BAD Day. Need Some Encouragement

[rachel1256]

Im sorry to post so frequent, but I really blew it yesterday, and just need some encouragement to get it together again.

 

In my last post, I said my ex called me Monday, I didn't answer, and he left a message sounding pretty down, saying he wrote me an email, doesn't know where I am, what I'm doing..... I blocked him from my email, so I never knew what it said..

 

Anyways, I called him back, and he was with his buddy so I told him to call me when his friend left. He said ok. Never heard back from him. I didn't let it get to me at first, but after 2 days and him not calling back, I became upset...

 

I made the HUGE mistake in a weak moment, of looking at his dating profile, and sure enough, he was "online now" It made me so upset, I emailed him and asked him how he could do such a thing after just week! I asked him why he was calling me, texting and emailing me he missed me, yet never SHOWING it, then going on a dating sight. I said there was need to ever contact me again.

 

He hasn't contacted at all, and I feel awful again. I was doing so well... I guess I just need some encouragement to get back on my feet and be really strong again.

 

Thank you again

[Scout]

Hi Rachel,

 

Well, to be honest it's kind of expected to have a slip-up, so please stop beating yourself up for it. Let me give you a couple of reasons that may explain what is going on here:

 

1) Although the routine of your relationship was an incredibly negative, hurtful one, you got used to it. Including the break-ups...in the past, he would go on his merry way and start dating others, you would get upset, he would come back. This is a routine that was very damaging for you emotionally, but nevertheless, it was a routine...a habit...and you are still in the process of "unconditioning" that habit.

 

2) Ok, and this one is a little hard, so brace yourself: Rachel, you invested a lot in a man that ultimately, has little if any real love for you. I doubt this man could ever truly love anyone. What he loved was the control he had over you, and he is seeing now that his old tricks still work to get you to come crawling back. What I think is hard for you to deal with is really facing this, once and for all. Because you invested so much in this relationship (including your self-esteem). It's very hard to admit that you put so much effort into something so pointless, I know. I've been there. So, you are still struggling with connecting the fantasy to the reality.

 

If I were you, I would read back over every thread you have written about this man, and every private message correspondence you've had with some of us about him. Keep reading these things, so that the reality of your relationship with him will become clearer and clearer, and ultimately overshadow any remaining fantasy you have left that any outcome can ever be different from what they have always been in the past.

[kellbell]

Hi Rach!

 

Do not beat yourself over this. Everyone make boo-boos from time to time, it's okay. No one is perfect. The good thing good is that a person can learn from making mistakes and keep in mind how he/she felt when the mistake was made.

 

Also, I advise you to stay away from that website. No good is coming out of you looking at his profile, it has been toying with you for the last week now. Keep yourself busy with other things. It's summer! Go and have fun girl!

[Scout]

Keep yourself busy with other things. It's summer! Go and have fun girl!

 

Agreed! Pick a couple of new activities you haven't done before...for example, volunteering can be really fun in the summertime. Did you know there are many outdoor groups that volunteer to upkeep, maintain public trails in the National Forests? (Cute guys may be involved in that, too!

 

Seriously, start thinking about some things you've always wanted to learn how to do, or places you've wanted to visit...and do them! Life goes by so fast. Please, get back out there and you will find you are actually enjoying it. Keep yourself busy with things that make you feel good about yourself. This is so key to the process of unconditioning all the negativity you've experienced in this relationship.

[kellbell]

Scout is right...

 

After I ended my 4 year relationship last year, I did things I wanted to do...I traveled (went to Arizona and Denver), went back to the gym, started going out more, started getting back into my hobbies, such as baking and scrapbooking. And I bought a KITTEN!!! I am very allergic (take my pills religiously). My ex HATED cats...so I did what I WANTED to do. I love my kitty, he is the best therapy in the world. I have been better than ever. Life is yours for the taking my friend.

[rachel1256]

Thank you so much for the replies! I feel better already. I really do...

 

Just to make sure, he is not worth any effort on my part, and his going on the dating sight makes it not even worth ever talking to him ever again? I don't know if I will ever hear from him again, but if he does call, I guess its not even worth answering.

 

The fact that he is either really dating other girls already, or just trying to make me see his profile, they're both sick.

 

I feel like changing my number and email, yet I dont want anyone at my home have to deal with him if he tries that number. Who knows, maybe he found another girl, and won't bother me ever again.

[Scout]

Actually, Rachel, what makes him not worth talking to ever again is the fact he was abusive to you when you were with him. If he calls or emails, you shouldn't respond because you are gambling with your physical, mental, and emotional safety every time you get back involved with him.

 

What is it about this man that makes you want to hold on to him?

[rachel1256]

Good question Scout. He had his good moments, but that sounds silly as I type it, because of how he has treated me. I really don't know why...

You really made some good points, you too Kellbell. NO more paying attention to his lame dating attempts, and even if he does get a girl off of the site, it shouldn't matter to me. He will most likey treat her just as bad.

Thanks for the advice!

[rachel1256]

One more question I have: DO you think his last stint, being online all the time on that dating sight, then ignoring me, not calling me back, means he is done with me for good?

 

I just want to know if its worth it to change my number/email, or if doing this means he doesn't want anything to do with me?

 

Thanks

[Spugly Fuglet]

Rachel,

It will get better your pulling your self throw this fine.

 

Next day will be a good one

[Hope75]

One more question I have: DO you think his last stint, being online all the time on that dating sight, then ignoring me, not calling me back, means he is done with me for good?

 

I just want to know if its worth it to change my number/email, or if doing this means he doesn't want anything to do with me?

 

Thanks

 

Hi there Rachel,

 

I seem to remember us having some lengthy PM's regarding this.

 

Hon, I realize how difficult this is for you, but you HAVE to stop overanalyzing what HE'S doing now that he's out of your life. Instead, focus on what YOU are doing to keep busy and start the process of healing and letting him go.

 

If he were a good boyfriend who was worth holding onto, he would have treated you with love, respect, and kindness while you were together. He didn't. He showed you with his actions that he is either incapable of treating any women the right way, or that you were just not worth it to him. (ouch, I'm sorry Either way, he is toxic to you and that's why you let him go-- because you KNOW that deep down.

 

The longer you check his site and buy into his tricks of trying to get you to come around checking up on him, the more you allow yourself to be disrespected and hurt. Scout brought up a great point that every time you get back involved with him that you gamble your safety and well being. You are so busy checking up on him and what he's doing-- who is watching out for YOU??

 

If your sister or your best friend were going through this, what advice would you give them?

[iceman85]

Rachel your a wonderful person and he doesnt deserve you. If he treated you so badly he threw something great away with you and hopefully one day he sees that. Right now hes not going to though, if you stop feeding into his games maybe he will get the picture. As hard as it is to not look at our ex's websites you need to not do it. Its only for the best. If your tempted to STOP yourself and ask what looking at that page will do to you. It wont bring anything good will it?

 

Just slowly try to make each day better and better, do things you like, remember that there are tons of guys out there who would be very lucky to be with someone like you and that your ex, while very signifigant to you, is just one guy out of many, he didnt realize what he lost so try your best to just be that wonderful person you are.

[rachel1256]

You have all made a great point that made me realize how much I was obsessing over him, his whereabouts, and not moving on.

 

I just feel so dumb because last night I gave into his ploy, and by his non response, thats exactly what he wanted.

 

I make a promise here, I will not look at his lame profile, nor care what he does anymore.

 

All of your kind words, iceman, hope, kellbell, scout, and everyone else, have really encouraged me. Im smiling now, and I know I will be strong soon like I was. He isn't worth it! He will treat all women like me, and neither i, nor the next woman will ever make him truly happy.

[andrew05151]

Yeah, exactly. I know that it's so tempting to check the site...to look at the profiles...I'm tempted to do it myself, all of the time I am online. I'm at work now, 8.5 hour days...on a computer. The days are slow...lots of free online time...it's SO tempting to just take a peek.

 

But, when I fall for the temptation, I can feel my progress I'm very slowly making slipping away rapidly. That feeling in my chest explodes, I get sick, I nearly puke.

 

So, just don't look. You know there's not going to be anything on there that will make it better. They won't have some wonderful love poem about you...so, you gotta just let it go...

[Scout]

I just feel so dumb because last night I gave into his ploy, and by his non response, thats exactly what he wanted.

 

Ok, but you only get to feel dumb for five minutes, and that's it! Part of cutting out an abuser from your life is to not replace his put-downs, insults, and negativity with your own. Ok?

[rachel1256]

Thank you! I will not dwell on my mistakes, or him being a jerk, anymore. If I do, I will find something to take my mind off of it.

 

When I do start thinking of all we did together, and the good times, what should I do instead?

[Scout]

Like I said before, just re-read your threads and private messages. Or, get outside of your house and do something active to get your mind off it. In the beginning of this thread, Kell and I stressed the importance of getting involved with new things and activities ASAP. This will also prevent you from spending long idle times of thinking about this guy.

[kellbell]

Rachel,

 

You are NOT dumb, you are HUMAN!! Give yourself a break. We have done what you are doing at some point or another but as you can see, life goes on and all is okay.

 

But go out, get some sun girl! You will be alright, I promise.

[rachel1256]

Thanks! I will be ok soon, in fact, I feel SO much better already. I have been going out, I went on that date yesterday, and he was super nice! We are in the process of planning our second date. My girlfriends are also helping me too.

 

He has not called yet, and I guarantee even if he texts, calls, or emails, I WILL NOT respond. To think I felt bad yesterday...

 

I appreciate every single post, and each has really helped me to move forward, and also to see that I DO NOT need this man in my life, nor should I let him bother me.

[Beyondthesea]

Rachel, you are doing really well. Just be sure to avoid all contact with him and don't bother seeing 'how he's doing.' You know full well who he is inside, but are holding on to the hope that he is 'good inside' and will regret his actions. I can sadly guarantee that is not true

 

But you have us, your friends, family, God, and most importantly, FREEDOM.

 

Love and prayers for you

[rachel1256]

Thanks for the support. I understand. What I don't understand is why he even "strung me along" in the first place, by calling me Monday, then texting me earlier last week saying he missed me. Why doesn't he just forget me, and move onto the next girl he is so eagerly looking for online.

 

I haven't looked at his profile once today, nor cared that he hasn't called. It gets easier, I did what I did, and at least he knows im disgusted with him. Its sad that he may still think I will come back to him.

[Scout]

Thanks for the support. I understand. What I don't understand is why he even "strung me along" in the first place, by calling me Monday, then texting me earlier last week saying he missed me. Why doesn't he just forget me, and move onto the next girl he is so eagerly looking for online.

 

I've tried to explain this a few times now. Rachel, you should try to keep in mind that it's all about control for him. This is why abusers abuse! To control. And most of his actions and behaviors are geared towards controlling or manipulating you. It is enjoyable for him to call you and see you come running back. It is enjoyable for him to publicize his dating attempts on sites he knows you check up on and then see the rise it gets out of you.

 

If he knew you were wondering over and over why is he doing this - oh, boy would he enjoy that, too!

 

Why does he enjoy all this? Because he's a cruel person.

[Beyondthesea]

Exactly. He doesn't give a rat's tail about you. He just wants to control you, and by constantly making you think of him, he's doing that.

[Scout]

Another thing...I do feel you're holding on to the hope that secretly he's good inside, and really misses you.

 

Rachel, in a "normal" relationship when misunderstandings occur that lead to breaks, communication breakdowns, etc., one of the parties does not immediately put up a profile on a dating site. Nor do they call to lead the other person on, only to blow them off when the other person tries to get in touch.

 

They don't play these cruel games - because they actually miss, respect, and love their partner, and truly want to work things out.

 

You know in your heart the answers. The guy is just not a good person, at all. There is something fundamentally wrong with him that years of therapy might not even be able to fix, let alone a patient girlfriend willing to accept his abusive behavior.

[rachel1256]

I do see this now. You have all really put into perspective what is really happening, and I either did not chose to believe it, or didn't fully grasp it until this week of not talking, and watching all the games he plays.

 

I will be honest and did put too much hope into him, as I do everyone, mostly seeing the good side. In Italy for example, I almost gave a Gypsy money thinking she was some poor girl, until my friend, who had been there many times before, grabbed me away from the situation. I guess my point being is I hate when people are hurting, and I was brought up in a great, close family where we always talked things out, and things were better. When someone was hurt or angry, we would say so, and things were solved so quickly.

I was honestly trying to figure this guy out, because his methods of handling problems were so foreign to me I thought for sure he could change once he saw how much I loved him. How silly do I sound? I won't be that vulnerable, naive woman ever again.

 

It's funny, because there are 2 guys that have liked me since I'vee been with my ex, 2 very nice men, yet I chose to stick with the one I hoped would BECOME a nice man, who may eventually understand he had a girl who loved him, stuck with him through so much. I know now that will never happen.

 

I have to say after reading everyone's posts, I feel SO much better. Thank you all again for your help. I read each post over, and appreciate everyone.