What i've learned and would like to share with you all

[iceman85]

Its really tough when someone you love isnt there anymore. We've all been through it or else we wouldnt be here. This forum here is for getting back together, we all want that magical answer, that one action that will have them back and loving us like they were at the peaks of our relationships.

 

Love is something that we see all the time in movies, tv, romance novels. The fact of the matter is all three of those are ficticious mediums, the stories of running over to their house and jumping into their arms in the midst or a rainstorm and rekindling your love is not going to happen, its a nice story but its not reality.

 

Most of us here want nothing more than to have a second chance with that ex we love so much. I have been here a short time, but through my own mind wranglings and reading of advice and situations here I have decided to post a thread that hopefully will help all of you out there.

 

Lets start with the breakup, the majority of those here are the dumpees, we feel lost, confused, utterly heartbroken. While your in this stage I think its best to let all your emotion out, I dont think there is any problem with expressing SOME of this with your ex, it allows you to get it off your chest and not have it kept bottled inside of you.

 

Take this time directly after the breakup to heal, grieve, cry your eyes out, lean on your friends, post here. This is the best way for you to get back on track.

 

No Contact is something that is preached here on this forum and I must tell you that its an absolute must. For YOU. No contact allows you to remove the painful influence that your ex is having on your life directly after a breakup.

 

What good will remaining in contact do for you? They arent going to come back, they made a decision to end things, they wont reverse that decision right away, they have their reasons and nothing you say or do will change them.

 

So in short contacting them will give us nothing but pain, they see it as you trying to hang on to something that isnt there, that your needy and clinging to false hope. Right now they think their life will be better without you in it.

 

No Contact MEANS no contact, no looking at facebook, myspace, online dating sites. No contact through IM, text, phone or person. They made a decision to have you out of their life, respect that as hard as it may be.

 

So now your in NC, its hard, you miss the person so much, you just want to call, they are forgetting about you, its too hard, you have to rush to their house.

 

DO NOT do any of the above, you want to do the OPPOSITE. I think the most important thing one could do is put yourself in the dumpers shoes. It helps if you've been a dumper in the past, but if not still try it.

 

You were with someone and it was wonderful, there were problems that bothered you, nothing seemed to be working, the feelings werent as strong, someone else has garnered your attention, what would you do?

 

You may love the person, but dealing with all those problems just is too much, you want a breather, if theres someone new and intresting you dont want to be unfair to yourself and your partner, you want to see what this may mean, especially since your having doubts with your current relationship, so you leave.

 

The person you dumped is constantly calling you, wont leave you alone, keeps bringing up the relationship, wants to see you, makes every effort in the book. How would you feel? You just want to be left alone for now, your obviously at a point where you are unsure of things, you want to be away from the problems, you want to see what you want and feel. You are going to grow to LOATHE your ex because they just keep adding stress to a stressful situation, you wont want anything to do with them.

 

Now think about that same ex you dumped and what would happen if they stopped contacting you altogether. Yes your out doing your own thing, for awhile your not gonna care really, you are free of what you wanted to be free of. But the nights are tough, the mornings are tough, what are they up to you wonder? You want to know how their doing but cant contact them, a few weeks go by and you call them because you just wanna see if their ok, afterall you did spend alot of time with them and cared about them alot. But the wont return your calls. Your mind keeps wondering where are they. You still go out and do your thing but you just cant shake the thought of whats going on with your ex from your mind. Do they hate you? You see where i'm going, their on your mind, and thats what you want to have happen.

 

So what if your ex initiates contact. Theres two different thoughts on this and it all depends on YOU. Are you strong enough to talk with them? If not then continue with NC. If you are then you can talk with them, but remember to be in their shoes. Dont be needy or clingy, have a nice short conversation and tell them your busy, you have stuff going on, they'll wonder what, if your with someone new. DO NOT bring up the relationship unless they do it first, this will just lead to trouble and you dont want to PUSH the person further from you.

 

I will continue this in another post since this one is very lengthy

[iceman85]

What is the best thing one can do after a breakup? The answer to this is HEAL. If you do not heal you will not move forward as a person, you will not learn what you need to learn. You will not have ANY chance to be back with your ex.

 

Would you rather be with someone who is strong, confident and in control of themselves, or someone who is needy, unstable and not confident. I think the answer is pretty clear.

 

No contact has no timetable, thats one of the most important things you need to learn. Everyone heals at a different rate, your ex may not contact you for a good long while, you must be prepared for that, you cannot do no contact for 2 weeks and think everything is fine. They will not forget about you if you go NC, they will only think of you MORE, and the thoughts wont be bad like they will if you push.

 

I have no guarantees for anyone out there, every situation is different, every person different, but read through threads here. After a breakup I think you should do a few things to best heal yourself and to give yourself the best chance for reconciliation.

 

1) Grieve, let out all your emotions, NOT with your ex, it is ok to have a day where you let everything out with your ex, I think its necessary, but remember they arent going to respond in the way you want. It may not affect them. Cry, let everything out, lean on your friends and family.

 

2) Initiate NC, be strict with it until you feel better. Like I said NC is NC, you want to remove them completley from your life, be the person you were before you met them. Improve yourself, find ways to occupy your time, hang out with friends, be ready for rough days but do not give in to your urges. Your head should be in control now not your heart.

 

3) If contact IS initiated do not be needy, clingy or desperate. There is nothing that will make someone run away faster. Be strong, confident and in control.

 

4) Remember that everything is about YOU now. It sounds selfish but its true. They arent a part of your life, YOU need to worry about YOU and you only for right now.

 

So you ask what if my ex doesnt contact me for a long time, Do I stick with NC? To that I say yes, as hard as it is, your ex may need a long time to figure out what the need to figure out. Do not wait for them though, go out and be you, if someone else comes along then great.

 

Now for the big question, what if the ex comes crawling back. I think that if they do, you need to ask yourself alot of questions before making your decision. Remember its YOUR decision to take them back not their decision to take you back.

 

Heres a few question I think you should ask yourself before considering taking anyone back.

 

1) Do you love this person or do you love the company this person provided. There is a big difference and its hard to separate the two. If you love the person, you will love the things that make them them. If you love their company only, you will miss having someone around and just that, you wont miss that persons quirks, smile, way they slept, way they sneezed etc.

 

2) Is this person trustworthy? If you cannot trust this person you shouldnt be entering into anything with them, they need to prove to you that they can be trusted and words alone arent enough.

 

3) Can you get over the pain of the previous relationship? Can you forgive what happened to you two before? If you cant then your relationship now will never work

 

4) Do you see a future with them? Be realistic, is this just a fun person, or can this person be your husband or wife, could you be with this person forever? If not then you probably should cut your losses and look for someone else, you dont want your heartbroken twice.

 

5) Does this ex want to come back out of love? Or are they coming back out of lonliness, guilt or security? If they are coming back for any reason except truly wanting to be with you, DO NOT take them back, it will only lead to pain and will never work.

 

Do not let an ex fool you again. Fool you once shame on them, fool you twice shame on YOU.

[friscodj]

That's it bro...keep writing...it'll help you tremendously...

[Daddy Bear]

excellent couple of posts. i don't automatically advocate NC in every breakup because (depending on the situation) some people are able to get along afterwards, but it seems to have helped you come a long way in the short time since your first thread.

[shelly7]

Amazing post Iceman! I'm on day three of no contact. My ex contacted me last and I decided to take Frisco DJ's advice and disappear. This is the third day and yesterday was his birthday, yesterday was rough for me so I went out with some friends last night, I cried a little at the end of the night, but to MY FRIENDS not to my ex. I have a feeling I haven't heard the last of him, but like you said I can't speak to him until I'm healed and I'm hoping by then I won't want to. Thanks for the encouragement, please keep writing and staying strong you're an inspiration.

[iceman85]

Thank you Shelly that means alot, your ex is no doubt wondering why you wouldnt contact him on his birthday and i'm willing to be thats been in his mind. Stay strong with the NC, do what you need to do. It sounds like your doing great so far. Things will only get better from here. You probably havent heard the last from him, but dont worry about that right now, worry about doing positive things.

[Allie.]

Wow. That was great! Thanks so much. You have no idea how much that actually helped me and so many other people out there =D.

 

Keep up the great posting.

 

Allie.

[jeffreyt]

Wow great post iceman it's really helpful NC for 6 days now and it's helping alot reading all these great post.

[DCMann2]

Good post, iceman. I've been doing a LOT of healing and other such things since my ex and I broke up, but I feel that the time to try and reconcile with her is growing near. Wish me luck!

[iceman85]

Best of luck to you all, I know not what will happen with me or any of us, but I feel like I have contributed positivley to so many out there, and hope that our dreams will come true. I know that the best will find us all, if thats our exes then so be it. I need your prayers and wishes also, and I thank you for them and for all your kind words for me.

[lvlyldy]

Great post!

 

Sometimes when Im feeling down, I start to get really loneley and sad and get lost in my thoughts and start blaming myself for what happened. Reading your post helped put this breakup in perspective, and now I know better.

[mba1]

Its really tough when someone you love isnt there anymore. We've all been through it or else we wouldnt be here. This forum here is for getting back together, we all want that magical answer, that one action that will have them back and loving us like they were at the peaks of our relationships.

 

Lets start with the breakup, the majority of those here are the dumpees, we feel lost, confused, utterly heartbroken. While your in this stage I think its best to let all your emotion out, I dont think there is any problem with expressing SOME of this with your ex, it allows you to get it off your chest and not have it kept bottled inside of you.

 

Take this time directly after the breakup to heal, grieve, cry your eyes out, lean on your friends, post here. This is the best way for you to get back on track.

 

What good will remaining in contact do for you? They arent going to come back, they made a decision to end things, they wont reverse that decision right away, they have their reasons and nothing you say or do will change them.

 

So in short contacting them will give us nothing but pain, they see it as you trying to hang on to something that isnt there, that your needy and clinging to false hope. Right now they think their life will be better without you in it.

 

No Contact MEANS no contact, no looking at facebook, myspace, online dating sites. No contact through IM, text, phone or person. They made a decision to have you out of their life, respect that as hard as it may be.

 

So now your in NC, its hard, you miss the person so much, you just want to call, they are forgetting about you, its too hard, you have to rush to their house.

 

You were with someone and it was wonderful, there were problems that bothered you, nothing seemed to be working, the feelings werent as strong, someone else has garnered your attention, what would you do?

 

You may love the person, but dealing with all those problems just is too much, you want a breather, if theres someone new and intresting you dont want to be unfair to yourself and your partner, you want to see what this may mean, especially since your having doubts with your current relationship, so you leave.

 

The person you dumped is constantly calling you, wont leave you alone, keeps bringing up the relationship, wants to see you, makes every effort in the book. How would you feel? You just want to be left alone for now, your obviously at a point where you are unsure of things, you want to be away from the problems, you want to see what you want and feel. You are going to grow to LOATHE your ex because they just keep adding stress to a stressful situation, you wont want anything to do with them.

 

Now think about that same ex you dumped and what would happen if they stopped contacting you altogether. Yes your out doing your own thing, for awhile your not gonna care really, you are free of what you wanted to be free of. But the nights are tough, the mornings are tough, what are they up to you wonder? You want to know how their doing but cant contact them, a few weeks go by and you call them because you just wanna see if their ok, afterall you did spend alot of time with them and cared about them alot. But the wont return your calls. Your mind keeps wondering where are they. You still go out and do your thing but you just cant shake the thought of whats going on with your ex from your mind. Do they hate you? You see where i'm going, their on your mind, and thats what you want to have happen.

 

So what if your ex initiates contact. Theres two different thoughts on this and it all depends on YOU. Are you strong enough to talk with them? If not then continue with NC. If you are then you can talk with them, but remember to be in their shoes. Dont be needy or clingy, have a nice short conversation and tell them your busy, you have stuff going on, they'll wonder what, if your with someone new. DO NOT bring up the relationship unless they do it first, this will just lead to trouble and you dont want to PUSH the person further from you.

 

Dude you are right on point !!!

 

i am soo happy to hear your self-reflection...sounds like you knew it all along but resisted bcuz of your hopes & feelings, which ofcourse is normal.

 

the main thing is that your saying it and sounds as if you really believe it and are ready to start taking the steps to letting go... i hope things become easier along the way bcuz you sound like such a genuine guy - you deserve better and if you don't already know this - then believe it!!!

 

you've come a long way - props to you bro!

[iceman85]

Bump Missing Link take a read of this I think this is what you were looking for.

[jacoby03]

i know this thread is a little dated, and it was just recently bumped for a specific individual, but i have a question pertaining to your questions to ask before taking someone back.

 

no. 2 says you should ask yourself if this person is trustwoirthy, and words are not enough. how can someone display this trustworthiness other than to say they can be trusted? if she ever wanted to get back with me, what should i be looking for to believe she could be trusted?

 

my question to your no. 5 is similar. how would i know she would be coming back out of love and not out of loneliness or safety? i know she loves me but i want her to be "in love" with me again.

 

i guess answers to these would be either "you would just know" or "you can never really know, but you could take the risk", but i was thinking of something more specific.

[mikeywins21]

Iceman that's great, I am glad I found this site just in time. I've only been doing the NC now for 5 days, by day 3 I thought I was gonna die, I kept asking "If she still loves me why wont she call?" basically the reason me and my ex broke up is cuz I just moved back to NY after being away almost 3 years, we were only friends for the last 7 years and had lost contact when I moved away but when I got back we started talking again then dateing. But she was 5 hours away from where I moved back to, also she took on 3 jobs this summer.

 

 

So the break up was seen coming for a while, you can't really be in a relationship with someone that lives 5 hours away and you only get to see them maybe twice a month cuz your both working so much. Everyday tho that goes by with NC is making me heal more and more. I still hold on to the fact that maybe someday when we both get our lives straighend out and we can maybe live in the same town we may be together again but time will only tell. We both basically left it "If it was ment to be it will happen"

 

P.S The Full story I posted is "Is this just for now or for good?" If you don't mind sometime can ya take a look and try and give your thought on it???

[iceman85]

Jacoby the answer to both questions lies within yourself. Is your ex trustworthy? You can honestly answer that by yourself. Just think of everything your ex has done and you can find your answer. People do change but not drastically. If this was a problem with your relationship it could be fixed but if someone lies all the time its hard for them to just turn that around.

 

The answer to question 5 is a little harder to grasp. If your ex is coming back after another relationship has just ended its most likely because she sees you as a saftey net or she doesnt want to be alone. If she really loved you, she would let you know that, words and actions mean alot. Do you know when someone is in to you? Then you will know if shes coming back for a certain reason.

 

Mikey I will take a look at your situation

[iceman85]

Mikey I know your situation is extremley tough right now. Theres really nothing you can do with her. She needs to do what she is doing right now, theres nothing you can do that will make her change her mind. She's at a point where life is completley changing around her. Its no longer being a teenager or a wild college student. This is entering the real world and everything is different and unfamiliar.

 

I think women when they are going through a transition or a tough time would prefer to be alone. I'm not sure about guys because I'm not really sure how I would handle things if I was in a similar situation. I think I would like to have someone there as support but who knows.

 

Going NC is really hard, i've been trying and my ex keeps contacting me online, I've just about had it because it doesnt help when she talks to me, she just tries to make small talk and it frustrates me because I just want to tell her how much she means to me and how shes killing me by doing this.

 

She has seemingly changed her whole life for the worst. That really kills me too because I want nothing but the best for her. When I met her she was a shy cute girl with a magnetic personality, someone that was reserved and took delight in being different from the typical stupid teenager. We both enjoyed a mix of music, both newer and older, we didnt see the need to excessivley drink, we loved to watch unique tv shows, we could talk about anything. Now she drinks to excess, has an entirely new group of friends, has a horrible attitude, sees being trashy and wild as exciting and great. She wants to drop out of school, shes in heavy debt and doesnt really have a job. Shes not the person I knew a few months ago and shes not the person I love.

 

I dont know whats going on with her and I dont know what snapped in her to cause all of it. All I know is that the real her isnt there anymore, I dont know if she'll ever come back. I hope she does, and I hope deep down shes still there, I hope she doesnt forget everything we shared, I hope she realizes at some point that she needs to get her * * * * together, that she threw away someone who was great to her.

 

With your case I hope your ex doesnt wholesale change like mine seems to have. But you have to be prepared for that if it happens. For now what you need to do is give her the space and time to do what she needs to. No Contact would really be best, and even though its hard as hell at first you need to stick with it no matter what because it truly is whats best for you.

 

Theres no magic answer or no easy solution. The only thing we can rely on is true love finding us, whether that be our ex or someone else.

 

The best advice I can give you is give it time, go out and have fun, do stuff for yourself. Its not easy at all, believe me, its hard when everyone else has other stuff going on, hard when you planned to spend alot of time with your GF. But just go out and do stuff, read good books, work out, hang out with friends, date. I have started to date someone else and i'm hoping it continues to go well. Shes a great girl and if nothing else has taught me that there can be other fun girls out there who can care about me. Dating someone else really can take the ex off your mind, maybe not at first because when I first started it was really weird and things just reminded me of my ex so much, but it got better with subsequent dates.

 

Best of luck to you and your quest, if you have any other questions or dilemmas i'll be glad to offer my advice.

[Sinead]

Hey iceman

 

You're very intuitive with the whole NC. Its been nearly 3 weeks and im still in NC stage.I thought 3 weeks was quite long but im glad to hear its not that long.

 

Problem though is I was the dumper BUT thats because I knew he had no interest in me. Even though he said he loved me and was in love with me i didnt believe him because there has been a few incidents where i really really needed him but over the last year he wasnt there for me. He always made some excuse. An example was - and i dont like letting a secret from my past out - i was nearly sexually assaulted by a guy "friend" i used to live with. Luckily i came up with a plan and got out of it and got rid of the guy. At that moment my boyfriend (who is of course the ex in qs here) was away at a nightclub with his aunt and uncle which was about 20 miles in car. I called him and he was concerned but he couldnt come over cos it was bout 2am and there were no taxis around, but one of my friends said he could have found a way. I had tried calling him back that night but could not get thru. He said the next day, battery was dead on phone. i dont know. Bull is what i think.

Anyway thats a little bit. My exact story is here:

 

 

 

I was giving him everything he wanted and needed and more yet he just had the whole 'i dont care' attitude so me being the dumper what do i do with the whole issue of NC?

[Captain34]

Iceman, I gotta say you are on point with your advice. No contact and holding back seems like a counterintuitive approach with someone you love, but it is necessary. These forums and past experience have opened my eyes to that. However, there are still aspects of no contact that I would appreciate your opinion on as well as others.

 

To be very brief, I was in a relationship with my ex for 10 months when she broke it off. I tried to be romantic and lay out my feelings for a very long time, but doing so only pushed her away and kept me from moving on. After about 10 weeks I finally came to the conclusion to get over it. I never fully did, but I did start seeing other women and stopped contacting the ex unless she contacted me. We did still see each other because we have mutual friends and attend the same college, which resulted in us bumping into each other. It was miraculous how she came back after I started to fully move on. She never begged to get back with me, but she did show interest, and I played it right. We got back together for 4 months, and I can say I was happy. It was a thought out decision to take her back and I do not regret it.

 

Now to the point, we have broken up again, and she was the one to end it. I still do want to work it out with her. I am cautious to feel that way, but it is what I want. After the breakup she told me that she did not regret us getting back together and that she wanted to remain friends. I believe that her saying that was from the heart and not fueled by guilt. However, from the last breakup and these forums, I understand that it is necessary for me to back off and let her see what it is like to not have control over me. Only then can she truly understand what she wants. Acting needy and putting pressure on the ex is a bad move, and I've learned that. I do believe in no contact, but the situation is complex because we have mutual friends and live just a few blocks away.

 

First of all, and I'm looking for some input here, what does a woman who broke it off with you feel when she sees you with someone else? I took a date out last weekend who happened to be the same girl I had been seeing just before I got back together with the ex after the first breakup. (I should add that after getting back together with the ex I was faithful and broke everything off with the other girl, even before she urged me to). Anyway, my ex saw me with the new girl when we were sitting outside at a restaurant, and then later when I showed up with her at a party. The party happened to be at my old house, and the night prior I ran into the ex's friend and mentioned I was going to the party in my old house. I did not bring up the ex with the ex's friend... But I did assume that the ex would not come to the party if she wanted to avoid me, especially when the party was in the house I lived at when we got back together.

 

I knew there was a chnace that my ex would be at the party, but I do not want to be limited with what I do because of her, so I went. She saw me with the new girl, who is beautiful and fun, but I made a point not to touch her or flaunt anything in front of the ex. I am not trying to hurt her, I am trying to move on, because I cannot hold onto hope that we will get back together, even though that may happen. Who knows?! Anyway when I walked into the party I came accross the ex and she gave me a big hug right while the new girl was grabbing a cup a few feet away. That perplexes me....She also did not leave the party, but stayed for an hour or so, I am assuming to watch for when I left. I walked the new girl home and the ex saw me walk off with her, but again I made a point not to touch the new girl while in sight. I also made a point to come back to the party so the ex's friend, the one I ran into the night before, would see that I was back and could report to the ex that I must not have slept with the new girl.

 

I must admit the next day I was on top of the world. But after a few days I broke NC. I called the ex and left a voicemail asking if she would be cool getting some coffee, but have heard no reply in any form. I guess I called because I wanted to show that I still care, and that taking out the new girl was not an attempt to hurt her/make her jealous. I gathered some information that the ex was down the next day or two, and maybe that is why I called. I truly do care about her, that's the hard part. Today the ex's friend posted some pictures online, one of which is me with the ex. Maybe that's not something to even read into, but maybe it is.I don't know and it would be nice to get some ladies' opinions.

 

Iceman, can you and possibly others give me some insight as to what my ex is probably thinking, what the hug/attending party means, and what is my best approach in the future that both helps me feel better and improves the chances of reconciliation? What if I run into her agin? This is my first post, so hook it up!!

[iceman85]

Hello Captain34 and let me be the first to welcome you to these forums. I am flattered that you found my post and are asking me for advice. I will certaintly do my best to try and help you out.

 

What i'm curious about is her reasoning for breaking up with you. What did she say to you both times she broke up with you? From here we might see some of the issues that she believes were present. Most likely the 2nd breakup was a result of something unresolved from your first breakup.

 

I'm glad you went to that party and were not afraid of your ex being there as well. Does this new girl like you? It sounds to me like you were seeing this girl before but when the ex came calling you dropped her just like that.

 

I know how you want to read into every little thing that an ex says or does so it can give you clues, its a very dangerous game and one that often leads to nothing but a tired mind and hurt feelings. I wish I could take my own advice because I still do the same thing, I guess its just natural.

 

One thing that jumped out at me right away is you are modeling your actions here based upon your ex. I don't think you should do that. See she chose to set you free, and you are free to do whatever you want now, no excuses. I know you want the best course for reconciliation here and i'll try to give you what I think is best.

 

I can tell that you must have really been thinking about her because you broke NC to ask her to get some coffee. I don't think this is a bad idea, but probably a little too soon after that party to have done so.

 

(Read with caution) I think in your exes mind she has always wondered about that other girl in some form. I'm not saying she thinks you cheated or anything, but I think she wonders what you feel for her, what has gone on between you two and why you've now gone back to her a 2nd time. I'm sure you told your ex that you love her and maybe she is having some doubts because of this other girl.

 

Your ex giving you a hug could be a number of different things, of course we want to think its because they still love us, but unfourtanatley its the most unlikely scenario. Was your ex drinking at the party? I would say that her hug is probably something she wanted to give you to have you feel better, i'm sure she feels bad about breaking up with you and she wanted to give you that hug so that she can try and relieve some of that guilt.

 

Her friend posting pictures of people, means absolutley nothing, dont even think about it.

 

I'd really like to know more about your breakup and relationship so I could try to look into things more. Usually there are issues underneath the surface that a dumper may or may not tell the dumpee when the breakup happens.

 

I'd say your best chance of reconciliation is just to play things cool, you know you still care for her, does she know you still do? You could try one last conversation with her as painful as it may go. Otherwise NC would be best, just try to do your best during the difficult time and really give this other woman a fair shot, she sounds like she likes you and has some really great qualities to her. Its hard to be with someone else right after a seperation from someone you really care for, so maybe you can be up front with her and let her know your situation. This way her feelings arent messed up in the process.

 

The best course for reconcilation comes from within your ex. She has to come to a place where she wants to come back, nothing short of that is going to help. The best way to ensure that she would want that is trying to be the person she cared for so much in the first place. Even better if you can get out there and make improvements in areas you may have made mistakes or are lacking.

 

thereforeeee when your ex sees you next you are your best and your best is what she sees, your putting your best effort forward without having to kill yourself by pouring your heart out to her? A whole lot easier isnt it?

[iceman85]

Sinead I am flattered you found my thread and are asking me for advice I think you have something that could help me to, but we'll get to that last.

 

You being the dumper here, have your feelings for him lessened at all? Did you tell him why you were dumping him? To me it seems like he things you are always going to come back and he doesn't have to worry too much about his treatment of you. He has to change that, otherwise you dont want to be with him. He needs a wakeup call and you would think the first time things happened would have done that, but apparantley they did not.

 

Your course of action is great right now. 2 weeks NC must really have him thinking why you didnt come back. Another question I have for you is have you tried talking to him about these issues? (I'm sure you have)

 

Your relationship was very long and I find it funny that the night you broke up with him he finally was warm to you. I think he may have seen it coming.

 

You said in your other post that you want the boyfriend you loved back. Unfourtanatley theres no guarantees he will ever be that again. I know you love him and you hold onto that person you loved. His attitude has to change though, he isnt giving you what you need and deserve.

 

For right now I think your doing great, in this situation if he really loves you, he will be frightened of losing you and HE will come calling. Let's hope he does, if you can be strong with your NC you will be much better off. NC helps you heal and really gets you away from an unpleasant situation. Of course its going to be on your mind but things dont get worse, you dont find out about their life, you dont argue with them, you dont feel the pain all over again.

 

If the NC goes on for awhile, then feel free to give him a call, tell him how you feel for him, and listen carefully to his response. You should accept nothing short of him loving you back. When one persons feelings are stronger than the others, things never work out. Your in a tough position here being the dumper. I would advise you to continue to do NC. Set a goal for yourself, a month, 2 months, until hes done with his thesis. Then if you feel the need to call him then call him.

 

For now I would say to just do what your doing, and enjoy life to the best of your ability. The best chance of a happy reconciliation here is if he realizes that his behavior towards you was not right and that you two still care alot about each other and can come back together and have these issues worked out.

 

My question for you is, when a woman feels like she is putting in all the effort to a relationship and doesnt feel like she getting that back, and she breaks up with you, how do you go forth trying to repair that? I ask because my ex says she never felt completley loved by me during our relationship, when I felt like I tried to make that be known everyday, but it didnt do anything.

[hrtbrkn]

Hello iceman, wow!!! I read your original post, and it changed the whole way I look at things. You have no idea how much it has helped me. Thank you so much!!

 

A little about my story - I recently got dumped after a 6 year relationship, 5 of those married. I have 2 kids and thought I had something good going on. Recently we moved from the west coast to the east. We drove here and after the 30 hour drive she had enough of me and dumped me the same day we got here. She said she was not happy and needed time away from me to think about it.

 

At first I was real cool with it. I had freedom!! I could do anything and everything I wanted without anyone telling me what to do. After all am still young(24) and have lots of energy. She was also taking the kids so I had no responsibility. I was on top of the world for the first week. That soon wore out.

 

After the first week of me living it up, I started missing her so bad. That's all I could think about. What she was doing? who she was with? was she with someone else? was she looking for someone else? did she still love me? I was in bad shape. I started getting really psycho and started wanting to talk to her at all times to find out were and what she was doing. I told her I loved her and wanted her back. Well all that has fired back. Now I take a step back and realize how psycho I was.

 

We have been separated for about 10 weeks now, and I still love her more than anything. I miss her so much and would do anything to have her back. I did screw up tho. When all she did was love me and try to work things out, all I did was push her away and spent no time with her. I also missed many important dates that meant so much to her. I feel really bad about it. Its so true that you don't know what you have until you see it lost. I realize how good of a woman she was to me and all I did was mess things up.

 

We have kept on communicating, and even at times seeing each other and going out. We have kissed and hugged after the separation, and we were still having sex until about 5 weeks ago, when she said we needed to stop doing that. She has told me she still has feelings for and loves me. But she has asked for time, which I have not respected. I feel so bad for it. I know I should give her space and time so she can figure things out, but I feel like am dying without her if I don't hear from her in a day. Its something I need to get over, and today its my first day I will start my NC.

 

Please iceman, if you have any words of encouragement, I will need them, thanks for reading.

[iceman85]

ahh man im so sorry hrtbrkn. The first thing that jumped out at me is that you said she broke up with you right after that long car ride? Was that car ride really a stressful one? Were there any arguments during it?

 

It's interesting that you felt relieved at first. I think that maybe some space was needed by both parties here? You just a bit so but maybe her more so. Let's look more at that though.

 

You have been married since you were 19? How old is she? Are you each others firsts and bests?

 

I can see already that there are issues from what you tell me. I think that those need to be worked on before anything can go forward. The fact that you guys were intimate after the breakup means to me that you still both cared for each other very much, otherwise that wouldnt have continued. I think she wanted that to stop because she didnt want everything to seem like it was alright and that attachment still be there.

 

I think you are doing the right thing here by doing NC, if you give her your space and you allow her to sort things out I think that gives you your best chance. Did you guys talk about the problems? Why did she say she was breaking up with you?

 

I think knowing all of that would be helpful because it will have to be fixed to get back together again. Hang in there, NC is really hard, but really works well for YOU. It will help you to get a clearer mind about everything, and it will help give her the space she has requested from you. Best of luck and if you have any questions i'd be glad to answer them.

[hrtbrkn]

She didnt say she was breaking up with me. She said she needed time away. That she she still loved me and cared for me, but she needed time to forgive me. I got my thread going on under "I was a little psycho...." if you could read it and let me know what you think. I need some good advice, specially because its so hard to not call her and tell her I love her.

[Captain34]

I'm back again with an update on my situation and I would glady appreciate any insight anyone could offer, especially you Iceman since you have already replied. Thanks for that.

 

So after seeing my ex at a party when I was with a new girl, the one in fact who I was seeing before my ex and I got back together after the first breakup, I decided to contact my ex about the situation. I left a voicemail on Tuesday asking to meet up for coffee to which I got no reply. I figured that my contact was not direct enough to the point I was trying to make, so I sent an email today. The email I wrote is below:

 

"I called asking you to meet me for coffee because there is something I feel is important to tell you face to face. I didn't hear back from you and understand that means you don't want to, but I feel this is too important not to address. Saturday night was an awkward situation for me because of who I was with. I do not know if that night caused you to believe I had been dishonest or hid things from you in the past, but on the chance that it did I want to be very clear with you. When we mutually agreed to get back together in April I made clear to 'new girl' I was back in a relationship and I was happy. Saturday was the first time that I have chilled out with her since March. I have run into her and said hello at the gym a few times since then, but that was it. I was 100% committed to you and only you when we were together and I was always faithful. She honestly did not even cross my mind when we were together, I was all about you. I was absolutely not keeping her around "just in case" like you once told me you were concerned about. She continued to poke me on the facebook for a week or so but I did not reciprocate. I do not want the possibility of misinterpretation or the belief that I was hiding things from you to prevent you and I from eventually being on good terms. Saturday night was most awkward for me when I walked 'new girl' home past you and your friend. I consciously made the decision to come right back to the party so you could see that I had not spent the night with her and had no motive to hurt you. I did not intend to spend the night with her. If my judgement is in error with feeling the need to tell you this I apologize, it is not an indication that I do not respect your need for space."

 

I felt that this email was ok because I tried to only be clear taht there was nothing going on with this new girl when I was with my ex. Any comments about the email? In any case, I was surprised to receive a response via email that same afternoon. My ex's reply email is as follows:

 

"I would never think that you were trying to hide things from me when we were together. I won't deny that it hurt when I saw you walking away with her on Saturday, but you are entitled to do whatever makes you happy. We are not together and I love to see that you're moving on.

 

Please don't think that I'm not in good terms with you. If I don't answer your calls it's because I don't think it's realistic for us to be friends right now.

 

Hope all is well, and congratulations on your job!!"

 

My interpretation? First, the fact that there was a quick response tells me that seeing me with another woman bothered her and I am still on her mind - she could have not responded, or waited, but she did quickly. And I assume taht would not not admit how hard that hit her, but had to admit something, because it was obvious... I am glad to hear she trusts I was faithful because I was. She admitted that it hurt, but then says she loves to see I am moving on. I believe that is complete bullsh*t and she is saying that to keep her pride and because she should since she was the one to end things. If I am entitled to do what makes me happy, does that mean she wonders if me I would still be happiest with her?? I'm glad to hear she is not angry with me to the point that we are on bad terms, and I believe she speaks about friendship in the future because she wants that. Whether or not I will want that in the future is to be decided.... However, the most interesting line in her email is the one where she says "If I don't answer your calls it's because I don't think it's realistic for us to be friends right now." She did not state it that it is not realistic for us to be friends right now so respect where I am at and I will contact you when I am ready. I feel there is a big difference there. I feel like she is not explicitly saying don't contact me right now, even though I believe she wants some time with NC to evaluate things because she wants to gauge where I am at based on how long it takes he to get back to her.

 

My conclusions? She is still emotionally connected to me right now but her head is telling her that she should not get back together with me. Even though I got this email which seems to be real bad news at first glance, I feel like I have shifted momentum, regained a great deal of power and taken much control back from her, and am probably at the best point in terms of reconciliation since the breakup. I believe in NC and I feel like she has setup an ideal situation for me to commence with it. She may very well want NC right now, but I believe in 2-3 weeks she will turn from being relieved to asking herself why I haven't called or contacted her. She may ask herself, is he over me? Is he not contacting because things are developing with the new girl? My first goal is to get through one week of NC contact and then keep it going from there.

 

Any insight or advice would be much appreciated, especially if you can give a balanced jdugement on what seems to be bad ANd what seems to be good things based on her email.

 

Keep on keepin on all you out there......