Being Paranoid or right be concerned?Help.

[MJMJ]

My b/f and i were at his apartment last night. (Together for a year) We were in his bedroom and his phone rang indicating a text message. It was almost 2 am. He goes to the other room to get his phone and said it was his sister. He stays there for a minute or two and i guess he called her. He comes to the bedroom by the window to get better reception to speak. His apartment does not give good reception. The girl is talking about a guy and then he said " Did you tell your mom?" If it was his sister, why would he refer to their mom as her mom. It's not his step sister or anything. I said that to him when he was done talking. He said his sis was having a guy a problem(she is older than him--i think 35 or something)Then he said text is from her and who he spoke to was her. He asked "i never did that" and obviously my answer was no. He probably knew what i was thinking when he said look who it says its from--if a person is sneaky enough, they can easily just change the name to someone else. He said call the number then. I didn't call. Does it sound weird that he said your mom when it is his mom as well or am i being too suspicious and just overanalyzing. Was he just hoping or figured i wouldnt call or should i trust it was his sister. I am tempted to copy down the number and see if it is her. Would anyone else have noticed this when he said it? I couldn't help but say something to him and now having a hard time deciding to let it go or not. The thing is--if it was another girl and she is talking about a guy problem--that means they have developed some sort of closeness and he tells me he rarely even talks to other woman. Is it weird for a girl to text a guy at 2am about a guy problem that wasn't that serious--something somewhat funny? Meaning--it maybe it was more than likely his sister?

[Relationship Coach]

This all seems a little fishy to me as well but I don't think it means he is fooling around with her. I can see him in the future coming clean and saying it was a friend or ex that is like a sister to him and she needed some help with a guy problem. I think under the circumstances (2AM) he fely you might not understand if it wasn't a family issue. This does not make things OK but as I said it does not mean he's cheating either.

 

RC

[butterflies]

i don't think he should say 'your mom' if it is her sister unless they have different moms. do you know where his sister lives? she called 2 am (maybe it's the time difference- if it was her sister). you should ask him where her sister is at that time she called him? and observe his actions rather from what he was telling you and you'll find out.

[Managor]

I think you're worrying a lot more than you should. He might just not refer to his mother as "mum" anymore, and if so saying "your mum" makes sense. I think it's his sister, if he was talking to another girl who he didn't want to tell you about, he probably wouldn't have been in the same room as you talking to her.

[xmrth]

It is a little fishy, but think about the voice you heard, too. The way they sounded and talked-- did it match up with his sister's voice?

 

Him being in the room with you DOES change it, though. Maybe you just need him to clarify it more to you; don't be afraid to ask.

[butterflies]

i forgot, i don't think sister calls their brother just to tell him about her "guy's problem". most likely a girl will call her girl friends not brother.

[MJMJ]

Here is what she text him--"he is a centerfold". She did not call him up but he called her after seeing it i am sure b/c his phone only rang once meaning he received a text. We weren't sleeping at the time and no she doesn't live far away--they live very close to one another. My b/f said after speaking to her it turns out this guy was or is a model and she doesn't really like the idea. I'm really upset right now because i am worried he lied. I really just want to get that number and call it(not to speak but to hopefully see if she has v-mail)--otherwise i will not feel better. And since i only met his sister a few times and she is not like my best friend--it was hard to match the voice--i just wasn't sure. Isn't it kind of risky to put it under his sister's name? What if this person calls again and its a convo where i can figure out it is not her when he is speaking to her. It just seems like a stupid mistake to put it under his sister's name but i don't know..maybe he felt it was more safety because its a girl and i won't question if it says his sister but obviously i am. I can't believe i am upset over this and i donot want to give him any clues that i am because i want him to think everything is ok if i decide to try to get that number and make my mind rest with this matter. Please help.

[nottoogreen]

Hi MJ,

 

Concur with what RC wrote. Like to add what is one call worth?

 

Please forget about spying, paranoia and mistrust is almost as bad as cheating. Being paranoid will turn you off and he will feel it, possibly returning the favor. Please read my sig.

 

Please put your energy into your relationship with him and feel his feelings. You can feel whether he is for you only or has someone else.

 

If you have insecurities about him, please write about your relationship and we can discuss it here and how to strengthen it.

[MJMJ]

Finding out that he lied right to my face and is developing a bond with some other girl will really hurt me even if he isn't cheating. I do not text message guy friends with anything at 2AM. This is what makes me hope it was his sister. If you wanted to get away with speaking to another girl--would you really put it under your sis's name? It's not like he speaks to her once a year and she lives so far where they are not in touch.

[nottoogreen]

If he lied, it is wrong, and you could have called his "bluff" at the time and called her. Try to meet his sister?

 

I do not think he would hide another girl under his sisters name. How often would that work?

[MJMJ]

Hi Nottogreen,

 

I appreciate yours and everyone else taking the time to help me.

 

Yes--i have met his sister on more than one occasion--probably about 5 times i think. So--does that make it more likely that it was his sister and him not putting some other girl under her? Wouldn't it make more sense to put it under someone i had never met or maybe even the girl's name he has known since pre-teens or even a guy. But-Putting it under a guy's name definitely wouldn't have worked though because of the text message saying "he's a centerfold" lol.

 

Anyway--suppose this person was not his sister and obviously she is coming to him with problems and they are sharing things. Wouldn't have this happened more often? Wouldn't he haven gotten other calls i probably would have been suspicious about? We spend about 3 nights together and most times i stay over. Obviously if a girl is sending a text about something going on with her and another guy--they had to have had some to get to that point and i don't understand where he would get the opportunity to develop that. He tells me he only speaks to two girls. Noone else from his past. You don't just randomly meet some guy and start going to them for advice.(atleast i don't) With that said--(tell me if you think i am just trying to convince myself of this. I feel i am just trying to rationalize things though) if it is another girl--wouldn't stuff like this be going on more often when i am around him rather than just this time where i suddenly got worried it wasn't his sister?

[nottoogreen]

Hi MJ,

 

I would talk to his sister ASAP.

 

As I said in my first reply, you have to fell his feelings...

 

... and one message does not make sense

 

Thought about the message if it is another girl he turned away and she want's to make trouble: she sends "He is a centerfold" at 2am...

 

It is a loose only scenario for him, is'nt it?

[MJMJ]

What do you mean by loose scenario to him? And i can't just knock on the door and ask his sister. I only see her on occasions. The only way for me to really know is to get the nerve to copy down the number, call up and hope her name is on the v-mail and not some other girl's name.

[diamond]

MJ,

 

I think your intuition is up to something. First of all, his defensive reaction tells me that he's hiding something. He's probably not cheating on you with her (not for now, I hope not, or even later - just be careful), but I do think that you are right that he's pretty close with that person. The fact of the matter is, it doesn't seem like he's telling you the truth. If a person has to lie to you to your face, they don't respect you. And don't subject yourself to unhealthy relationships where your partner is (or will be): emotionally, physicallly, and/or verbally abusive towards you. I know from experience. It hurts a lot.

 

If you can't trust him, or if he's not willing to be completely open and honest, I'd say keep your distance and slowly walk way from the relationship. No one deserves to be in a relationship where they know, deep down inside, that something just isn't or doesn't feel right. Besides, you are just dating. There is no forcing love. If he cares, he will be honest without being defensive, and without yelling at you.

[nottoogreen]

What do you mean by loose scenario to him? And i can't just knock on the door and ask his sister. I only see her on occasions. The only way for me to really know is to get the nerve to copy down the number, call up and hope her name is on the v-mail and not some other girl's name.

 

Loose only scenario - I am concerned about the effect on trust between the two of you. You contact his sister and he will know. You worry, he will know.

 

Anyway, perhaps just get the number and call it and hope it is her.

[makeshiftdoll]

Hi MJ,

 

Why don't you ask him how his sister is doing regarding the "guy problem"? Express some mild concern and see how he reacts.

 

The 2 AM call situation can lean both ways, but ultimately, I wouldn't be *too* concerned if he held the conversation in the vicinity of you, let alone in the same room!

 

Furthermore, in the case that he was advising a female friend of his, it is possible that he didn't want you to grow too concerned about a close friendship with a female friend that is, in fact, completely innocent... but if that is the case, his "covering up" will only make you more suspicious and he should be totally honest with you.

 

I say, if this is going to consume you, then I would either bring it up casually again (inquiring about his sister) or tell him why the whole occurrence bugged you so much, and that you only worry because you care about your relationship's future. If he's a normal guy, he'll understand why the situation seemed a little odd, no matter how fantastic of a relationship you two have.

 

Best of luck to you.

[MJMJ]

That would be a way to go because i will find it hard to ask his sister since i rarely see her. But--if he can easily lie that it was his sister when it wasn't, he can easily lie further about the topic. Yes--he did speak in front of me and there actually wasn't much of a convo-just him kind of laughing saying a guy has to make a living somehow and then he asked the mom question. Then it seemed like she wanted to go and he just said ok as he was kind of laughing and that was it.

I really feel--unless he already changed the number is to get an opportunity to get the number. I know it sounds horrible but i feel like all i will do is wonder if he is being truthful about this. If he is--then i am worrying too much and need to relax and if i am right i will have to find a way to confront him. I actually should have said while they were talking..tell her i said hi and see how he reacted but i wasn't thinking at that moment.

[makeshiftdoll]

Well, it's never too late to bring something up if you are still feeling concerned about it.

 

In the past, when something like that has happened to me (not so much a similar situation as just a situation where I was feeling suspicious), I would say something like "Gosh, I'm sorry to be harping on this, but I just can't shake that weird feeling from what happened the other day." and then say simply *why*. As long as you approach it with the proper attitude (read: not a raving lunatic), you should be able to discuss this openly and calmly - and hopefully, this will all be cleared up and you can be relieved and enjoy the rest of your relationship - and he will remember to be more considerate about 2 AM phone calls!

[makeshiftdoll]

P.S. Has he given you any reason to mistrust him? Past incidents?

[MJMJ]

Well i know everyone will have something to say about this.

 

Maybe the reason i got sooo suspicious is because i have caught him in this type of lie before but never mentioned it to him because i invaded his privacy to find out. In the beginning he told me he speaks to two girls..one of which he went out with but things ended mutually and that he only speaks to her sometimes and hasn't seen her. I gave him a hard time about it so i think to avoid further conflict--he changed the name to a guy friend i never heard of..the phone rang when in the car one time and he mentioned he was with his g/f and yada yada yada..i didn't believe it was his guy friend for whatever reason even though he TOLD ME it was. I eventually broke down, copied it down and called it. I went through a rough period when i found out it was her--debating whether he was cheating or just trying to avoid jealousy because he still wanted to keep in touch. I in turn, had a rough time with him--asking him certain questions constantly--just not being in a good mood. Eventually i think he knew i found out--he changed it back. Alot of more details go into this but this is this jist of it. Looking back at this--i honestly do not think he was messing around or keeping her on the side--i guess you never--but i think i'm trying to look at the bigger picture never hid it in the beginning--her name on the cell--until i gave him a hard time, altered it, then altered it back.

 

So--when he said look--it says its from my sis--i guess i had a flashback and just thought--that means nothing to me. Maybe he knew what i was thinking and that is why he said to call it then. I'm hoping he is not lying again. We had a huge argument about a lot of things months ago and i said i need completely honesty from you and he agreed. Why would someone make a mistake like that twice.

[MJMJ]

hey everyone

 

just giving you an update--i did in fact copy down the number awhile ago but i have not called it. I don't know if its b/c i feel like i should believe him b/c i know he is close with his sis--but i think eventually i will just call and make sure.

[nottoogreen]

Hi MJMJ,

 

Reading ENA and giving friendly advice made me realize how important positive thinking is. Your positive thoughts and resulting enthusiasm will be the best medicine for your relationship.

 

Being positive will make you a stronger person, essentially without worry.

 

Sure, anyone can lie and cheat, and it does hurt, but by being positive and strong on can recover easier and faster.

 

Keep up the good work.