When does the regret end?

[Suzanne1281]

I was with my boyfriend on and off for 2.5 years. I just broke up with him on Monday. It was a pretty bad 2.5 years. I got together with him when I was just coming out of depression caused by my father commiting suicide a couple years earlier. I had been through many bad breakups and getting cheated on before him too. He treated me pretty badly and I took it. I was too weak to break up with him, and i was scared to death to go back into depression. I know it was also a separation anxiety thing caused by losing my dad too. So we were on and off for a while. Last spring a nice wonderful guy who was so much better for me came into the picture. I would flirt with him and tell our mutual friends how much I liked him but I kept going back to my boyfriend!!! Last summer I broke up with my boyfriend for this nice guy and my boyfriend was threatening to kill himself if I didn't give him a second chance. I couldn't let that happen, I was too traumatized by what happened with my dad so I went back to him. IT's been almost a year and I finally got away last Monday. It is pretty mutual this time although I still get a nasty email every other day from him. My problem is: I regret my actions so much! I should have gone with that other guy who told me he liked me and understood why i had stayed with Paul...he was right there for my taking and I blew it. We remained friendly but last Wednesday I told him I was single and now he won't even look at me. I know there's no chance with him, I hurt him enough. But when will this regret end? I keep telling myself at least I learned from the experience and I won't do it again and it made me stronger but....I'm going to regret giving up this other guy and making him hate me for a long time I think. I'm so angry at myself and I can't stop. Should I apologize to the nice guy? I'm such a jerk! When does the regret end?

[babybees]

In my opinion, I think you can apologize with the nice guy. He knew your situation before with your x at that time right? And did you know that you had the depression problem before as well. If the nice guy knew all of your situation at that time, and were still upset because you chose your x over him at that time right now..probably he doesn't like you as much. Because if he is single right now, and he knows you're single. That means he will have the chance again right? You have to mention that you're not going to go back with your x though no matter how bad your x will threaten you with this time.

 

If then the nice guy still doesn't want you, then you should stop your regret over not being with the nice guy last time. Because you give him the chance right now and he refused it. so it's not your fault anymore. You've tried!

 

Do you remember this quote: "when you really love someone, you let him go. If he comes back for you, then he's yours, but if he never comes back, he's not yours"

 

So, if he really loves you and let you go last time, then he should know, that you come back for him this time. If he refused/rejected you. Then you know "your regret ends"

 

Don't ever think about "what if". Because you gave him the chance right now.

 

btw, is he still single? all these times, im thinking he's still single.

if he has someoneelse right now, you might have a regret. But the regret will end when you meet someone new which as good as him or even better.

But you can always be friends with him and tell him you were sorry about last time.

 

hope it helps.

 

-babybees

[nottoogreen]

Hi Suzanne,

 

It is regretable you hung on to the wrong guy. Have a look at the loser article in my sig to prevent picking up someone else like him.

 

The nice guy not looking at you now is understandable as his feelings have changed by now.

 

You have much bottled up about your fathers death and past guys, and these feelings hold you back and hurt you.

 

It would be good for you now if you could "cry on our shoulder here" and set your feelings free. We are happy to listen.

[anonymous_presence]

The regret ends only when you understand and come to accept your actions, which is by no means an easy process. I think you have to give yourself a lot more credit - you were in an incredibly difficult situation and had to deal with a lot of emotional stress, what with the loss of your father and then winding up with a bad boyfriend.

 

It would help speed up to process if you severed off all ties with him. Is he still emailing you nasty letters every couple of days? Block him, get him out of your life. You have no need for him, and by making this absolutely physically clear (burn all his possessions that you still have, if you have to!), you'll get a sense of closure and will heal more quickly. By putting a bad relationship behind you, you can stop feeling remorse over it.

 

What your ex did was unforgivable, to use your father's passing as leverage to get you back. I find that shocking! You need to realize that he took advantage of you, and that the decisions you made didn't reflect a conscious choice on your behalf to stay with the bad guy and let the good one get away, but a choice based on fear. You have to rationalize your behavior and realize that you did the best you could do at those times at which you were grieving over your loss.

 

The concept of being victimized probably isn't any easier to cope with, but it can be comforting knowing that you weren't responsible for it. What you are now responsible for is taking over the course of your future. The best way to put the ugliness of the past behind is to make amends and have a positive outlook for the future. That means talking to the nice guy and mending your friendship.

 

What happened is no reason to break a friendship - if he's a truly nice guy, he'll understand what happened to you and why you acted the way you did. As long as you didn't run back to him the second you were single and make him feel like a Plan B guy, then there's no reason for the grudge given what you've told us. He's probably just confused about what's happened and isn't sure how to proceed. So talk to him and clarify things. Take things slowly - don't dive straight for the gold (you just got out of a relationship; you need time to heal!), but take things slowly and work on your friendship. Let things happen spontaneously before actively pursuing something with him when you're good and ready for it and if he still wants it.

 

Stop being angry with yourself! You should be angry at your ex, if anyone, for what he did. I think you need some time to sort out your past and find your self worth after all the bad relationships you've been in. Maybe you want to talk to a therapist about it if things get difficult to deal with. Your attitude that things make you stronger is great! But you have to make sure that you fully metabolize those things before you set them aside. What concerns me is this streak of bad relationships and being cheating on. You may need a counsellor to sort out your wants and prevent the streak from continuing.

[Suzanne1281]

Thank you everyone for your advice. I definitely have taken some of the anger off of myself and realized I was victimized by my ex. I have cut off all contact with him even when he sends me nasty emails.

 

As for the nice guy I think I know what happened. I think when I told him I was single he took it as me running to him as Plan B. I also asked one of our mutual friends if he was going out with anyone now and she must have told him. I'd be mad too if I were him I think. It was like 2 days after I broke up with my ex and I think I may have been in "rebound" state of mind. oops. Ugh what a mess! I dont' think there will be a chance with the nice guy now. Well at least I know what kind of qualities I want to find in a guy now.

[nottoogreen]

Suzanne, be patient, resolve your issues first and keep an eye on the nice guy. He did you both of you a big favor by turning you away. If you are meant to be together, it will be, but take it slow.

 

In any case, given patience and wisdom, you will find your prince.