Broken engagement that might be salvageable

[gaiden]

I had posted my story in break ups but seeing as how things have progressed, It seems that I should be looking here for answers to some questions that I have.

 

The break-up story can be found here

 

It’s been two weeks now since the break. She’s already found a friend with a new house that he just built (his fiancé skipped out on him) and he let her move in. He’s lending her his spare car so she can get to work, and giving her grace on the first two months of rent because she has very little money. Convenient eah? She loves the house and the fact that she has her ‘own’ car if you will. All her friends are nearby to where she is now (50 miles from me) and she’s seeing them more frequently so she’s appeared to be on cloud nine. Or so I thought.

 

We had a two hour talk last night where we just talked about what was going on in each others lives. Then she started talking about us and how much she missed things here. I told her about a bunch of things that I was doing in the upcoming days. She couldn’t believe I had so much going on. She was interested in going with me to one of the events but she was slated to work that day and rather then me changing my plans to suit her, I said we’d just have to get together some other time.

 

She got jealous when I said I was going out with the neighbors and a few of their friends this upcoming Monday. She said “Oh, she’s probably going hook you up with one of her friends eah? Nice to know I’ve been abstinent for nothing….”

 

She already knows that I won’t be her friend. I told her that we can either work on this, as slow as it needs to be to fix it, or we can go our separate ways, but not friends, I know it’s not in me to do that.

 

I’m struggling with a couple issues. The first is how long it’s taking to actually tell me what’s going on. We’ve only been together 4 months, so her taking two weeks and still not knowing 1) if she wants to work this out or 2) where a 10k diamond engagement ring is very stressful. I realize only 2 weeks isn't a long time, especially after reading all the posts on here... but we were only together for 4 months.

 

From what I’ve read here, most woman on the site say that when a woman says she needs time and space, it’s because they have lost interest in being with you. My friend says the only way I’m getting that ring back from her is by getting her back … or taking her to court. She’s not going to give it to me because to her, it’s all that’s left of what was between us. Then again, he said, she might have been really pissed when I threw her out and she just hocked it, you’ll never know.

 

Is it possible that the mere fact we are still talking and she’s showing interest in hanging out with me knowing I won't be her her friend her way of saying she wants to work this out? My friends have told me that if she really didn’t want anything to do with me, she would just NC me.

 

I don’t want to just come out and ask her because I’m afraid of applying any pressure what-so-ever to an already delicate situation. Then again, I don't want this to turn in to a she's getting her cake and eating it too. I've been patient with a lot of things during the 6 months she's lived with me and perhaps me putting my foot down might just be the thing that needs to be done.. since it's so uncharacteristic of me.

 

I am on vacation right now. I'll be on it for the next two weeks. I'm not going anywhere, just taking some time to relax and enjoy the weather. I said to myself that if I still feel left in the wings at the end and the ring is still missing, when I get off vacation, I would just say enough is enough, get a lawyer, and get the ring (or its value) back that way. Perhaps a bit too aggressive?

 

What should I do?

[CarnelianButterfly]

This girl sounds like she was using you as a meal ticket. The only contact you should have with her is getting the ring back. Take her to civil court and sue her for the cost of the ring and I think you can stipulate if you win the cases she has to pay court costs and all. You should talk to a lawyer.

 

10k diamond? That is a huge fricken rock!!! Are you sure thats the right weight, most engagement rings are .75k? If it really was 10k, the lawyers will love you!

[Süsser Tod]

Delicate situation???

 

 

Yes, delicate for you, she may take you for a ride, again.

 

 

Grab your lawyers phone number and get that ring back. That girl is nothing but trouble. Living with another guy, they guy is not asking her to pay the rent and he is lending her a car, isn't that fishy enough for you?

 

She is hanging out with friends, and you said it yourself, most of her friends are guys she already slept with. And now is living with another, etc.

 

That and the trust issues that started the whole drama way before the breakup.

 

And the lack of answer from her part, only can mean that she is not that much into you. She may have felt guilty, but wants you as her safety blanket, so she is stringing you along.

 

 

What are you expecting to get out of that relationship?

[Süsser Tod]

10k diamond? That is a huge fricken rock!!! Are you sure thats the right weight, most engagement rings are .75k? If it really was 10k, the lawyers will love you!

 

 

Slow down Butterfly, if it were a 10 karat diamond I bet he would have the FBI after her. I'm pretty sure he meant, $10,000 USD diamond.

[gaiden]

yea, it was a 10 grand engagement ring. and thanks for the info, when the sad feelings started to recind, all that's left is the truth. And that's I've been taken for quite a ride

[CarnelianButterfly]

Slow down Butterfly, if it were a 10 karat diamond I bet he would have the FBI after her. I'm pretty sure he meant, $10,000 USD diamond.

Sorry, I do jewelry and lapidary work, so to me k is karat, I don't tend to think money.

Still 10 grand for a ring is a big deal, if the engagements off the ring should have been returned.

[gaiden]

So before I do what I'm about to do, you all don't think I should just wait the two weeks and see what happens?

[CarnelianButterfly]

Its already been two weeks, if you think its done, that she will not change, you don't need to drag it out any longer. Call her and make an ultimatum, I'd say only a week to return it. Tell her, she returns the ring or you will call a lawyer and seek legal action to have the ring returned.

[gaiden]

That's why I posted the situation here. I'm seeing what looks like promising moves. I could be way off base though, I'm still emotional about the whole thing. I have portrayed her as a user. She wasn't really that bad, but it was an issue that we had resolved a few weeks before this all happened. The only issue, albiet a big one, was the trust one. I'm a very biased since im on the side I am.

 

I won't consider getting back together without adressing the trust issue. But I'm asking about the two weeks because I don't want to jump the gun and ruin it. I know I can hold on for two weeks, if that's what it takes. I was hoping a woman would be able to tell me what if anything her responses meant. If her actions are clear as a bell to other females, please, let me know. I'm very poor in that realm.

 

As far as the guy she moved in with goes, it's a long time friend that I can safely say she would never get involved with. It's her best friends brother and he's just helping her out because her best friend asked him to.

 

I've made hasty decisions before when it comes to relationships, I don't want this to be one of them.

 

I don't know what to think about the ring. It really does make her look bad, as if she stole it but giving her the benefit of the doubt, which she may or may not deserve from what's all happened, she really may NOT know where it is. I need to stop assuming the worst, that's what got me here to begin with. Noone knows why or IF she even has it but her. I'm just trying to be honest, not blind. Noone knows but her.

 

She's never been engaged before. She had her grandmother helping her pick out wedding dresses. She had my sister helping to pick out reception halls. My family at all levels has been involved in this. She's a close friend of the family like I said, I really don't think I'm just being hung out to dry.

[RandomAdvisor]

She already knows that I won’t be her friend.

 

 

Really? Then why are you speaking to her on the phone for hours about your personal lives? Sure sounds like a friendship to me.

 

I agree with CB - ALL of your interactions with her from now on should be about the ring and ONLY the ring. You ask her if she has found the ring, she tells you yes or no and when you'll be getting it back. That's it. End of conversation. Politely say goodbye and hang up. Or, better still - don't speak to her at all anymore. If she calls you refer her to your lawyer.

 

I would move forward with all possible legal measures IMMEDIATELY. I'd bet good money that she knows where the ring is. She doesn't want to give it back to you because then she wouldn't have any excuse to talk to you anymore.

 

You've already given her so much time to return the ring to you, and you know she is a liar. If she was going to be honest and upfront and return the ring to you - she would have done it already. So what are you going to do now? Tell her to return the ring to you immediately or you will pursue legal action? You've done that already - weeks ago. Time to follow up with your previous ultimatum and have your lawyer serve her with the papers. I think you will have the ring back within days of her being served with legal documents, unless she has sold it already.

[annie24]

Wow.

 

Well, it looks like you have finally seen her true colors. She is a user. Cut her out of your life for good. Contact a lawyer, have him draw up a legal document saying "give me back the ring, or give me $10,000". I think that just that letter alone may be enough to scare her into "finding" your ring.

 

You are better off without this woman in your life.

[avman]

My advice to you is the same as it was in your other thread. Do not wait for her. It only prolongs the pain and she's given you no guarantees of anything except she doesn't feel like making a committment.

 

Get a lawyer and get that ring back. Heal up from this and you'll find someone else who will not use you the way this woman has.

[Hope75]

I'm afraid I am another vote for taking the legal road and getting your ring back before she pulls the final punch and screws you out of the 10K you spent on it.

 

Based on your previous posts and this one, this women has a history of taking whatever she can from people who kind-hearted and don't necessarily see that she is taking advantage, just as she did to you. and now to the new man that she is living with for FREE.

 

Honey, it stinks because it seems you fell for her tricks hook, line and sinker, but it's time now to pick yourself up and get your integrity back, AND YOUR RING.

 

Don't let her swindle you out of anything else.

[gaiden]

Okay, I understand. Thank you all for your advice in the matter. The longer this game was getting played out, the more I was starting to see it for what it really was.

[gaiden]

Meh, she called today and text messaged me twice that she loved me and missed me. She wants to meet Tuesday to talk.

 

She said she only sees this as a break, not a break up and wants to work things out.

 

Do you think I should handle this any differently?

[DN]

I think you should agree to meet but only if she brings the ring with her. Either wearing it meaning that the engagement is back on and she is committed to you - or in the box meaning that the relationship is over permanently.

[Hope75]

Meh, she called today and text messaged me twice that she loved me and missed me. She wants to meet Tuesday to talk.

 

She said she only sees this as a break, not a break up and wants to work things out.

 

Do you think I should handle this any differently?

 

Do you honestly think you can trust her?

 

I don't think that I could.

[gaiden]

I see where you are coming from DN but don't you think that saying something like that after the first sign from her that she wants to work on this would be pushing it? I'm thinking it would come accross that I'm more interested in the ring then us, which is not the case. I'm not saying I'm not going to bring the situation with the ring up during our talk tomorrow, I will, but issuing an ultamatum before we even sit down to talk seems it would do more damage then good.

 

As for can I trust her Hope75, I think for this first meeting since the break, I should go with a poitive attitude. Going in bitter or jaded will do nothing but make her regret deciding to sit down and talk with me. If you have friends that are depressing to hang out with, odds are you don't hang out with them very much... who wants to be depressed or sad?

 

She knows how I feel, I've made it clear to her where I stand, and if she still wants to sit down and talk about us to try and make it work, why would I go in with a negative attitude? I've spent the better part of the last two months assuming the worst about things between us which was a big reason why we are in the situation we are right now.

[RandomAdvisor]

As for can I trust her Hope75, I think for this first meeting since the break, I should go with a poitive attitude.

 

 

Another way of putting this would be to say you should go in completely ignoring and forgetting the previous history you have with this woman. She's shown you repeatedly that she is a liar, not the least of which when she lied and said she left the $10,000 engagement ring at your house, or the long line of lies after that about how she is looking for it....

 

I think you've pretty much gotten the consensus of the members of this board. This woman is a liar and manipulative. You're a big boy. It's your $10,000 dollars to lose, and your heart to be broken. If you want to take another chance with this girl, no one on this board can convince you otherwise.

[Hope75]

Completely agree with someguy. There's a difference between a positive attitude and being naive. This girl has proven to you that she cannot be trusted because she showed you with the way she treated you.

 

Given this previous history, ignoring that and going back just seems like asking for trouble.

[DN]

I see where you are coming from DN but don't you think that saying something like that after the first sign from her that she wants to work on this would be pushing it? I'm thinking it would come accross that I'm more interested in the ring then us, which is not the case. I'm not saying I'm not going to bring the situation with the ring up during our talk tomorrow, I will, but issuing an ultamatum before we even sit down to talk seems it would do more damage then good.

 

Here's the thing - if she loved you she would not be sending you on this emotional roller-coaster. I say send because this is not a trip in which she is also along for the ride.

 

As long as you allow her to call the shots she will continue to behave like this. I can guarantee that even if she were to come back and marry you your relationship will continue to have major problems and you will never feel safe and secure. There will always be the risk that she will do it again. And if she does, the price of the ring will seem like chump change compared to the financial cost of a divorce, especially if you have children. You need to look farther down the road that you are doing - much farther.

 

So let her know - right now - tonight - that you will not tolerate this sort of behaviour, now or in the future.

 

The ring is a physical manifestation of the relationship - a symbol if you will. If she wears it it means she is committed to a balanced relationship in which both of you put in the same amount of love and work. Not one person being in control with emotional manipulation and uncertainty.

 

If she does not wear it, then there is nothing to talk about, nowhere to go. It's dead and she killed it.

 

So yes, it is an ultimatum because this is the absolute best time for one. It's not only needed, it's required.

[gaiden]

An update...

 

I got the ring back without having to go the legal route. We talked and decided to slowly try to work it out. She moved back in and things were actually looking better then the first time around.

 

Then yesterday happened. It was business as usual, in the morning, she dropped me off at the train I take to work and she left to head home and get herself ready to go to work. Two hours later, I'm at work, and I'm getting a phone call from my friend who runs the coffee shop at my train station by my house.

 

He told me my car was in the parking lot and he had my keys. I asked him how that was possible as my g/f had it and she should be at work by now. He told me she came by, dragging a suitcase behind her, and told her she was flying to go stay with her sister in South Carolina. Then gave him the keys, told him all the flight info, and got on the train (which takes her to the airport)

 

I was shocked. It felt like a dream, there was no way this could really be happening. She doesn't have a sister in SC, she has a guy 'friend' there, that's it. I hung up with him, tried to call her to no avail. Then I called her sister and asked if she knew anything about what was going on.

 

Her sister said that she had called about an hour ago and told her she didn't want to be in a realtionship anymore. She said she was going to SC and would tell her more later. I told her sister this was crazy, she agreed, and I hung up and tried to call my g/f again. Her cell was going straight to voice mail so I just stopped trying to call. Then my g/f called me.

 

She called me from the airport. I asked how this all happened and she said on the way home from dropping me off at the train, her friend from SC called and said he knew how unhappy she was with her life right now and she needed a change so he bought her a ticket and the flight was at noon. He asked if she would go and she said yes.

 

I asked her if she was serious about this and if she really planned on getting on the plane. She said she didn't know but by the end of the conversation, she said she yes, she was. She said she had to go because the plane was starting to board and I haven't heard from her since.

 

I left work, came home, checked to make sure nothing was missing that shouldnt be. She left 90% of her things. She only took one suitcase and that amounted to about 5 outfits, a few pairs of shoes, and her laptop. She left everything else here.

 

She clearly has no idea what she really wants. I think she's got some very serious issues with 'the grass is green on the other side' among other things. I am still dumbfounded how she could just up, leave just about everything she owns, abandon me, abandon her job, and just leave. She worked so hard to get her job, was about to be promoted, and things were going so well with us, and yet, she just threw it all away.

 

I guess I am lucky. I have the ring, nothing is missing, and what appears to be a toxic relationship is now over.

 

Now comes the healing process all over again.

[annie24]

oh my.

 

this time, keep her out of your life for good!

 

this weekend, I think you should box up all her stuff and put it in your garage/basement/closet.

 

she sounds very toxic.

 

yes, let the healing begin.

[annie24]

better yet, call her and ask what she wants done with her stuff. Tell her that if she doesn't tell you within 2 days, that you will take everything to Goodwill or the Salvation Army or some other charity and dump it all there.

[gaiden]

She asked me to hold on to it since she said she wasn't planning on staying in SC. I told her she was in no posistion to be asking things like that. I told her I would have her sister come over, check what was left, take what she wanted, and I was going to get rid of the rest.

 

Her sister is coming over Monday night to peruse the things that are left. Her grandmother, which is who raised my g/f, called me and wanted me to talk to her today about what all happened. She is extreemly concearned about me and what my g/f did.