seeking sexual advice

[sugarmomma]

I am writing this hoping to get some male perspectives but any feedback is welcome.

 

I have written before ( too many times) but it always helps to get new opinions.

 

My boyfriend was a 26 year old virgin when we starting dating. I am still not sure why he remained a virgin for so long. He is attractive and smart and he had some ample opportunities so lose his virginity. He says he was just waiting for the right person. Needless to say he lost his virginity on our second date.

 

Before we started dating my boyfriend had a very high sex drive and went to strip bars pretty often. He has always seem to have a very strong attraction to strippers.

 

We have openly talked about how I am not the "type" he would generally be attracted to but that his attraction to me has grow overwhelming as he has fallen in love with me. That okay with me, cause he isn't the "type" of guy that I am normally attracted to and my attraction to him is now overwhelming as well since I have fallen in love with him.

 

In beginning our sexual relationship was very active. Like any new couple we couldn't get enough of each other. And for the past two years we have consitantly had a very good sex life. According to my boyfriend it just got better and better over time.

 

At first my boyfriend was open about his level of attraction to other woman. We discussed one day having a threesome or opening our sexual relationship up and bringing in other partners. But then around five months ago he opened up to me and admitted he had been fantasying about having sex with other woman and that he didn't know if he could go his whole life only having sex with me. Unfortunately at the time we were sort of having problems and I was very insecure in the relationship. So I reacted very badly and sort of freaked out.

 

Since then I have gained more security in our relationship and believe that it would eventually be appealing to me as well to open up our sexual relationship and experiment with others.

 

However it will take me a while to really decide if that is something that will work for me or not. So I am just keeping it on the back burner. He has never mentioned it again and he now seems to repress and hide from me his attraction for other woman.

 

A few weeks after he mentioned his desire for other woman I suggested that we both take some time and see other people. He didn't want to. He was too afraid of losing me.

 

So for the past five months we have just been committed to each other and have not discussed opening our sexual relationship at all. I don't feel pressured to do it and I wouldn't do it if it wasn't something that I felt 100% comfortable with. And I do think that in time it would even be a turn on to see my boyfriend with another woman and the thought of having sex with another man I am attracted to without threatening my relationship is very appealing. I have always been very open about sex. And I think we could get to a place where I felt secure enough to do this.

 

Also I want to add that a few months ago my boyfriend starting experiencing pain after sex. It seems to be around his prostate and he went to see a doctor. The doctor did a full exam and told him that there was nothing to worry about. Since then he says that the pain is gone but I wonder if he is in fact hiding the pain from me. He knows that I will prompt him to go to another doctor and he would rather live in denial. He thinks most physical problems are really all in our head and are manifestations of repressed emotions.

 

Now we get to the heart of my question. Lately my boyfriend seems to enjoy sex less and less. I think it is the natural progression of a relationship. The newness has sort of worn off and it's starting to become more of a comfortable shoe sort of thing. I try to keep things exciting. I wear sexy lingerie all the time and strip for him. I spend time trying to seduce him. I send him dirty text messages and try new positions. I never ever turn him down for sex. but there seems to be only so much you can do to keep it exciting.

 

I ask him for feedback about what would turn him on and he rarely answers me , either he doesn't know what turns him on or he's afraid to tell me.

 

Last night after making love I asked him if it was as good as it used to be , he honestly answered no,but then he explained that amazing sex isn't really that important to him. That sometimes it's as great as it was in the beginning, but that it doesn't have to be earth shattering every time. That he is okay with that and that he still enjoys it immensely.

 

What I am wondering is if that really is normal and if anyone has any suggestions on how to rekindle some of the newness. We already role play and we have tried a tiny bit of bondage. I was thinking of treating him to a lap dance at a strip club hoping to arouse him a little but it just never seems that appropriate to say " hey let's go get you a lap dance" Plus I thinks a good opportunity to see how I feel with him being intimate with someone else. I wonder if anyone thinks that will help our sex life. We have watched some porn but not a lot.

 

Do you men think that he is totally unsatisfied and covering it up? Shouldn't hot sex always be important. Any has any success with putting the spark back into their sex life?

[Daddy Bear]

he has had sex only with you? that could be his whole 'problem'.

 

this may be more of a guy thing, but it could be bothering him that you have had more sexual partners than he has, if such is true. and if he is feeling the young man's timeless need to sow his wild oats, then this will likely remain with him until he has accomplished it.

 

sadly, no matter how good you make sex for him, you may have to send him away for a time (i don't recommend bringing someone else into your lives together) until he can get it out of his system and commit to just being with you.

[brokenpogostick]

I agree with slightlybent, if his problem is that he hasn't experienced other girls sexually then it's not going to all of a sudden go away someday.

 

I really feel bad for you though. It sounds like you really care about him and have gone the extra mile to please him.

 

It might be best to just let him go. Is it worth your heartache?

[Q10]

I agree with slightlybent but I don't agree completely with brokenpogostick

He has already mentioned not having great sex is not a problem, so he cares about you, a lot. And you care about him also. He trusts you and he seems dead honest about his feelings. Just because he feels that way, would you let him go? I don't think you would. As for the solution or the reason that causes this, I'm not sure, I think slightlybents opinion might make sense, you can give it a try if it's ok with you. But again, letting him go at this point would be a loss for nothing.

[Bethany]

I disagree with the previous posts. Lots of people fall in love and never have sex with anyone else. It is very normal.

 

This post seems to be all about him and his needs, what about yours? It comes accross that you are willing to have sex with others to keep him happy. Stuff that!!! If he loves you, he will stay faithful. You will be enough.

 

I think that you could regret having a threesome as it is a very slipperly slope into regret, jealousy and eventual break-up. If you want to spice things up, then learn to become his own personal stripper but don't put your morals to one side just to keep him happy.

 

Think long and hard about what he asks of you and decide if loving a man who thinks your not enough is worth it.

[lunatic]

As a man I have to agree with Slightlybent on this one. I know it would bother me to no end that my partner had more sexual partners than me. I don't know about the threesome since you seem pretty comfortable with the idea. I don't suggest you do it now since your relationship is on proverbial ice at this time.

 

I think you can do many things to spice your sex life up without bringing in another woman to play with. I know you could watch porn and try the different positions or try the lap dance idea. I used to go to strip clubs with my ex and she got hit on all the time. Yeah it was a major turn on to watch these women hitting on my girlfriend. Hot Hot Hot

 

To be straight with you on the issue of him sleeping around with different women will not go away. So my suggestion to you is to talk to him about it and DO NOT FREAK if he tells you how he feels. If you don't like his answers then I think you may have to rethink your relationship with him.

[Vert]

I'm surprised no one has mentioned this already but.... He claimed he was a virgin at 26 and was just "waiting for the right person" yet he slept with you on your 2nd date, frequented strip clubs (has a "strong" desire to strippers), and now he is talking about threesomes and what not. Do you really think he was a virgin? My gut says definitely not.

 

As for his pain with sex, I find that a bit unusual that he would just start having uncomfortable pain like that. Was it during ejaculation or resolution when he was getting soft?

[sugarmomma]

i do agree that it is a handicapp that he was a virgin. I am sure there will always be an issue somewhere about him sleeping with other woman. but I do know several ( okay two ) married couples where the husbands were both virgins and their marriages are working out great so far.

 

I feel like even if I was with a man who had hundreds of sexuals conquests that it would not guarantee he would or could be faithful to me. I can't even say that I will be totally happy only sleeping with my botfriend for the rest of my life.

 

I don't think it bothers him that I have slept with more people than him, but I could be wrong. There was a time when I was really hung up on the fact that he was a virgin. but I learned to be comfortable with it because obviously he is willing to sacrifice certain things in exchange for my love. Maybe I am fooling myself.

 

i know that the post is all about turning him on, but turning him on , turns me on. I have always had the most pleasure sexually when my partner is pleased. Sexually i am just a pleaser. Plus his an amazing lover ( surprising for a virgin) and everytime we make love I am very satisfied.

 

I am not only thinking about the threesome thing for him. It's something I would be interested in even if my boyfriend wasn't a virgin. I tried to get my last boyfriend to have a threesome but he wasn't interested. Everyone always says that threesomes ruin relationships and I guess I could see how. But I don't think it's an automatic death sentence. of course it's only something I would want to try when I was completely secure in our relationship and that is a bit down the road.

 

I think sex is important in a relationship but I don't think it should be the end all most important thing. i know that he is probably giving up a lot by remaining faithful to me and that is why I want to make sure that I do my best to meet his fantasies and please him. if he's stuck having sex with only me for the time being I want to make it the best sex possible

 

So no one is against the stipper idea?

[nottoogreen]

Hi sugarmomma,

 

You are very sweet indeed to take care of your man like that.

 

You bf has the classic male-not-enough syndrome. Fair enough I guess. I still have it at times when I see the right girl but think that it is not worth the hassle anymore.

 

His desires are a problem. You may not keep him anyway. You could allow him to have a stripper on his own. IMHO he will not enjoy this kind of "machine" at all. But will he be content?

 

I have been in some threesomes and broken things with a gf over them, she could not handle me pleasing #3 even though she asked for the threesome.

 

My current gf - (bi-courious) I made mad when I finished accidently with #3.

 

Now my rule is no penetration while #3 is there. What I really enjoy is 2 girls pleasing each other and I am very content without penetration.

 

You do not know how you feel when he get's of with another girl before you see it.

 

Do you have experience.

 

Are you bi-courious?

 

When you have an orgasm do you black-out and are very tired thereafter?

[sugarmomma]

your post was a little confusing with to me.

 

Are you a swinger?

 

what is the "male-not-enough syndrome"?

 

What do you mean about him having a stripper on his own and not enjoying that type of " machine". Are you saying that Strippers or prostitues would not satisfy him?

 

Do you really think he's curiosity will destroy our relationship?

 

I guess I didn't really understand what point you were getting at in your post.

 

I am bi-sexual and have been with many woman on my own.

 

I do get tired after orgasim?

 

 

why do you ask?

[nottoogreen]

So, do you black-out and are you very tired after your orgasm?

[sugarmomma]

I have amazing orgasims were I do feel exhausted by the end. I don't know if I have ever blacked out. but maybe something close.

 

If you aren't a swinger how do you have rules with your current girlfriend?

 

How do you suggest we "mamange" my boyfriend's curiosity?

 

Thanks

[nottoogreen]

I have amazing orgasims were I do feel exhausted by the end. I don't know if I have ever blacked out. but maybe something close.

Exhausted is good. If you relax and shout more and he takes his time, you can black-out. My gf blacks out even from oral.

If you aren't a swinger how do you have rules with your current girlfriend?

We settled the matter after that fateful attempt by agreeing to these rules. We may try again some time. She is still curious.

How do you suggest we "manange" my boyfriend's curiosity?

I do not know. First we must understand the issues.

[sugarmomma]

well last night my boyfriend came over and I casually asked him " honey do you want to go to a strip club soon?" he asked me " why do you " and I said " I want to go if it will help turn you on and get you excited. And he said " I don't really like strip clubs anymore now that I met you and I am having sex regularly."

 

So now I am even more confused...

[nottoogreen]

well last night my boyfriend came over and I casually asked him " honey do you want to go to a strip club soon?" he asked me " why do you " and I said " I want to go if it will help turn you on and get you excited. And he said " I don't really like strip clubs anymore now that I met you and I am having sex regularly."

 

So now I am even more confused...

 

OK, this sounds better.

 

Don't worry you will not figure him out in a day. Be happy together, understand each other, give it a few weeks. Patience will pay off

[Cardinal]

I wasn't going to post given that the line of discussion was more toward him wanting to explore sexually, but my initial reaction is that he just doesn't have as much sex drive as you do. You seem incredibly interested in everything about sex (which is phenomenal, keep up the good work!).

 

It could just be that the newness is wearing off a bit and sex isn't quite as big of a deal to him as it is to you. He seems to care about the relationship as a whole and your shared compatibilities/intimacy more than anything. He is horny, just not quite as horny as you are. It happens. But with good communication you can probably get him more turned on than ever. Seems like he needs to be willing to open up to you a bit more. I see no need for the confusion, given everything you offer him. You deserve as straight of an answer as possible.