My g/f broke up with me

[Alberto]

My gf of over 5 years broke up with me last week citing 'i dont feel the same and i want some time to focus on myself'. We've both been kind of in a rut in our lives but I've recently graduated with an AA and am ACTIVELY looking for a better job for a few weeks now. She's about to enter graduate school and is fed up with her job. We didn't have major fights or have any nasty jerry springer-like episodes but instead gave each other plenty of space and were always eager to help each other out. She still lives with her parents at the age of 27, while I share an apartment. As far as I knew, we adored each other until recently. I want her back.

 

Right after she dropped the bomb (on the phone no less) and after i kind of ribbed her for being unusually indifferent, we are no longer a couple. I didn't know about NC until I came accross this site a couple days ago.

 

In a nutshell, I've learned that she contacted an ex boyfriend within the past month and she said she still has feelings for him but vehemently denies that that is the reason for the breakup and even denies up and down that she has any plans on becoming romantic with him. During the ugly first 2 days, I learned the guy's name, his cellphone number and his myspace account. I was very close to calling him to have a one on one with him and let him know to back off unless she has lied to me more than I even know, in which case he can have fun with a liar like that and enjoy HPV, but I didn't do it.

 

We hung out on Sunday and had a decent time window shopping and eating at a restaurant in NYC. We were very cordial with each other and did a little bit of deep talking. I gave her at least 2 crystal clear opportunities to give me the 'thats it' but she didn't. She instead said it's not over, but became rigid like a school girl when I went in for a peck on the lips when we said good bye. We have had brief convos on the phone and email on a daily basis. She even sends faxes of my resume for me if asked.

 

She has offered on some future date that she will come to 'pick up her stuff' and hinted that she still finds me hot. This is embarrassing to say but I learned early when we first started dating that I have gotten HPV and she then contracted it. All signs say I'm the one that got it...

 

Should I call her asking her to fax a couple resumes today? She always asks how I am doing as in how am I coping. She also sent me an email last night stating she sent a couple faxes and she hopes i get a call but I haven't replied yet. I dont have access to a fax machine so she offered to fax resumes whenever and she has. Just before the break up, I was editing countless number of her essays to graduate schools so it's not just one-sided.

 

Please, any advice would be appreciated!

 

*moderator note: Removed post from someone else's thread to create a new one.

[brando]

Well sorry about the breakup, but it does sound like you both needed this break anyway. I don't know if their is a right or wrong thing to do. If you could gain access to a fax machine then maybe you will be better off sending out your own resumes. It will help with the two of you healing some more.

 

As far as the ex of hers you mentioned, i would not contact him at all. It will only make you look insecure in her eyes, and it doesn't sound like the type of thing you would do.

 

I guess detachment is the best thing for you to do. Give her all the space i the world she needs, and try not to argue with her, this is why many many here suggest NC. It is like a boxer going to their corner to rest up and heal, unfortunately though it is for a much longer time.

 

Keep the contact to a minimum since you two seem to be on a friendly basis from the break. I wouldn't change that too much, except where you have control over things like faxing your own resume. Think of the serenity prayer:

 

Grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change,

The courage to change the things i can

(and most importantly)

And the wisdom to know the difference.

 

I think these are great guidelines to live by.

 

Take care of yourself,

 

be well

brando

[JJRadical]

Let it go...she can contact whoever she wants...its your choice to stay or not to stay...don't be like every other guy on this forum and play yourself...her actions are speaking volumes...its over dude...she doesn't want to say it directly cause she knows you can't handle it which is rather obvious...time to start a new...terrifying but exciting!

[GottaLetItBurn]

Just walk away.

 

Don't fight for her, now is time for you to just feel the pain and don't waste another second on her. Sure you'll be thinking of her, but it's part of the process. It's over, you had a good run. Just focus on healing.

 

Contacting her will only push her further away and eat away at you as you get rejected more. Not fighting for her will show her she wasn't that great anyway, you will just be viewed as pathetic if you do.

 

Everytime you want to contact her remind yourself it will do no good. There is nothing to be said, just know that there is nothing you can do now.

[Russo]

I've tried it today, I broke NC. You know what it did? It crushed me completely. I'm not doing it anymore, sure I'll think of her, sure I'll hurt. Lots even. Everytime I remember the good things. But that's what they are, memories. Past tense. You got full control now, it might not feel that way at first, but you'll feel it eventually. It's your life, you can do whatever you want, with the person you (should) love most. Yourself.

 

Stay strong.

[Alberto]

Thanks for all of your advice. I am going to go on NC, you guys are 100% right. It's all so predictable though, she's going to realize the grass isn't greener some time in the future, think of why I just vanished from the face of the earth thinking I found someone else, call me up and then what? Don't get me wrong, for example today I'm having a TERRIBLE day coping but I haven't contacted her, as a matter of fact I'm trying to fight this nasty cold in order to go out to a party with this hot girl. I think the more NC will just lead me to resent her for not being upfront with me when she had the chance. The purpose of LC the previous days was sort of to give her a chance to redeem herself, to let her know I am understanding, and I think I did get that accross. Anyone want to take bets how long it'll take before she breaks NC?

[GottaLetItBurn]

Don't count on her fessing up. For me, the girl just trys to act like nothing happened and that she is just checking up with me like I was nothing. She also trys to act like I want to be her friend and texts me. I can't say that I don't miss her, but it's not about her. It's about me moving on, I need to ignore her, and I don't need people like that in her life.

 

Honestly you just have to face the fact that if a person can crush you like that then act like they are your friend and didn't do anything, why would you want an unstable fake person like that in you life?

[need2bme]

I am sorry dude...

 

The same thing just happened to me, about 9 days ago. I really don't understand the whole, I love you thing, but I just don't feel like I used to. I also understand what you guys write about that.

 

However, how in the world do you stay with someone that long (you 5, me 13 1/2) and then break up over the damn phone. That is pure chicken bleep!

 

Also, why would you hang out with someone, go to the movies with them, hold hands, make love to them and still then break up over the phone. That is cr*p.

 

Lastly, if she had someone else, then it was not fair to make love to me (for him, her and especially me).

 

Good luck dude!! Hang in there!!

[Alberto]

I am sorry dude...

 

The same thing just happened to me, about 9 days ago. I really don't understand the whole, I love you thing, but I just don't feel like I used to. I also understand what you guys write about that.

 

However, how in the world do you stay with someone that long (you 5, me 13 1/2) and then break up over the damn phone. That is pure chicken bleep!

 

Also, why would you hang out with someone, go to the movies with them, hold hands, make love to them and still then break up over the phone. That is cr*p.

 

Lastly, if she had someone else, then it was not fair to make love to me (for him, her and especially me).

 

Good luck dude!! Hang in there!!

 

thanks man. what little insight i have about how someone after so many years of being close etc...is that at least for my case, it involves cowardice like you said. cowardice on her part for not being able to be honest with me before having to come to this, and cowardice on my part for not putting my foot down when i first got a single inkling of something being awry and hoping that it'd smooth itself out like it did before.

 

I have no plans on contacting her unless i get desperate and decide to try to finesse a friends with benefits thing. I know that if she is jumping into another relationship, its a long distance relationship, he is no prize nor has he shown from what i know to be willing to bend over backwards for her. she knows full well i loved her dearly no matter what i say or dont say, or do or dont do now. that'll eat her from the inside when she starts missing our relationship.

 

i refuse to be second best and i refuse to be taken for a fool. if she doesnt realize and regret what she has lost, i know that she will have to live with * * * *ing up something very special the way she did. again, its literally a matter of time before she calls to check up on me or who knows what. i just dont know how i should react to it yet.

[need2bme]

Yeah, I know what ya mean.

 

I wonder though; is there some truth to the whole girls don't like nice guys thing? Will she really miss the relationship?

 

I don't mean to sound weird, but I was just thinking about how people leave and then come back. I want to be the one and only like you do, but we keep allowing everything to happen. Who am I to give advice? I do exactly the same thing. Why don't ya hang out with some of your girlfriends? This way, when/if she comes back, you will have something to occupy your mind.

 

I don't mean make love to them all or lead any of them on. I just mean that when my GF came back one of the times, after calling us "just friends", I was talking and hanging out with 2 other girls. It made it easier. Of course, my stupid a** went back to her.

 

It always seems fun at first and then goes wrong. There is NO way to make it work, unless both roll up their sleeves. You are the only one to know if too much water is under the bridge.

 

I just feel so comfortable around my GF (or at least I did) and she is the first person I want to run too. It makes me sad that I can no longer do that.

 

I don't know how to get past the awkward stuff, so I hope you do better. I think it is a good idea to at least attempt NC. I wanted to know why this and that and it has not made me feel any better..

 

Keep posting...

[Alberto]

i totally understand what you're saying. this weekend was a beautiful weekend as in weather, but otherwise it was the pits. all sorts of things starting to go wrong for me, and its getting to me. on top of it it all, i've been starting to dwell on her again just like you are. what if she isn't missing me, what if she is completely relieved to pursue grass is greener guy, what if she thinks i'm having the time of my life since i dont call her or anything so thereforeeee she thinks she did the right thing...its kind of sucking right now but i dont think calling her will help me or help getting her back in any way.

 

when it rains in pours lol. i just cant wait to look back on all of this and shake my head, glad that its over. i just dont know when that day will be. good luck, man. remember to allow yourself to have bad days or moments. its ok.

[need2bme]

but, I don't always agree that NC is the right thing. I wish I could do it, but I can't. Also, I am new to the breakup world again, after 13 years. The problem was that when things went wrong or she did not feel comfortable, she would come running to me.

 

Of course, it seems as when the magic fades, so do they. If there is something that we do not like them doing, why do they still do it? Why do we? I am reading a book by Dr. Amen, entitled "Change Your Brain, Change Your Life". In it, he speaks of not acting on feelings. He goes on to state that it is god to think about the feelings first and then find evidence to back them up. Who does this? We would just argue and then I still want her back.

 

If you are not good enough now, I don't know how you could be. I was thinking too (though I really do hope that my GF and I can work things out), that even if someone changes, how do you not hold the past against them. You are thinking of how you want it and so am I, but I know that the minute I feel like I am being put second, I will probably say something about it (even if she did not mean it).

 

How do you figure out that the past does not equal the present?

 

Anyway, sorry about the rant. I think about my GF all the time. It is interfering in my work. You stated "when it rains it pours"; well how about this...

 

I came up here with the ful intention of paying off my debt, so that she and I could work things out. I took a job my friend offered so that I could be back in the field. I then came up here. My mind kept telling me I was doing the right thing. So I really did not try to hard to find a job back home, as quickly as I could have. I attributed this originally to subconsiously not wanting to be with my GF, but in reality, after speaking with my therapist, I agree that my will to do the right thing and pay off my bills was the right thing to do. I should have been trying to get home.

 

The reality of it, was that I was having an "inner civil war", to quote Anthony Robbins. Consider this, I want to go home, but I can't because of bills. I cannot pay the bills off ever, as I had to live off my cards when I did not have a job and am mad 'cause I feel I am being force to do what I don't want and all the time I am giving the GF a hard time and think hey, "you just don't get it and you would if you cared".

 

So, I am up here trying to get everything to work, so I can get home. then, my GF takes my home away. I never wanted to be up here and missed my home greatly. However, I did nothing to change it. I cannot blame her for that. I had prayed that God show me if I am to be with her and he did. Then, the current job, with which I was going to lengthen the contract with, so I could at least be closer, lets me know that they are ending my contract. I could go to this other state for a job for 3 months and a lot of $, but again, it will not begin to pay off all the debt, so if that is why I am doing it, it will not work. I did not run up the debt frivolously, for the most part and now it has cost me my relationship. I should have find another way (credit counseling, bankruptcy, etc.) I have tried for a while to get things paid off and it may not be possible. Now I have nothing. I have to go back to an apartment to hang out with a woman who no longer wants me.

 

When it rains, it does pour...

 

How do you know what is her and what is you? How do I? I miss my GF so much and she will not even take my calls sometimes. I want to talk with her and ask her why, but I cannot. All I can do is feel like I want to throw up, find things to bide my time (which isn't helping right now) and hope she will want me back.

 

Let's try and think about all the good stuff we are doing or we have done.