Well...Now What?

[Hurting4Sure]

My "wife" was supposed to go see her internet boyfriend overseas this weekend, and well he did not come through with the ticket as promised. I also found out he is still married and living with his wife. We are separated, becasue of the situation. At first she said if he did not come through with the ticket, she was changing her phone number etc. etc. Well now she says he just won't call her and she does not need to change it.

 

The real problem is I have been doing Lc, preparing myself for her trip etc. and feeling pretty good, now she is not going which is also want I want, becasue I thought there would be no chance for us ever is she met him. Well now she is kinda all over me, wanting to go swimming, we went out to eat for fathers day, we were intamite, but she wants to take it slow, which I understand, but you guys warned me on this board about feeling like second choice and I guess thats my problem. I feel weird I guess. All her family and friends knew she was going to see him and they are like ohhhh sorry you did'nt get to go, like I am the only one that it sounds crazy to?

 

I feel like the other guy, I am not confident that if he calls she wont talk to him, I mean after all she would have went to see him. While we were together she said " its just a shame I talked to him all these years and wee never met" I am like thinking whatever! I guess I am upset becasue I got no I am sorry, that was a mistake, or anything like that, just here I am. Lets be friends and see what happens.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

I would be very careful here. She may be affectionate because Plan A was a bust....she is moving on to Plan B...you. I do not mean to be harsh but I see this kind if situation here all the time. Do not let her treat you like a security blanket or use you as an emotional crutch so she can find someone else.

 

Have you thought about counselling? For yourself, or together with her? IMO, you hold all the cards right now and she needs to work harder than that to earn your trust and respect back. What her family said about her not going is just appaulling, which that is going to make a reconcillation that much more difficult. Her family was rooting for the other guy. Sheesh...how awkward! I feel she needs to put in more of an effort than she has.

[RayKay]

You are the backup plan...how horrible is that comment:

 

" its just a shame I talked to him all these years and wee never met"

 

It to me seems like she is TOTALLY absolving herself of any responsibility in this and she seems to have absolutely nor remorse or consideration for you and her family.

 

I REALLY suggest you go to counselling for yourself, I really think you need to sort through all these emotions, and maybe get a clearer perspective on this situation. This is a very messed up situation in my opinion, and I really think that she is very likely to do it again with this guy or someone else too, given she really does not seem to care about this marriage unless she has no other "option".

[iceman85]

Wow that is horrible to read how her family backed her up there and how she feels seemingly no remorse for what shes done. It really makes me think is there some issue that she has with your relationship? Because if there is, maybe she said something to the family to justify her actions. Did her family originally like you? Still its sickening for them to say that, marraige should be something held sacred not just thrown away.

 

I'm glad for you that she didnt actually take that trip, however using you as her fallback isnt good either. I want to say let her know that your not going to be her backup plan and that she needs to make you the first person in her life. However this situation is so delicate. Counseling may help but if she doesnt think shes wrong in her mind it may not. Just take things really slow, try and be strong and show her who the better man in all of this is.

[AwdreeHpburn]

I'm sorry dude. I understand your hesitation. I agree with all so far who are saying be really careful, go slow and remember your feelings.

[annie24]

While we were together she said " its just a shame I talked to him all these years and wee never met" I am like thinking whatever! I guess I am upset becasue I got no I am sorry, that was a mistake, or anything like that, just here I am. Lets be friends and see what happens.

 

This is so disgusting!

 

I can't believe she said this to you!

 

You are her husband, and she feels like sad that she didn't get to meet him?

 

She is in a fantasy land. And you don't exist in it. it is as if she is a love-struck teenager, who is hoping to meet her favorite celebrity. Her life does not exist beyond her fantasy land.

 

I think she is using and abusing you in the worst way.

 

I'm not a fan of divorce, but I think you should get out now!

[chai714]

Hurting,

 

The problems are not over yet and are far from being resolved. She is disrespecting you and pulling these "in your face" moves. This should not be tolerated. It seems as if you really want to work things out and that's good but you can't go getting stomped on in the process. That is what is happening.

 

You're going to need to basically let her know that this isn't going to work with you, her husband, being her backup guy. You know that you're worth more and she's treating you worse than an animal. You're going to need to exhibit some self-respect here or you're dust. She will continue to walk all over you and step far over the line.

 

How would I do this? I would do what I call, a bluffish move. I'd tell her, "this isn't going to work, I'm going to talk to my lawyer and you can talk to yours." See how she reacts and more importantly, see if she is sincere. I think she knows she can walk all over you. You're going to need to train her brain that she can't and the only way to do this is by taking the initiative and putting a stop to this.

[rnorth]

Do you want to save your marriage? Because if you do read this:

GET MARRIAGE COUNSELING

 

Find someone reputable. If not for yourself, your wife and your marriage, at least do it for the kids' sake.

 

You are going to have to deal with your legitimate feelings of betrayal. The suggestions on this board are from people dealing with their own hurts and aren't necessarily the most unbiased viewpoints.

 

If she is willing to go through with counseling, then you will know if she is serious at least attempting to heal your marriage.

[Beyondthesea]

I would not bother with marriage counseling. You have been chosen purely because the other guy isn't available! That's sick!

 

Drop her, move on with your life. She will find someone else to latch onto now, she is looking for someone, anyone. You are only second best.

 

Don't let her do this to you.

[annie24]

If she's waiting on plane tickets from another man she has never met.... maybe things have gone beyond the point of repair.....

[Cute Band Rat]

Hurting no offense but if you stay with this witch, you have only yourself to blame for being treated like crap...which is EXACTLY what she's doing. Every minute you stay with this woman is another minute you are holding yourself back from finding someone you deserve.

[chai714]

The suggestions on this board are from people dealing with their own hurts and aren't necessarily the most unbiased viewpoints.

 

Some people are going through their own crisis, some are not. There are many clear-thinking, level-headed people here though too who offer their wisdom freely and generously. Many are unbiased and each person will offer advice based on his own experiences.

[RayKay]

Some people are going through their own crisis, some are not. There are many clear-thinking, level-headed people here though too who offer their wisdom freely and generously. Many are unbiased and each person will offer advice based on his own experiences.

 

Ditto, I am not going through any "hurts", I just don't think that the fact this has gone on for YEARS, and she is totally unapologetic is exactly a "positive" sign. I don't think it takes someone going through "hurts and their own crisis" to feel that this is extremely selfish behaviour.

 

How much longer should he be walked all over?

 

If she shows remorse and a willingness to change, that's one thing. If she expects him just to forget all about it, no questions asked and without an apology - well, that's something else entirely. So far, she has been in the latter the last few years of this "emotional affair".

[rnorth]

I meant no offense by my statements. I am saying simply that he needs to do some exploration here and a counselor; perhaps not a marriage counselor, but someone professional could help him at least deal with his own feelings of betrayal.

 

I don't happen to think the marriage is unsalvageable. If she realizes how selfish she is at some point, becomes truly repentant and wants to genuinely work things out, there is a chance here. I do think to make a blanket statement just to dump her when there are children involved and part of your life is invested, is hasty.

[kellbell]

rnorth,

 

Did you go back and read ALL of his posts? This has been going on for quite some time. This is not 2-week fluke. And if she is not willing to take on ANY responsibilty for this...then the situation is hopeless...very one-sided.

[RayKay]

I meant no offense by my statements. I am saying simply that he needs to do some exploration here and a counselor; perhaps not a marriage counselor, but someone professional could help him at least deal with his own feelings of betrayal.

 

I don't happen to think the marriage is unsalvageable. If she realizes how selfish she is at some point, becomes truly repentant and wants to genuinely work things out, there is a chance here. I do think to make a blanket statement just to dump her when there are children involved and part of your life is invested, is hasty.

 

 

How long should he wait for that "some point" to happen? This has been going on a long time, she has been telling him for ages she is going to leave him and go off and live with this guy, and take the children and be a family. Heck she told the children about their "new future daddy" essentially! I have not seen anything that says she genuinely wants to work things out, she just wants a backup because she was "dumped". She has not even said "I am sorry for dragging you through the mud the last few years".

 

I agree he needs serious counselling, and I suggested so, but I think right now the focus has to be on getting some perspective and sorting through his emotions - not with the focus goal being to salvage this.

[Beyondthesea]

I still stick with this is unfixable. She is using him until she can find a 'suitable' replacement for her relationship addiction...or should I say attention addiction?

 

North if you had followed the story the way we have, you would also be saying this isn't salvagable. Why belittle yourself any longer? He has been waiting for her forever. That's long enough to say that she doesn't love him.

[Hurting4Sure]

I am listeneing to all your advice, I am not sure if this is fixable or not. We have had some good talks to this point and she says she now realizes that it was a "fantasy", I guess. I am not sure, about this situation she is really crazy!! Normally she is an awesome smart woman.

 

Now, let me tell you guys the real story, as she has told me. You guys ready..... She has been talking to him for a long time, fell in "love" with him and wanted to meet him. Well here is the kicker, she put him against the wall about buying the ticket to bring her there, and he did not pull it off! Why you guys may ask....

 

This is the part I cannot believe, HE STILL LIVES WITH HIS WIFE!! They were going to meet in a hotel room for a week? She thought she would marry this guy, he would be a good stepdad etc.. She fell for this hook line and sinker, now I am not sure what the guy was getting out of this, other than talking to someone on the internet and phone. I am sure it was all the compliments etc...

 

I am taking it slow, I feel bad for her, almost too bad to be with her becasue this was not the woman I married, that would travel to another country to be with a married man. I thought she was smarter than that. I guess love is blind and stupid...

[Beyondthesea]

Friend, completely up to you, but I wouldn't go back and be made a fool of again. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. She's been stringing you along for far too long. She kept you on the side just as we predicted, so that if her affair didn't work out she would be able to go back to you and still be looked after. Nice.