Jealous in my LDR

[jessicadon]

Lately I have been really mad at my fiance. He lives in england. After he visited in April, his brother got to be friends with this female band. My fiance then got to know them, and now he goes to most of there performances, and hangs out with them afterwards. All of the girls have boyfriends, and I know in the bottom of my heart my fiance would never cheat on me. Reading that makes me think then whats the problem?

I guess I just am jealous because he spends so much time with them, and before he started spending time with them, he missed me more. He says he still misses me, and I am sure he does, however we used to cry with each over it. Now it's just me crying.

I am also jealous because he has all these friends, and I seriously don't have any. I am a really shy person, and he has been the only person I have been able to open up with, that I am not related to.

Anyway, we have talked about it. He knew I was mad at him. I told him it was because I was sad that he was going out with them all the time. I made it clear I didn't think he was cheating or anything. He got mad though, said it sounded like if I couldn't be happy no one should be. Also that I was trying to control him. He also said he wouldn't go anymore, but in a way that made me respond that I wanted him to go and I was sorry.

So he went again last night, and I was mad. I was really just annoyed, until I asked if there was anywhere online I could see pictures of them. So I looked, and I got upset, because everyone of them was prettier than me. I told him and he swore he found me a lot more attractive than them. He was tired from being out all night though, so he went to bed. I tried not to think about it, I went bed early. Then I wake up this morning, and it was the first thing on my mind!

I guess I want to figure out why I am so upset over it. I don't really want to talk to him about it anymore. We did talk about it, and I said he could go.

I guess I just miss him, and it makes me resent him, because it sucks missing some one more than they miss you.

[hk87]

I am an extremely jealous person too! I get jealous of my best friend, because at uni we rely heavily on each other, but then when he goes home has has a fantastic life there, and we talk if we're lucky every few days. It kills me to know he's having way more fun than I am because my home life is so sh*t, and I love being at uni.

You are engaged, so you know he's into you. Just because they are prettier than you, doesn't mean to say he finds them attractive! Beauty is in the eye of the beholder an all that?

When do you plan to see him again? Are you eventually moving over here, or him to be with you?

Maybe you should try joining a few groups around your neighbourhood like drama, sports, church? Get some friends, and have fun, then there will be less time to miss him, and when your next to see him will come a lot faster!

 

Hk87

[jessicadon]

He will be back june 21st for two months. Then next time he visits (after we get the visa so he can legally marry me sorted out) we will get married and he will live here.

Thanks for the advice

[DN]

I think you need to get these feelings of yours under control because they could seriously damage your relationship both in the short term and the long.

 

In the short term the fact that you are jealous and don't trust him (if you trusted him you would not care that these girls were prettier than you) is going to undermine his love for you; he will probably feel it will only get worse.

 

The long term problem is that you don't have any friends of your own. So when you do get together permanently you are going to want to be with him all the time and provide for all your emotional and social needs and that will suffocate him.

 

It is not healthy for partners to depend entirely on each other for a romantic relationship and as friends. You need to interact with other people as well, singly and as a couple.

 

You miss him so much because he is your only source of companionship whereas he has friends to help him when he misses you.

 

So get yourself out and do things that will help get you into a social circle and make new friends. When he comes over he can join that circle and also make new friends of his own.

 

Think very seriously about what you are doing and make up your mind to tackle this problem that you have - don't make it his problem.

[Relationship Coach]

I agree with DN, jealousy is a relationship killer! LDR's are hard enough and when jealousy pops up like this, well let's just say it can signal the end if it doesn't stop ASAP! You love him and say that you trust him, so prove it to yourself and to him and act like it. He needs friends and he needs to be able to go out without feeling guilty because he knows of your insecurities. You need to do the same, go out and have fun! Relationships are a wonderful thing but having friends outside of your relationship is very healthy as well. I think that it's great that he is willing to come to the states for you but don't make him ever regret it by you putting restraints on him. If the love and trust are there you can relax and take a deep breath knowing that everything is going to be OK.

 

RC