TRUST, control or independence?

[trash mail]

I have a girlfriend that is, somewhat 'independent'. I travel a lot but I make it a point that I talk to her everyday. (I figure it is just my family upbringing. Communication is the point of trust).

So, here is my problem, when she goes out with friends, she will meet people. Sometimes they are guys and sometimes they are girls. I don’t disagree on having a social life outside our relationship.

This is the sticky point. I want to know about the people she is hanging out with, this includes guys that she has met when she is out with the girls. She has developed some friendship with the guys she has met. She clearly states that she is in a relationship with me. Etc. It is about trust, I will not stop her from making friends with guys and girls, BUT I have an expectation for her to tell me everything about the people that she went out with. Name, career, etc and keep me up to date with her life. For me, when she does that, it gives me a feeling of security on what is going on in her life and any potential threat. In the end it is about me being secure in the relationship as I travel a lot. I think it is building trust in each other where there is no secrets.

TO her, I think she feels that she has to report to me about her life. About the people she meets etc. I think that she feels that by doing that she is losing her independence.

To me I see it as building trust, for her I think she see it as reporting and losing independence.

What do you think??

Is it about trust, control or independence?

How did you overcome this situation?

[JJRadical]

...Here's where you strikeout...the word "EXPECTATION"...who are you her Dad?...if you were a good communicator, you'd back off and let her be herself, and all would be revealed to you...

 

So the answer is B)Control. In like you have none...and when you do it'll be an illusion anyway...folla?

[heloladies21]

It's actually all about showing you care about her and you're doing just fine with what you're doing. Don't back off with this stuff or she'll think you're losing interest.

 

I once heard someone say that the opposite of love isn't hate, but indifference.

[Skippy]

JJRadical.. Ok..control... how do i get to know more about these people that she is meeting?

I have a feeling that she misses people out in the conversation. Actually, it isnt a feeling, i KNOW she misses people out. So how do i get the full picture?

Really is this a bad thing to want to know the whole picture?

[JJRadical]

Yes its bad to EXPECT the whole picture.

 

Trust is about not needing to know all the specifics of the whole picture and knowing everything will be ok. You are far from this.

 

Are you a member of the Taliban per chance?

 

Keep demanding the whole picture and you'll be the one out of the picture...

[trash mail]

Thanks... I needed that. Really i did.

[heloladies21]

JJRadical.. Ok..control... how do i get to know more about these people that she is meeting?

I have a feeling that she misses people out in the conversation. Actually, it isnt a feeling, i KNOW she misses people out. So how do i get the full picture?

Really is this a bad thing to want to know the whole picture?

 

Your situation is different because your concern comes from out of insecurity. It's all in the way you ask her, but if you know for a fact that she's not telling you everything, ask yourself why you would want to be with someone who isn't upfront with you about these kinds of things?

[itsallgrand]

Hmm. I agree that backing off with intense questioning and expectations is a good idea. Also, if you are not already, let her call you sometimes. She will share with you - easier to do when it comes naturally and not out of a sense of 'checking in'.

 

I've re-read this post several times. I relate to it, in a sense. My bf travels a lot. He likes to call every day, no matter what or where, while I am fine without that. I am independent - to the point where there is friction sometimes. Friction bc he likes to hear 'details, details'. To me: that's fine and great when he is around to take part in it, to actually know what I am talking about. When he's gone: I don't feel like telling him about Sally and Joe I met and their occupations. I want to talk about each other and what matters.

 

I'll be honest. I'm struggling right at this moment - knowing he is going travelling for a month, in two weeks time. Before he goes; I prepare myself. I pull back a bit. I have to - or else I'd miss him too much, have too large of a gap of time change (schedule change with who I spend my time with). I doesn't mean I stop caring or being open: simply a realignment to changing circumstances ahead.

 

Here's my thoughts:

How much time do you spend together the phone not counting? I mean, how much time and involvement do you have in each other's lives in a real way (showing up for important events, being there physically when the other needs you)?

Is there a solid foundation of trust to begin with?

 

It's very important to have that solid trust. Especially when one or both travels a lot.

 

She may be holding back. There may be some unsteadiness of security on both ends. It can be tougher without the convience of being able to see each other every day.

 

I will only speak for myself right now, maybe it will shed some light (or something). If you travel A LOT, and do not go out of your way to BE a part of her life/involved in all the important ways, then it is not fair to expect all the details.

 

If something important happened - would you go out of your way to be there for her, physically by her side - even if you are travelling?

These things can matter a great deal in relationships like this.

And it goes both ways - does she show up for you, even if it means travelling or rearranging sometimes? Is she involved in your life?

 

Nothing is like face to face, day to day, being there for someone to build trust and security. Being there for each other in every way: that's how ya overcome it, methinks.

 

Assuming of course that this is not a LDR or something less-than-serious.

 

take care.

 

p.s. If she is lying, cutting out entire chunks of her life/omitting, not willing to share what she has been doing at all: that would be a reasonable sign that your relationship is in trouble. That would be reason, I think, to reassess if you two are good together.

[trash mail]

Itsallgrand & Heloladies, Thank you for your replies. I see where you are hitting at. I am stuck right in the middle and i want to approach this subject without coming accross like the DEMAND to know. I just want to know.I don't want to come accross accusing. I dont know, really how not to come accross like i am taking away her independence.

Sigh.....

[Momene]

If anyone wants to stray, they will do it however much you try to control them. Yes, people in relationships do get hit on, even ancient ones like me. Where it's hard is if you're not yet at the "exclusive" stage or you've had issues in the past where you've reason not to trust each other.

 

Of course, you could cheat on your travels, too. Does she sometimes feel insecure about that?

[trash mail]

Momene, thank you for replying, yes i could cheat on my travels but i make sure that she doesnt have a worry about it. I have made myself at her backing call.I make conditions where doubt doesnt occur in my relatinships. I am online 24/7 when i am away travelling. During office hours the phone and msn is switched on. outside working hours the webcam is on all the time so she can log in and see what i am doing. Anything in between i will mention it.( like company dinners etc. )

Dont mistake that we have to see and talk about everything and 'check up' on each other. I just make it a point that i am accessible and nothing is hidden, but that isnt the case with her.

I suppose i have granted access and she hasnt so i feel she controls it.

 

I supppose i dont want any doubt too.

[Momene]

Try withdrawing access for a while and see how she reacts.

[babypink61]

hmm I think ur being somewhat too controling by demanding that she tells you who these ppl are, their background, and etc. You remind me of of my friend's ex-boyfriend who wanted to know where my friend was AT ALL TIMES. If she doesn't call him and let him know he'd blow up on her. Well, that relationship didn't end up lasting that long . . .

[Skippy]

hmmm.i think things are being misunderstood here. I reason i want to know who she is hanging out with is because i want to be able to have something in common, to be able to have conversations with her. To have something in common and to share what is going on in our lives.

[JustNormal]

What do you think??

Is it about trust, control or independence?

How did you overcome this situation?

 

You trust her. It's a simple thing. Try this one on for size. Drop her and her friends off at a strip club. When you don't feel that stinging sensation anymore, that's called trust.

 

Beyond that, you marry her and take her off the market. Then not only will you have trust, but her family will kick her * * * if she steps out of line.

[jevonj77]

I see no problemo in asking her to tell you of how she is when she meets certain other guys. I also have a girlfriend who's like that. You can't make it seem like she HAS to do it...because she'll just get defensive about it all. However, you can go around it by asking such things like how would she act ( in general) if she was with someone else of the opposite sex. Then on the days that she may meet one of them....just ask her how her day went and what she did. You may ask for specifics...however maybe she doesn't even know the guys names and such. If they're close friends( which I do know...is and can be suspicious) then maybe you'd ask somethings about them.

 

Lastly...you should take a stand on what you want her to do in these cases...each relationship is different. Maybe witholding some of your "avalablity" will allow her to realize just how important it is for you.