His ex is looking better than me- am I missing something?

[challenging_thought]

He just told me that he thinks I'm the best looking bird in the world, but most other men would find his ex better looking! What the hell does this mean?

Is that just sweet coating the truth?

 

He broke up with his ex 10 years ago (!), just before we met.

At that point, he described her to me as a girl with absolutely perfect body.

 

I am the person who, when in love in someone, finds him the most attractive and I'm proud to 'show him off'.

Now I feel like I'm the second best.

 

During our relationship (almost 10 years), he's been telling me how lucky he was to find such good-looking girl like me. I used to take that as a compliment, but now I'm wondering how important my looks are to him. And, if it's so important, doesn't that make me somehow inferior to his ex?

(I now I'm attractive and get a lot of attention from men, but, by no means, I have a perfect body)

 

What is going on here?

Am I missing the point?

[Dako]

You'd rather he told you something else?

Oy! You might find he likes you a bit. Why feel the need to compete with the ex. She's history for a reason. Many women would enjoy a guy telling her she's good-looking.

[RayKay]

Know the saying beauty is in the eye of the beholder?

 

I know plenty of men whom would not bat an eye if Heidi Klum threw herself in front of them naked, but would jump through fiery hoops for what others may consider "average". Perfect body, perfect mind, perfect face - all very subjective. I don't have a perfect body either, but I have had partners describe it as such none the less. Others don't see us how we see ourselves.

 

People also get more, or less, attractive the better you get to know them. My guess is if he is telling you he things you are very attractive 10 years in, you have nothing to worry about . Maybe he thinks you're hot, that's okay, why worry about it? If he loves you, he will find you hot even if you were "less perfect". My mum whom just had both her breasts removed due to cancer has a man (my stepfather) whom is all over her and thinks she is extremely beautiful!

 

The ex is in the past, don't let her spoil the present and the future you have.

[flower99]

I think it just means "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder"

He DOES find you to be the most beautiful women in the world (as he told you)

but others may find her better looking (she must be a super model..lol)

don't be threatend by it, Cause he is with you & broke up with her (notice her looks couldn't keep him - true beauty lies within)

[challenging_thought]

I don't have a perfect body either, but I have had partners describe it as such none the less.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

My point exactly! For him, she's the perfect one, not me!

If he thinks I'm the best, how come that, at the same time, he knows that other people would find her better?

Why would he think that?

That's the part I don't understand.

[challenging_thought]

Dako,

Are you saying that, when in love, you can find other women more attractive?

Doesn't that make you want them sexually?

[DN]

He just told me that he thinks I’m the best looking bird in the world, but most other men would find his ex better looking! What the hell does this mean?

It means you probably have a wrong idea about what other men would find attractive. But so what - it is what he finds attractive that matters.

[challenging_thought]

It means you probably have a wrong idea about what other men would find attractive.

You lost me.

What do you mean?

(You don't even know what I think men find attractive)

And how can that be so different from what HE thinks?

What I understand from this is that I only imagine that men find me attractive.

Is that what you'r trying to say?

[Dako]

Dako,

Are you saying that, when in love, you can find other women more attractive?

Doesn't that make you want them sexually?

 

I'm just one guy, but when I was married, I'd appreciate a pretty lady, but I never wanted them sexually. My ex was attractive for a helluva lot more that her wrapper. It pains me that so many women, especially young ones, think their appearance is all men care about. I've discussed this with lots of guys over the years and I don't believe it's true.

One thing that gets bandied about here is that men are "visual creatures."

I think that's a load of poo. Men, like women, are all individuals.

[DN]

You lost me.

What do you mean?

(You don't even know what I think men find attractive)

And how can that be so different from what HE thinks?

What I understand from this is that I only imagine that men find me attractive.

Is that what you'r trying to say?

 

Well we know you think that most men would find her more attractive than you and I am suggesting that you may be wrong about that. Unless other men have told you differently the only man to have expressed an opinion finds you more attractive.

[Dako]

I hang out with a group of guys near the beach. We do watch ladies walking by in everthing from thongs to business suits. Our convo freezes at some point, and while we don't ogle, hoot or act like pigs, we do make comments when one catches our eye. All of us have different opinions of feminine beauty, and a few admit to a chemical reaction to intelligent women.

[Entomon]

Oh my! If you think that's distraughting imagine dating a man whose ex-wife was a former NY model. Though I sometimes wondered if he made any comparison between the ex-wife and me, I knew that he liked me for more than just my physicals. I asked him why he's with me and he answered the following: Because you're intelligent, I can hold a conversation with you and you laugh at my dry, sarcastic jokes (he made other discreet references as well but I'm keeping quiet on those He never told me I'm beautiful and that's okay. I'd rather that he liked me for my beautiful mind.

 

I say don't worry about the ex with the "perfect body". Though he may still think so, why is he not relentlessly pursuing her? You obviously have something different from her that he's attracted to that's why he's with you. Don't rehash the past. It's bad for your sanity.

[RayKay]

I'm just one guy, but when I was married, I'd appreciate a pretty lady, but I never wanted them sexually. My ex was attractive for a helluva lot more that her wrapper. It pains me that so many women, especially young ones, think their appearance is all men care about. I've discussed this with lots of guys over the years and I don't believe it's true.

One thing that gets bandied about here is that men are "visual creatures."

I think that's a load of poo. Men, like women, are all individuals.

 

Well said Dako

 

Whom you are is not what you are on the outside, and more women need to see that in themselves!

[challenging_thought]

I hang out with a group of guys near the beach. We do watch ladies walking by in everthing from thongs to business suits. Our convo freezes at some point, and while we don't ogle, hoot or act like pigs, we do make comments when one catches our eye. All of us have different opinions of feminine beauty, and a few admit to a chemical reaction to intelligent women.

 

It's probably me again, but… if they have 'chemical reaction to intelligent women' how come that they don't hang out somewhere where they can meet intelligent women?

Somehow, hanging near the beach and watching ladies walking by doesn't strike me as looking for intelligent woman. In my opinion, it looks more like admiring 'wrapper' than anything else.

[challenging_thought]

We went out tonight and a guy was so obviously hitting on me, paying me compliments and stuff… (no, I didn't flirt with him)

All he had to say is that the guy must be drunk!

Again, does he think that someone must be drunk to like me?

[itsallgrand]

We went out tonight and a guy was so obviously hitting on me, paying me compliments and stuff… (no, I didn't flirt with him)

All he had to say is that the guy must be drunk!

Again, does he think that someone must be drunk to like me?

 

No. I think you are taking what meanings you are looking to find out of everything he says. Your poor guy can not win!

 

I remember with one bf I had, he once told me. "I have been with what men consider the hottest women to walk the earth. Perfect bodies, models. And when I look at you - you are the sexiest woman I have ever known."

At the time, I was somewhat insecure. I took this to mean "I am not as attractive as other women. He is settling for me. I suck. He doesn't find me as hot as them."

So I asked him "what do you mean by that?"

And it got silly.

 

Eventually I clued in. It was a compliment. He found me very sexy.

Keep in mind, sometimes men (just like women) can word things oddly.

They'll have the intentions of complimenting and saying something really nice, but to our ears sometimes it sounds all wrong, and we may not take it the way they meant it.

 

Stop worrying about it. Realize you are sexy and your man finds you attractive. (even though you want so badly, deep inside, to find evidence that this is not so.)

 

cheers

[Dako]

It's probably me again, but… if they have 'chemical reaction to intelligent women' how come that they don't hang out somewhere where they can meet intelligent women?

Somehow, hanging near the beach and watching ladies walking by doesn't strike me as looking for intelligent woman. In my opinion, it looks more like admiring 'wrapper' than anything else.

 

First off, we hang out at the beach not to find women but to fly kites.

We're members of a kite club that's been flying there since the 70s.

The wind off the water is better than anyplace in town.

Secondly, many of us are married.

And finally, intelligent women do go to the beach and some even fly kites.

A charming lady started flying with us recently who's a DNA researcher for a biochem company, with more degrees than a thermometer.

[challenging_thought]

Well we know you think that most men would find her more attractive than you and I am suggesting that you may be wrong about that. Unless other men have told you differently the only man to have expressed an opinion finds you more attractive

Well, maybe you got something there.

I DON'T think she is more attractive and I know some other people (men) think the same. Maybe that is what makes me tick.

If she were a supermodel, maybe I would understand.

When he says something like that about someone who is relatively plain in my eyes, he must feel something for her to see her that way (well, at least this is how my brain works at those times)

(And before anyone says that, I know it's not up to me to decide whom he finds attractive. Just trying to explain how I feel...)

 

First off, we hang out at the beach not to find women but to fly kites.

We're members of a kite club that's been flying there since the 70s.

The wind off the water is better than anyplace in town.

Secondly, many of us are married.

And finally, intelligent women do go to the beach and some even fly kites.

A charming lady started flying with us recently who's a DNA researcher for a biochem company, with more degrees than a thermometer.

Sorry if I offended you, it wasn't my intention.

I didn't mean to suggest that you go there to find women.

I also didn't mean to say that men would always fall for the most beautiful woman.

 

What I meant to say was: men spend so much time appreciating the wrapper, so some women (including me) feel that it is more important to them than it should be.

 

I understand that this is my problem; I'm just trying to get to the root of it. .

 

I apologise again if I was unpleasant, and thanks everyone for helping me.