I have such a hard time not checking his email...

[alyira]

Alrighty...ironically enough I just posted on another board here earlier about something unrelated but related in a way. I thought everything was going perfect with my guy...

 

See, we met online, which is cool and all, so I knew he went to dating sites. But I have this horrible trust issue I am struggling to deal with. I was with a boy for 3 years who consistently cheated on me every chance he got, and was good at swearing his love to me up and down to soothe my suspicions. Long story short, I got cheated on with 6-7 diff women somewhere around 9 times that I'm aware of. Yay. The next boy I dated was a player. Oops. So yea, I thought I had finally settled into a good relationship, and still feel like I have, but...

 

I have SUCH a problem with reading his email. When we first got together, he gave me his email password as a sign of trust.. and I never messed around with it at all, put it out of sight and out of mind, until an incident happened in which I emailed him something and wasnt sure if it was going through because my net connection was wonky. So I figured, what the hell, I'll check and see if its there. And there was this flirty email from his ex that revealed they hang out and call each other. And I freaked. He was forthcoming about them hanging out, said it was never alone, etc, though I was still upset about HIM calling her. But, he's been honest to me from the start...so, the ex grates on my nerves, but so far shes stayed.

 

Since then, I have this huge issue. I can't stop checking his email It's embarrassing, and I know it's wrong. I did really great, a few weeks without looking at all and felt proud of myself that I hadn't peeked. Then, I caved awhile ago for no reason in particular, but didn't check his regular email. Like me, he has an email he uses for junk stuff to be sent to, and for some reason I checked that. He's signed up to several dating sites since before we got together, but it doesnt look like he reads those emails, so whatever. Till I noticed he WAS reading email from his Plentyoffish account, as recently as the 22nd.

 

Yea, it gets worse. I checked his Plentyoffish account. I know, I know I'm horrible, but o nce you get started, it's so hard to stop yourself! I hope someone else knows what I'm talking about, especially when theres a history of being cheated on. Anyway, I found out he says he's still single on that site, though he's listed himself as only wanting to "Hang out". I read his messages and there was a chick he knew on there from school, and he asked her to add him on MSN and said they should hang out some time. Not in a flirty manner or anything, just like that.

 

I'm in the wrong, I KNOW I'm in the wrong. I check his mail sometimes to reassure myself of his loyalty, which has been good so far, but then I find something like this to upset myself with. I have no right to check his mail , and no right to be upset, and no right to snoop... I'm trying so hard to trust dammit! But little things like that make me wonder, that and he wont NC his ex.

 

I dont know, I feel like a horrible gf right now, and know I'll feel so ashamed when he calls me later. I guess I just wanted to vent.

[blender]

We are all human and we all understand this behavior, but in the end it's all about how it makes you feel about YOURSELF... be grateful that you have not seen anything upsetting, and no worries about his ex, she is his ex and it's okay that they can still be friendly, it's no big deal, let that go... really, let it go.. now, one day at a time, try to STOP snooping, it will drive you crazy... and the fact is you've done it, your curiosity has been met with the back up that he is a solid guy as far as you know, so go with this, and let any new snooping stop.. it's going to be very difficult and we all know how tempting it is, but if you can go just one day at a time, you will start to feel better about YOU....

 

so try to stop for today, just for today.. and see how you feel tomorrow... this is for YOU, you will feel better if you don't "look" anymore.. go with your instincts and know that this guy is with YOU right now, and it's HIS choice to be with you, so trust it for today.... but you already know looking at his email makes you feel..well...not so good about yourself, so try for today to NOT do it.... but yeah, I think we all understand the temptation, you're only human... now the rest is up to the "choice" you make one day at a time... good luck

[Batya33]

I don't think it's fair for him to be subjected to your trust issues. Also, whatever you locate on his email you can't share with him because then he'll know you've been snooping which is a breach of trust. It's ironic - you want him to be trustworthy but you're the one who's not. Are the two of you exclusive? If so, he shouldn't be active on dating sites, period, even to talk to "friends" - that's what myspace and friendster are for. If you don't trust him, don't snoop - but don't date him either. What's a relationship without trust? If you have told him you snooped, ask him to change his password so you can't snoop anymore, or be tempted.

[alyira]

Yes, we are exclusive. I know its not fair to subject him to my trust issues, and he knows I've done it before and refuses to change his password, because, well, its his password for everything. I'm aware that it's ironic that I am the one who's harder to trust, hence the shame.

 

Blender, thanks for the advice. I am going to ignore his Plentyoffish correspondence, he is with me, take a step back, breath, and go back to doing it day by day. I don't think dating sites are appropriate when you are exclusive, but I'm going to assume he has innocent intentions and checked out of curiosity or something, since he is pretty outgoing.

[nottoogreen]

Hi Alyira,

 

Here is a related thread for you to read.

 

Posting back here is OK.

 

All I can tell you is:

 

That all the energy you waste on worry, mistrust and paranoia is lost but for distressing you.

 

That your bf may realize your emotional distress for unknown and hidden (how could you tell him) reasons and in turn may reciprocate in a like manner.

 

Put this energy into your relationship and keep a positive attitude.

 

Make your relationship strong and be close and caring with each other.

[just_browsing]

Hi Alryia

I'd like to tell you that you really are not alone. It sounds like you've been through a lot of emotional stress, and my personal view is that he can't blame you. He gave you his password with a possibility of you checking his accounts, knowing he's not hiding anything from you. He sounds lovely too. Quite trustworthy. But does he know how damaged you really are?

I'd talk to him about your trust issues. Let him know that you need him to help you out also. A little bit of support from a loving partner is a great deal.

 

As for his plentyoffish account.. Why would he advertise himself as single? That sounds a little dodgy to me. He needs to know how things can be perceived by you especially when you're already having a hard time.

You sound really sincere. It's sad to see you having such a rough time, but things will work out. And the past is the past. You cannot change it, but you can have your own closure and decide to move on. You don't need to forgive your ex boyfriends, but try to forgive yourself for letting them happen.

 

Cheer up

[cacain119]

Okay, my boyfriend use to do this. ONE time he got suspicious about me *acting different* and we trusted each other with our email, user names, passwords, etc... ..And he found out I was cheating through my email. This was a few years ago, since I've been COMPLETELY and utterly faithful...

 

So this past September or October, he got in my email again and read some emails from my guy friends (who are from Chile, don't know much english, don't say things "politically correct", etc) and completely misinterpretted them even though I've been nothing but truthful, honest, etc.. And that really hurt me. To me, that is equivalent to cheating because staying an individual is VERY important (to me at least) in a relationship -- you should be able to pick your friends, make your own decisions, etc. He was not always upfront with me when he checked my emails -- eventually, I just changed EVERY password and username... I don't trust him in that way anymore... I don't think those things should ever be trusted with another person if you like to keep somethings *heaven forbid* personal.

 

But you know you're in the wrong.

[alyira]

First off, thank you SO much, just_browsing, that actually brought a tear to my eye. I really feel ashamed, and that post made me feel a lot better...

 

He knows I've been through a lot, but I try not to bring up exactly what I've been through a lot, because its already unfair of me enough to have trust issues, so I dont want to go around whining about what happened before. The PoF thing is nagging me a bit, but he didn't write anything flirty, it all seemed like innocent "Hey I know you add me to your msn wanna hang out" type stuff...still, the fact that he still finds and emails people on there and lists himself as single unnerves me, as I unsubscribed from my dating sites when we got together. I think I will give myself a while to breath and try to put the most positive spin on it as possible. Maybe some day I will find a way to diplomatically ask if he still goes on dating sites, and if he does, maybe he wouldn't mind stopping, and like said above, stick to MySpace or something not revolving around dating, that way he can still look up friends and such.

 

Thanks so much again!

[just_browsing]

I really respect you for being so strong in this situation.

But a little bit of a courtesy to be returned is desirable. I can see why he's with you. You avoid situations where he'd get a chance of getting jealous. And you know how to, because you've seen it so much.

 

If he's mature enough, he'd understand even if you were to confess now. And don't ever feel guity for having insecurities. It was unfair for you to be lied to numerous times before. He's agreed to be with you as you are. Not just the beautiful package.

Sitting down and making some rules you both agree upon might also be a good idea. I'm sure he has his own insecurities, that he'd want you to help him out with.

Be there for each other, Alyira. You sound beautiful, and are a rare breed. Don't distant yourself from him due to this issue. Communication is always important, so keep that in mind.

 

I sincerely hope things work out between you two.

[alyira]

For anyone who was wondering about my oh so important life

 

Alright, I confessed what I did, completely came clean about the whole thing, and apologized for carrying over old wounds from another relationship into this one. He didnt get mad like the sweetie he is, just said "Oh Britt" a few times while I was telling him. He told me to go delete his Plentyoffish account, and that he basically used it like I would use MySpace like I theorized earlier. He also said he understood that I'm still worried about being cheated on and working on being trusting, and that if I did snoop, to just call him and be like "I had a bad day and checked your email" and to not be scared to admit it, because honesty is the crucial part in his eyes.

 

I feel sooooooo much better! Thanks you guys! Its kinda ironic, this whole situation just made me even more proud of him and love him even more because it reminded me of how gentle and understanding he is. It's amazing to have someone love you because of and despite your flaws.

 

Thanks again!

 

 

EDIT: Also, I mentioned elsewhere that we are moving in together at the end of summer, hence it is so important to me that I cancel my subscription to my issues, so to speak. When I do move, I think I will seek out therapy/counselling for some things that have happened that I never dealt with properly, especially the reasons behind having a trust issue. The main reason I haven't so far is because I live in a fairly isolated area atm, and my parents are sort of anti-therapy. But to keep something this special, and really, for my own good, I have decided to take the plunge.

[nottoogreen]

Glad it's over without casualties! :splat: