lost in my mind

[doyle]

icemotoboy: it is good to hear from you...I agree i have stopped feeling like i should not have these feelings...again it comes from within...i have forced myself to get out and do things...

 

i do just get through each day, and yes it seems like it gets alittle better each day...i really do not notice, but those around me do and tell me...so that is good. it nice that other see some progress, that way i can grow from that....

 

I have seen that i have been focusing alittle more energy on me...but i am not going to lie i think about her alot.

[kadvati79]

I don't want to hurt anymore. I do want to accept that he's never coming back (not that i would want to), but it's hard not contacting him after being together with eachother everyday for 4 yrs.

You have been torn from a dream, quite sharply, and its easy to for others to underestimate its significance and impact on your life. You are not just loosing "someone". You are loosing what was possibly a life plan. Even if you suspected it might come, the reality will no doubt still shake you.

 

It hurt to see my ex leave me, but that was nothing to the pain of realising he was never coming back. But then, you just never know, they may come back. But I reached a point where I realised I didn't want to be back with him. In a way, my heart does still linger - but its a different kind of lingering. I certainly hope I am never put in a situation where I could get back with him. I think we all reach that point eventually. My ex is someone whom I used to love dearly.

 

I feel like a fool everytime I try to make contact because I end up getting even more hurt.

I said once somewhere that if I had to be a fool for something, let it be a fool to love! I am a firm believer that NC will be implemented by everyone, eventually. This board helps highlight to people what good strategies are out there, but the individual actually has to reach a point where they can implement them, and they are committed to them.

 

I do still love him and I am devistated he left me. I'm not depressed YET. But how can I accept he's never going to be in life again. I know time will heal everything but I wish it was now. I don't want to feel this pain anymore...I want everything to go away.

You don't have to force yourself to accept that he will not be in your life again. Nobody knows the future and people make mistakes, couples get back together. But that should not be your focus. Your focus should be on how you feel, and getting through each day. It should be on pushing your actions but NOT your feelings. I tried to push my feelings, and it was a mistake.

 

Its amazing for me to look back on five months, and wonder just how exactly I survived. Nothing short of a miracle. I know my friends are amazed at just how mature I took everything, and how well I coped, and how far I came. I was a mess emotionally for much of the time but I would push through, often taking three steps forward and then what felt like four steps back.

 

Each step I took, seemed to bring renewed pain. The acceptance the relationship was over, hurt. Realising he didn't love me any more, hurt. Understanding the he wasn't the person I made him out to be, hurt. Accepting that he was never coming back, really hurt! But with each step came relief, as I let go a little more, and began to understand...

 

I held the path to my own destiny, and I was in a much better position to find that now than I ever was before.

[kadvati79]

I have seen that i have been focusing alittle more energy on me...but i am not going to lie i think about her alot.

I still think of my ex, but I tend to think differently now. I recently met a guy who, for the first time in years, I have really felt interested in. I think more often of this guy than I do of my ex. When I think of my ex now I feel more disapointment than sadness. And I begin to pity him. I feel sad for him and not me. I know that I did all I could to make things work, often when there really wasn't anything worth working for. I'm proud of that. But what does he have to be proud for?

 

Its good to see the strength building in your posts mate, its a really hard road, and I found simply posting my story here to be of tremedous benefit. I took my breakup really hard, but five months later, I have my life back on track. And I am a better person for it.

[doyle]

i am glad that you are doing well and you met someone that appears to keep your intrest. i know that i am not ready for that right now, i have alot of me time coming up...but it will all work out in the end i am sure of that! this place has helped me alot. i feel weak at some points and strong in others...

 

but posting you really do find power with other going through the same thing or for folks like yourself, those that have gone through and come out the otherside a better partner...i still have the wish that she was with me...but i am slowly learning that it would be an act of some higher power for that to ever happen!

[need2bme]

I am with you Doyle. I am not ready for it either. I wish I could move towards anger too. All I can think about is the guilt of it all. The couldas and shouldas. I really think she has moved on, as she behaves now, like the weekend did not happen. I know she hurts, but she did not even answer my last phone call (damn caller ID).

[need2bme]

tygerr94: I am not sure if it applys to people that hurt you. I believe that some people who do hurt others, will look back as they get older and regret it. I do believe in the lyrics of Tim McGraws song, "One of These Days".

 

I think that as people get older and reflect, they are sorry. I know that I am sorry for things I did to hurt my ex-GF. Some I knew, some I did not think about at the time. I do know that after a while, most basically good people, will hurt when they remember they hurt someone else.

 

I know I do.

[doyle]

See i do not know if my ex was cheating or not. I would not say not, but i do not know, because i would never have thought that she would treat me like this.

 

If she was i still would not want to know it would make me feel even worse. the entire friends thing is so funny, it is like she does not even understand how much she crushed the world i knew, and what role that i saw her in the that world. so now she is asking to be part of my life on her terms. i can not do that for her, not yet. you know what is funny is that i feel bad treating her like this, i know that is dumb since she is the one that left me.

[need2bme]

I don't know if mine is thinking about someone else either. I know that it is easy for her to push me away when I am gone. I try hard to remember that is what she needs to do. It is fair for her to do that. I am trying to remember that I need to be strong.

 

Your breakup was out of the blue, so who knows. Even though I have been thinking a lot about RayKay's post, stating that the Dumper has had time to think about it and start moving on, I cannot yet totally get my mind around the fact that she can so easily act as if there was nothing between us.

[doyle]

you know that is what one of the frustrating things is, why did she not talk to me when she was thinking about ending it? i mean if she was unhappy, then tell me, just dont drop a bomb on me. that is not fair, then ask to be friends...you know what friends communicate about what is going on with them.

 

I hear you brother, i do not understand how she was like this, i may never know....again it is just a shot to my heart....

[doyle]

well at least that you had the chance to figure things out, i hate the fact that i was blind sided by all of this. My ex and i did not start sharing things until the relationship ended. kinda of strange it made me really feel like crap because there was alot that i was doing in the relationship that made some thing worse...you know that i would joke around with her about stuff and she would take it personal, I did not know why she took it so personal (not until after the breakup) so you know when you go through all the begging to be taken back and i have change stage, she just kept saying NOPE!!! it was like being graded on a something first then being taught about it....that is not fair...

 

you know she did the same thing as your ex and said that she was unhappy with all the things that i did or did not do for that matter...now is that Fair? i accepted all the little things that she did or did not do and i never walked! i just figured that she would share with me when she was ready to...but i did not know that it would be after we broke up!

[doyle]

I hear you man...i do not think that she is taking anything personal anymore, she seems to be very happy with her choice....unlike alot of people on here i have not seen or talked to her in 6wks.....when we broke up she just said she was done and walked out....then all the communication that i have had has been over e-mail so it has been really hard and inpersonal.

 

i do not know why this breakup has been so hard and i feel so alone... i think alot to do with finally feeling like i could settle down and get married....this has been the first time that i have ever felt like this....but like others have said i can not force someone to love me or feel the same way that i do...

[doyle]

well it is going like S*** to tell you the truth, i had the worst dream last night i was sleeping really heavy and it was one of those dreams that you feel is real...i woke up in a cold sweat, the dream was that she and I had made up and everything was ok, It seemed so real and when i woke up i was in a panic...

 

so i walk into work, and walk past one of her friends computers and my ex's e-mail caught my eye, so being the dumb * * * that i am i read the e-mail and it said, something like "ohhh it is time to celebrate! oh ya guess who is sending nasty e-mails, GRRRR! what the hell is that? i have not sent any nasty e-mails, she is making refrence to my e-mail that i did not want the gifts and that i would not be able to take them......what the hell!

 

this is getting to be so nuts why do i care, what has made me soooo obsessive?! I have not been able to let go even through she is making fun of me behind my back...this is all crazy!

[need2bme]

Doyle, you know I love ya man and you know I totally know how you feel (really I do). I also know that I have a GF that is confused and I think cannot figure out what she wants, so I know this is coming from a guy who still talks to his GF once in a while.

 

But that being said, I think it is wrong for her to go on about your email bro, to someone else. It might be her way of healing, but I think it is still wrong. If she was hurting, why not just state that she got an email, instead of it being a "nasty" email.

 

I am the last one to give advice right now, as I am trying to fight the urge to tell my GF that we should either "**** or get off the pot".

 

I just don't wanna see you hurt brother. I know people talk to their friends. Hell, I talk to you, but I think that is a little far to take it.

 

BTW, the reason you are so obsessive, is that you love her. I think that is normal. I still cannot see anyone with my GF. I don't want her talking to anyone either. You cannot let go, because you want answers. Your mind cannot deal with the fact that this is out of the blue and she never talked to you about it.

 

You couldn't control it and I know for me, that is the worst kinda thing to happen; something I couldn't control. It is hard to surrender, as you said, because to us, it feels as if we were beaten. At least we found out now. I just don't know sometimes how to get the strength to move on.

 

Call me if ya need to brother.

[doyle]

Thanks man, that killed me! i have tried to be really nice to her friends at work, since it is not their problem. but you know that e-mail was crap......i want some anger to come out of this! please who ever is looking out for me give me some anger! let me let her go!!!!!!!!!

 

she is talking from two sides of her mouth, you know the e-mails that she sent to me were all about, i want to hear how you are doing etc, etc....then she says i am sending nasty e-mails to her what the F*** is all of this!

[ladyj]

Doyle: I'm going through the same thing right now. My ex made our break up really nasty. I don't know if you have been keeping up with my posting but I'll give a brief run down so you know you're not alone.

 

As you know he broke up over the phone, never called about the pregnancy, I heard him having sex with someone else, when I saw him for the first time he said "that's what you get for coming over when you're not suppose too" (yeah that was a bit harsh), on top of that he told his sister that if I wanted my things back that I needed to give him my ring back (yeah he went there).

 

So as you see he could have been a man and break up with me; let me go peacefully and give me my stuff back. I would have walked away respecting him. YOU WANT ANGER...oh yeah I'M VERY ANGRY, and that's what has been giving me the strenght to move on and let him go. My friends were shocked that I had been very calm about everything and that I still have not gone crazy on him after all that I've gone through in the past 3 weeks.

 

The only explanation I have for that is that I have class and dignity. He doesn't know either and thereforeeee he wont give me the respect after a 4 yr relationship.

 

On top of it all he's also telling people that I'm being a B...ch and the only reason I'm asking for my stuff back is to piss him off. MY GOSH...I'm asking for stuff that I bought him or that we bought together, I'm simply asking for my own personal belongings and he's acting as if I was the one hurting him.

 

Finally last night I picked up everything and I had a cop on my side watching the whole thing. His sister and brother were there and they saw him being rude and mean and all of the above to me. They were asking him why he was so angry at me when I didn't even open my mouth at all. I walked in picked up everything and then walked out. He just kept running his mouth and he didn't get a reaction out of me (I think that's what really pissed him off...I'M ACTUALLY PROUD HOW I HANDLE THAT) anyways, my point is that the anger he provoked in me by his actions after the break up is the best thing he could have done for me. He thought he was going to get a rise out of me instead he got the oppossite.

 

Now I know for a fact I AM THE ONE THAT IS DONE WITH HIM. I feel I regain control of the situation and I'm feeling great. Don't get me wrong I'm still sad and miss him (I no longer think is him that I miss though...). I think is the companionship and being part of someone else's life.

 

He devastated me in every possible way, but I realize that he will never change or cares to change his ways. I know now this is the best thing that could have happen to me and though the past weeks have been painfull, draining and physically affecting me. I know I am going to come out of it a better person and much stronger than ever. He on the other hand will never have INNER PEACE and true happiness. He is not willing to change something about himself and thereforeeee he will fall into a pattern with different girls...AND FOR THAT I'M THANKFULL THAT I'M OUT.

 

So you see Doyle, your ex will try to get a rise out of you because she still wants the attention. Believe me I'm a girl and all girls like any type of attention. It's up to you to make sure you don't allow her to hurt you anymore. Don't let anything she says bother you, if you work with her friends show them you're moving on and you're happy. They will relate the message and she's only going to feel like a fool for creating more drama. I know this because I've done that myself on some occasions. Do not fall into her game; which I wonder why they do that. They break up with us, hurt us and then they want to play the victims. I don't get it.

 

IT IS NOT WORTH EVEN CARING ABOUT THAT ANYMORE. Do what I have been doing for the past two weeks. Plan your week in advance and stick to all of your plans. Believe me it has been working for me. I know I broke NC and it made me feel terrible but you know what I don't care anymore. Now it's all about me and me only. I don't know if that attitude is the right one, but that's the only that has been guiding out of this.

 

Do not let her have control over your life anymore, you take control of the situation and let her know you are moving on. SHE WILL ONLY FEEL LIKE A FOOL...trust me I know.

 

I WILL PRAY FOR YOU!

[need2bme]

LadyJ: I am so glad you are feeling some control. It was good to read your post. Congratulations sweetie.

 

Doyle: Maybe LadyJ is right. No one deserves that. Maybe you were right too. If my ex still continues to want to call and chit chat, I will ask her what we are. I am believing (at least for today) that I need time too. I need the 3 month contract gig. I need to find me and I need to learn how to act again. I miss her terribly, but we both deserve someone that will just call to tell us how much they love us and not that they have mail for us or just want to be friends. Thanks.

[doyle]

LadyJ i have read your other post, and i was talking to Need2beme on how strong that you were being. i was so impressed that you have gotten to the anger stage of your grieving. With seeing the e-mail and all the other stuff i feel more hurt then i do anything....my sister, just wishes that I could see things through her eyes right now.

 

I do not think that i can create anger......why am i not angry with that? or with all of this....

[need2bme]

Because you love her. Because you remember the good times.

 

I am reading a book called "Mending a Broken Heart". In it, the authors give an exercise about taking five good memories when you felt totally loved and basically going through steps to diminish them. Then take five bad memories, when you felt totally unloved and make them larger and more colorful.

 

They write that the trick is change the neural pathways. The neural pathways are supposed to be unconscious pathways that are used out of habit, without us knowing.

 

I don't know if I am ready to give that a try yet, so maybe I am not yet at that stage.

[doyle]

thanks, i will have to look at for the book, i have about 20 books that i am reading right now....

 

i know this a process, i have to keep telling myself that, i am stuck on alot of things that is for sure...so any anything would be great. through all of this i know that she does not feel bad enough not to talk from two sides of her mouth......one she is telling me in e-mails that she wants to know what is going on with me then on the other she is telling her friends that i am sending nasty e-mails..........then ending it with GRRRRR...i think that i might be overeacting on all of this, it just has me by the B****.

[need2bme]

Maybe we should start a book club and pass them back and forth.

 

I don't know about you, but I was thinking today that I spent a lot of time shying away from things I needed to do or needed to work on. I would goof off at work (more than on this board) because my mind and my heart were just not into it.

 

I would go home and not be into my relationship. I wasn't doing anything I used to. I quit going to school.

 

I am writing this, because I now realize that I WAS depressed. WOW! I did not know how to get out of it. Call it depression, anxiety, self deprivation, whatever. I had it.

 

So, at least this is helping me face all of that and realize that the ONLY thing I can do is to keep trying. If I try and succeed, I can build on that.

[doyle]

I think that the book club is a great idea!! I know that i have made a great investment into someone elses pocket with all the money that i have spent on books, that is for sure.

 

I am stuck in a haze that i do not seem to be able to look past. I am hoping that i will get unstuck on whatever i am on and see through that haze i hate feeling the way that i do...I know that it seems like i complain alot but this is the first time that a relationship has hit me so hard!

[kadvati79]

I am stuck in a haze that i do not seem to be able to look past. I am hoping that i will get unstuck on whatever i am on and see through that haze i hate feeling the way that i do

Nobody likes feeling bad. But feeling bad makes feeling good so much better. It gives you perspective on your life and forces you to confront everything. Now this kind of "emotional bankruptcy" when you clean out all the cr*p from your life is incredibly painful but it is the very thing that allows you to really live life and identify the core things that matter.

 

You will get unstuck. I am living proof. I am now having the best time of my life, and whatever happiness that I had prior to my breakup has now been eclipsed. This is because I now have a greater capacity to love, to grow, to understand, than I ever did before the breakup. It wasn't just a relationship that broke for me - it was my life that broke.

 

I know that it seems like i complain alot but this is the first time that a relationship has hit me so hard!

Then this is your first real chance to really grow. I am a big fan of catastrophic change. If you are going to change something in your life, then don't just change a little bit - change everything to where you want to go. Don't get too fussed about expectation, but just try something and if it doesn't work try something else. Thats how you learn. This is your chance to learn some of the greatest lessons in life, that probably, your ex hasn't. All your ex has learned is how to give up on someone they used to love and loved them.

 

I implore you to keep complaining. Do what you need to do to consider this and reach conclusions. Your own thought processes will give you the closure you need to move forward. It is once your mind puts its feelings, the reality, and the meaning all together in such a way as it fits - then things make sense - and you can move forward. For a long time I struggled with WHY.

 

Keep pushing along, one step at a time!

[doyle]

thank you Ice...It does seem like it is a one step forward five back! It has been good to have friends tell me that I am acting better and seem to be getting alittle better....who knows i think it is the meds! haha....i will take what i can at this point.

 

 

what was your greatest motto for getting through all that you did?

[need2bme]

Awesome post ICE. Forget about IT stuff, you should be a motivational speaker.

 

Seriously though, I love these quotes and will try and take them to heart.

 

Nobody likes feeling bad. But feeling bad makes feeling good so much better. It gives you perspective on your life and forces you to confront everything. Now this kind of "emotional bankruptcy" when you clean out all the cr*p from your life is incredibly painful but it is the very thing that allows you to really live life and identify the core things that matter.

 

and,

 

Then this is your first real chance to really grow. I am a big fan of catastrophic change. If you are going to change something in your life, then don't just change a little bit - change everything to where you want to go. Don't get too fussed about expectation, but just try something and if it doesn't work try something else. Thats how you learn. This is your chance to learn some of the greatest lessons in life

 

I am much older than you and still learning. Thanks.

[kadvati79]

what was your greatest motto for getting through all that you did?

My motto would be rather unconventional. I would say that its not friends, its not faith, its not a new love interest, its not new hobbies that gets your through all this... its you. All those other things help. This website helps. But the power to get through this is inside you. Its putting one step in front of the other. Its going through the motions of being happy until you actually begin to feel happy again.

 

I don't publish any religious or spiritual views of my own on this board, but I do like the section in the serenity prayer that says:

 

Give me the power to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference (or words to that effect).

 

You can't change your feelings instantly, but you can change your actions. I gave up trying to change the way I felt and started just focusing on what i could control - which was what I ate, what I did, and who I hung out with.

 

What I mean is, she wants what she wants and have it without us being together. I hear what you are saying.

Her not wanting to be with you has very little to do with you and very much to do with her. I think she just felt a certain way, wasn't sure why, and hasn't really got the capacity to understand what it all means. She's lost, her feelings are all over the show, and all she knows is what she feels but it doesn't sound like she has been making any attempt to really understand things. If she wanted to understand it, she would be hounding you to figure out why. She has just accepted the way she feels as fact.

 

I say again, this has very little to do with you and everything to do with her.

 

When I am tired of hurting, because I can help her but not hold her, that will be enough. It is nice that the body and mind does have a mechanism to tell you, "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!" It is nice to know that my mind will get there, with no apparent help from me.

If you can do anything to get there, then do it. Sometimes you have to push yourself or you will just occilate in the same place. Like blocking my ex on MSN, I had to give myself a little push to do it. But once it was done, i felt much better.

 

Push yourself to try new tactics, new ways of doing things. If something is working then keep at it, but if it isn't, don't be afraid to try something new. It can't get much worse!

 

Today she has not called, so that to me is a little more proof that she wants me when she needs me, but feels no need to see how I am doing.

Absolutely. This is about her. This whole thing is. And you are buying into it, for the most honourable of reasons. But nevertheless you are providing tacit reinforcement of her behaviour. You know what you need to do, but you need to build the emotional army required to disarm your love which has you hijacked on this road to never-never land. Just chip away at it.