I hate her guts. How can I move on?

[Bigbilly]

Howdy all.

 

Long story short, ex-girlfriend moved to college and promptly broke up with me. Wanted to date and have sex with other guys in college. Proceeded to badmouth me up and down to her new friends, and pinned all of her problems of the past few years, of which she'd had many, on me. Essentially, her arguments with her parents and her sister, her money woes (and now she's going to one of the most expensive colleges in the state, which she barely made it into last year), and emotional issued ...all disappeared. All the problems she'd driven me up the wall with for the two years we dated were unimportant, and suddenly I, the person who did the most I could to support and help her, was the only thing making her unhappy.

 

It was a bad breakup. We aren't friends. We don't talk. She broke up with me over the phone. She's made a few pathetic attempts to contact over the past year or so, consisting of two IM's and a friend attempt on Facebook. All three of which I ignored or refused. In her last IM, she brought up her major and the issue of money which she thought she might be making some day. You see, before we broke up, I was curious as to what jobs she could get with her major when she graduated, and she interpreted it as me doubting her. Her final IM seemed like an attempt to provoke me, and I ignored it. A few days later, she finally took me off her IM (I had taken her off many months before).

 

I hate her guts. I still think about her every day, yes, but in a bad way. I just want to ask her "Who the Hell do you think you are? Telling people I am some loser you only dated because you pitied me?"

 

I am not a loser. I am not the introverted sociopath she's made me out to be, and it just really burns my butt that she's getting some rise out of trash talking me. Any tips on what I can do to just put this behind me already? I am sick of thinking about her, even if all I am doing it loathing her.

[teacup]

look. i see this in breakup threads time and time again. ppl expect that by doing good, they will get something back in return. that simply doesn't work.

 

you give only if u want to give. thenonly things you should really expect are for them not to backstab you or mistreat you. but other than that, whether they want a relationship or to continue knowing you is UP to them.

 

you can't just tie someone down like that, say i gave you this and that, so you owe me, you owe yourself to be with me.

 

the world doesn't work that way. and i dare say, you wouldn't like it if a girl demanded that from you, that if she was really good to you, you should be with her.

 

sure some ppl are more loyal, more faithful, and some ppl are less. BUT the bottom line is still, give to give. don't give because u have expectations or strings attached.

 

i was really good to the abuser. i dont want to be with him in anyway, i dont expect him to want to be with me because i was good to him. it is HIS loss and he knows it. but i did expect him not to hurt me or backstab me. beyond that though...there are no rules.

[Bigbilly]

Wait ...what?

 

I don't want anything from her. The only thing I want is to finally just forget about her. I wish I could take all my memories of her and throw them away like I did all her love letters and presents.

[teacup]

there there, you will be okay. i dare say you aren't alone. out of the common threads i read on this forum, the most common is breakup/relationship pain.

 

welcome to the club, there's millions of ppl in it.

[JJRadical]

Your hurt. Its over. Your obviously upset she went away to college and don't deny it. Just take it one day at a time,treat it like a drug addiction and don't contact her and a few months later you'll forget all about it. Quit being a victim...who cares what she says...time to move on and start preparing yourself for the singles scene...Frank Sinatra said it best, "The best revenge is success." Stop wasting your energy on drama and be somebody...the world is full of littel boys, now you have a chance to learn and be a man...

[Bigbilly]

There's no pain anymore. I'm beyond all that.

 

Havent you ever been so insulted by somebody that it just rankles you for the longet time? You just wanna corner the person, read them the riot act, and put them in their place.

 

I get the feeling you're bringing something personal into this, Teacup. Sometimes that sorta insight can be helpfull, but here you're just confusing me.

[Bigbilly]

Your hurt. Its over. Your obviously upset she went away to college and don't deny it. Just take it one day at a time,treat it like a drug addiction and don't contact her and a few months later you'll forget all about it. Quit being a victim...who cares what she says...time to move on and start preparing yourself for the singles scene...Frank Sinatra said it best, "The best revenge is success." Stop wasting your energy on drama and be somebody...the world is full of littel boys, now you have a chance to learn and be a man...

 

Yeah, I was upset. Now I'm just pissed off. It's not really what she did at this point, but how she did it. And why is she trying to get in touch with me I have such "issues", as she has made a point of saying. I've never been so insulted in my life, because of her lies. It's like she can't just at least admit she broke up with me to cut loose. Oh no, then she would be a * * * *. She has to tell people she broke up with me because blah blah I suck blah blah.

[JJRadical]

Not WAS upset. You ARE upset. Otherwise you wouldn't start a thread with words and phrases like "pissed off" and "hate." You don't have to answer the phone. You can hang up on people. NEVER BEEN SO INSULTED IN ALL YOUR LIFE? Who are you Bigbilly? You need some HUMILITY. Your hurt because you still like her. Otherwise you wouldn't care. Now quit playing games and make a life for yourself...

[teacup]

well, then she's not very cool and it's better ur not with her. sometimes when we break it off, we see another side of the person that's just not attractive or classy. and it helps us to move on.

 

the anger stage is a process of healing.

 

there are 5 stages i believe? grief, sadness, fear, ....err...i forgot. but it's natural.

[Bigbilly]

Well Teacup, I am glad it is a stage of healing then.

 

I wanna say here, before this might get heated, that I'm not trying to get angry here. I am taking what you guys are saying seriously.

 

It's just this. I have already considered all this mean. When I say I dislike her, I mean it. I dont want her back. If she calls me, I won't answer. If she shows up my doorstep (which she never would. She doesn't have the backbone), I would send her on her way.

 

I am doing quite well for myself these days. I am in the best physical shape of my life (almost down to 10% body fat now), I love my college classes, and I am going to be a CA at a college apartment complex this Fall. I guess the only reason I am even thinking about her anymore is this long and boring summer, and that the friends I have right now are all boring and I can't get them to hang out or anything.

 

Simply put, I still feel some indignant anger over her lies. Hopefully, this Fall I will have a lot of new people to meet and she'll finally be pushed out of my thoughts altogether, but I just wonder if I need some sort of "closure", as it were.

[JJRadical]

"Closure" is another word for still attached. You decide whats closed to your life and whats not.

[Lady Bugg]

Billy, first of all..there's nothing wrong with feeling angry over being treated like crap by someone. It's completely normal. If YOU feel she lied to you and treated you horribly and you are still stewing....then thats ok. You aren't doing anything to hurt anyone by having these feelings..except yourself. I heard a saying a LONG time ago that ALWAYS helpled me get over a grudge:

 

Holding a grudge is useless....while you're home stewing,in anguish or hurting, or seething with rage...the object of your anger is most likely out

having the time of their life...so what good does it do?

 

Forgiveness is a powerful tool.....it can help you move on and get the closure YOU seek.

[Bigbilly]

Yeah, I've definitely taken that to heart. I've been out, active, doing stuff and living a good life. I don't sit at home and stew. It's more akin to a bug bite that, ever time I move the wrong way, starts to itch and won't go away.

 

I made a vow to myself, a while back. You know when you run into someone you haven't seen in a long time, and they look terrible? I decided that if I will never be that person. If I run into someone I haven't seen in a while, I am going to look fantastic, and I do. I've gotten fairly cut as far as build goes, and I know my worth and it's given me all sorts of confidence. I'm told by a lot of people that I am very noticeable in a crowd, that I am well-spoken and confident, that I look great and all of that even is what helped me get my job as a CA.

 

Don't worry. I am not sitting in a dark room gnawing on my fingernails. This is just some old splinter I want to pull out already and get rid off. It's that part that is still bugging me, though.

[Lady Bugg]

LOL Billy....the visul of you sitting in a dark room gnawing your fingernails made me laugh.... Dear god ..please don't do that!

 

Anyway..I know what you mean about getting in shape. I too have been on a workout regimine..and it's boosted my confidence tremendously. I do understand her being a thorn in your side..but just remember: YOu are in control and YOU control what happens to you..no one else.

[Cynder]

It sounds like you are being the bigger person all around in the situation. Who cares what her new friends think? You don't know them, they don't know you.I can relate to this. My ex did some simalar things to me. He spread some pretty nasty things about me around town, none of which were true. I have posted about this here a little, lol.But it sounds like you have handled it very well. Best of luck to you.

[FCTex]

There's no pain anymore. I'm beyond all that.

 

Havent you ever been so insulted by somebody that it just rankles you for the longet time? You just wanna corner the person, read them the riot act, and put them in their place.

 

I get the feeling you're bringing something personal into this, Teacup. Sometimes that sorta insight can be helpfull, but here you're just confusing me.

 

 

There is really just a few simple ways to get over someone and get it all behind you..

 

For you, you are on the opposite end of the spectrum of it all. Like most, they woe about their ex, and want them back, want to fix all the problems and try again. And then there is you. Who has such a burning, and I dare use it loosely.. hate for your ex, that the sheer thought of her makes you shoot flames...

 

You hate her so much you can't let her go... Think of it as dealing with a child if you will.. Because I know what you feel like.. it's a child.. The more you "taunt" yourself with all the ill feelings, the longer you hold it.

 

Get over it man. You know your not a loser, you know your not this bad person she painted you as. Who cares. You don't see her, talk to her, or see her family/friends. Your no longer part of her social circle and regardless if you are, it wouldn't matter at this point.

 

It's YOU, who hasn't moved on finally. You know that. Just drop it... Seriously.. Drop it. Whats hating her every morning when you wake up going to do? It's not proving anyone wrong, and it's certainly not re-painting you in a better light.

 

She screwed up. You won. You didn't have to deal with her crap anymore. Your a free man.

 

And trust me.. I know what it's like to just have the burning bitter taste of an ex in your mouth from months past... I'm coming up on a year here, and I still sometimes just get so irritated at the actions of my ex I could squeeze water out of a rock, and I can't easily remove myself from her life as I would have loved too.

 

Stay strong. Get over it and let go, and you'll realize your doing nothing but hating some empty words said by some empty person.

[SummerLove]

It sounds as though she's having a problem actually letting go of you even though she dumped you. She probably thought you were going to chase after her or something and is taken aback that you didn't. She obviously has no respect for anybody if she treats you that way. She's probably just upset that you don't give a care about her. I think she's dying for attention and can't stand that you aren't delivering. Nice job by the way. Just remember this. She's the one who has to sit there and come up with all the BS that she's saying, so ultimately, she's just digging herself into a hole. You on the other hand have accepted the loss and are trying to move on. I suggest going on a very long vacation to get away from EVERYTHING.

[Orlander]

Bigbilly, there is a book that I began reading not more than 2 days ago. It's title is Anger and it is by a very well known Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh. You can find it in any bookstore and I highly recommend it to you.

 

Anger is something you must move beyond. It might take time and a lot of effort, but living a good and happy life is the best revenge (if there really is such a thing).

 

Good luck and keep posting if you need to. We are here to listen to you.

 

 

Orlander

[Spugly Fuglet]

Im not going to as others have here about moving on and all the new kinds of self help just waiting to make you feel better.

 

Im old old old school, in my sig you sill see

 

"Truth, Strength and Honor"

 

Its Roman, and was used as words ment for thows that held them as vurtues. With me hate has a use, an X GF did to me what as been done to you and I hated so. That even to this day the idear of what she is and what I have become makes me smile, she is a dead loss lives alone in a small house with a dead end job looking for her 2 weeks away each year in the sun, smokes, drinks and looks like ****.

 

believe it or not we are freands and talk often, but I have never forgotten the way she treated me when I was 21 and she 19. I made a veow that I would go to collage (which I did at 23) and I would do more see more and be more than her. She like your X bad mouthed me and pulled me down to show she was grate and me a losuer.

 

But like I said we are mates not, We have talked of that time and she has told me that, she did not feel the same way about me as I did her and it was wrong what she did after.

 

After 19 years, I have moved on but I have not forgotten the gift she gave me in her acts, to prove her wrong I pushed myself. After her there have been other who think it fun to throw me away. Shame on them for each one hart me but made me fight to make my self better and more.

 

You got kicked in the N***s by some one who was very close, you have gotten back up and by the looks of things your makeing your self a better man, wile shes just the same and thinks her self winner from this, more fool her.

 

Hate her yes

Forgive her yes

Forget her yes

 

Now stop rubbing your n**s at get out there and find THE ONE.

[gersanos]

What's up brother?

 

I'll give you two perspectives here.

 

1 - It is good that you hate her. You are not pining for her, nor are you begging for her back. Unfortunately, you spent a considerable amount of time with her and got close with her, and this is how it ended. She didn't "change," in fact, this is who she is. Very rarely do people change - only on the brink or when "hitting bottom" will people change (minor changes excluded). I am glad that you realize this now about her, and are NOT in the position of begging for her back.

 

2 - In high school I had a job where my supervisor had 10+ years sobriety with the help of a 12 step program. Although I hadn't known him when he was feeding his addiction, you can tell he was a changed man from the stories he used to tell me. This man had a twinkle in his eye, and literally never worried about anything - he had this sort of philosophy and aura to him. One of the many things he said to me I still remember and try to incorporate in my life: Resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Powerful words mate. I still keep in contact with him as he is an invaluable rock to lean on.

 

In time, you will have to let go and forgive her. That doesn't mean speaking with her, or being her friend, or anything like that, but in your heart, you have to finally close the door by letting go of that hatred. I know it's hard, I've been there once before - it was as if I did not want to let go, but, as that expression above goes, I was only hurting myself. Learn to forgive, but never forget.

 

And as someone already mentioned in this thread, this was a dose of humility. I too struggled with that concept with the girl I once hated - How dare she do this to ME? I pointed every extension of my body at her, and not on me. But with some time, I finally learned to truly let go. I'm not sure if you are a spritual man of any sorts, but, another thing that my former boss said to me was when you resent someone, pray for them. Pray for there health, there well being, there happiness, and for there success. I know it's sounds very odd, but it's amazing how much it helps.

[Spugly Fuglet]

gersanos->

 

Resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

 

Thats so good I necket it, as an recovaring alcaholic myself you old boss sounds a hell of a good guy.

 

and all your words ring true, I have prayed for many who have done me harm and it do help.

[teacup]

to be honest, i don't know if i believe you. i have heard bitter, angry men say they are over their exes when it is clear that they are still angry, bitter, resentful and SO not over it.

 

because if you were over it, wouldn't you be totally utterly indifferent? not angry?

[Fivek]

Spugly Fuglet and Gersanos hit it right on the nail with their posts.

 

I have a feeling you'll feel much better when you find yourself in a new setting surrounded by new wonders this coming fall. How many things have changed in the past year around you? Sometime's we all need a change of scenery to kickstart our systems.

[Bigbilly]

So much of what was said is true. And believe me, I know it all. I guess sometimes you just need to hear some else say it to make it real enough to understand.

 

I don't know what the deal is with her, anyways. If I am such a monster? Why the friend attempts? Why the IM's? Is she trying to provoke me, because that was the impression I got with her last attempt.

 

And yes, when I knew her, she was worse than a kitten when it comes to needing attention. It wasn't uncommon of her to call two or three times a day with nothing to talk about, and then not let me hang up the phone. Grah ....vent vent vent.

[temujin]

I know your situation.. I was in it and still in it to an extent..

 

same thing.. 3.5 years.. left me for another guy (she claims she did not but hey its just 1 day after our breakup when they start exclusive.. )

 

found out all the cheating myself...

 

at first I tried to contact her.. begged. etc.... everytime she came up with a new different reason why I am crap..

 

finally went NC...

 

then she message me on msn on day out of the blue... she texted me etc...

 

same "I still treat you as a friend" crap.

 

I hate her to the core and I still hurt after nearly 6 months..

 

but really it has faded somehow and its still fading...

 

I guess forgiveness also takes time and forgiveness also mean that you have to come to terms with the pain your ex inflicted on you... I guess true forgiveness can only be achieved with time when the pain is nothing more than a nagging reminder of a previous significant relationship..

 

good luck