Hey guys!

[Gracelove]

Hey guys! It's me again.

I feel like I want to cry. I went to therapy today, and I really can't even bring myself to think about the details of the rape.

I can think of the rape in general terms, but I can't think of it in any other way.

I can't, I refuse to, it's like, I can't take it.

And that scares me, thinking about the rape in any detail terrifies me.

I can't let myself.

I can finally name something about it that terrifies me, thinking of the details terrifies me.

I feel weak, and powerless at times.

This is going to sound crazy....I've admitted to being raped, but part of me still wants to scream, "No I wasn't!".

I just can't bare to think of how brutally that person treated me.

I can't believe it. I don't want to believe it.

I mean my life was so much better before I got raped.

Soooooooooooo much better than it is now.

I feel like if I deny it, then things will magically turn back to normal, but I know that's wishfully thinking.

I hate to sound childish, but that sucks!!!!!

N-Eways, I feel so ashamed of myself because there are things that I still hadn't acknowledge.

I've been trying to ignore it, or just living with it, but..I'm always aware of my vagina now, ya know.

It's like I feel wrong down there.

I know that in reality I'm healthy when it comes to that, but it's something in my mind that I can't seem to shake...so I just live with it.

I mean, does that feeling ever go away? Will I ever feel okay down there again? I know it's a mind thing.

Hey, do you think people can be hypnotized (spelling?) to forget about a rape?

I don't really want to be hypnotized because I don't like the idea of someone playing with my mind, but what do you think?

I wonder..............................?

N-Eways THANKS TO ALL OF YOU WONDERFULLY-SUPPORTIVE PEOPLE ON THIS WEBSITE!

If not for you life would be soooooooo much harder.

I mean, it's times like this, where I feel I don't have any friends who truly understand...........I would feel totally alone most of the time if not for this site.

I am taking baby steps, I called my dean and teachers today, so I'm making strides towards the whole school situation.

My dad is coming to visit me, and I'm a little worried.

He might feel sad, ya know......I've gained 30lbs. since the rape and the last time he saw me was before the rape occurred.

I didn't think about it until my therapist mentioned it, but I do feel like people might know I've been raped.

I didn't think about it like that, I just felt like I didn't want people to see how down-hill I've gone since that incident.

Oh well, thanks for listening guys!

[avman]

Yes, those feelings you talked about will go away with time. These are all things you have to come to terms with.

 

I would advise you not to focus so much on forgetting what happened. Moreso what you have to do is come to terms with what happened, accept that it happened and it is in the past, and that it was not a statement of you nor anything that you did or didn't do. It happened to you. And it is something you will move on from.

 

You do not need to be ashamed (though I can understand that you feel that way). Bad things happen to good people. You are taking things one day at a time and thats the best way to go. Do not worry about how things will be 6 months from now. Focus on today and perhaps tomorrow. Use your therapist to help provide a support system for you.

 

When you feel strong enough, bring your other trusted friends and family into your support circle. I think you will be amazed at how much it will help.

 

And your dad will not feel sad. He loves you. He just wants to make sure his baby girl is ok.

[Phoenix69]

Hey Gracelove,

You mentioned therapy? How do you find it? I personally was raped two years ago. At my house, in my bed, by someone I had only met that evening. I told the police. After a lot of "talking about it" I didn't want to acknowledge the event any further than that. I thought it would all end there. But it didn't. I had to go to court, stand trial and a whole heap of other "official business". After reporting it to the police I found out that I was number seven in a series of rapes this man had committed. Mostly drug and alcohol driven (by this I mean he used drugs and alcohol to make his victim an easy target)

My point in telling you this is that I stopped a serial rapist from doing it to anybody else. Stopped him from being able to inflict the complete and utter shame I felt afterwards. Even though I knew it was NOT my fault, I continued to blame myself for a good years or so.

 

Sorry but you don't go into much detail about your case (I completely understand why!) but if you wanted to PM me you are more than welcome, cause I understand where you are coming from.

 

I ignored my pain for nearly two years. Only within the last month or so have I started counselling for this and other bits and pieces about my life that have worried me since the day I was able to understand that things in life that happen to you, can have a serious effect on your personality and how you live your life.

 

Gracelove, I know it hurts to think about this event, but believe me, the more you supress these feelings of fear and hurt, later on in life, this may effect relationships, friendships, even marrige and your kids and other necessities in life. I feel your pain and understand better than most what it feels like to be so afraid of something that you just push it away and TRY and forget about it. It won't happen huney...

[itsallgrand]

Grace, hang in there hun. You're doing great.

 

To know it happened, and to say it outloud, is a huge step. I know though: to intellectually know it and to accept it through and through are two totally different things.

Our bodies remember things that our minds don't always remember. It can take some time to get them both on the same track.

It's very normal to want to resist with all our might. It is so hard for our minds to handle. It's such a huge reality to absorb all at once.

 

I had my share of screaming fits, yelling my guts out 'nooo! noo!'. Sometimes I was really shocked at what was coming out of my own mouth.

 

It will get better with time. You'll remember at the pace your mind and body is ready for. This may sound trite: but just go with the flow. You ARE making progress.

I'm so happy you are in therapy, that helped me so very much. Day by day, a little bit more gets worked through. You get a little stronger with each breath.

 

avman is right on dad just wants to see his little girl.

Please believe me; once you are standing there with him, and you see his love for you in his eyes, it will all be okay. He might be sad a little bit; but only bc it's hard to see you hurting.

Seeing him could be very healing - he loves you.

 

take care.

 

p.s. Congrats on the progress with the school situation.

[surya]

seeing that i am new here, i would keep a lot of thoughts to myself for now, but is there anyone here now who has gone through the trauma of rape or sexual abuse and has 'turned out fine'. have you been able to move on with your life and how long did it take you to reach to this point?

[Managor]

It's good to hear how much initiative you've been taking, Gracelove, I hope things get better for you.

 

And Surya, I'm new here as well, don't be afraid to comment and start new topics, the more responses people get the better.

[surya]

i am a little hesitant though. i have had experiences of my own that never seem to disappear, eventhough it may not be in focus at the time , there is always that lingering feeling of shackles. this is why i am asking about someone who has been here, and succeeded in putting it behind enough to move on unhindered.

[sonjam]

Surya, it is hard to do it on your own.

By talking to a professional who slowly and deliberately take you through your feelings, and supressed emotions you will be able to heal, and continue to have a happy normal life. It can be done, I did it.