I am still trying to get the nerve...

[need2bme]

to post the whole story.

 

Suffice to say that my GF of 13 1/2 years broke up with me over the phone. I am working in the northern area of our state and we live in the southern area. We just got an apartment together and it has all of my stuff in it. She is there, while I am in a little hole in the wall.

 

She has told me that we are broken up. She called to find out my address again, to send my mail. Small talk and my poor, sad attempt to keep her on the phone. I did want to know about the conference and classes she went to, but I wanted so much more to be with her.

 

I called her after looking at a poem she wrote, entitled "Love is ALL" (to inform her that apparently that is not the case). I should not have called. It was 11:30 @ night. She called me back the next day and I played it off, as if I did not mean to call her.

 

Later that week (last Thursday), I found out that my contract was going to terminate early. This would basically send me home. I could attempt to get the 3 month contract in another state going, but I wasn't sure how I would feel or what would happen.

 

I told her about it, but I am sure she thinks I am lying and attempting to get back with her (it is my apartment too). So, during the convo, she states that she "always has my back". What does that mean? This from a girl who a week before was with me on her BDay, doing all the things couple do. What happened to that girl? We ended the call with her stating that she would call me either Friday or "this weekend, when she wasn't busy".

 

What? I would help most people I know and some I don't. However, I would always help her. I might have ended up with little or no money, no place to stay and a huge feeling of disappointment and she still has not called to help or at the very least, to check up on me.

 

So...did she call? Nope! Not even once. She has to think I am coming home and she does not even want to figure things out or find out who is going to live where? Nope...again. I guess she doesn't care. I cannot believe she does not even care enough to find out if I am ok.

 

So, should I leave a message on the answering machine stating that I am not coming home yet? I don't want something crazy, like her moving out. Also, it means something to me to ensure she does not think I am lying.

 

What to do? I am thinking of just working on the 3 month contract, making as much money as I can, put out resumes at home and just get back to that house to figure out what is going on.

 

If she hasn't called by now, I do not think she will. That is very sad, as she doesn't even want to know if I am ok.

 

 

Sad....

[JJRadical]

Move back...kick her too the curb..

[MacGyverRI]

I don't want to seem heartless but you've been dating 13.5yrs.??

 

Did commitment ever come up in all those yrs. since most women don't want a dead end relationship?

[Freda]

It does sound like a possible commitment problem - was marriage on the cards??

[need2bme]

We talked about it and she said she did not want to get married to anyone yet. I then actually asked her a few years back and she said no. I always asked myself why I would stay with someone who did not want to commit. Not just marraige, but acting together as one. She is/was always closed about her feelings and would not talk to me about them. One time, she emailed me on vacation about something she was really upset about with her family. She wrote that she could not talk to me on the phone and just wanted to vent in writing.

 

I actually broke down and called her this morning. I was basically trying to get an idea of what to do about us and quite frankly, I would like some calm, cool answers to a few things. The call went so weird.

 

Two weeks ago, it would have been, "Hi, hon, whats up". Now it is, "Hello" and then in response to my question about me being between a rock and a hard place and what should we do, "I really don't know". The phone call was not deep and ended with her telling me this time that she would call me tonight @ 9:30.

 

I made a list of what I wanted to ask, but stopped short of "Is there another guy". I plan to keep it civil and just want to know if this is a break or a breakup. I believe it will be the latter.

 

I just want to know how long she has been thinking about this. I also want to know why it went from wanting me there on her birthday, to the day before I left of wanting to breakup. I would just like her to tell me where we are at.

 

I am not prepared for what I fear the answer will be, nor do I think it will be what I want to hear.

 

So, why am I doing this. Probably because I made her my life, instead of having one of my own. I sat in the back, hoping that she would put me first and not run, as she has before. I then lashed out in anger at times when she didn't, insteat of attempting to talk. I put up with it and she left.

 

JJRadical:

I thought about that, but then I thought that if I loved her, I could let her use it, as I might be in another state on another job and we could just get it into storage when the lease ran out. I know I should also give her the time to heal, but I need to know where we are at, so I can make some life plans.

 

MacGyverRI:

Yes. Dating. I should have seen this coming and do now that she has a commitment issue, at least I believe this to be true as she has been with guys and (I believe) had issues when they wanted to commit. Commitment came up a few times. In fact, her parents would tease her about when we might have a grandchild for them.

 

Freda:

Marriage was on the cards a couple of times, but as I wrote above, she just always shot that down. I just don't understand why you stay with someone that long and do not try to make it better. I guess we both knew this was inevitable. I wish I could do anything now to take it all back.

 

So, I am hoping that on our call tonight, I do not break down crying. I know that my being away for 6 months helped nothing except make it easier for her to leave. I wish I would have stayed and tried to be with her. All the fussing about the debts and all of the being unhappy and just making us both miserable. Nothing I can do now, except wait.

 

Thanks....

[need2bme]

Well I did it. I had the conversation. 2 hours 15 mins. Mostly me asking questions and not getting the answers I wanted. I got to tell her how I feel though. I feel ok now, but I will probaly HATE mysef tomorrow.

 

I told her how I thought things had gone wrong and how I was changing. I told her of the things about her that are good and to hang onto them. She is very mixed up and I wish that was not the case. I appreciate the fact that she let me speak.

 

I told her about how she is a special person and is a rainbow of different shades of love. I know that things did not work out and I know that she handled it **** poor. I can remember though, all of the things she showed me and taught me. I can remember how she showed me to just be.

 

I lost me somewhere and wanted her to complete me, without even knowing what I should do for me. I am going to continue to come to these boards and continue to try and better myself.

 

I am pretty sure we are in NC forever mode now (except for figuring out what to do with the apartment).

 

She told me that she has felt this way for 2 years. That almost broke my heart. I have the Wellbutrin to thank for keeping me together. I did lose it a couple of times though. I explained how I felt good with her and how even though she couldn't open up and needed to, I felt that we were made for each other. I told her I was not going to let it end and do everything in my power to get her back and make her love me.

 

Now I have a delimna. How can I stay fresh in her mind, if I go no contact?

[MacGyverRI]

That almost broke my heart. I have the Wellbutrin to thank for keeping me together.

 

I told her I was not going to let it end and do everything in my power to get her back and make her love me.

 

Now I have a delimna. How can I stay fresh in her mind, if I go no contact?

 

 

Antidepressant? is she on them also?

 

You can't make someone love you, it happens naturally.

 

You've been dating/living together for 13.5 yrs., she isn't going to forget you any time soon. Being apart may swing her back but you should be out looking for a new GF.

[need2bme]

I am still stuck on her. Maybe I am stuck on the thought of what we once had. Either way, we are no contact and I gotta respect her and stick with that. God knows I put her through enough crap.

 

I will have to make contact with someone to let her know where to send the mail, as it still goes to my apartment and I really don't want to change it to a place I may only be at for 3 months (with the new contract job).

 

As for the meds, she is not taking anything. They were suggested by my therapist and my doctor prescribed them. I went to see a psychiatrist about the prescritpion and he does not think I need it. He thinks I just don't like me.

 

 

Me thinks we need to work on that...

[need2bme]

I couldn't even keep up with the NC for 8 hrs. I got up this morning, well, was awakened by sunlight really. It entered the room and I woke up around 6:40 AM. I did not go to bed until 1:00 PM. I woke up sorta shaking. The reality that she is gone, sunk in. I called her and she was working out. All I could muster was, "I wanted to make sure you were awake for your job". She never got up early before.

 

She told me last night that, that when we were together, she was so depressed sometimes, that she couldn't even get out of bed.

 

I tried to think, "how can she be working out." "She never got up that early before". I cannot deal with this guys. It is too painful. I cried and cried and cried this morning. I need help guys. Is it possible she is seeing someone else? I am out of her life and now she wants to work out. All it took was for me to be out of her life to make hers better?

 

I am so sick of being up here and away from her and now I have no choice. It seems so final, finally (if that makes any sense). I will never get to hold her again. She will be holding someone else and saying all of the things she used to say to me, to him. Why did I come up here? I let my finances and situation, get in the way of us. I never wanted to be here. From the moment I was here, I wanted to be make home with her. I never made it happen and I never worked at it and now I don't have a home.

 

Do you realize this? I cannot go home. Whomever said that was right. What am I going to do. I have to wake up from now on without her. I took her for granted for so long. I am now right back at step 1. Why did I call? Oh yeah, to tell her how I feel. I just want to go home. Why does this always happen. Maybe I can call her when I am crying and really get a chance to talk to her.

 

Cripes, listen to that. I want a woman back that does not want back. I don't want to even think about someone else kissing the woman that I love. Why didn't I realize that we were meant to be together?

 

There is nothing I can do. When I called her this morning, I know she knew I was in a bad place, but she didn't even ask if I was ok.

 

I gotta get to work...life sucks sometimes...

[MacGyverRI]

1, She never got up early before.

 

She told me last night that, that when we were together, she was so depressed sometimes, that she couldn't even get out of bed.

 

All it took was for me to be out of her life to make hers better?

 

 

2, Maybe I can call her when I am crying and really get a chance to talk to her.

 

 

 

1, Time for a reality check, you apparently weren't good together in the end.

 

2, You really want to go with the guilt trip route?

 

 

You need to accept what happened, understand the causes, deal with it in an adult manner and move on with your life.

[need2bme]

and when I become an adult, I will. In all seriousness, this is all quite new to me. I have neve let go before, so bear with me while I figure me out. I see quite a few elequent, to the heart posts and I want my heart to be there. I think to do that I need to learn. Now that I am writing this, I think that maybe I do need to learn like a kid again. I want to have that childlike zeal and not be afraid of life.

 

BTW, I decided to send a letter explaining some of the things that I felt needed saying. In the long run, maybe they do not, but I wanted her to know. I think this will be NC after this, as I cannot even begin to let go, much less heal, if I don't.

 

MacGyver, I thank you for taking the time to reply and I do take your words to heart.

[doyle]

need2beme.....you cant force a feeling, you can not force yourself to let go of someone just by willing it...

 

The only comfort i guess is to remember this is a process....let your mind work it out, again you will drive yourself mad....trust me, if i could will it out of my mind i would!

 

The thoughts of her with another guy are really normal, I have those thoughts almost every minute of the day....i used to think that i was very level headed...this has me on the edge too....

 

I think the letter is good to send, write it five times ten times until you get everything that you want to say perfect, but once you send it, do not expect a letter in return, if one comes back that is great! but if not please dont set yourself up to feel rejected again....

[need2bme]

I cannot feel any more rejected than I already do. I am already taking little steps to make myself a better man. I am trying to take care of the school stuff and trying to see what is up mentally with me and the self loathing.

 

Wanna hear something I think is totally ironic?

 

I got a call for a permanent job nearer where I live. Now they still have to set up the face to face, if they want to talk to me further. They were interested. Now here is the kicker, the job in another state, is a contract job and the job in my state is permanent.

 

I came up here to work to get money to pay off debts so that I would not be so stressed. I then thought I would spend time working on myself too. I did not take the initiative until lately though. I don't like it here and was only working to get home to my home, which now does not exist. Now there is a slim chance that a permanent job might be there for me.

 

How CRAZY is that?

[need2bme]

I sent the letter to her on Saturday. Maybe I should have and maybe I should not have. I wanted to let her know some of the stuff I was feeling and we cannot get that out over the phone.

 

It was basically how I was compared to a memory and she never gave me a shot with her family involved and all ( I did not drop on her family. I like them and that would be mean. I just wrote about being second.)

[need2bme]

I spoke with my ex-GF last night. She called with info for me from the apartment.

 

While we were talking, she squeezed in some comments about me being single, some guy flirting with her, why guys she was with, remember certain things about her and oh yeah, sleeping arangements.

 

Why must someone put those things out there. We had a LONG time together and now is the time to bring this stuff up?

 

Just wondering why SO(s) feel the need to bring this stuff up. Are they trying to distance themselves? Are they trying to push you away? Do they not know they are doing it?

 

Thanks.