In My Mind

[Aporia]

I'm having one of those moments where everything that seems to be on my mind lately, comes together and I feel utterly helpless. Right now there's a heat wave. We've had really hot sunny weather for the last two days and it's set to continue for the next week or so.

 

That should be a good thing right. No, not for me I've my final exams starting on wednesday so I'm inside all day listening to the sound of summer outside and since my rooms in the attick I've sky light windows looking directly out onto the blue sky. Tomorow it's going to be really sunny. The thing that worries me the most is that I couldn't study ATALL. The heat wears me out. It's the worst feeling and I need to cram for these exams which last a week and a half.

 

I've had a sort of complicated problem where I got blamed for something I didn't do that I don't feel like going into. I'm a bit disapointed in myself for doing nothing about it, but I think maybe I was too upset at the time and now I guess it's too late.

 

I lost him. That's what's upseting me the most. He thinks I'm someone I'm not. Now I can't blame him since we've barely known each other or should I say had know each other 2 months maybe even less I'm not sure. I'm not exactly expecting any replies to this because I'm so boring.

 

I pretend. Allot. I act like I'm perfectly happy with my physical apperance around others. Guys I've met in the past would give me comments and then ask me would I change anything about my apperance to which I'd reply No not a sigle thing I'm happy with the way I look what I am is what makes me, me. Obviously not everyone has asked those exact words but along those lines. I appear confident but I hate the way I look. I can't explain it. I know I'm pretty but at the same time I hate myself. In the last two weeks or so I haven't been eating and dropped only a few pounds which I'm disapointed with again. I feel like I'm not trying my best, doing everything half heartedly. I'm on 129 at the moment at 5'7 and have never weighed less but still feel incomplete. My existence is fat. When I see other girls/ women on the street I see their weight only.

 

I try so hard to get the right amount of minerals, potein ect. in my diet but I always feel unhealthy. I try eating apples, nuts and seeds, oatmeal, spinach, bananas, oranges, red meat, oily fish brown breads and rice ect. but I never feel healthy enough it's so hard regulating the whole thing.

 

I went to the doctor this morning because I feel so weak and tired all the time and he sent off four different blood tests to be examined. I can't wait for the results I need to know what my bodys lacking. I find it so hard to keep active I've been running a few miles twice/maybe three times a week on sundays I swim and have joined a gym recently but I can't cope with my tiredness. It's something in my diet that I'm lacking and that's what's causing this but I don't know and it's killing me I need to know. I can't concentrate anymore.

 

I realised the other day I've no REAL friends. None. That's so depressing it feels like I'm wasting my youth away. I'm 18 now and feel 78. I guess I don't know what actually being 78 feels like. But this is a final feeling.

 

I fear nothing more than getting old. Nothing.

 

I can't cope I know it sounds weird but I want to be 12 again so I can go through my teenage years, which have passed and gone now, again. So much regrets.

 

Sometimes at night when I can't sleep I go over, in my mind, all the stuff I wish I had what I don't have mostly about the way I look. I try then, to focus on the stuff I do have but it doesn't seem to help. When I'm on the net I get this weird thing that comes over me where I need to download about twenty different bands I never heard all at the same time. Then I see more and start panicing getting worked up about.

There's something seriously wrong with me.

One minute I'm one person the next minute I'm not

 

I've never had the same mood twice but each time I fall into this trap of depression... it gets worse.

[robowarrior]

I can see you in me.

 

There's 2 things, there are things in life that are totally out of your control (natural disasters,planes coming down, planets colliding) You don't have to worry about the things you can't control in life, so that would be 1/2 of all your problems falling of your shoulders already. Second there are things that you can control in life , but imagine the worst possible scenario , all the things you 'could' have controlled in your life go out of control and end up in disaster.

 

You know i failed and winned with abudance in my life and i can tell you this. What matters isn't winning or failing, what matters is that you are a winner if you keep on going if you fail.

 

They used to say ' I do my best, and God does the rest' in parabel to that you should focus on that what you can do, and leave the worries for what they are. You know life is about realising that winning isn't important, its everything.

 

So if you are realistic you will grab your money/creditcard and buy an airconditioner/fan so you keep it cool.

 

What's interesting about your situation is this. You can either go down, go in circles or you can go up. Your mind is going in circles over the same problems over and over again, i immediately advice you to throw/deal with everything that bothers you and throw it overboard, exceed and focus your entire effort on your exams, it doesn't matter if you blow it but don't blow it, you know in the end it comes down to that you have your future into your own hands. Doing nothing ,results in nothing in life, so do your best.