Boyfriend calling his ex girlfriend!!!!!!!!!

[asianlkp22]

I have been with my boyfriend for alittle over a year. Since we started dating, we have been having problems with his ex-girlfriend.

 

He met me right after he left her. We started to hangout together, at the time I wasn't ready to be with anyone, it was just cool to hang out with him. Then he told me he loved me, I didn't love him, that was way too fast. So we stopped talking, he went back to his ex. He didn't like being with his ex they would fight constantly, then he would call me back. I would take him back like an idiot, then we chill for three months, then he starts to act up and so I left him, he goes back to his ex. (EVERYTIME I WOULD LEAVE HIM HE WOULD GO BACK TO HER)

 

I moved in with him we are living together with my kid and he still calls his ex for some reason. I don't know why?

 

I would find out, and he would tell me, that he doesn't want me to leave him, that he loves me that he's sorry he won't do it again. Boom it happens again, and he apologizes and cries to me, begging me not to leave him. two months go by, he does it again. The biotch throws a brick through his car window and he still calls her. I find out, he stops.....and just recently he did it again.

 

One time I found out she got his number and I asked him to call her and ask her how she got his number, because he claimed that he didn't call her. Prior doing so, he called her and asked her to lie for him, and say that she got it from somewhere else. Why would he tell her to lie for him??

 

All these times he called her were times where me and him argue and he feels doubt in our relationship so he calls her.

 

He knows it hurts me when he does. It's not about being insecure, I am secure of myself, it's about the relationship. He doesn't see how it's affecting the outcome of our relationship.

 

I just want to know why he's doing that. This last time he did it, drunk and talked to her for awhile.

 

I confronted him about it, and he says he doesn't remember even conversating with his ex, or even know what was said.

 

I called his ex and confronted her, because I want to hear some answers, but of course it didn't help, because she does have a psycho reputation and would lie. So I don't know what to believe.

 

He has begged me to not leave him and give him another chance, which I have given him several chance. We now have our own place and got our furniture together and what not.

 

I can't help but think he's calling her when I am not around. He's with me 24/7, but it's still cheating to me when he calls her, knowing that it bothers me and will hurt me if I found out that he calls her, which he did.

 

Please help me figure out why he's doing that. He claims that he loves me, he's shows me all the time, then he does this??? why, he keeps calling her and keeping in contact with her.

 

He would throw in my face that I am still married, but I am going through a divorce right now, that marriage has been over for three years, my ex is incarcerated and that he feels that he is just there for the meantime, which I have showned him several times over and over again, that I love him and want to be with him. I have even introduced him to my family which is a huge deal, he's the second guy that my parents met, and they actually like him, and he's here messing our relationship up by calling this one person that I do not want him to have contact with.

 

Please help!!!! I love him so dearly, I dont want to leave him, but I can't keep hurting myself for allowing him to do it to me.

[in_the_mirror]

i know that i had a problem for a little bit with my ex, i use to call him to get comfert when my current b/f and me would fight....but i look at it now and i realize it was stupid because he was a little psychotic, and i stopped talking to him and everything before it started affecting my current relationship.

 

if your b/f is not going to listen to you, you have to show him that you are going to put up with it. this is your well being too. tell him that if this doesn't stop then the relationship is going to, because you feel like he isn't being faithful to your needs and wants. if the two of you are having problems or a fight you two should be working it out, not him and his ex.

[friscodj]

He met me right after he left her. We started to hangout together, at the time I wasn't ready to be with anyone, it was just cool to hang out with him. Then he told me he loved me, I didn't love him, that was way too fast. So we stopped talking, he went back to his ex. He didn't like being with his ex they would fight constantly, then he would call me back. I would take him back like an idiot, then we chill for three months, then he starts to act up and so I left him, he goes back to his ex. (EVERYTIME I WOULD LEAVE HIM HE WOULD GO BACK TO HER)

 

Welcome to ENA asianlkp22!

 

Well I'd say the crux of the problem lies in this paragraph here. I almost stopped reading at this paragraph but then I read about how you are still married, husband in the pen, etc. I'd say this is a sitcky situation...

 

So I could go on about this whole story but I'll stick to your question: why is he doing this with his ex?

 

Isn't it obvious that he isn't over her? He keeps going back to her when things start to get salty with the two of you. You were his rebound, classic case as it sounds, but the rebound seems to have progressed. She is his security banket. Basically he is emotionally covering his bases, giving himself a back-up plan for protection. I think he's using both of you...that's my take on things... He sounds like an emotionally selfish, weak, and needy man...

[kellbell]

Hi there and welcome!

 

I agree with FriscoDJ, he is not over her. He is using the both of you as a security blanket. If this is cheating to you, you need to stick to your boundries and not tolerate it even if that means moving out and leaving him. I know you love him but you have to love yourself first. You do not need to take this BS from him.

[Rabican]

If you are going to tell you man not to call her, and you find out that he does... you have to lay down the law. Kick him out, tell him its over, deny sex... whatever you want to do.

 

But if you catch his hand in the cookie jar, and you say no more cookies!! The next day you catch him, say no more cookies!! The next day you catch him... on and on. Why would he stop talking to her? You have proven you can and will keep putting up with it, and keep taking him back.

 

So either deal with it, which will be pretty hard to do, because its hurtful to you. Or be firm, and either end things, or get creative and punish him somehow... dont cook, clean, have sex whatever.

 

And if shes putting bricks through his car window... see about you or him getting a restraining order. Dunno if thats viable at this point or not, but id wonder how crazy she may be.

[asianlkp22]

I don't think he still have feelings for her, but I do believe that he wants to keep her there as a "Security Blanket" We do live together and have been for the past 8 months.....if he truly wanted to be with her, he would be, I am not a controlling girl. He just calls her, he doesn't visit her or sees her, he would have a conversation with her, and that's it.....but it still bothers me that he does that.....she's a girl that out to get me, she's always been in competition with me since I was dating someone else, and she believes that I stole him away from her.

 

As a response to me being married....I am going through a divorce right now, it's not final yet, technically I am still married. Recently, he and I had a conversation and he cried telling me that it bothers him a lot that I am still married to another man, technically, and he feels that I am not trying hard enough to finalize it. That what ever he does, he has that in the back of his mind, saying well, she's married to another man, she's not trying to get that divorce quick enough, maybe she still wants to be with him and I am here just for the meantime. (inside I am thinking, he's trying to turn things around on me and try to justify for what he did) He knows it was wrong for him to do, and he apologizes to me constantly. Could this be the sole reason that he's calling her, when me and him fight? he's telling me that he wants a future with me but technically I am someone else's!

[asianlkp22]

That's exactly what my BF told me, he told me that it was a stupid move on his part, that he truly regrets it. But I am not too sure if I can believe it.

 

This is very hard, I have a little girl that's attached to him, and this relationship has progressed so much.

 

This is very hard on me.

[serenity25]

 

But if you catch his hand in the cookie jar, and you say no more cookies!! The next day you catch him, say no more cookies!! The next day you catch him... on and on. Why would he stop talking to her? You have proven you can and will keep putting up with it, and keep taking him back.

Sooo true and excellent point! I learned that the hard way and still have a hard time always taking away the cookie jar. You definitely teach people how to treat you though....

[ComputerGuy]

I agree he is using you both as a security blanket. Basically he isnt over her but doesn;t want to leave you, so he's going with bhoth and if one fails he can fall back on the other. I may be wrong but that's how it seems to me. I think you need to say to him "Look, I care about you, I want this to work, but its me or her". He needs to decide what he wants and you don't need to put up with his behaviour.

[asianlkp22]

Thanks....he keeps telling me that he wants a future with me. He was with her for about year prior to me, but they never moved forward into making it to the next level, all they did was party and party, she was a rebound to him because they met while he was going through a divorce with his ex-wife.

 

He's done many things with me that he never did with her, like asking me to move in with him, which he's never done before according to his family, wanting my baby to call him dad. When we broke up, he went back to her for about a week and come back to me. From what I was told by people who saw them together, he was miserable with her, and he seems happier with me. The problem is that he calls her!!!.....he's with me 24/7 except when he's at work, that's when he would call her when I am not around, talk for a bit, then not talk for two or three months later. The problem is that he won't stop calling her PERIOD.

 

He knows that I love him dearly, that I wouldn't allow my baby to be around him 24/7, if I didn't. He knows I love him, but I think it is because I am still married and havn't really made the effort to get that divorce, and that can make a person feel differently. I have filed the divorce just need to be finalized.....he cried to me the other day, because techinically I am someone else's and how can he want to marry if I am technically married to someone else....that he feels that he's the person in the meantime and when my ex gets out of jail that I would leave him for my ex.......But there is no question that he wouldn't believe that I love him. That's a given, if I didn't love him, I wouldn't get so upset and hurt when he calls his ex.

 

Question is how can I get him not to call her anymore??

 

Maybe I should wait til I finalize my divorce, then see if he still does it, if he does, than I know for sure it isn't because I am still married, it something more.

[kellbell]

"Thanks....he keeps telling me that he wants a future with me. "

 

His actions are completely different from his words. Actions speak louder than words. Talk is cheap.

[asianlkp22]

Sweetie, he has showned me by moving in with me and getting rid of his old stuff and starting all new. That's why I am so confused.....all signs show that he wants me and have a future with him, but he still calls her from time to time. It is probably is a security blanket for him, but once I get this divorce, he has no reason to not believe that I want a future with him.

[kellbell]

"but he still calls her from time to time. It is probably is a security blanket for him,"

 

I am sorry but this is BS. Your divorce is not finalized, so that gives him the right to call his ex girlfriend? And the fact he has taken your relationship to the next level by moving in with you, he should be helping you through this tremultous time, not calling ex girlfriends. YOU should be his security blanket, no one else.

 

As far as getting him to stop calling her once and for all, tell him how it makes you feel. He should respect your feelings not disregard them, whether your divorce is finalized or not. If he has a problem with your divorce not being finalized, IMO he should have never moved in with you.

[asianlkp22]

I have told him how it makes me feel. This last time when I found out, he called me and I was crying so much, I couldn't breathe, and he was like, I am soooo sorry, I am so sorry, I don't remember calling her, I regret doing that, I will never do it again, I don't want you to leave me please don't leave me.

 

I guess I will have to see on my own, there's nothing else I can do.

[redandblack]

The whole thing about your divorce not being finalized it a bad excuse for him. The difference between your situation and his is this:

 

You show through your actions that you want things to work out with him and he shows though his actions the opposite.

 

Love isn't a simple feeling, it's a series of actions. He needs to realize this.