The weight issue...

[bzborow1]

Hi all,

 

I've been dating a girl for a year near so yeah, i'd consider it serious. My only problem is that for about 6 months or so now she's basically been eating like crazy...i'm just guessing but it seems like she's put on at least 15 lbs. Not only that, but my friends are starting to make comments about her..."wow, she's got quite the appetite". And it's pretty much all junk food and she just seems too lazy to do anything about it. I guess i'm just frustrated cuz all I see her doing is eating, and when we go to the restaurant she always picks the fattiest thing and orders desert. She's not a big girl, nor am I perfect, but this is starting to bother me a little. I believe she has depression as well...

 

I haven't said anything, but I'd be lying if it isn't a serious concern. How can I bring this up? Is it something that i've basically just gotta live with or cut bait? How can i support?

[monkey1]

Hmm, touchy when it comes to weight issues and a partner.

 

If you think she's depressed, maybe ask if she's doing ok. Maybe say you've noticed that she's been down or not as cheery or what have you. Don't bring up food or weight. At least try to figure out what's wrong and then maybe see what she says.

 

She may be using food as a way to deal with what's really bothering her. We know lots of people use food as their comfort. Maybe she'll mention that she's down because blah blah blah and when she feels like that she eats. Don't say "WOw, my friends and I notice you've been getting a little chunky around the waist!" Suggest that eating when you're upset isn't the best way and that you want to help and support her to find another way to deal when she's down. Possibly try eating healthier WITH her. Go out and play sports, take a walk, and so on.

 

Has something happened to her over the last 6 months?

[bzborow1]

She didn't get into med school, but the eating started before that. I'm worried about her but at the same time I came here for advice because i'm starting to show more and more frustration.

[monkey1]

Well, try not to show how frustrated you are about it to her. Females can be/are sensitive about how we physically look, esp if we've gained some weight.

 

If she sees that you're frustrated, that I think will only make her feel more insecure and think maybe you'll leave her because of how she looks.

 

Just try and talk to her about how she's feeling/doing. It's fine I think if you tell her you're worried about her because it shows you care about her well-being. Hopefully the food issue will come up and she'll be the one who brings it up.

 

Has she made any comments about her eating habits or how she looks lately?

[doyathink]

Umm...could she possibly be pregnant??? It would explain her appetite!

[JustNormal]

If you notice that she has stretch marks on her arms or thighs, she may be a compulsive eater that swings in cycles back and forth. They can't keep it together for extended periods of time and typically under imagined or real stress.

 

If you see the teltale signs that she has done this before, then she probably has. Which means it's a mental thing and she needs counseling by a psychiatrist. They will probably medicate her and not solve the real issue because that profession is mostly bull * * * *, but it's worth a shot. They think they are MD's so they drug everyone that comes in. Anyhow, go see the new witchdoctor with her and see if there are any insurance approved options.

 

Or you can talk to her about it and tell her that not only do you want her to calm down with the eating, but that you want her to go with you to a spa/gym. You can work out and get massages together and have fun playing tennis or jogging and such. Join a club if she's amenable to that.

 

And if none of that works, you can squeal and scream "Oink! Oink! Oink!" whenever she walks by. I think that would be a bit much though- but it would be good for a 3 second laugh. Good luck.

[friscodj]

And if none of that works, you can squeal and scream "Oink! Oink! Oink!" whenever she walks by. I think that would be a bit much though- but it would be good for a 3 second laugh. Good luck.

 

Oh man...I like your sense of humor...

 

And I agree with you about the witchdoctors and the overmedication. I really feel like there's some secret agreement between doctors and pharmaceutical companies to keep America medicated to the gills...

[friscodj]

I've learned you just can't win when it comes to the subject of a woman's weight...always too fat or too thin...

 

Anyway, I really like the ideas about getting to the root of this problem and approaching this as a team by going to the gym, walking, running together, etc. Try that first before going to counseling, etc.

[JustNormal]

I concur with frisco. That's the best way to take her mind off whatever else and get busy getting healthier.

[friscodj]

Now that I think about it, if you start exercising together, what you're really doing is focusing on the weight and not the real problem which is the eating. The eating is the activity that is the problem here.

 

So might start with the, "Is everything OK?" line. Then at some point I think you're going to have to roll the dice and bring up how you notice she's been eating a lot lately. It's the only way, you need to get it out there and start working on it. You kight catch some flack at first, but I think eventually she'll come around if you present yourself in a kind and caring manner...

 

Either that or wait it out and hope she figures it out on her own and takes the initiative herself. Ultimately, she is going to have to make the change herself...she can get help...but she needs to do it herself...no one else is going to do it for her...

[JustNormal]

But if he goes with her to exercise or "play", which is what it really is. He will be having fun with her. That would probably take care of the worry and doubt and other issues driving her eating.

 

Just kids playing outside. How hard is that? Everyone should be that happy with their life and spouse.

[Momene]

The question is what is the problem with someone being overweight? Lots of people are - fact, especially in North America and Europe. Are you worried that it is affecting her health or self-esteem? If so, ask her this and tell her it doesn't make a difference.

 

Are you worried that she'll no longer be a "trophy girl" if she piles on the pounds? If so, you're being shallow.

 

For the record, there are girls that can carry a bit of extra weight and still look stunning (there's even a cult of this called BBW) and the biggest girl I dated was great in bed.

[bebecole]

thats def. a touchy subject..

when my boyfriend use to serve me dinner he'd give me portions for a child..

im like are you seriousss??

i think it was his way of saying you need to loose a little weight.

maybe ask her to go for walks with you just for a little exercise and to stay healthy.. OR if you have the money sign up for the gym and ask her along as workout buddies for something you to could do together!!

thats what me and my boyfriend use to do and it was so much fun!

you just gotta make sure you ask her the right way or she'll take it the wrong way

 

also before and after when females get their period they tend to wana eat all the junk food in site..

maybe you should watch when shes over eating is it when she has her period before and after??

[RayKay]

Definitely start off by "sharing" the changes with her. Tell her you want to live a healthier lifestyle, and start cooking healthy meals and working out and of course invite her along. If she feels it is a way to bond together, she may indeed make big changes willingly, and feel encouraged more and more as she goes along. Seeing the changes is a very big motivator to keep it up. If she is working out, and feeling better, it may translate as well to her eating habits.

 

But, at same time, you definitely have to look at the "root" problem, which may be depression, overal fatigue, low self esteem. So I would definitely attempt to open up the communication about the emotional side of it. While it started before her denial from medical school, I am sure that did not help the situation either!

 

I don't think you are "shallow" for being concerned. Not only is it a health issue, but it also comes down to a lifestyle incompatibility, and ultimately even can affect attraction, as well as her own energy levels (which translates to the bedroom!) and so forth. 15 lbs of fat in 6 months IS a lot, and takes up a lot of space. While weight fluctuations are normal from day to day, during pregnancy of course, during illness, and as you age, I think we all owe it to ourselves to keep ourselves in good shape and health. And, I think it's important we do the same for our partners & our relationship, so we can be healthy and around a long time for our partner, and have the energy to sustain it, and have fun with it too I sure would not drop my partner if he put on some weight for valid reason (ie illness) and I would be supportive and encourage doing the best he could in the circumstances, but I sure would have to talk to him if he suddenly dropped his active lifestyle, became lazy, was eating junk and on his way to a heart attack.

[Cecelius]

Are you worried that she'll no longer be a "trophy girl" if she piles on the pounds? If so, you're being shallow.

 

If it's the reason he's with her is that she's a trophy at all, he's being shallow. if he's worried about her gaining weight and him being progressively less attracted to her, then he's being realistic.

 

There's nothing shallow in being only with someone you are attracted to -- as you say about the larger girls (which can of course be true), there is still attraction.

[bzborow1]

Thanks for the advice guys, I think I just need to be more encouraging and take somewhat of a lead in the issue. As for the health thing, i've had heart surgeries so keeping healthy is big for me. But I think the main problem is that:

 

a) It's starting to affect me socially. Ie. We can't just go for drink anymore cuz she MUST have desert or food...which is also a drain financially.

 

b) That kind of weight gain is a problem in the sense that i'm 25, and i'm assessing marriage potential in women and to be honest, excessive eating is not desirable.

 

c) I dunno, if she went to the gym semi-regularly and made an effort to eat better I probably wouldn't care about weight...it's just the junk after junk that's starting to annoy me. I also was a sous-chef while going to university so i love nice foods...not just burgers and fries.

 

Maybe I am shallow? But I really do care for her...