So, what comes next?

[need2bme]

OK, by now most know my story. My GF broke it off with me after 13 1/2 years. I see her on her birthday and we have a fight. She talks about it with me a little, but nothing for sure. She decides for me, during a phone conversation, 2 days later.

 

To be fair to her, now that we have gotten together to talk this past weekend, I understand how she feel. I also understand that I caused a lot of it with my behavior, about 2-3 years in. She could have talked about it before and she did her share to hurt the relationship, but I started making it go badly, first.

 

Fast forward to our meeting with each other for the first time, after the breakup, this past weekend. She was really attentive to me and not hurting me and we talked about a lot of things. We cleared the air about a lot of things. She still needs to be broken up. Trouble is, I still love her. Here is what I posted in the "closure" thread:

 

********

Lets just say that "closure" isn't always what it is cracked up to be. I was able to spend time with my GF. We were hanging out on the couch and she fell asleep. I wanted to be next to her so I could just be close to her and she was asleep, so she couldn't say anything. Anyway, she awoke later and told me I should go to bed. She went to the restroom and then came back and told me to come to bed. I did and slept in my jeans and t-shirt, on top of the blankets.

 

She got up the next morning and covered me up and tucked me in. Later that morning, as we were getting ready to go get something to eat, she stood up, looked at me funny and came over to me and hugged me like she hadn't in a long time. She said, "it is nice to have you here." I replied, "it is nice to be here" and I almost started crying.

 

That night at dinner, we talked a lot. We got closer and said we were sorry and explained things to each other. She talked about what I put in the letter and so did I. I told her that I know I should have done things differently. She told me that she is confused and has put herself on the back burner for everyone (and I agree that sometimes she has and especially with her family). She wants to figure out her life and just say no for a while.

 

Later that night we laid in bed and talked and hugged and kissed. She cried a lot and I hated to see her like that. It was not fair to confuse her (even though I was not trying to do that) and it made me unhappy. She would not let me go and kept holding me. I told her I understand how she feels and that she made the right decision. We were going nowhere fast. Someone had to do something.

 

It is a shame we could not talk like this before. Anyway, the point of all this rambling is that I am going to leave to drive home soon and it is killing me. I realize that for now, it is over. I realize that she does not feel the same way anymore and honestly, there has been times when I haven't either.

 

In short, closure sucks. I am still not with her. I hurt her and she hurt me. I get to still go work in a different state. I know it is for the best...but I still love her. Closure sucks. This helped me understand sure, but it still hurts.

********

 

When I left this morning, I gave her a kiss on the forehead and it woke her up. She got up and I told her to go back to bed. She did not want to. She came over and gave me a big hug and asked me to call her when I got here to ensure I was safe. She then rubbed my arm and said "I love you". I replied, "I love you too".

 

I called her today, as she asked and told her I made it back ok. She made small talk and it seemed as if we had not spent the weekend together. I know that she needs to distance me and I understand, so I am guessing that is the reason why she was a little short. She did not act at all like she did over the weekend. Of course I was not there. I also told her that I care about her and want her to have her space (AND I DO!!) Her reply was, "Good. I appreciate that. It means a lot to me."

 

I am not asking anyone to explain to me that she is broken up with me. I also know that I love her enough and think that she deserves, this one ime, for me to love her selflessly. I know I need to go NC.

 

What I am asking here, is how can I deal with this. I want her back, but I do know we need to heal. Both of us. Also, as I wrote before, I need to treat her with the dignity and respect she deserves. She did sit down and talk with me. She made me feel welcome and tried to make me feel at ease, when I was at home.

 

I guess the answer is related directly in this post and that is to tell myself over and over, that she deserves this and if I ever hope of seeing her romantically again, I have to get stronger. I have to learn to believe in myself again. I am just not sure how.

[CluelessGuy321]

13 years is a long time.

[hosswhispra]

13 years is a long time.

 

Ditto (13.5 years is a long time), I was thinking the same exact thing!

[kadvati79]

Two key things struck me, one... you two bonded when you met again. That wasn't closure, it was bonding. Then afterwards you mention it was like you hadn't spent the weekend together, which to me shows she wants to blank that out. For some reason, she is pushing herself to move on and the weekend was a "slip up". At least you got a chance to get off your chest what you needed too, say your sorry's, and get that bittersweet last kiss. I don't think she will ever quite forget what you two experienced.

 

Honestly, I think in time you will find yourself. When you do it is going to be an amazing experience. Having spent thirteen years of your life devoted to someone, when you eventually (and after much pain) switch to being single, being alone, and being happy - you will see that you can chase your own wants and dreams, and build your own life. Then eventually someone will bump into you, and you will be able to share the wonderful new life you have created!

 

Believe me, next time around, it is just as exciting... if not more so!

 

What I am asking here, is how can I deal with this

You have to push through it. One step at a time, one day at a time, one hour at a time if you need to. Thats where these forums help. If you ever find yourself at a loose end, you can come here. Find some new hobbies, you know, the things you always wanted to do and never have. For me I have volunteered as a Youth Counsellor, gone sky diving, and started going on a zillion dates. For a start, doing these new things I thought about my ex alot and it was terrible. But I was out there, eventually I had to accept the fact that I actually WAS having fun. And soon I actually began to feel more and more like I was happy.

 

I want her back, but I do know we need to heal. Both of us.

Its more than healing, its growing. You both need to grow. This is out of your hands now. It is in God's, or Fates, or whatever you believe is out there - a reconcilliation is bigger than you can control. So the focus becomes on YOU. Your life is within your control now. You don't have to stop loving her to begin moving on. Until recently I would have said I still loved my ex. But slowly I began to let go, it wasn't a conscious thing, but eventually it just felt right to bury the burden I had been holding. No-one could tell me when the right moment was, I just knew. I grieved, but i moved on

[need2bme]

Thank you. That makes sense and is what I was thinking, but did not want to face it. Your post hit me smack in the face with it, and quite frankly, I still cannot let go.

 

Somehow, in the back of my mind, I know she is going to call again and it will be alright. Part of me is scared that even if we did get back together, I would not be strong enough or I would be scared I would lose her again.

 

I thank you "ICEMOTOBOY" for laying it out for me. I still woke up this morning feeling like I was going to throw up. It still WRECKS me everytime I wake up here, instead of there. I still feel if I should have never come up here. I cannot shake that feeling, even though I know I wouldn't have known I needed to change and to find myself, if I hadn't.

 

The "bonding" is wreaking havoc with my head right now. That is why I can put major truth in your words. I am sure she i at home kicking herself. She told me she does not want us angry with each other, but I don't know if I can just be friends, for a long while. If I don't though, there will be no other chance to get close to her.

[stolenshadow]

She told me she does not want us angry with each other, but I don't know if I can just be friends, for a long while. If I don't though, there will be no other chance to get close to her.

 

Not being angry with each other is one thing, pretending to not love her is another.

Friendship at this point is only going to drain you because you won't be getting what you want and you will be struggling to be okay with less and less.

If the relationship ended the sooner you accept it the better, you don't want to invest your emotions in something that's going to give you a momentary feeling of well-being, see it this way, you either give your energy to the broken relationship (with a different label) for another year or you give that to yourself, and that last option is also good if this girl ever wants to ask you for another chance.

[need2bme]

Thanks stolenshadow.

 

I got a call from her last night, about a family issue she was having. She was mad at them and called me. We talked for about 2 hours. I kept thinking that I wanted to be there for her, but part of me kept thinking that she did break up with me.

 

It feels a little like the whole "having cake and eating it too" thing. I know she just wants someone to talk to, but it shouldn't just be at her convenience. She has to take the good with the bad and work at it.

 

I know I am who she knows and the person she feels she wants to talk to, but I agree with you that I don't know how I am going to heal, if I don't back her off.

 

We are in these forums for healing and honesty, so to be honest, part of me does not want to back her off.

 

Thanks again.

[kadvati79]

It feels a little like the whole "having cake and eating it too" thing. I know she just wants someone to talk to, but it shouldn't just be at her convenience. She has to take the good with the bad and work at it.

Knowing what you should do, and actually doing it, are two completely different things. You only implement NC when you have reached the point that it is what you want. I think you realise where you should be going but you just can't let go quite yet, that will come, when eventually the hurt outweighs these feelings and you just decide: NO, enough is enough already.

 

I know I am who she knows and the person she feels she wants to talk to, but I agree with you that I don't know how I am going to heal, if I don't back her off.

She is using you. She doesn't mean too, but she is. Breaking up with someone when the relationship you want is an important step that people need to do, but it is still a selfish act. It is an act for yourself. So the dumper must take responsibility for that. Its very hard to cut the cord on someone you love, even when they destroy you by breaking up with you.

 

We are in these forums for healing and honesty, so to be honest, part of me does not want to back her off.Thanks again.

As I have said, I have been on a number of dates with the most lovely and amazing guy I have ever met. I was posting about it on here, and you know what happened? Guess... Thats right, my ex contacted me on MSN asking me "whats up". I paniced. He hadn't initiated contact with me in well over a month, why the hell would he care now?

 

Probably because he heard I was dating this guy. So I blocked him. It hurt to block him. It really did. I wanted to explain why, but then I realised, given the way he treated me - I didn't really owe him anything and simply talking to him was going to set me back. I reached a point where I don't want to go back any more, the future looks better than the past now. But it took a while, alot of growing, and alot of action before feeling for me to reach this point. You will reach that point, once the future looks more attractive than living in the past. She is your past now.

 

There may come a time, when I could talk to my ex and want too. But to be honest, I just don't need his cr*p in my life right now. Its just not worth the effort. He doesn't have anything to offer as a friend, and tends to just walk all over my heart. Unfortunately, because you love your ex you will do anything for them and that results in you getting hurt. Eventually you too will reach the point when your ex is your past and you just don't want their b***sh*t any more I'm not angry, maybe still disapointed and definitely hurt. But I am quickly moving to indifference.

[need2bme]

ICE: So correct, once again. I feel that she is using me out of comfort. Even if she doesn't mean to, she still is. She knows I will listen. While it is comforting to know she wants to turn to me, it is disturbing that she doesn't want us together.

 

What I mean is, she wants what she wants and have it without us being together. I hear what you are saying.

 

When I am tired of hurting, because I can help her but not hold her, that will be enough. It is nice that the body and mind does have a mechanism to tell you, "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!" It is nice to know that my mind will get there, with no apparent help from me.

 

You are right about the hurting, because even though she doesn't do it intentionally, the hurt happens when I cannot be there.

 

Today she has not called, so that to me is a little more proof that she wants me when she needs me, but feels no need to see how I am doing.

[Netguy]

Ive said it before on here, and I'll say it again. A love is never dead until both partners agree it's dead. True love is strong enough that just one partner can carry the torch until the other one catches up.

[joyce1412]

netguy--i don't know if that's a belief you should subscribe to, for the sake of your emotional health. sounds like you might keep yourself holding onto something that's gone a lot longer than you really should.

[need2bme]

Joyce: I might agree with what you say...originally I would have agreed with Netguy, but this is getting me nowhere fast. All I am doing is getting up and going through the motions. Every phone ring, I hope is her. Waking up with stomach pains, or a stomach ache. That empty feeling when someone you love is gone and you know you can't get them back.

 

I am doing NC and when I get to the other job, I will transfer my mail. She said I did not have to, but I think that is another way for her to hold on. ICEMOTOBOY, wrote that she feels something and knows that she just feels something is wrong and had to do something. Her answer was to call it quits.

 

Right now she has her sister visiting, so she had her attention all tied up. I am assuming that once her sister leaves, she will be calling me again. The more I think about it, the more I think her sisters don't like me anyway.

[need2bme]

Hey, a little good news here.

 

Because of the many times I looked to my GF to make my life for me or was not strong enough to leave her at my house, cause we were having sex or whatever, or not strong enough to tell myself to get back to school to fnish pre-reqs to transfer or WHATEVER, I dropped some classes I needed to have in order to transfer.

 

Because of this, I had taken one of the classes too many times. I petitioned the college where I took my foreign language credits, as I need another 4 units and they called today and informed me they had APPROVED IT!!

 

WHOO WHOO!!

 

This means I can make up the transfer credits at the JUCO level and not at the University.

 

All I keep telling myself is this is MY life. If I want it to be anything. If I want to be anything; I have to do it. I need to be proud of me. I need to know that I could accomplish it and build on it. I know I need this, in order to get better.

 

Good news at last...

[need2bme]

Am I the only one NOT enjoying the 4 day weekend. I am going to be traveling to another state to report to the new job on July 5th, 2006. No call from the GF. No anything. No fireworks. No barbeque. No family. No friends. Sorry about the pity party, but I thought I would get on here and invite you all to it...

[hurtingrl]

hi need2be

 

I feel like I am in the exact situation as of today. I don't have friends, my bf and I are not together as of last night and I feel very alone. My family is back on the east coast and I am not close with them anyway. I found out last week that my company is having layoffs. I am having a quarter life crisis + trying to deal with depression and things from my past that I have never dealt with for years (being in tower II on 9/11, both parents died from cancer and another disease, other family troubles, etc)

 

BUT I am trying to think of it as today is the first day of the rest of my life. It is a chance to find who I am and what I want to be. I know that close relationships (friends, etc) are important to one's happiness but I need to work on myself first before I just into anything......baby steps. I am probably going to take a trip this weekend somewhere and relax....

 

Good luck with your new job, congrats on the college approval!

[need2bme]

Hurtingrl: I am sorry about your parents and can never imagine what it would have been like to be in one of the towers.

 

I can tell you this though; it is amazing how something like one post can make you feel better. We have had similiar experiences. My family is on the east coast, I have been dealing with some depression and just got laid off from the current contract.

 

BUT...you are right. Baby steps. At least I have a job to go to and I am alive and I have these boards. Good luck on your trip.

 

Also, I know I have to do my part. I have to hold up my end of the bargain. I cannot be a pit and expect anyone to fill it for me. I realize this partially from introspection, partly from this board, partly from books and from a phone call I just got from my son.

 

He was telling me that he was always looking at other people and wondering how they felt about him (I won't go into the exact semantics, because they are his feelings). I got to thinking how I need to be there for him emotionally. I have to hold up my end of our relationship.

 

So...I told him to hold his head up and "walk with a wiggle". He said, "walk with a wiggle?" I replied, "yep, for girls it means to shake it and for guys it means to strut." I told him to walk with his head up and his shoulders back. He said cool, that is what I will do.

 

Basically I was trying to tell him that we ALL need to "shake what our mommas gave us". He reminded me what it was like to feel insecure and I NEVER want him to feel that way. Funny thing is, he is 5'10", good looking and in good shape and is insecure. Just goes to show it can happen to anyone.

[hurtingrl]

Thanks need2beme. The thing is that most of my acquaintances and even some friends have no idea I am going through this struggle. On the surface it looks like I am in the best situation of my life, smart, pretty, great job, in shape, great bf (recently anyway), etc etc

 

It just goes to show that happiness is only truly gained on the inside first.....

 

I also have to be glad that I am alive and I also concur that these boards have helped so much....sometimes I try to figure out my purpose in life but I think I just haven't nailed it yet.....

[need2bme]

But look at the beauty that will become of figuring out what you want. So many things to try. So many things to find out about you.

 

I came up here to work a job and get money to solve financial difficulties and get home to an apartment the GF (now ex-GF) got together. I have not even been able to go home and live in this apartment and now I have no home to go home too.

 

So, lets do this together. You find out who you are and I will find out who I am. In the middle somewhere, we will find out we are ok and have fun doing it.

[hurtingrl]

bring on the fun! I swear I was a fun person at some point in my life not too long ago....

 

seriously thanks for your advice, saw you posted in my other thread.....

 

I think the tricky thing for me will be finding myself for ME and not for the hopes of reconciling with my ex bf. Not just saying it but believing it....