bebecole Posted June 17, 2006 Share Posted June 17, 2006 okay well i want to start dating again even though me and my boyfriend are on a "break" i want some type of socialization with other men! just to see whats out there and what they have to offer! i have a really hard time trusting people in genral let alone men.. and im kinda scared to get to close to someone.. how can i get myself to get out their and meet respectable guys, i dont even know where to begin or where to even meet someone.. ive been in a relationship for so long.. and all my friends are in a relationship already so its not like they go out anymore with the girls and look for guys!! im twenty years old and i seem kinda out of the loop already!.. what can i do! Link to comment
DN Posted June 17, 2006 Share Posted June 17, 2006 Did you agree with your b/f that you would both date other people while on the break? If the plan is to get back together with him be careful that you don't mislead some guy into thinking you are available for a relationship if you may not be. Link to comment
ElektraHere Posted June 17, 2006 Share Posted June 17, 2006 Bebe, Why do you need to get close to someone? You say that you and your b/f are on a break and you want to see what out there. Have fun with it and just go with the flow. Can I ask why is it so imperative that you are with someone? If you have been in a relationship for so long why not try it solo for awhile? Get to know what it is you want to do. Just my two cents Link to comment
bebecole Posted June 17, 2006 Author Share Posted June 17, 2006 we have been on a break for over 6months and things arent looking up. he says were still not through. but im sick of waiting around. i dont want a relationship but my b/f has been away for so long becuase hes in the military.. in a way all i want is affection. im not looking to get into another relationship but im so damn lonely! Link to comment
DN Posted June 17, 2006 Share Posted June 17, 2006 Seems to me you need to decide after six months if you want him or if you want a break-up. But whatever you want you should tell him - otherwise you are not being fair or honest. This is especially the case when he is away in the military and you two can't communicate properly. Link to comment
ElektraHere Posted June 17, 2006 Share Posted June 17, 2006 Being lonely sucks!! However, you are so young and have so much that you can do without someone. You live in NYC right? There is soooo much there for a person to get involved with. You will probably surprise yourself at some of the stuff you find and would enjoy. As for the b/f not saying your done, what is he waiting for? How can one know when a dead relationship is done? If you have been on a break for that long I would assume it is done. All my friends are married, having babies, or they have b/f's. I at first was soooo jealous and lonely. Then I thought they are envious of my life too. I have no responsibilities to anyone but myself. I enjoy my solitude as much as I enjoy going out with my friends. I believe that you can conquer your loneliness by yourself and not with a warm body next to you Link to comment
bebecole Posted June 17, 2006 Author Share Posted June 17, 2006 ive tried talking to him and the problem is we got into a little fight over memorial day weekend and ive tried to call him to talk to him about it and hes ignoring my calls that was almost 4 weeks ago since ive talked to him but last week he talked to my friend about our situation and he told her that our relationship isnt over with and its not done!! so i really dont know what to do. he says were not over with but wont return my calls?? thats why in a way i want to move on!! Link to comment
bebecole Posted June 17, 2006 Author Share Posted June 17, 2006 if it was up to me i would be with him but i cant force someone on me. its just gona make it worse so i figure i need to get over this instead of dwelling Link to comment
friscodj Posted June 17, 2006 Share Posted June 17, 2006 Why do you need to get close to someone? Excellent point. The person you should always be closest to is yourself because you and yourself are stuck with each other forever... You mention you have trust issues? Why don't you take some time, work on these issues, enjoy being single, strengthen the bonds with yourself, friends, and family, and don't worry about anything! You're young, pretty, no need to rush or force relationship matters. People seem to fear lonliness but I suspect that is because they are uncomfortable with and/or get bored with themselves and their own lives. I bet if you focus on you for a while, the relationship aspect of your life will fall into place. I've seen it happen a million and one times... Link to comment
WantToBeLuved Posted June 17, 2006 Share Posted June 17, 2006 I have my days when I really want to be left alone. And believe me, those days are great. I really enjoy them espeically since I just moved into my own place. But there are those lonely days to deal with and they can really be tough. I don't blame her. Even though I enjoy being alone, I also enjoy being around someone else. They're two different experiences (IMO) and some days, I crave one more then the other. Link to comment
ElektraHere Posted June 17, 2006 Share Posted June 17, 2006 It seems like he is stringing you along. I think that being alone for the moment is your best bet. It will be the greatest gift you can give to yourself. Link to comment
bebecole Posted June 17, 2006 Author Share Posted June 17, 2006 well ive been alone for the longest time, i dont go out with my friends anymore.. until just recently me and my brother girlfriend got close. i havent seen my boyfriend for over 5months. and it sounds pathdic but i really dont hang out with anyone!!! one of my good friends that i got really close to the last few months just left for the marines. so i feel like everyone is leaving and ive been just hangin out by myself. dont get me wrong i like being by myself when i need time to relax. Link to comment
ElektraHere Posted June 17, 2006 Share Posted June 17, 2006 I just think you need to cut the ties with the b/f. It does you no good to wait until he decides if the relationship is over. It sounds pretty much over to me. Girl you live in NYC there HAS to be something for you to get involved with. You say you have been alone for the longest time....is that 6 months? That really isnt very long in the grand scheme of things. How long have you been with this guy and were you with someone prior? Your own quote's say it all "The only people you need in your life; are the ones that need you in theirs." It seems your b/f only needs you when its convienent for him. "Believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said that life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it." Link to comment
DN Posted June 17, 2006 Share Posted June 17, 2006 Is he in the military in Iraq or somewhere like that? Link to comment
friscodj Posted June 17, 2006 Share Posted June 17, 2006 I have my days when I really want to be left alone. And believe me, those days are great. I really enjoy them espeically since I just moved into my own place. But there are those lonely days to deal with and they can really be tough. I don't blame her. Even though I enjoy being alone, I also enjoy being around someone else. They're two different experiences (IMO) and some days, I crave one more then the other. Friends and family are great gifts in life! Also, I think a subtle point has been raised here. Do you want a boyfriend/girlfriend because you don't want to feel lonely? Or do you want to be with a specific person because you really feel strongly in that one person? I think focusing on the lonliness makes one more apt to "settle" in a relationship and raises the issue of "being in love with being in love" or "being in love with the idea" of someone vs. "being in love with them the person". So you want to dispel the little bit of need that comes with lonliness by strengthening the bonds with yourself, friends, and family. I think after that then you can share your life and happiness with that magical person instead of making "someone" the source of it. Link to comment
bebecole Posted June 17, 2006 Author Share Posted June 17, 2006 thanks elekra.. we have been together for almost 3 years, piror to our relationship we were friends for 3 years before we got together.. so we've known each other for 6years. the only reason we werent together sooner was i was to young and we remained friends (hes 3 years older than me) yes i should cut my ties with him.. but its not just that easy hes my first everything. i wasnt in a relationship before him, i would be a causal dater and i loved it. Link to comment
bebecole Posted June 17, 2006 Author Share Posted June 17, 2006 Is he in the military in Iraq or somewhere like that? hes not in iraq.. he takes 6month+ tours.. hes in the alantic fleet so he goes to europe. hes in the navy. Link to comment
ElektraHere Posted June 17, 2006 Share Posted June 17, 2006 Firsts are memorable but they also dont have to be lasts. You say you loved casually dating then cut the ties and be happy. Yes its hard but in order for you to move ahead it is imperative you cut the ties. Link to comment
bebecole Posted June 17, 2006 Author Share Posted June 17, 2006 im lonely for the reason that my friends havent been around. and im lonely b/c i am in love with this person and thats what i miss. its not that i want to be in love just for the heck of being in love. its just that hes always away that i miss. ive been trying to get intouch with myself. More of the spirtual side. ive recently started going back to church. but i find myself getting even more confused trying to do so and then i start driving myself crazii. Link to comment
friscodj Posted June 17, 2006 Share Posted June 17, 2006 but its not just that easy hes my first everything. Yeah, I know how you feel. Firsts are tough in relationships. You've established a bond with this person based on this fact alone, in addition to the closeness and sharing that comes with a relationship in general. When my "first" and I split 10 years ago, I experienced new levels of hurt and suffering. I just didn't think I could hurt that much. It was one of the worst times of my life but I turned out alright...I think... And now, when I look back on that situation, or talk to/see that person again, I think to myself, What the HELL was I THINKING???? Look, it won't be easy but look at it like this. The longer you drag this out, the harder it will be. And be thankful you came to this realization now and not after you guys had a mortgage, car payment, kids, etc. together. Link to comment
WantToBeLuved Posted June 17, 2006 Share Posted June 17, 2006 Well personally, I don't have the greatest relationship with a lot of my family. A lot of the time, I would rather just be around cool people instead of my uncool family. I do argee with you on your other point though. I'm not longing for one specific person. I just want to meet someone I can share my life experiences with. bebe, if you are just missing this one guy, going out and finding someone else is just not going to work for you. At least not right now. Yeah, you'll meet someone and you may actually like him. But if you're longing for someone else, anyone but that person just isn't going to do and will be temporary at best. I know first hand, you can't make someone forget about an old boyfriend. That person just has to "forget" on there own. Link to comment
friscodj Posted June 17, 2006 Share Posted June 17, 2006 Let me amend that statement to read, "Family and/or friends". I'm not real close with my family either, but some people are very close. The point was to find a source to dispel the lonliness outside of a relationship, whether it be with friends, family, or just being comfortable being your own best friend. Otherwise, you can get tied to the relationship for the wrong reasons...and leads to "settling"... Link to comment
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