and she's living it up or maybe not living it up .....and doesn't need you back.

 

b) you find out that she's happily taken and doesn't want you back.

 

Either way, you're going to get hurt bro cuz if that blog was about "how much she regrets doing what she did"--she will go thru heck to find a way to talk to you. I would keep off if I were you. Let's not hurt yourself anymore than you need to.

 

And okay, it seems to me as if you're afraid of urself. Afriad that you're going to break NC...[i had a major problem with that] till i realized...NO ONE can make me go read that blog or go look at that profile. NO ONE. IN THE END...it is up to me. Thats the wonderful power of self-will! You do what you want and no one is going to tie you to a chair, tape your eyes open and make you read that blog. Its up to YOU. Don't be afraid of yourself. you don't have to do anything.

 

[i'm sure you've heard all of the things i mentioned above...actually, I'm POSITIVE...you know why? Because I know for a fact...that there is an inkling of a voice in your head thats trying to speak and trying to tell you all of those things and about how you SHOULDN'T go view the blog.if that voice wasn't there...you would've viewed the blog instead of posting here =p]

 

Don't try to muffle that voice down. Our brains are GREAT at playing tricks on us. YOu have to try your best to try to get that voice to speak out louder. You can do it! Everytime you get urges. TELL yourself in your head..."Hey this is my mind, and I control its thoughts."

 

YOU HAVE ALL THE CONTROL.

 

Hope it helps.

Allie.

[Silentlyfor]

Still struggling a bit... Haven't done anything yet to break NC. Not going to let the most selfish person in my life win... I do have this power. I DO have the controll. I will win.

[Silentlyfor]

Still in control, but sad. I know I'm gone and I'm not going back to my ex but this sadness is unbearable. Jeez... I didn't know I cared THAT much. I REALLY want this to wear away. I'm a good-hearted, hardworking, and intelligent human being. I, nor anyone else, deserves to feel this way.

[blender]

These feelings will pass, I know how overwhelming they are, and it's like walking through cement, but remember you will get stronger having walked straight ahead through it, no looking back, only a glance to remember what you have learned, and now the best is right ahead of you.. it's an ebb and flow of anger, sadness, disbelief, letting go of what you "hoped" for and accepting what actually "is". You're doing great, no contact, and keep your head up, have pride and give yourself credit for feeling your pain and still putting one foot in front of the other, it gets better, it really does...

[Silentlyfor]

I agree blender. I really do.

 

I don't know if this is possible, but now I'm having a more lucid moment where none of my emotions are badgering my mind.

 

I feel completely in control. I don't have any of those urges. I don't want to have anything with my vile gf and... I feel fine.

 

Could.... Nc really work that fast? Or am I just having a clear moment in my grief?

[JohnnyTable]

You are having a clear moment which is great. I had one yesterday for about two hours. You aren't out of the woods yet, but NC is working. Eventually you will feel this way more and more often.

[Allie.]

Still struggling a bit... Haven't done anything yet to break NC. Not going to let the most selfish person in my life win... I do have this power. I DO have the controll. I will win.

 

The struggle, my friend, is normal. You're only human =D. Good for you. I'm very proud of you. Keep hanging in there. exactly. you DO have this power and you CAN control it. Now to choose whether you're going to gain control of yourself or let some memories of a stupid woman who definitely didn't care for you as much as you cared for her take over you. Remember, in the end its your choice.

 

Still in control, but sad. I know I'm gone and I'm not going back to my ex but this sadness is unbearable. Jeez... I didn't know I cared THAT much. I REALLY want this to wear away. I'm a good-hearted, hardworking, and intelligent human being. I, nor anyone else, deserves to feel this way.

 

Oh. we do surprise ourselves quite a lot. You're surprised [more shocked] that you cared about her that much. But...don't forget to look at it the other way. You are also surprising yourself with how strong you are. I mean...look at you...you haven't gone and commited suicide or reverted to drugs and nonsense like that [i hope not]. Believe it or not...you're more or less...okay. You're not great. But you're okay.

 

And oh..we all want this feeling to go away. But we can't push time. I'm very HAPPY that you realize that you feel hurt because that's your heart's way of telling you that its healing. GOOD for you. Learn to learn from this pain.

 

Oh haha, and if we wanna talk about not getting what we deserve...of course none of us deserve this...BUT...i sure know that i've made mistakes in the past and done things i shouldn't and yet i still have GREAT friends and family that care about me [just like your great friends and family care about you]. We've hurt them in the past at one point or another...and if we got what we deserve...we wouldn't have those wonderful ppl in our lives.

 

Haha. When you think of these silly things...remember to spin the bottle around and view it positively. Sometimes we don't get what we deserve...but remember...we have A LOT of things that we DON'T deserve. =D

 

Keep it up bro. I'm proud of you.

 

Allie.

[saltwatergirl]

You are having a clear moment which is great. I had one yesterday for about two hours.

 

 

LOL. I dont know why, but that really cracked me up.

 

Im not making light of your pain, I know it all too well. But, that was great.

 

Salt

[Silentlyfor]

I hate going to sleep and then waking up and thinking about. THen I get the sick feeling in my stomache because I don't have any conneciton with her.

 

My best friends actually yelled at me to let it go... He thinks a month of this is long enough. I keep getting the feeling that he's right and I'm just a mentally sick psychopath that can't let this go. I don't even know if my hearts on the mend or not anymore.