Is this normal?

[Starfall]

My grandmother died a few days ago and after getting through this difficult time, I find out that she wants to be cremated with no gathering for family at the funeral home. So I wonder if family will get together to mourn and be there for eachother.... There was no get together, then I find out my other grandmother has 1-2 months to live and she has the same wishes... no gathering, no funeral, nothing. I speak to my mother about her wishes when she dies and she feels the same. I'm not used to this. I've been to so many funerals, wakes, family gatherings to celebrate the person's life.... I don't understand. Does anyone have the same thoughts or the same experiences?

[SummerLove]

I've never heard of that before. Did your mother go into detail why she wants it that way?

[Starfall]

No... I asked, but she just says she doesn't want anyone "fussing" over her. I thought funerals were for the "living" to help with the grieving process. I pictured her being buried and being able to visit a grave site now and then. I can even understand being cremated although I don't like it. But... not getting together, no nothing.. I just think it's very odd.

[coollady1957]

Starfall, When my husband died a couple of years ago, he was cremated as well, according to his wishes. He also did not want people looking and viewing him at a funeral home.

 

His wish was that we have a gathering, but to do it at Home since there would not be a body to have a viewing at a funeral home. So what we did was to have the gathering at my home the evening after the day of his death, where family, friends and neighbors could come and pay respect to me and the children in regard to his death.

 

We had a Memorial Service for him the second day after his death at the chapel. It was where the preacher, or minister, priest or what have you, would speak just the same as if it were a regular funeral.

 

People sent flowers, and attended the memorial service just as if it were a regular funeral. We had a collage of photo's in frames at the memorial service, and small memento's of his life and one big photo of him in the middle of the table with a huge bouquet of flowers.

 

There was no grave side service. What we did though as to put up a memorial marker in the cemetery with all the same type info on it that you would normally have on a head stone.

 

Upon receiving his cremains ( ashes , as some people call it ) they were scattered then in places that he had requested. A portion of the cremains were saved and not scattered, and we had a private burial of the remainder of the ashes at his memorial marker. So even though there is not a body and a casket, there are still his remains buried, but in small urn. So there is a site to visit, and to take flowers and to remember special times.

 

Hope this helps. Coollady1957

[Starfall]

Coollady

That sounds more like it... family gathering..spending time together in your home, private burial...I was hoping for something similar. I'm sorry about the loss of your husband. I guess I had these expectations of when my mother passes.. that I would be able to speak to friends and family... thanking them for coming, spending time with loved ones to get through the process. My mother says..."Nope.. I want nothing." I think it's sad but there's nothing I can do about it.

[coollady1957]

I can understand that to have NOTHING would be quite sad. There does need to be that interaction among family, friends, etc, to support and get through the process.

 

Having a memorial service is a good thing because it gives a sense of at least honoring that persons life and gives a sense of closure as well.

[Starfall]

Closure would be nice. Luckily she was sent to hospice when she wasn't getting better in the hospital. I was able to hold her hand and tell her how much she is loved, thanking her for all she had done for me. While I was going through this heart-breaking experience.. several members of my family were outside on this patio, eating chicken, laughing... just hanging out waiting for her to die. I remember just looking around.. thinking my family is "whacked" lol... although they mean well.

 

I have friends wanting to send flowers, etc. I find myself in a strange position. Thank you for sharing your experience.

[floridaguy]

Sorry about your grandmother starfall.

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

I am deeply sorry to hear about your grandmothers.

 

My grandmother died a few days ago and after getting through this difficult time, I find out that she wants to be cremated with no gathering for family at the funeral home. So I wonder if family will get together to mourn and be there for eachother.... There was no get together, then I find out my other grandmother has 1-2 months to live and she has the same wishes... no gathering, no funeral, nothing. I speak to my mother about her wishes when she dies and she feels the same. I'm not used to this.

This is not unusual. In fact, I thought about doing something to this nature, where I am cremated and instead of a funeral, I would have a gathering of friends with uplifting music as they celebrate my life, and everyone will have to wear white. I'll get to that in a sec...

 

I've been to so many funerals, wakes, family gatherings to celebrate the person's life....

For me, it's different. The funerals I went to may have celebrated the person's life, but the gathering was not a celebration per se. Some people don't want to have a ritual like a funeral to celebrate their life because the sadness of them leaving, completely outweighs the quote unquote celebration, at least that's how I feel.

 

When my father passed, I wasn't doing too well, and I chose to escape my grief. Then 6 days later on the day of his memorial service, I walked into the church and the realization hit me like a ton of bricks. My emotions were declining even more. I tend to run away from problems, and the memorial service was a dead end that I could not avoid. My father wanted an uplifting memorial service, which it was... but it was also 3xs as morbid. Some people choose not to have their surviving loved ones go through that, or they don't want a big fuss. It is definitely not unheard of.

 

And I mentioned white at my memorial service to erase the idea of it being a funeral. I want to make it as uplifting as possible, even if tears will flow.

 

I wish you luck in whatever you do to help you deal with the grieving process.

[yeawutever]

Each and every one of us has varying views over life and death. As to how we would want to be remember as when you are no longer put into existence and nothing but bones remind, depends on the person. What some people may seem as normal may that be the social norm to others, it also often depends on the culture and how you were raise. Some people may like to be buried with crosses or decoration, some with pictures, while others just want to be cremated and not remembered at all. When I die I would just like to be normally buried and nope, I do NOT want any crosses as I'm atheist and thereforeeee, don't associate with any religion at all. You might want tp respect their ideas, after all death is a touchy subject and I'm sure it's not in everyone to freely discuss about how they want to die.

[Daddy Bear]

i'm so sorry to hear that your grandma passed and that the other is terminal. i hope you can take some small comfort in the fact that they survived to a ripe old age.

 

i share your view that funeral services are for the living and find it a shame that neither they nor your mother would want one, but i think Ailec's point about respecting their wishes is hard to argue against.

 

when i go, i want my surviving family and friends to have a big honking memorial kegger/barbecue/wake and swap funny stories; and have my ashes sprinkled into the Seven Sacred Pools of Hana on the island of Maui, where they will wash out to sea...

[Starfall]

Thanks everyone... I would even agree with a party/get together, anything. I respect the wishes of course... but hate that we don't get together as a family.

It makes me wonder how I'll handle my death and I wonder what my family would want. I don't want to do what just makes me happy. Thanks again for your stories..

[coollady1957]

Starfall, I am sorry about before when I posted last night . I was so intent on telling you what we did for my late husbands service, so that you could get a sense of the options out there, that I totally forgot to tell you that I am so sorry about your grandmothers death, and also about the illness of your other grandmother.

 

I had a lot on my mind yesterday and still do. My mothers sister, my aunt, aged 52 is dying and in the hospital. She is more like a sister to me than an aunt, and I was so preoccupied with my thoughts that I failed to offer you my condolences about your grandmother. Please forgive me... sends you (( HUGS )) ....

[Starfall]

That's sweet coollady... I didn't think anything about it. We are going through a lot also with my family. My poor mother keeps calling gram's credit card people to cancel them and they give her a hard time. My gram had an AOL account and they won't cancel it and have been charging her for the last 2 months when she's been hospitalized. She's had to get Power of Attorney, etc. and all the B.S. she has to go through is crazy.